Hollywood Hates Me

Capt. Apollo vs. Luke Skywalker

October 8, 2009 at 11:52 am (Fictional Character Battles) (Battlestar Galactica, Cylons, Lee Adama, Luke Skywalker, Star Wars)

That’s right, folks. Today, we’ll find out which of these two is the whiniest whiner couldn’t-live-up-to-Daddy’s-awesomeness poor-poor-me of the two space operas. Lee “Captain Apollo” Adama or Luke “I am a Jedi, like my father before me” Skywalker.

I'm thinking about my daddy.

That's a coincidence! I, too, am thinking about MY daddy.

This will be a tough one.

Let the whining … commence!

Physicality. Sometimes, when I go to my (internal) happy place, what greets me there is an image of Lee Adama’s chest. It’s a well-sculpted, nicely defined chest. I think he had other body parts too, but I can’t be certain. Luke Skywalker? Ummm, I’m sorry, I’m too busy thinking about Apollo’s chest. Winner? Apollo’s chest.

This caption is pretty much unnecessary. The chest speaks for itself.

Ass-kickingest sidekick/friend? Apollo’s bff was his occasional frak-buddy, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace. I love me some Kara “Starbuck” Thrace (la-la-la, her last scene didn’t happen, la-la-la, my eyes are closed and my fingers are in my ears, la-la-la!) and her cigar-smokin’, hotshot-flyin’ ways. Luke Skywalker’s bff, however, was someone called Han Solo, also known as the hottest man in science fiction ever except for Indiana Jones, and really, it’s just a matter of do you prefer space operas or adventures in your preference. Winner? Luke.

Han shot first! Han shot first!

Just how cool were the robots Apollo/Skywalker hung with? Well, Luke was saddled with C-3PO (um, is there a hyphen there? Too lazy to research! Pressing valiantly on!), whom history has decided was the first gay robot ever chronicled, and not the fun kind of gay like takes you out dancing and calls you girlfriend, and R2-D2, who was basically an oversized Swiss army knife. Apollo gots to hang out with all sorts of hot cylons, plus the centurions. Winner? Apollo.

Why, no, I don't ever miss a chance to use a photo of cylon Sam Anders and his biceps, why do you ask?

Never had to wear a fat suit? Luke, you lucky bastard, you didn’t have to face the first part of Season 3 of Battlestar Galactica. Apollo, you looked like an utter wanker. Where did your chest go, sir? Where did your chest go? Winner? Skywalker.

Biggest daddy issues? Oh, God, why did I even go there? First Luke thinks his dad was a good Jedi who died. Then he learns out his dad is a bad Jedi who is trying to kill him. Then he learns his dad was Hayden Christensen. You’d think that would be enough to earn him the crown here, but noooooooo. Apollo could never live up to the supra-awesome that was his father, Admiral Frakkin’ Adama, and you had better believe it, because Apollo’s a weiner and Adama is a demi-god. From episode to episode, he alternated between trying to get Daddy’s approval to trying to piss Daddy off, and occasionally he took his shirt off, which made everything OK. The winner? This? Is a big fat tie, because, seriously, stop whining about your dads, you two. Gods.

Luke, nothing I can say will make this better, so I will resort to childish taunting: Your daddy wears a pink shirt! Your daddy wears a pink shirt!

Made out with his sister? A lot of people called Apollo and Starbuck the wonder twins, but they weren’t actually related, whereas Leia and Luke were real twins for reals, and ewwwwwwww. Winner? If you can win this category, it would be Luke “Incest is best” Skywalker.

Saved humanity? Ehhhhh, Apollo convinced everyone in the BSG universe to give up technology when they finally found earth, so it’s more like he doomed humanity, really. Oh, sure, it was to prevent more cylons from being made, but did he take notice of how hot they were? Stupid Apollo. Skywalker tossed the evil emperor to his doom. Winner? Luke Skywalker.

What were you thinking, Apollo? I don't even like ladies, but dahh-yumm.

Overall winner? Luke Skywalker. Look, he may have whined a bit, but in the end, he did harness the powers of The Force. Apollo? Not so much. Even his dad couldn’t stand being around him anymore. I mean, did you see how fast he took off when Roslin was dying? See you in hell, Apollo, am I right?