Thanks to “books” like Twilight, teenaged girls nowadays are all twitterpated over vampires, werewolves and other boys not likely to ask them out, no matter how resoundingly average these teenage girls are.
But, on the off chance, should you be approached by a mythical being and invited to the movies (Ninja Assassin, maybe), should you go?
Heavens no, ladies, and here’s the reasons why.
1. Should you date a vampire?
The pros: He’s eternally beautiful. He’s got great fashion sense. He watches you when you sleep and vows to protect you, even if “protecting you” means “dumping your ass for your own good.” Sure, you can’t enjoy a nice home-cooked Italian meal together, but you’ve got to take your bads with your goods.
The cons: OK, if he’s watching you while you sleep and you didn’t ask him to do so, he is a stalker. But that is the least of your concerns. He is an unaging dead man. That’s right, girls. Please don’t forget that vampires are dead. You are a necrophiliac. Plus, garlic is a mainstay not only of Italian food, but also Chinese! Two entire categories of food are now closed to you! What are you thinking? Dump him! Dump him now!!
2. Should you date a werewolf?
The pros: Wow! You’ve got a boyfriend and a pet, all at once!
The cons: Wow! You’ve got a boyfriend and a pet, all at once! Seriously, what are you going to do when your prom date wees all over your dad’s slippers in some sort of misconstrued territory-marking event? When he brings you presents of dead chickens and your neighbor’s dog? Kind of hard to swat your boyfriend with a newspaper, isn’t it? (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
3. Should you date an incubus?
The pros: An incubus isn’t just a glam-goth band that covered that great New Order song. In mythological terms, an incubus is a red-hot demon lover. Sweet! Red-hot demon lover!
The cons: Your red-hot demon lover feeds on your life force to live. Sure, you’ve got a few weeks (maybe months) of good times, but eventually you’ll waste away and he’ll start hooking up with that bimbo down the street.
4. Should you date a superhero?
The pros: For the pros, let’s quote The Metasciences’ “Four-Color Love Story”: “I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers, but you’re the only girl I’ll ever love.” Imagine how Lois Lane must feel! Sue Dibny! Gwen Stacy!
The cons: Two of those ladies are dead as hell. It’s dangerous to be a superhero’s girlfriend. Plus, let’s quote The Metasciences again. “I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers.” Waitaminute! Every night? What about dinner and a movie? What about curling up before the fireplace? Not to mention, if your man has what it takes to dress up in spandex and fight crimes, there’s something a little off with him.
5. Should you date a Greek god?
The pros: He’s an all-powerful being of great beauty! What’s not to love?
The cons: The Greek gods are nefarious for their inconstancy. Zeus knocked up anything that moved. And beware the jealous streak or you’ll end up a willow or a partridge or a cow or god (heh) knows what!
6. Should you date a ghost?
The pros: Your human lover has just died. Awwww. But he’s returned in spectral form! Huzzah!
The cons: Like the vampire before him, this guy is dead. Also, he’s intangible. He will always weigh less than you.
7. Should you date a merman?
The pros: He’s a good swimmer. Got a great upper body. Great rapport with sea creatures.
The cons: I’ll let the immortal words of Futurama’s Fry speak for the cons, here: “Why couldn’t her upper half have been a fish?”
8. Should you date an alien?
The pros: You’ve always had a fondness for foreign boys, and this Martian/Venutian/Planet 212-er is as foreign as they get! What’s not to love?
The cons: You’ve got the whole interspecies breeding thing going on here. If an alien is advanced enough to find his way here to our planet and wants to date you, an average girl on a planet filled with people who haven’t mastered space travel, you have just met a guy who wants to date a kitten.
9. Should you date an android?
The pros: He never tires. He’s eternally beautiful. (Man, a lot of these guys are working the whole “eternally beautiful” thing.) He can be programmed to be whatever kind of boyfriend you like.
The cons: You do realize you’re dating a soulless automaton, right? (That can be programmed to be whatever kind of boyfriend you like.) There’s no cons here! That is, if he’s made of a lightweight material and not a body-crushing titanium blend or something.
10. Should you date a sensitive musician?
The pros: He’s sensitive. He’s a musician. He will write you love songs.
The cons: This guy doesn’t exist. Forget the vampire, the werewolf and the merman. There is no such thing as a sensitive musician.
As I always say, Bruce Campbell is a god.
So who could be better than Bruce Campbell? Only Bruce Campbell himself.
The question is: do we (by we, I ostensibly mean “the masses,” but probably am actually just using the royal “we”) prefer Evil Dead flavor Bruce Campbell or Burn Notice flavor Bruce Campbell?
Let’s find out!
(Yes, it’s so exciting as to deserve an exclamation point!)
Physicality. Bruce Campbell makes a lot of jokes about the size of his chin, but he’s no Jay Leno, and we couldn’t be more grateful for that! It’s kind of hard to have Bruce Campbell go up against himself, because he’s aged pretty damn gracefully, but you know what? He was a pretty cute young man! The ripped shirt, the chainsaw hand … rowr! Winner? Ash.
Bigger badass? Now, I know most of you haven’t seen the first Evil Dead. Or the second Evil Dead. Only Army of Darkness. I highly recommend Evil Dead 2, but you needn’t bother with the original. However, the lesson we have taken from Evil Dead: the First One is that Ash is a bit of a wuss. His friend Scotty was the more heroic/stupid of the two: beating off the baddies, trying to convince everyone to make a break for it. Ash really only survived the first Evil Dead through a stroke of luck/being bff with the director. By Evil Dead 2, he’d gotten a bit more badass, but he still did quite a bit of whining. By Army of Darkness, he was the badass we know and love, spouting one-liners as he killed demons. However, he still had that wussy Ash in his past, so I can’t do anything but vote for Sam Axe, who stood up to all kind of torture and puts up with Fiona. Winner? Sam Axe.
Better name? Ash is a cool name. It’s a kind of tree that’s perfect for staking vampires! It’s what’s left of vampires when they are hit by the bright light of day! It’s a nickname for Ashley! … Really? Yeah, that’s right, people. That’s what happens when you don’t watch the first Evil Dead. You don’t know Ash’s name is really “Ashley.” Sam Axe, on the other hand, could even be short for “Samantha,” and it wouldn’t matter, because his last name is Axe. Winner? Sam Axe.
Blows shit up? Ash may have caused a few demons to explode in Army of Darkness, in the past, where physics was waaaay more awesome than it is now. Sam Axe, on the other hand, is pretty content to sit back and let Fiona handle the fireworks in Burn Notice. Man, do a lot of things explode on that show. I love that show. Winner? Ash.
Helps the helpless? Sam Axe works with his good buddy, Mr. Super Smokin’ Hot Spy Guy aka Michael Westen, to help those that can’t help themselves, usually through some hourlong con/the power of explosions. It’s his thing. Ash really had to be coerced into helping the unbathed masses in Army of Darkness, and prior to that, he was pretty much in it to win it. Wait, I just said that for the stupid rhyme. I meant, he was very Darwinistic about the whole affair. Winner? Still, they do both help others. It’s a tie.
Has a chainsaw hand? Groovy. Winner? Ash.
Defeats evil? Bruce Campbell defeats evil all over the place, baby. Also Ash and Sam Axe do too. Winner? Another tie!
Master of snappy one-liners? You don’t put Bruce Campbell into anything and not give him some snappy one-liners. Both Ash and Sam Axe are masters of snark. A tie again.
Better job? If you count Ash’s job as being slayer of Candarian demons and not S-Mart clerk, then he’s got a better job, because who doesn’t want a job slaying demons, you know? However, his job is officially S-Mart clerk, so Sam Axe’s “mercenary” wins the day. Winner? Sam Axe.
Great, now you’ve officially tied it. I know. It’s so hard to choose.
Overall winner? The real winner in a battle of Bruce Campbells is us, the people who live in a world with Bruce Campbell. (Because he’s a god.)
Oh, Ninja Assassin. Could someone have made a movie more awesome than thou? (Thee?) You have ninja! And also assassins! You have Korean pop stars! (Who also spurned the hell out of Megan Fox, by the way, which makes them the most awesome pop stars ever. I really should have gone to the singular by this point. Whatever.)
You have glorious action sequences! I’m pretty sure something exploded! There’s more ninja! There’s more ninja.
What could possibly keep me from seeing this movie, other than wild horses and other catastrophes? (Like a tornado and there are wild horses in the tornado and also a house lands on me.)
Oh, you brought in J. Michael Stracyzinski on the script and he finished revisions in 53 hours? Is that what he was doing instead of finishing some of the comic book series he keeps starting? Stop tempting me to boycott you, Ninja Assassin. You seem perfect in every respect otherwise!
Oh, you’re produced by the Whatever their names are brothers? Who also produced Speed Racer? And, for some reason, cast Keanu Reeves as the lead in a trilogy of movies, leading millions of moviegoers to confuse his dead-eyed stare for the character’s dead-eyed stare and think he was actually acting or something? Those brothers?
Damn you, Ninja Assassin. Stop telling me these things. I want to love you! I want to love you so much. I mean, you even have a character named “pretty ninja”! That’s my name! I mean, you know, when I cosplay or whatever. Or dream. Whatever.
Is there anything else you want to disappoint me with?
Very well, then. Try to win my love back, why don’t you. Try to –
Oh, right. The action sequences.
I love you, Ninja Assassin. I want to be with you forever.
I haven’t been watching much TV lately. Reruns of Leverage on occasion, the occasional Biggest Loser episode. (I’m an addict! I can’t stop myself! I feel so unclean!) Mostly, I’m just biding my time until Chuck returns (NBC didn’t bring it back early and no one told me, right? RIGHT?).
But I’d heard about this show, White Collar, right? And it’s got Bryce Larkin from Chuck, right? And he’s playing this con man who works for the FBI. I’m like, hey! Con man, FBI? The explosions are practically guaranteed.
Sadly, after watching two episodes, I saw there was only one explosion and it was really lame. Also, it was telegraphed from 20 miles away. As. Was. Everything. Else.
I went into the show expecting some fun times. A little con here, a little gunplay there, a little Bryce Larkin doing cool spy stuff.
Wrong. Damn. Show.
There was no conning. Well, hardly any conning. No interesting conning, anyway. No gunplay. I mean, it is called “White Collar,” which is like, what, business crimes? But still, guns!! And did Bryce Larkin do anything interesting??! No! He moped about his girlfriend who is a trapped in a really boring season-long side arc/his lameass motivation and smirked a bit.
And, to add insult to injury, the pilot featured that guy. That guy has been in episodes of my favorite shows (Battlestar Galactica, Burn Notice, Leverage) and I didn’t like him then! What made White Collar think I would like him in a much, much weaker show? Look, I know you Fireflyers/Whedonites have a soft spot for that guy, but he always plays the same smarmy guy, which is fine and hooray for finding a niche, but stop being on every show, Jesus.
Plus (and this was really annoying), White Collar cast Tiffani Thiessen as the boring FBI guy’s boring perfect wife, and so the whole time, I kept going, “Hey, when did she drop the -Amber?”
I was considering watching a third episode to see if things picked up, but then I decided no, because if a television show can’t do a fashion week episode and make me care, then what could they possibly do to improve it? Zombies and ninjas can’t save everything, you know.
I’ve always heard people say things like: “Why don’t they cast real people in movies?” or “That model’s not real!” or “Wow, I was surprised to meet (insert celebrity name here) and learn that (insert proper celebrity gender pronoun here) was a real person, just like me!”
And I’ve always thought, “Uh, yeah, they’re real people who just happen to be more attractive and talented than you. What, do you think Hollywood makes these people?”
But lately, I’ve thought, “Hey, what if Hollywood does make these people?”
So I’ve compiled a list of 10 celebrities who are probably not androids, but totally could be maybe.
1. Angelina Jolie.
Why she could be an android: Seriously, the woman looks like she was created in a lab. Full, pouting lips. Luxurious hair. Other womanly parts. All slightly off. Like the scientists were like, “here’s all the ingredients for sexy!”, put them together and were like, “errrrr….”
Why she’s actually not an android: Man, I don’t care how mad those scientists are, nobody’s going to make an android that makes out with its brother. That’s breaking all sorts of Asimov’s rules of robotics (or whatever).
2. Tom Cruise.
Why he could be an android: Seriously, do you think that Tom Cruise is a real, actual human? Really?
Why he’s actually not an android: If Hollywood could make movie stars, they wouldn’t make them shorter than their wives.
3. Veronica Mars, aka Kristen Bell.
Why she could be an android: Because Veronica Mars, aka Kristen Bell, is the perfect nerd fantasy. She’s snarky but sweet. She’s beautiful but a bit of a geek. She has the voiceover prowess of a god! This girl was clearly made in the dungeon lab (read as: parents’ basement) of a supra-nerd.
Why she’s actually not an android: Yeah, right, do you think Mr. Supra-nerd would have let his creation out into the public once he was finished?
4. Takeshi Kaneshiro.
Why he could be an android: He speaks four languages … fluently. He is an actor and a model. He does a great action scene and a pretty good romance scene. Obviously, these traits were programmed into him.
Why he’s actually not an android: Because only the hand of the Almighty could create something that beautiful. (Man’s prettier than a sunset, is what I’m saying.)
5. Miley Cyrus.
Why she could be an android: You know that Disney’s got a tween-star production line, churning out that perfect combination of sexy milquetoast that the kids love and the parents feel a little bit wrong about.
Why she’s actually not an android: I’m not sure she’s not.
6. Zac Efron.
Why he could be an android: Another perfect example of the Disney production line, hard at work. The floppy (but not too floppy) hair! The blue (but not too blue) eyes! The pouty (but not too … OK, you get it, fine) lips! Etc.! Etc. to the nth degree!
Why he’s actually not an android: If Disney had made this boy, they would have implanted a Disney loyalty chip, and if he tried to expand his acting horizons, he would destruct like a Mission Impossible message.
7. Kate Hudson.
Why she could be an android: Because if she wasn’t an android, wouldn’t she be funny in rom-coms, like her mom Goldie Hawn? “Funny” is genetic, right?
Why she’s actually not an android: Probably Hollywood would have programmed her to be funny in rom-coms.
8. Robin Williams.
Why he could be an android: One of Hollywood’s early attempts at the perfect acting unit, he was programmed to start out edgy and gradually fall into a dark hole of suckitude.
Why he’s actually not an android: I think I’ve seen him bleed before. But that could’ve been oil.
9. Megan Fox.
Why she could be an android: Often called “the poor man’s Angelina Jolie,” Fox got her start “acting” with a bunch of giant robots. Unfortunately, that only emphasized how much she had in common with them.
Why she’s actually not an android: Because if Michael Bay was going to make the perfect movie girl, he wouldn’t have made her be such an asshole.
10. Keanu Reeves.
Why he could be an android: The woodenness. The dead eyes. The gaping-mouthed stare. Nothing about this man says “human.”
Why he’s actually not an android: Because he is just not cool enough to be an android, that’s why. Yes, my logic here is that I hate Keanu Reeves but I love androids, so clearly he is not an android. And you know what? My logic stands. Go to hell, non-android Keanu Reeves.
I remember once reading a letter to the editor from a little old lady about “kids nowadays” and the way they “drive up and down the streets blasting their music at the top of their lungs.” Or their stereos’ lungs, old lady, whatever. But what really got to her, I mean, just choked her chickens (or is that a euphemism for masturbation? Eh, whatever), was “And it’s not Mozart they’re playing, either!”
Well, duh, you stupid old lady. Mozart is definitely not one of the great classical composers whose music is conducive to being blasted out of car steroes. Which is why he and Bach suck.
But here, for your reading (and listening!) pleasure, is a list of 10 songs that you should play at full blast, just to show your neighborhood gangstas (are they even called that anymore?) that you too know how to get down.
(I don’t think they say “get down” anymore. Gods, I’m old.)
1. “O Fortuna” from Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana. It’s a slow burn, building and building until BAMM!!! In comes that bass drum and holy shit, does that song take off! (PS: Carmina Burana is one of the bawdiest, awesomest pieces of music out there. Please listen to it.)
2. “Dies Irae” by Giuseppe Verdi. No slow burn here. This piece takes off running and doesn’t stop until the end (of the world, because that’s what Dies Irae means).
3. “Mars” from Gustav Holst’s The Planets Suite. This movement isn’t called “The Bringer of War” for nothing, and has inspired hundreds of modern musicians, including (I think) a guy from Led Zeppelin. (What? I’m not researching that. Go to hell.)
4. “Infernal Dance” from Igor Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite. This is the dance of the great Russian ogre/god Koschei the Deathless. You know if your last name is “the Deathless,” you’re not going to be doing any pussy pirouetting. So! Awesome!
5. “Night on Bald Mountain” by Modest Mussorgsky. It’s pronounced Moh-dest, not Mah-dest, becase there is nothing modest about this composer’s music. This song is the scariest and best bit in Fantasia.
6. “Queequeg” from Francis McBeth’s Of Sailors and Whales. Not to neglect modern composers here, this is one of the best bits of music written for concert bands in years. I love the syncopated bits!
7. “Gandalf” from Johan de Meij’s Lord of the Rings Symphony. This is the other great piece of music written for concert band. I prefer the final movement, “Hobbits,” but “Gandalf” is definitely worth rolling your window down to annoy the redneck beside you.
8. “In the Hall of the Mountain King” from Edvard Grieg’s Peer Gynt. This is another slow burner. You’ll be tempted to turn up the volume at the beginning, but you will blow your speakers by the end. Why? Because it’s just that awesome, that’s why.
9. “Montagues and Capulets” from Sergei Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet. Did you know they used this song in a sneaker commercial? They did! They did use this song in a sneaker commercial. It gets real quiet at parts, but the loud bits? Holy powerful, Batman!!
10. “1812 Overture Finale” by Piotr/Pyotr/Peter Tchaikovsky. Hey, do you know what they use for percussion in this song? Godsdamned cannons, that’s what they use. Try to see any rock band nowadays using cannons in their compositions. Tchaikovsky kicked all your asses.
It has recently come to my attention that teenage girls love nothing more than getting dumped for their own good. I thank the author of Twilight for this brilliant insight. I will now co-opt that idea for my own, superior supernatural teenage romance/dump drama!
Josiah (or something), the Bulgarian Demon, and Whatserella were enjoying their twentieth date or something (note: I may or may not get around to writing about their previous dates, but rest assured, they were filled with dialogue like: “You make me glad I left the fiery pits of the Bulgarian hell to experience suburban dating,” and “I’m nothing without you,” and “My entire existence is meaningless if I’m not in a relationship! Errrr…with you.”) when suddenly Joseph (or something) looked seriously at Whatserella. You might even call it gazing. Yeah, yeah, he gazed seriously at Whatserella, whose cheeks flushed red under his insightful eyes.
“You’re looking at me so intently,” she said, because you might not have gotten it just from reading it the first time.
“I just … I don’t want to ever hurt you,” he said.
“Oh, Jeffrey (or something),” she sighed, and leaned against him on the ferris wheel. (Did I not mention their 20th date or something is at the fairgrounds and they’re riding the ferris wheel? Because I totally meant to, I swear.)
He pushed her away determinedly.
“Why have you pushed me away so determinedly?” she asked.
“Because,” he said. “This. Has. To. End.”
Whatserella sniffled a bit. “But why?”
“The thing I said earlier. You know, not wanting to hurt you.”
“But how could you hurt me?! We love each other!”
“Well, I have a barbed –” and he leaned over and whispered a word in her ear. That word rhymed with “weenus.”
“Oh,” she said solemnly. “Yes. That would hurt indeed.”
Hey, tweens, teens, die-hard romantics and their unfortunate boyfriends/husbands! Guess what opens this weekend?
You didn’t need to guess, did you. You already knew, didn’t you. It’s been marked on your calendar in sparkly purple highlighter with a heart shape since the release date was announced, hasn’t it.
(Yeah, you and your sparkly purple highlighters.)
That’s right, New Moon (aka the second Twilight movie!) opens this weekend! Now, with the first Twilight flick, I made the mistake of thinking that it might not suck because I saw the trailer the first time with the sound off. This time, I didn’t make that mistake. (Uh, the mistake isn’t “seeing the movie,” because why would I do that? The mistake was “thinking for a second that it might not suck,” because, ugh, dialogue.) This time, I went into the trailer, fully prepared for the suckitude.
Or so I thought.
Or so I thought.
“It’s my birthday. Can I ask for something? Kiss me.”
(Over the sounds of my dry-heaving, I managed to gasp, “That’s not a question! It’s a demand, or at the least, a statement!”)
“You’re my only reason to stay alive. If that’s what I am.”
(My god, am I puking blood? That is! It’s blood! This dialogue is so nauseating as to make me puke blood.)
“What happened with Jasper was nothing.” “Nothing compared to what could’ve happened. I promise never to put you through anything like this ever again. This is the last time you will ever see me.”
(Holy God, I just vomited myself into a coma. Who wrote this shit? Seriously! Who wrote it?? Has anyone slapped her to death yet? Why haven’t they?? Why! Haven’t! They!)
And I can’t quote the last, and lamest bit (even lamer than the dialogue?? Yes!): the stupid CGI crap-wolf that comes leaping at the camera.
God, New Moon, even for a movie with vampires, you suck.
Q. Hey, didja hear that Sarah Palin’s book tour will be bringing her to my hometown?
A. Wow, it’s like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and a leprechaun all took a shit in my coffee!
Two uplifting tales of the underdog rising up to defeat the undefeatable. Two scrawny, pasty … wait. One scrawny, pasty kid and one hunk of man-shaped steel fighting for honor, for pride … for the girl.
But if Rocky met The Karate Kid, what would happen?
(Other than Rocky mercilessly pounding Daniel-san’s ass, because I think that’s the obvious result.)
Let’s find out here, as we have another Fictional Character Battle! (Please read that in that one announcer-guy’s voice, and then laugh to yourself a bit, like I did.)
Physicality. Both these movies were set in what I like to think of as “The Era of Crappy Clothes,” also known as the ’70s and ’80s. Thus, neither Daniel-san nor Rocky can take this category for being a snappy dresser. Seriously, Daniel goes around with tee-shirts tucked into his sweat pants. It’s just sad. But as far as actual looks go? Er, look, I love Sylvester Stallone, but it’s not really ’cause he’s attractive. And Ralph Maccio? Sure, cute, whatever. Winner? Ugh, neither. They both fugly.
Trained by? Rocky was trained by Burgess Meredith, also known as televison’s The Penguin from the hilarious Batman series. Daniel-san was trained by “Pat” “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. Winner? “Pat” Morita was possibly the most awesome human being who ever lived. He was even on an episode of M*A*S*H! Thus, Daniel-san wins.
Seriously, how awesome is Pat Morita? He developed spinal tuberculosis at age 2 and learned how to walk again at age 11, after four of the vertebrae in his spine were fused. Winner? Pat Morita. (Wait, does this really count as a category?)
Most awesome training sequence? Hey, there’s no contest here. Mr. Miyagi trained Daniel-san and made him do house- and yardwork.
But see for yourself:
Winner? Pat Morita.
Gets the girl? They both get the girl. Girls love the underdog. It’s our thing. Underdog lovers, that’s what we are. Yup. Winner? A tie.
Theme song most annoyingly stuck in your head? Is anybody else humming “Gonna Fly Now?” You’re not? You must have an iron will. I salute — and envy — you. Winner? Rocky.
Actually won his battle in the final scene? Rocky put up a good fight and “went all the way,” or whatever, but in the end, it was a draw. Daniel-san, however, with his gimpy leg and good-luck bandana, beat the evil Johnny, whose final words in the seconds before the credits roll were: “Hey, LaRusso, you’re all right.” Yeah, you were just saying that ’cause they didn’t know at that point that there’d be a sequel. Winner? The Karate Kid.
Overall winner? Well, this is a first. The winner is a guy who wasn’t even technically competing: Noriyuki “Pat” Morita, aka Mr. Miyagi, the guy I wish would train me in the arts of karate.