Reasons why the smart among us are preparing for the animal uprising
I always feel bad for animals whose owners dress them up in clothing. I mean, isn’t one of the joys of being an animal getting to be naked all the time? The freedom! The glorious freedom! Your schnoodle (hee, schnoodle) doesn’t want to wear the sweater granny knit him!
But the worst offenders always come out on Halloween, which is why I believe there is a pet network plotting their overthrow of humanity.
Don’t believe me?
You should:
1. Tiny Little Very Tiny Sooooo Tiny Puppy in a Bumblee Costume. Sure, it’s the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen, and you just made “awwww” noises in a baby-talk voice, but wait till this little guy grows up. He’s going for the throat. You know, if you bend over low enough.
Just wait until you're lying prone. That's when I'll strike.
2. Dog in the Wizard of Oz Dorothy Costume. At least the dog isn’t as much of a wanker as that guy in the brick road costume, but that’s the only bright side.
Actually, that guy's my owner.
3. Such a Tiny Little Cutie-Pie Teeny-Weeny Dog in a Teddy Bear (?) Costume. Who’s a cute little guy who’s plotting my demise? You are! You are!
If my cuteness doesn't kill you, my sharp teeth and fangs will.
4. Traumatized Dog with a Knight on its Back. “Hey, honey, the dog’s in the SCA too, right?”
"He's not? Screw it, let's just say he is."
5. Angry dog in a Fairy Costume. Look at the gleam in that poor dog’s eyes.
Plus, this looks like a tween costume that someone just tossed on Scruffy there.
6. The Cat who is apparently dressed as Madonna. Ha, ha, your cat just shat in your coffee in revenge.
Ha, ha, and your scrambled eggs.
7. The “Don’t Eat Me” Dachshund in a Hot Dog Costume. Yeah, we get it. It’s a wiener dog.
As a former dachshund owner, I do have to admit this is hard to resist doing to the little guys.
8. The “Someone Painted Me Like a Skunk” Dog. Bastards.
BASTARDS!!!!
9. The “Enjoying a Day at the Races” Guinea Pig Pair. Who the hell dresses up a guinea pig? What kind of sick mind does that?
At least we're only getting dressed up. You know what they do to hamsters!!
10. Taco Dog. Why the obssession with dressing small dogs as food? The hell?
Yo quiero eat your face off, bitches.
Speaking of slasher flicks….
Mary hachet's the name, murder by hachet's the game.
Q. So, apparently, there’s this movie called Blood Night: the Legend of Mary Hachet, which begs this question:
Q. Did she take on the name Mary Hachet after murdering a bunch of people with a hachet or was she named Mary Hachet all along and figured, “Hey, why not, you know?”
Jason Voorhees vs. Michael Myers
At first I was going to have Michael Myers in a face-off (ha, ha) against Freddy Krueger, but then I thought, hey! Jason Voorhees wears a mask (actually, I thought “That guy from Friday the 13th wears a mask,” and Google supplied me with the rest) and he also doesn’t kill from some sort of strange dream world where your dreams kill you (and also Johnny Depp! NOOOOOO!!).
(Also, I think there was a movie where Jason and Freddy faced off for some reason, so … wait, what was my logic again?)
Nope, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are two horrific serial killers who are firmly grounded in reality. Or a reasonable approximation of it. Or a reasonable approximation of a reasonable approximation of reality.
I have never said reasonable approximation so many times before in my life. Don’t the words look kind of funny now, like when you say your name a bunch of times and trip yourself out?
There's nothing sadder than a serial killer in the rain.
Unless it's a serial killer who has trouble using stairs.
Um, anyway, onto the battle of the masked teen-killing guys.
I guess they deserve a physicality entry, since everybody else gets one, but don’t they both wear masks because underneath they’re horrific? Or does Michael Myers even wear a mask? Do I just think it’s a mask because his face looks like a potato sack? Winner: Jason Voorhees, because hockey masks are OK-looking, sure, why not.
Well, he might not be HIDEOUSLY disfigured under that thing. On a related note, a google image search for "Hockey Mask" mostly pulls up Mr. Voorhees' hockey mask. Odd, that.
Murdered the hell out of a bunch of sex-crazed teens? Boy, is this ever a tie. If it wasn’t for sex-crazed teens, who would movie monsters kill? Happily wedded couples? Pshaw! Boring. Scantily-clad teenagers being mutilated to death is waaaay more entertaining.
Satisfyingly killed at the end of each film? Yes and yes. Apparently, each Halloween (except Halloween III, which was stupid and I couldn’t watch it even when I went through my “Halloween phase,” as I like to call it, which was the phase where I rented the first three Halloween movies and watched 2.33 of them) and each Friday the 13th has to have the good guys defeat the baddies. Winner? Tie again.
Death satisfyingly retconned for the sequel? Well, Jason and Michael have both been brought back from the dead repeatedly and with somewhat less than satisfying explanations/results. Winner? Tie.
Errrr, these guys seem pretty evenly matched up. I know, right? This sucks.
The physical embodiment of evil? No one’s denying that Jason Voorhees is evil, unless there’s a Friday the 13th with a psychologist who thinks he’s just misunderstood and then gets killed, but no one ever said he was evil personified, like Michael Myers. People said that about him. A lot. Winner? Michael Myers.
Although Google says this image is the personification of evil, which, yeah, I can get on board with that.
Fought Freddy Krueger once? Wait, that’s no fair. I already mentioned this in the intro. I’ve never even seen a Friday the 13th movie, so, by default, I like Michael Myers better and should be stacking these questions in his favor!! Winner: Jason Voorhees.
Speaking of Freddy Krueger, guess who my hero Rorschach will be playing in an upcoming remake? If you didn't guess "Freddy Krueger," get the hell off my blog.
Better theme music? I don’t know what the Friday the 13th theme sounds like (or if there even is one), and since I’m doing this at work (shhhhh), I can’t pop in the earbuds and take a listen, so Winner? Halloween! Everyone knows the dee-doo-dee-dee-doo theme!
Didn’t have to resort to having his mommy kill people for him? Yeah, was Jason Voorhees even in the first Friday the 13th? It was like the opposite of Psycho or something. Michael Myers, on the other hand, never needed mommy to do any killing for him. Unless he did in one of the sequels I didn’t see, I don’t know. Anyway, until I start watching slasher flicks … winner? Michael Myers!
Now you’re really stacking these questions in Michael Myers’ favor! I know, right?
Overall winner? Michael Myers, for being the monster in the slasher films I actually saw!
So I guess Halloween II was released this summer or something?
Well, whenever it was released, it opens in my town this weekend, so it counts, right?
I’ve got nothing against Rob Zombie. In fact, I liked several songs by that band he was in in the ’90s with the beautiful chick with the cool dreads? White Zombie.
Clearly, my memory is faulty. Those aren't dreads, and she's not THAT pretty.
Also, he wrote an intro to 3×3 Eyes when Dark Horse was still carrying it, and anyone who loves good manga is A-OK in my book. Or something less lame than A-OK….
What does it say about America that the translations of a Japanese comic book with monsters, demons, gods and zombies gets canceled? I weep for our country's youth.
And I can see how it’s a totally natural career choice and all for him to go into making horror movies. I mean, the guy’s name is Rob Zombie. You’ve got three choices with that name: 1) metal music; 2) horror films; 3) zombie. He’s done the first two, and I’m sure he’s made arrangements to return as a re-animated corpse after his untimely demise. (I’m assuming his demise will be untimely. Guy’s name is Rob Zombie!! No one named Zombie dies peacefully in their sleep (that I know of).)
Or maybe ... he's ALREADY DEAD!! Ha, ha, no, that's just makeup.
What I don’t understand, though, is why he’s gone the remake route? Wait, should that have been a sentence? It seemed more like a declaration than a question. I just made it a question because it started with “what,” but yeah, it should have been a period at the end.
(I mean, especially since his name is Rob Zombie, you’d think he’d make zombie films for the synergy of it or whatever.)
But why mess with the greats? Michael Myer seemed fine as he was, and you’re not going to do better than Jamie Lee Curtis, so I won’t be seeing Halloween II this weekend.
It occurs to me that I can't tell the difference between original flavor Michael Myers and new and improved flavor Michael Myers, but I think my point still stands.
Men don’t wear sexy costumes for Halloween
That makes Lokifire profoundly sad. Yet, when she stops to think about many of the men she knows, profoundly relieved as well.
But just ’cause a costume’s not sexy doesn’t mean it’s not still a bad, bad, terribly bad, horrible idea.
Here’s 10 of them:
1. Adult scary tree costume. Now, the web site goes with the word “adult” here instead of “men’s” because it knows, conceivably, a woman could wear this costume. However, it also knows a woman wouldn’t, so that’s why it’s soundly filed in the men’s costumes.
I'm not saying ALL women have more pride than this, just that most of them do, and the ones who don't probably can't work the internets.
2. Authentic Batman costume. Nothing wrong with being Batman for Halloween (especially if you talked your wife into going as sexy Robin and convinced her you’re not a pedophile). But I think this is the version with nipples.
OK, it's probably not, and it's actually a pretty cool costume, but I couldn't let this blog go another day without referencing the Batman nipple suit.
3. Adult Munchkin costume. It’s a bad idea if you’re a little person, and it’s a worse idea if you’re of average height. Also? Much more creepy in execution than you would think.
I'm glad I didn't use up all my "Gah"-ing on the scary lady clown costume! GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
4. Adult Prince Charming Costume. Seriously, if your girlfriend doesn’t dump you after Halloween night for wearing this monstrosity, she has a princess fetish, and next year, she will make you be a unicorn.
I can always break up with her before the unicorn costume thing.
5. Adult Yoda Costume. Such a bad, bad, terribly bad, horrible idea. Yet hilarious!!
His human hands sticking out of the sleeves are what really make the costume, you know?
6. Adult Captain Condom Costume. I can only hope they have a matching Adult Diaphragm the Dynamo Costume for the ladies, or this sucker’s going down like a lead balloon. Or lead condom.
Ha, ha! A lead condom. Gods, I'm hilarious.
7. King of Hearts Costume. Your inability to sit down will be the least of your worries here. Seriously, you look like a wanker, and someone is going to kick your ass.
If you're not wearing pants, your costume is a fail.
8. Yellow Brick Road Costume. No one will get this. You are an asshole.
Gods, I hate you so much.
9. Adult Punisher Costume. Here’s a helpful tip. When dressing as a superhero, any superhero, even the serial-killing one (especially the serial-killing one, now that I think about it), please forego the muscle suit costume. Just throw on a shirt with a skull, some black pants, carry a gun (fake or real, depending on your level of commitment to the character) and love your own body.
Also, people will think of that one episode of Arrested Development when they see you. Not that that's a bad thing, just that I don't think that's what you were going for there, Mr. Castle.
10. Cheshire Cat Costume. Do you really want to spend your Halloween doing this? “No, I’m not a rabid rat terrier dog. I’m the Cheshire cat. No, you can tell from the stripes on the costume. And my unnatural smile. See? No, the Cheshire cat. From Alice in Wonderland? The. Cheshire. Cat.”
"*Sigh.* No, I'm not a beaver either. Jesus."
Sexy Halloween costumes that I just don’t get
It’s Halloween week at Hollywood Hates Me! You know I love it for the alliterative pleasure it provides!
Welcome to the first in (depending on how busy my week gets) a daily installment of Halloween-themed posts! Herein, we will discuss the overabundance of sexy lady costumes that just don’t make sense.
(Note: the sexy Geisha costume makes perfect sense, and will not be discussed herein. What may be discussed, however, is Lokifire’s insistence on wearing Gothic-Lolita styles when she knows perfectly well that petticoats make her look stubby.)
Seriously, my body type is totally wrong for this ... I want it! I want it! I want it!
1. Sexy Robin. Batman’s sidekick Robin, not the bird Robin. My major issue with this costume is that Robin is 1) a boy (except in the Dark Knight Returns, I know, I know, but that leads me to my second, and more major issue); 2) underage.
Come to Batman, baby.
2. Sexy Indian Girl Costume. Whoo! That’s possibly even more racist than those sexy Geisha costumes I like so much!
And they always seem to use a blonde model.
3. Sexy Disco Jumpsuit. There is nothing sexy about a jumpsuit. No. Never. And especially not a disco jumpsuit.
Look, the model can't even pretend she's happy to be wearing this fugtastic disaster.
4. Sandy from Grease. What the hell is this doing in the sexy costume section? Grease fetishists?
Are there Grease fetishists? Wait, I don't wanna know.
5. Mad Hatter Costume. Because there’s nothing sexier than — Change places, everyone!!
Tights are cute, though.
6. Sexy Rag Doll Costume. Yes, the web site could potentially get sued for calling it a “Raggedy Ann” costume, but that’s what it is. Ew.
So, you like to dress up as children's toys? That's great, because I have a total Peter Pan complex.
7. Spongebob Costume. Seriously, you fetishists are making Lokifire a weeeee bit uncomfortable.
Spongebob is so happy, like, "Whee! I'm touching boobies!"
8. Sexy Women’s Clown Costume. Hey, you know what’s wrong with this entry? The insertion of the word “sexy” in front of the phrase “Women’s Clown Costume.” There’s nothing sexy about clowns! Gods! They’re horrifying!
GAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
9. Sexy Freddy Krueger Costume. Yes, there’s nothing sexier than a disfigured dream-stalking serial killer. But I’m in therapy for that.
Seriously, whuh?
10. Sexy Ghostbuster Costume. Hey, why not, you know?
I keep imagining Bill Murray in this costume, because that is how my crappy brain works.
The Terminator vs. Father Tres
“But who is Father Tres?” you ask (I told you already, I can heeeeaarrr you).
Father Tres, codenamed Gunslinger, is the gunslinging (hence the code name, I suppose) android priest from the Trinity Blood light novels/manga/anime.
“Look,” you say. “I’ve heard of The Terminator, but what the hell is Trinity Blood?”
It’s not important. All that matters is that Father Tres Iquis is a gunslinging android priest, which is possibly the coolest combination of things to be ever except for that upcoming movie, Ninja Assassin.
Because there's nothing cooler than a ninja assassin, unless it is an ANDROID ninja assassin.
So how does a gunslinging android priest fare in competition against the well-known-est android of all?
Sooooooo. Gunsling-y!
"Governator" was a headline that totally made me giggle.
Let’s find out, shall we?
Physicality. If we’re counting sheer size alone, Ahhh-nold (yes, I will insist on referring to him in that manner, as I have already told you I can’t spell his name!) wins, because he is one massive fellow. However, we all know that Lokifire doesn’t grade on muscle mass and ignore a pretty animated face. Winner? The petite, 600-lb (or so) Father Tres.
Coolest codename? The Terminator’s codename (?) is “The Terminator.” Father Tres Iquis’s codename is “Gunslinger.” Holy leaping cats, Batman! Those are both supra-awesome codenames! In conclusion, it’s a total damn tie. I mean, could you pick “Gunslinger” over “The Terminator” or vice versa? You couldn’t, could you? It’s a total draw, isn’t it? So! Awesome!
Coolest catchphrase. The Terminator has two: “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista, baby.” They’re cooler if you imagine Ahhh-nold saying them. Father Tres doesn’t seem to have a catchphrase, although he often tells his enemies what fraction of a second too slow they are, which is really kind of an asshole move. Could someone have programmed him to have a little discretion? Jeez. Winner? The Terminator.
Fighting for the best cause? The Terminator starts out all evil, but then he’s fighting to save humanity, and then there were some other movies that I never saw. Father Tres has always been programmed to protect humanity … from VAMPIRES! (It’s a really weird series, OK?) Winner: It’s another tie, although I’m not sure humanity is really the best cause out there, but whatever.
Coolest robotic series? The Terminator is from the 800 series of robots. Father Tres comes from the “Killing Doll” series. Oooooooh, “Killing Doll” sounds totally cool, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?! Winner? Father Tres.
Fought something made of liquid metal? You’d think this would be a gimme for The Terminator, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re right, it is, because they quit translating the Trinity Blood novels into English, and until I learn Japanese or they make a better anime, I don’t know what happens later on in the series. Winner? The Terminator.
Remember when you first saw this scene? Gods, wasn't it soooo cool?
Possibly a cyborg and not an android at all? Nope, no matter what wikipedia thinks, The Terminator is not made from any human bits. Well, maybe they peeled the skin of some human in the future, but I don’t think that’s how it worked? Father Tres, on the other hand, has, like, part of a human’s brain in his program or something (it’s a really, REALLY weird series). Winner? Father Tres.
Most likely to shoot you full of holes as soon as look at you? If you’re an evil vampire, you’re facing some serious trouble from Father Tres. Otherwise, you’re pretty much safe. He’s been programmed not to shoot innocent humans. If you’re dealing with the old-school Terminator, the answer is yes, he will shoot you up till you look like a piece of Swiss cheese. That is bleeding. However, Edward Furlong’s character totally neutered the poor Terminator, and now he doesn’t kill anybody. Winner? It’s a tie in sadness.
Coolest outfit? The Terminator totally stole some fat biker’s leather clothes. That’s so cool! But Father Tres dresses like a priest who carries around a ton of guns. Winner? Father Tres.
Overall winner? Apparently, you can’t get any cooler than being a gunslinging android priest, but The Terminator comes as close as anybody.
Things that would portray Spike Spiegel better than Keanu Reeves could ever possibly hope
Hey! It’s a top ten list about how bad Keanu Reeves sucks and how awesome Cowboy Bebop’s Spike Spiegel is! It’s like taking two things I love (saying how bad Keanu Reeves sucks and Cowboy Bebop) and mashing them together into one giant gooey mashed-up potato cake or something.
Gods, Hollywood, can't you see what a bad idea this is?
Mmmmm, potato cakes.
So what could portray Spike Spiegel better than Keanu Reeves could ever possibly hope? Let’s find out! (Note: not all things on this list are animate objects.)
1. A life-size Spike Spiegel cardboard cutout. The advantage this has over Keanu Reeves is that it already looks like Spike Spiegel. Also, the acting.
2. A mynah bird. A mynah bird is nature’s tape recorder. Just let the thing watch a few episodes of Cowboy Bebop, and you have got yourself someone who can replicate more of Spike Spiegel’s mannerisms than, say, I don’t know, Keanu Reeves. Because the only mannerism of Spike Spiegel Keanu Reeves could replicate is the part at the end (spoiler alert!), where he is lying there dead. And he’d probably screw that up by goddamn breathing or something.
I could've been a contender! SQUAWK! (Note: I don't actually know if Mynah birds say "Squawk.")
3. Speaking of dead (belated spoiler alert!), a corpse. A corpse has the advantage of having once possessed the ability to convincingly portray basic human emotion, something Keanu Reeves is sadly, sadly lacking.
4. That guy who dressed up like Spike Spiegel at Comic-Con. Any of them. All of them. Hell, you could shoot a different Spike Spiegel cosplayer for each different scene, and it would still be better than Keanu Reeves.
Bonus! This guy's kind of cute, too!
5. An Elvis impersonator. I’m not sure if this would actually be better than Keanu Reeves, but it certainly couldn’t be any worse.
Sure, I could add ... what's his name? ... Spike Spiegel? ... to my repertoire.
6. A CGI character. Sure, it’s a “live-action” movie. Hey, the Star Wars prequels were “live-action” “movies.” So was the Lord of the Rings trilogy! We could totally replace Keanu Reeves with a computer replica of Spike Spiegel, and no one would be the wiser, except for, you know, the acting.
I feel a little bit wrong about using an image of Gollum, but you've got to admit: he's got dramatic range!
7. A collectible Cowboy Bebop piece of memorabilia, like a lighter or something. Again, has the advantage of looking like Spike Spiegel. Again, ACTING!
8. A raccoon. I know, I know. Spike Spiegel doesn’t seem much like a raccoon, right? But when you think about it, with those little masks, raccoons are totally the bandits of the animal world. And Spike Spiegel was a bandit … aw, crap, he was a bounty hunter. What’s the bounty hunter of the animal world? People? Shit, this totally fell apart on me. Well, anyway, a raccoon would still be a better choice to play Spike Spiegel than Keanu Reeves.
The raccoon thinks you suck too, Keanu Reeves.
9. A wooden spoon. Why the wooden spoon? BECAUSE IT’S LESS WOODEN THAN KEANU REEVES, THAT’S WHY!
ACTING!!!!!!
10. An actual, real actor. Frak you, Hollywood, why does Keanu Reeves have a career anyway? I hate you so much.
Since that's a pretty teeny representation, it says: "Blank: his entire emotional range in one word." I can do no better than that. Replace me with a damn mynah!
It’s time for the obligatory Eric Elbogen post!
By "Eric Elbogen of the excellent band Say Hi," I mean "Eric Elbogen IS the excellent band Say Hi." I would protect you from stalkers like myself, Mr. Elbogen!
Q. Hey, Eric Elbogen of the excellent band Say Hi, are you in the market for a bodyguard?
A. Because I am totally awesome at throwing myself in front of things and shouting “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
Butt cannons are the best! or, Why the hell would I see Astro Boy?
I love Japan. The men are prettier than me and the porn is really weird. Seriously, what is up with the whole tentacle thing? Actually, don’t tell me. I have a feeling it’s even grosser when you know the reasoning behind it.
But one of the things I’ve always loved (for reals) about Japan is their supra-excellent comic books and cartoons (manga and anime for the uninitiated among you). One of those manga and anime is Astro Boy! I never liked Astro Boy. Not one bit. I don’t care if it’s from the golden age of manga. I don’t care if it’s a classic. America had a golden age of comics too, people, and a lot of it was crap.
Ha ha, Astro Boy, you always were a bit of a wanker.
Not crap with butt cannons, though. Only Astro Boy has those.
(It’s a porn thing again, isn’t it, Japan?)
And now, for some reason, Hollywood (who hates me) has decided to Americanize the hell out of Astro Boy and bring it to America! Huzzah?
Well, it's not as bad as this, I guess.
Looking more like a retooling of Toy Story or that awful one with the fish (god, how I hate you, fish!!) or the other … Pixar, that’s the name of the studio! (I couldn’t remember that at the beginning of that sentence.) Anyway, looking like a Pixar flick, Astro Boy kind of, well, fraks up the whole reason people watch anime in the first place.
Because it doesn’t look like crappy American cartoons.
Wayyyyyy better than Scooby Doo, am I right?
(Probably also for the cartoon porn, I don’t know.)
The voice cast is pretty wow, what with Kristen Bell throwing her talents away some more (knock it off, Veronica Mars! You have a great voiceover talent, but maybe you could do some real anime or something? Please? I will petition Hollywood to let you star in movies that don’t suck, I promise!), and Donald Sutherland doing something, plus Eugene Levy, Charlize Therone and a whole load of other people whose names sound familiar to me but I don’t know what movies they’ve ever been in before ever. Except “Nicolas Cage as Dr. Tenma,” because I’ve heard of both those guys.
In any case, I can neither condone watching Astro Boy nor even avoid actively hating your guts if you choose to do so. May I suggest Cirque Du Freak instead? That actually looks kind of cool.
