I always feel bad for animals whose owners dress them up in clothing. I mean, isn’t one of the joys of being an animal getting to be naked all the time? The freedom! The glorious freedom! Your schnoodle (hee, schnoodle) doesn’t want to wear the sweater granny knit him!
But the worst offenders always come out on Halloween, which is why I believe there is a pet network plotting their overthrow of humanity.
Don’t believe me?
1. Tiny Little Very Tiny Sooooo Tiny Puppy in a Bumblee Costume. Sure, it’s the cutest damn thing you’ve ever seen, and you just made “awwww” noises in a baby-talk voice, but wait till this little guy grows up. He’s going for the throat. You know, if you bend over low enough.
2. Dog in the Wizard of Oz Dorothy Costume. At least the dog isn’t as much of a wanker as that guy in the brick road costume, but that’s the only bright side.
3. Such a Tiny Little Cutie-Pie Teeny-Weeny Dog in a Teddy Bear (?) Costume. Who’s a cute little guy who’s plotting my demise? You are! You are!
4. Traumatized Dog with a Knight on its Back. “Hey, honey, the dog’s in the SCA too, right?”
5. Angry dog in a Fairy Costume. Look at the gleam in that poor dog’s eyes.
6. The Cat who is apparently dressed as Madonna. Ha, ha, your cat just shat in your coffee in revenge.
7. The “Don’t Eat Me” Dachshund in a Hot Dog Costume. Yeah, we get it. It’s a wiener dog.
8. The “Someone Painted Me Like a Skunk” Dog. Bastards.
9. The “Enjoying a Day at the Races” Guinea Pig Pair. Who the hell dresses up a guinea pig? What kind of sick mind does that?
10. Taco Dog. Why the obssession with dressing small dogs as food? The hell?
Q. So, apparently, there’s this movie called Blood Night: the Legend of Mary Hachet, which begs this question:
Q. Did she take on the name Mary Hachet after murdering a bunch of people with a hachet or was she named Mary Hachet all along and figured, “Hey, why not, you know?”
At first I was going to have Michael Myers in a face-off (ha, ha) against Freddy Krueger, but then I thought, hey! Jason Voorhees wears a mask (actually, I thought “That guy from Friday the 13th wears a mask,” and Google supplied me with the rest) and he also doesn’t kill from some sort of strange dream world where your dreams kill you (and also Johnny Depp! NOOOOOO!!).
(Also, I think there was a movie where Jason and Freddy faced off for some reason, so … wait, what was my logic again?)
Nope, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are two horrific serial killers who are firmly grounded in reality. Or a reasonable approximation of it. Or a reasonable approximation of a reasonable approximation of reality.
I have never said reasonable approximation so many times before in my life. Don’t the words look kind of funny now, like when you say your name a bunch of times and trip yourself out?
Um, anyway, onto the battle of the masked teen-killing guys.
I guess they deserve a physicality entry, since everybody else gets one, but don’t they both wear masks because underneath they’re horrific? Or does Michael Myers even wear a mask? Do I just think it’s a mask because his face looks like a potato sack? Winner: Jason Voorhees, because hockey masks are OK-looking, sure, why not.
Murdered the hell out of a bunch of sex-crazed teens? Boy, is this ever a tie. If it wasn’t for sex-crazed teens, who would movie monsters kill? Happily wedded couples? Pshaw! Boring. Scantily-clad teenagers being mutilated to death is waaaay more entertaining.
Satisfyingly killed at the end of each film? Yes and yes. Apparently, each Halloween (except Halloween III, which was stupid and I couldn’t watch it even when I went through my “Halloween phase,” as I like to call it, which was the phase where I rented the first three Halloween movies and watched 2.33 of them) and each Friday the 13th has to have the good guys defeat the baddies. Winner? Tie again.
Death satisfyingly retconned for the sequel? Well, Jason and Michael have both been brought back from the dead repeatedly and with somewhat less than satisfying explanations/results. Winner? Tie.
Errrr, these guys seem pretty evenly matched up. I know, right? This sucks.
The physical embodiment of evil? No one’s denying that Jason Voorhees is evil, unless there’s a Friday the 13th with a psychologist who thinks he’s just misunderstood and then gets killed, but no one ever said he was evil personified, like Michael Myers. People said that about him. A lot. Winner? Michael Myers.
Fought Freddy Krueger once? Wait, that’s no fair. I already mentioned this in the intro. I’ve never even seen a Friday the 13th movie, so, by default, I like Michael Myers better and should be stacking these questions in his favor!! Winner: Jason Voorhees.
Better theme music? I don’t know what the Friday the 13th theme sounds like (or if there even is one), and since I’m doing this at work (shhhhh), I can’t pop in the earbuds and take a listen, so Winner? Halloween! Everyone knows the dee-doo-dee-dee-doo theme!
Didn’t have to resort to having his mommy kill people for him? Yeah, was Jason Voorhees even in the first Friday the 13th? It was like the opposite of Psycho or something. Michael Myers, on the other hand, never needed mommy to do any killing for him. Unless he did in one of the sequels I didn’t see, I don’t know. Anyway, until I start watching slasher flicks … winner? Michael Myers!
Now you’re really stacking these questions in Michael Myers’ favor! I know, right?
Overall winner? Michael Myers, for being the monster in the slasher films I actually saw!
Well, whenever it was released, it opens in my town this weekend, so it counts, right?
I’ve got nothing against Rob Zombie. In fact, I liked several songs by that band he was in in the ’90s with the beautiful chick with the cool dreads? White Zombie.
Also, he wrote an intro to 3×3 Eyes when Dark Horse was still carrying it, and anyone who loves good manga is A-OK in my book. Or something less lame than A-OK….
And I can see how it’s a totally natural career choice and all for him to go into making horror movies. I mean, the guy’s name is Rob Zombie. You’ve got three choices with that name: 1) metal music; 2) horror films; 3) zombie. He’s done the first two, and I’m sure he’s made arrangements to return as a re-animated corpse after his untimely demise. (I’m assuming his demise will be untimely. Guy’s name is Rob Zombie!! No one named Zombie dies peacefully in their sleep (that I know of).)
What I don’t understand, though, is why he’s gone the remake route? Wait, should that have been a sentence? It seemed more like a declaration than a question. I just made it a question because it started with “what,” but yeah, it should have been a period at the end.
(I mean, especially since his name is Rob Zombie, you’d think he’d make zombie films for the synergy of it or whatever.)
But why mess with the greats? Michael Myer seemed fine as he was, and you’re not going to do better than Jamie Lee Curtis, so I won’t be seeing Halloween II this weekend.
That makes Lokifire profoundly sad. Yet, when she stops to think about many of the men she knows, profoundly relieved as well.
But just ’cause a costume’s not sexy doesn’t mean it’s not still a bad, bad, terribly bad, horrible idea.
Here’s 10 of them:
1. Adult scary tree costume. Now, the web site goes with the word “adult” here instead of “men’s” because it knows, conceivably, a woman could wear this costume. However, it also knows a woman wouldn’t, so that’s why it’s soundly filed in the men’s costumes.
2. Authentic Batman costume. Nothing wrong with being Batman for Halloween (especially if you talked your wife into going as sexy Robin and convinced her you’re not a pedophile). But I think this is the version with nipples.
3. Adult Munchkin costume. It’s a bad idea if you’re a little person, and it’s a worse idea if you’re of average height. Also? Much more creepy in execution than you would think.
4. Adult Prince Charming Costume. Seriously, if your girlfriend doesn’t dump you after Halloween night for wearing this monstrosity, she has a princess fetish, and next year, she will make you be a unicorn.
5. Adult Yoda Costume. Such a bad, bad, terribly bad, horrible idea. Yet hilarious!!
6. Adult Captain Condom Costume. I can only hope they have a matching Adult Diaphragm the Dynamo Costume for the ladies, or this sucker’s going down like a lead balloon. Or lead condom.
7. King of Hearts Costume. Your inability to sit down will be the least of your worries here. Seriously, you look like a wanker, and someone is going to kick your ass.
8. Yellow Brick Road Costume. No one will get this. You are an asshole.
9. Adult Punisher Costume. Here’s a helpful tip. When dressing as a superhero, any superhero, even the serial-killing one (especially the serial-killing one, now that I think about it), please forego the muscle suit costume. Just throw on a shirt with a skull, some black pants, carry a gun (fake or real, depending on your level of commitment to the character) and love your own body.
10. Cheshire Cat Costume. Do you really want to spend your Halloween doing this? “No, I’m not a rabid rat terrier dog. I’m the Cheshire cat. No, you can tell from the stripes on the costume. And my unnatural smile. See? No, the Cheshire cat. From Alice in Wonderland? The. Cheshire. Cat.”
It’s Halloween week at Hollywood Hates Me! You know I love it for the alliterative pleasure it provides!
Welcome to the first in (depending on how busy my week gets) a daily installment of Halloween-themed posts! Herein, we will discuss the overabundance of sexy lady costumes that just don’t make sense.
(Note: the sexy Geisha costume makes perfect sense, and will not be discussed herein. What may be discussed, however, is Lokifire’s insistence on wearing Gothic-Lolita styles when she knows perfectly well that petticoats make her look stubby.)
1. Sexy Robin. Batman’s sidekick Robin, not the bird Robin. My major issue with this costume is that Robin is 1) a boy (except in the Dark Knight Returns, I know, I know, but that leads me to my second, and more major issue); 2) underage.
2. Sexy Indian Girl Costume. Whoo! That’s possibly even more racist than those sexy Geisha costumes I like so much!
3. Sexy Disco Jumpsuit. There is nothing sexy about a jumpsuit. No. Never. And especially not a disco jumpsuit.
4. Sandy from Grease. What the hell is this doing in the sexy costume section? Grease fetishists?
5. Mad Hatter Costume. Because there’s nothing sexier than — Change places, everyone!!
6. Sexy Rag Doll Costume. Yes, the web site could potentially get sued for calling it a “Raggedy Ann” costume, but that’s what it is. Ew.
7. Spongebob Costume. Seriously, you fetishists are making Lokifire a weeeee bit uncomfortable.
8. Sexy Women’s Clown Costume. Hey, you know what’s wrong with this entry? The insertion of the word “sexy” in front of the phrase “Women’s Clown Costume.” There’s nothing sexy about clowns! Gods! They’re horrifying!
9. Sexy Freddy Krueger Costume. Yes, there’s nothing sexier than a disfigured dream-stalking serial killer. But I’m in therapy for that.
10. Sexy Ghostbuster Costume. Hey, why not, you know?
“But who is Father Tres?” you ask (I told you already, I can heeeeaarrr you).
Father Tres, codenamed Gunslinger, is the gunslinging (hence the code name, I suppose) android priest from the Trinity Blood light novels/manga/anime.
“Look,” you say. “I’ve heard of The Terminator, but what the hell is Trinity Blood?”
It’s not important. All that matters is that Father Tres Iquis is a gunslinging android priest, which is possibly the coolest combination of things to be ever except for that upcoming movie, Ninja Assassin.
So how does a gunslinging android priest fare in competition against the well-known-est android of all?
Let’s find out, shall we?
Physicality. If we’re counting sheer size alone, Ahhh-nold (yes, I will insist on referring to him in that manner, as I have already told you I can’t spell his name!) wins, because he is one massive fellow. However, we all know that Lokifire doesn’t grade on muscle mass and ignore a pretty animated face. Winner? The petite, 600-lb (or so) Father Tres.
Coolest codename? The Terminator’s codename (?) is “The Terminator.” Father Tres Iquis’s codename is “Gunslinger.” Holy leaping cats, Batman! Those are both supra-awesome codenames! In conclusion, it’s a total damn tie. I mean, could you pick “Gunslinger” over “The Terminator” or vice versa? You couldn’t, could you? It’s a total draw, isn’t it? So! Awesome!
Coolest catchphrase. The Terminator has two: “I’ll be back” and “Hasta la vista, baby.” They’re cooler if you imagine Ahhh-nold saying them. Father Tres doesn’t seem to have a catchphrase, although he often tells his enemies what fraction of a second too slow they are, which is really kind of an asshole move. Could someone have programmed him to have a little discretion? Jeez. Winner? The Terminator.
Fighting for the best cause? The Terminator starts out all evil, but then he’s fighting to save humanity, and then there were some other movies that I never saw. Father Tres has always been programmed to protect humanity … from VAMPIRES! (It’s a really weird series, OK?) Winner: It’s another tie, although I’m not sure humanity is really the best cause out there, but whatever.
Coolest robotic series? The Terminator is from the 800 series of robots. Father Tres comes from the “Killing Doll” series. Oooooooh, “Killing Doll” sounds totally cool, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it?! Winner? Father Tres.
Fought something made of liquid metal? You’d think this would be a gimme for The Terminator, wouldn’t you? Well, you’re right, it is, because they quit translating the Trinity Blood novels into English, and until I learn Japanese or they make a better anime, I don’t know what happens later on in the series. Winner? The Terminator.
Possibly a cyborg and not an android at all? Nope, no matter what wikipedia thinks, The Terminator is not made from any human bits. Well, maybe they peeled the skin of some human in the future, but I don’t think that’s how it worked? Father Tres, on the other hand, has, like, part of a human’s brain in his program or something (it’s a really, REALLY weird series). Winner? Father Tres.
Most likely to shoot you full of holes as soon as look at you? If you’re an evil vampire, you’re facing some serious trouble from Father Tres. Otherwise, you’re pretty much safe. He’s been programmed not to shoot innocent humans. If you’re dealing with the old-school Terminator, the answer is yes, he will shoot you up till you look like a piece of Swiss cheese. That is bleeding. However, Edward Furlong’s character totally neutered the poor Terminator, and now he doesn’t kill anybody. Winner? It’s a tie in sadness.
Coolest outfit? The Terminator totally stole some fat biker’s leather clothes. That’s so cool! But Father Tres dresses like a priest who carries around a ton of guns. Winner? Father Tres.
Overall winner? Apparently, you can’t get any cooler than being a gunslinging android priest, but The Terminator comes as close as anybody.
Hey! It’s a top ten list about how bad Keanu Reeves sucks and how awesome Cowboy Bebop’s Spike Spiegel is! It’s like taking two things I love (saying how bad Keanu Reeves sucks and Cowboy Bebop) and mashing them together into one giant gooey mashed-up potato cake or something.
Mmmmm, potato cakes.
So what could portray Spike Spiegel better than Keanu Reeves could ever possibly hope? Let’s find out! (Note: not all things on this list are animate objects.)
1. A life-size Spike Spiegel cardboard cutout. The advantage this has over Keanu Reeves is that it already looks like Spike Spiegel. Also, the acting.
2. A mynah bird. A mynah bird is nature’s tape recorder. Just let the thing watch a few episodes of Cowboy Bebop, and you have got yourself someone who can replicate more of Spike Spiegel’s mannerisms than, say, I don’t know, Keanu Reeves. Because the only mannerism of Spike Spiegel Keanu Reeves could replicate is the part at the end (spoiler alert!), where he is lying there dead. And he’d probably screw that up by goddamn breathing or something.
3. Speaking of dead (belated spoiler alert!), a corpse. A corpse has the advantage of having once possessed the ability to convincingly portray basic human emotion, something Keanu Reeves is sadly, sadly lacking.
4. That guy who dressed up like Spike Spiegel at Comic-Con. Any of them. All of them. Hell, you could shoot a different Spike Spiegel cosplayer for each different scene, and it would still be better than Keanu Reeves.
5. An Elvis impersonator. I’m not sure if this would actually be better than Keanu Reeves, but it certainly couldn’t be any worse.
6. A CGI character. Sure, it’s a “live-action” movie. Hey, the Star Wars prequels were “live-action” “movies.” So was the Lord of the Rings trilogy! We could totally replace Keanu Reeves with a computer replica of Spike Spiegel, and no one would be the wiser, except for, you know, the acting.
7. A collectible Cowboy Bebop piece of memorabilia, like a lighter or something. Again, has the advantage of looking like Spike Spiegel. Again, ACTING!
8. A raccoon. I know, I know. Spike Spiegel doesn’t seem much like a raccoon, right? But when you think about it, with those little masks, raccoons are totally the bandits of the animal world. And Spike Spiegel was a bandit … aw, crap, he was a bounty hunter. What’s the bounty hunter of the animal world? People? Shit, this totally fell apart on me. Well, anyway, a raccoon would still be a better choice to play Spike Spiegel than Keanu Reeves.
9. A wooden spoon. Why the wooden spoon? BECAUSE IT’S LESS WOODEN THAN KEANU REEVES, THAT’S WHY!
10. An actual, real actor. Frak you, Hollywood, why does Keanu Reeves have a career anyway? I hate you so much.
Q. Hey, Eric Elbogen of the excellent band Say Hi, are you in the market for a bodyguard?
A. Because I am totally awesome at throwing myself in front of things and shouting “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!”
I love Japan. The men are prettier than me and the porn is really weird. Seriously, what is up with the whole tentacle thing? Actually, don’t tell me. I have a feeling it’s even grosser when you know the reasoning behind it.
But one of the things I’ve always loved (for reals) about Japan is their supra-excellent comic books and cartoons (manga and anime for the uninitiated among you). One of those manga and anime is Astro Boy! I never liked Astro Boy. Not one bit. I don’t care if it’s from the golden age of manga. I don’t care if it’s a classic. America had a golden age of comics too, people, and a lot of it was crap.
Not crap with butt cannons, though. Only Astro Boy has those.
(It’s a porn thing again, isn’t it, Japan?)
And now, for some reason, Hollywood (who hates me) has decided to Americanize the hell out of Astro Boy and bring it to America! Huzzah?
Looking more like a retooling of Toy Story or that awful one with the fish (god, how I hate you, fish!!) or the other … Pixar, that’s the name of the studio! (I couldn’t remember that at the beginning of that sentence.) Anyway, looking like a Pixar flick, Astro Boy kind of, well, fraks up the whole reason people watch anime in the first place.
Because it doesn’t look like crappy American cartoons.
(Probably also for the cartoon porn, I don’t know.)
The voice cast is pretty wow, what with Kristen Bell throwing her talents away some more (knock it off, Veronica Mars! You have a great voiceover talent, but maybe you could do some real anime or something? Please? I will petition Hollywood to let you star in movies that don’t suck, I promise!), and Donald Sutherland doing something, plus Eugene Levy, Charlize Therone and a whole load of other people whose names sound familiar to me but I don’t know what movies they’ve ever been in before ever. Except “Nicolas Cage as Dr. Tenma,” because I’ve heard of both those guys.
In any case, I can neither condone watching Astro Boy nor even avoid actively hating your guts if you choose to do so. May I suggest Cirque Du Freak instead? That actually looks kind of cool.