omigod, omigod, omigod, have you guys seen the solomon kane trailers? they’ve got me so atwitter, i can’t even capitalize, that’s how damned awesome they are.
(still punctuating though. i *heart* punctuation.)
i mean, solomon kane is like, stab and then he’s like chop and then he’s like stab-chop, which makes a sound like chab, and omigod, it’s soooooo awesome.
anyway, i don’t know when solomon kane opens, only, holy cats ablaze, batman! i can’t wait to see it.
(oooooh, and i forgot he also goes double-bang and shoots two people at the same time while he’s riding a horse, because robert e. howard (solomon kane creator, better known as conan creator) and michael j. bassett (director) love me.)
(that sound effect is less exciting than I envisioned. Just watch the trailer.)
So it’s been more than a month since I’d written an excerpt from my supra-awesome supra-natural (I’ve decided I like the nonword “supra” lately) teen romance, and I’ll bet you all thought I’d given up on it. But giving up on things isn’t like me. Not. At. All.
On to the hilarity!
After having been so brutally dumped by her mysterious Bulgarian demon boyfriend (though it was for her own good, Whatserella reflected, and she had probably done something to deserve it anyway, like not loving him hard enough or whatever), Whatserella turned to her best friend, Random Guy, for support. She would have turned to her female best friend who is a little pudgy, but not too pudgy, but then we wouldn’t have a love triangle, because every supra-natural teen romance needs a love triangle. Unless I made it some sort of bisexual love triangle, I guess, but I think I’d start losing my target audience there.
“Thanks for being there for me,” Whatserella said to Random Guy.
“Arrrgh,” said Random Guy, because he was a zombie.
(Don’t forget, the school is full of them.)
“You’ve been such a great comfort,” said Whatserella.
“Aargh,” Random Guy agreed.
“If only we could be more than friends,” said Whatserella. If only, she thought, I didn’t still long for my darling Bulgarian demon lover guy, except he’s not actually my lover because TARGET AUDIENCE.
Random Guy said something. It may have been “braaaaains,” or he might have just been spitting out the quarterback’s finger, I don’t know. That’s the thing about zombies, the eating people thing.
Suddenly, Whatserella sensed a foreboding presence behind her.
“Jordan?” she said, or maybe his name was Jack?
“I’m glad to see you’re happy,” he said, and he tried to pretend like he really was glad, except he kind of ruined it by saying that sentence in, like, this really sarcastic voice, and also he rolled his eyes while he did it and punched zombie Random Guy in the face.
“You don’t understand!” she cried, but he had already stalked off or, perhaps, more dramatically disappeared in a cloud of smoke, like Nightcrawler from X-Men. Yeah, let’s go with the teleportation thing. Sweet.
Who the hell is Jim, you say? Does Jim even have a last name, you say? Probably he does, but no one bothered to tell the Internet what it was!
(Jim is Cillian Murphy’s character in 28 Days Later, another great zombie flick.)
Sure, Shaun and Jim both faced zombies and came out triumphant, but what if they had to go up against each other? (And more zombies, because wouldn’t that be a great crossover??)
Let the epic battle begin!
Physicality. Well, we all know that there’s a soft spot in my heart for the mysteriously hot Simon Pegg, but here’s the thing. There’s nothing mysterious about Cillian Murphy’s hotness. His cheekbones could cut glass. His eyes are like, I don’t know, this real pretty color, like the sky or something, whatever. (In fact, his IMDB page describes his Trade Mark – which should really be one word – as “Bright blue eyes and prominent cheekbones.” Thank God I’m not the only one who noticed.) They’re both pretty short, though, which makes me sad, but I’ll get over it. Also, in 28 Days Later, Jim was completely nude in the hospital for some reason. (Seriously, is that some sort of British thing? “Hey, let’s strip the coma guy! Shit, are those zombies?!”) Winner? Jim.
Cooler weaponry? Shaun had a cricket bat. Mallet? Shaun had a wooden object used in the playing of cricket and he bashed zombies repeatedly about the head with said object. Later, he used a Winchester rifle that he got at the Winchester bar. Also, he used a tetherball pole. (Oooh, and records. He also used records. Not “Purple Rain,” though, God bless ‘im.) Jim had some sort of, I don’t know, baseball bat or something? (Of course, being British too, he probably also had the cricket thing, but what do I know?) Later, he used his bare hands and even a zombie as a weapon (against some remarkably crappy humans, not other zombies). Winner? Shaun, because that bit with the tetherball pole was sooooo funny.
Gets the girl? Yes! Shaun ends up with Liz, the girlfriend who dumped him just as the zombie outbreak begins. Jim hooks up with Selena, who is a crazy gorgeous chick/badass zombie killer. Winner? I’m going to have to go with Shaun here, because I can’t actually imagine Selena and Jim’s relationship lasting once the threat of imminent death was past.
Suffers tragic losses in the course of the zombie invasion? Shaun loses his stepfather, right after the man gives a heartfelt confession about having always loved his stepson. Then his mom gets bit by zombies and he has to shoot her in the face. Then his girlfriend’s flatmates get eaten by zombies. Then his best friend gets bit by zombies, and then I started crying and couldn’t stop. Gimme a second here. *sob* Jim wakes from a coma to find that his parents committed suicide to avoid turning into zombies (in this zombie flick, interestingly enough, the infected are living creatures, not walking undead). Really, those were the only people he was close to. Everyone else around him who dies are just people he met after the apocalypse. Winner? Shaun. *sob*
Bigger badass? God, did you see the way Shaun was fighting those zombies with the cricket thing? Wasn’t that cool? And the way he lit that bar counter on fire? And the way he took a dart to the head? Pretty badass, right? Hey, hey, did you see the way Jim beat that infected kid to death with his baseball bat or whatever? And then the way he killed all those soldiers who were going to rape his female companions? That was a pretty awesome sequence, wasn’t it? I mean, Jim was actually scarier than the zombies. Winner? I love Shaun (obviously), but the win here has to go to Jim, because, damn, he was one hell of a badass when he killed all those soldiers.
Lived to fight another day? You’d think this would be a tie, wouldn’t you? Well, you clearly haven’t seen the alternate (original) ending of 28 Days Later, which features Jim’s tragic demise in a hospital (bookending the movie neatly, I suppose). In that ending, he died. Winner? Shaun.
Fought scarier zombies? For a while there, Shaun and his buddy Ed thought the zombie in their yard was a drunk chick. They even took photos of her and stuff. You know, before it became painfully apparent that she was undead. (And let that be a lesson to you, folks. Always assume the creepy person in your yard is a zombie until proven otherwise! Be prepared! Zombie apocalypse!) Jim, however, had to face the first fast-moving zombies. They were, like, the Usain Bolt of zombies! Zoom! Really fast! Winner? Jim.
Better soundtrack? All right, 28 Days Later had some neat songs, like that one song by Granddaddy and that other song that played over the ending credits and also that mix of “Ave Maria.” But Shaun of the Dead had The Smiths and Peter Cetera! Plus loads of other fun and/or good songs! Winner? Shaun!
Overall winner? Looks like Shaun comes out triumphant here, people. Cillian Murphy’s Jim was awesome, but he’s no Shaun (of the Dead).
As a child, I played a game called “Superheroes” a lot. Basically, it involved my brother and I running around and hitting each other and saying, “No, I have lightning powers” or “No, I can phase through walls.”
The basic rule was: we weren’t supposed to have the same superpower as anybody else playing. This became problematic when our friends came over, because all the good powers got used up pretty fast. (Another rule was: you can’t be Superman, because that’s major unfair.)
Here’s some lame powers that if Stan Lee came up and was like, “Hey! Superpowers! You want some?”, I would have to be all: “No thank you, Mr. Stan Lee, a god among men, sir.”
1. Mind-reading. Sure, every X-man who can read your mind also has some telekinetic abilities as well, but before Jean Grey went all Dark Phoenix on our asses, she could do what? Bend spoons? And, if you’re the unfortunate X-man who can do naught but mind-read, you’re going to know the rest of your more ass-kicking teammates are thinking about how incredibly lame you are, and possibly how those pants emphasize your fat ass.
2. Time travel. There’s nothing wrong with traveling in time. In theory. But you put it into practice and what have you got? Hiro from Heroes, that’s what you’ve got! Always traveling to the past to try to fix things and making them lamer. Also traveling to the future to try to fix things and making them lamer. He might as well just stay in the present and be satisfied making it lame. Or start using his samurai sword! Jeez! Wait, what was my point here? Oh, yeah, my point was this: What good does it do you to be able to travel in time if you can’t do anything useful once you get to where you’re going, like fire laser beams from your eyes or something?
3. Invulnerability. Now, everybody wants to be Wolverine when they grow up. I mean, how cool is that? You’re a short Canadian with some supra-nasty hair, but the hot chicks still dig you, am I right, Storm and Jean Grey? Plus you’ve got the whole snikt! factor going. What could be better??! Errr, can you ever, you know, die? Wolverine’s been beat up pretty good and probably laying there with his legs in one pile and his torso in another and wishing for death, but he knows eventually, he’s going to have to drag his tattered remains back over to those legs and try to hook together. Plus, he’s lost everyone he ever loved because he is an unaging, undying freak. Thank god for that amnesia, or he’d be the mopiest X-man ever.
4. Whatever that power is that Dazzler has. Look, I don’t care how pretty the sparkly lights are that you make with your synth-crap music, if your superpower requires your supermoniker to be “Dazzler,” you have been saddled with the lamest power of all.
5. Having giant wings. Sure, you can fly like the birds and all, but where the hell do you store those things? Also, are you any good in a fight now that you have ginormous wings? No, you are not. In fact, you’re a big, fat, winged target for the other supers with far, far superior superpowers. Frak you, giant wings.
6. Turning your body into ice. I’ve already given Iceman a hard time for this, and, really, kid should take a lesson from the far superior Elijah Snow on how to use his powers, but why, why, WHY would you want to turn your body into ice? It’s like, hey! What’s more breakable than the human body? Ooooh, ice! I know, I’ll turn into that!
7. X-ray vision. This power would be all right when combined with several other powers, such as super-strength to punch the hell out of the wall you just x-ray visioned through or the power of super-thievery, but on its own? Ooooh, I can see through stuff. Ooooh. (The “Oooohs” are sarcastic.)
8. Shrinking. Batman never said, “Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, so I shall shrink down to actual bat-size to fight them.” You know why he never said that? ‘Cause that’s stupid. Ant-man, Atom-man and the rest of you, sure you can get into places that the rest of your super-powered friends can’t, but those places aren’t very awesome anyway, plus, now a rat can kick your ass. So lame.
9. Invisibility. First off, you’ve got the whole “scientifically speaking, you’d actually be blind while you’re invisible,” but what does science have to do with superpowers? Nothing. So, anyway, you’re invisible. Now what? Are you stronger? Faster? Shooting laser beams from your eyes?? No? In fact, you’re more likely to get hit by friendly fire now that your teammates can’t see you? How useful! I mean, c’mon, they didn’t give Sue Storm the ability to make force fields somehow because being invisible is so awesome.
10. Being Aqua-man. Hey! Guys! Wanna fight me?! Come get me! Yeah! Come in the water! Where the sea creatures do my bidding! Come on! What are you, chicken? You’re chicken, aren’t you? You know, we call dolphins the “chicken of the sea”! Or is that tuna? Anyway, c’mon! Let’s go! Just hop in the water! We’ll fight! I’ll whomp you good! Just hop in the water! Hey! No! Stop walking away! Stop! Walking! Away!
You know, I’ve always wondered if the Grinch was the only Grinch, like there was once a race of Grinches, and he was the last one or maybe there were others but they just didn’t like him, or if The Grinch was his name.
Not enough to actually find out, though, no siree.
Anyway! Welcome to a near-Christmas edition of Fictional Character Battles! Featuring Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch!
(On a related note, was “Ebenezer” ever a popular thing to name your child, or did Dickens just make it up?)
On to the battle of the two Christmas curmudgeons!
Physicality. Man, this category is getting to be a real albatross around my neck. *Sigh.* The Grinch is a green furry guy who doesn’t wear clothing, so is probably closer to animal than human. Also, he was played in a (craptacular) live-action movie by Jim Carrey, who is definitely closer to animal than human. On the other hand, Ebenezer Scrooge was once played by Michael Caine, who not only beat you up and stole your girlfriend, but looked supra-classy while doing it, too. AND he was 65. Winner? Michael Caine … er, Scrooge.
Anti-Christmas spirit ranking. Man, did Scrooge hate Christmas. Did he ever! With the “bah, humbug”-ing and the kicking little orphans in the kneecaps, he was a real …. Crap, I just realized that we describe people who don’t like Christmas as either Scrooges or Grinches. This sucks. Anyway, Scrooge was a jerk who hated Christmas, his employees and the welfare system. (Insert “big business” joke here.) The Grinch? Well, let’s just quote Dr. Seuss, here, shall we? “Every Who Down in Who-ville Liked Christmas a lot… But the Grinch, Who lived just North of Who-ville, Did NOT! The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.” Boy howdy! Of course, Scrooge is just generally unpleasant about the holiday and rude to his cute little nephew, while the Grinch actively tries to ruin Christmas for the Whos down in Who-ville. Winner? The Grinch.
Was terrifyingly portrayed by Jim Carrey? Gods, both of them were. That’s so horrible. Winner? It’s a tie. A horrible, horrible tie.
Had the best supporting cast of characters? Well, the Grinch only ever interacted with the Whos of Who-ville and his really cute dog. Scrooge, however, had an abundance of folk with whom he interacted. From Kermit the Frog to Fozzie Bear, he was surrounded by Muppets. Of course, if you’re not referring to the classic Christmas Carol (the Muppet one!), then he hung out with ghosts, moppets (similar to muppets, but slightly less puppet-y) and some other people. Winner? Scrooge, ’cause anybody who celebrates Christmas with ghosts is my kind of soldier. (It’s a Guided by Voices song. The phrase just popped into my head.)
Biggest Christmas turnaround? Boy, there’s nothing like knowing you’re in for an afterlife of torment and chains to change your mind about the whole “spirit of the season” thing is there? Also, singing Whos do the same thing. Everybody’s hearts grew three sizes that day! Winner? We’re all winners when people feel the Christmas spirit! Also, it’s a tie.
Overall winner? Scrooge, because Michael Caine.
Back when I was writing on the newspaper blog, I had to clean up this post title for the masses. Now I have my own blog, and “masses” rhymes with “asses.”
At any rate, Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes trailers have been working my nerves for the last six months. Why? you ask. “Why?” Because I *heart* Sherlock Holmes, that’s why! He is the best motherfrakking detective ever (with the possible exception of L, who was clearly modeled after him)! He has a masterful knowledge of human behavior, an arsenal of pithy quotes and he can bend an iron rod with his bare hands. WITH HIS BARE HANDS!
(It needed capitalizing.)
Sherlock Holmes is, in a nutshell, the be-all, end-all best detective ever, and no detective will ever live up to him, because holy Gods, he’s just that awesome.
(Also fictional. Right. I get that he’s fictional. I’m on it. Fictional.)
A master of pugilism! A god of observation! A crack shot, a cocaine addict and a violinist.
Was there nothing Holmes couldn’t do?
Yes. And that was this: Stay out of the public domain.
Which is why Guy Ritchie is all like, “Oooh, I’m making a thinking man’s action movie, and you know it’s a thinking man’s action movie because it’s about the original thinking man, Sherlock Holmes, except I’m going to bastardize everything that made the character great into one Robert Downey-sized package, and go to hell, purists.”
And I’ll admit, Ritchie’s flick looks like it could be a fun romp. (Actually, all his flicks look that way, until you realize he just made the exact same movie for the 11th time or whatever.) It just doesn’t look like a Sherlock Holmes movie.
Also? And this bugs me to no godsdamned end, people: Irene Adler was not ever EVER EVER Holmes’s love interest. He expressed admiration for her. Once. In the first Holmes story ever. She was never mentioned again. He didn’t think of her fondly. He didn’t love her. She outwitted him, and was a decent human being, and he admired her for it. Stop trying to make it a grand romance between the two of them, Hollywood and you damnable mystery writers who think you can do Holmes justice! Holmes was what he was, which was a man’s man: he was the best buddy you could ever have. He wasn’t going to abandon you to go home to his wife and kids. He didn’t have those. He wasn’t going to ignore you to chase skirts. He didn’t chase them. He had one purpose and that was to take you, Watson, on a mad, whirlwind ride of action and adventure and occasionally express his undying devotion to you.
(That paragraph got a little bit away from me there.)
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that Holmes didn’t exist without Watson. How many Holmes stories weren’t chronicled by Watson? Four! And they weren’t very good, anyway.
(I’m sorry, but they really weren’t.)
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that if you got on Sherlock Holmes’s bad side, he would pummel you to death with his fists.
He doesn’t need billy clubs.
Look, I know I pick on Twilight mercilessly, but you know what? It’s really easy and I’m the lazy sort.
Here’s 10 ways to tell if the guy you’re dating is a vampire or not.
1. Does he watch you while you sleep?
Are you sleeping in the same bed and you fell asleep before him? He’s probably not a vampire.
Did he sneak into your house to watch you sleep? He’s a stalker, but he could also be a vampire.
Before he sneaked into your house to watch you sleep, did he have to be invited inside? He could be a vampire, but he could also be a stalker with some OCD tendencies.
Is he watching you sleep while he’s floating near your ceiling? Congratulations! You’re either on the moon, or you’re dating a vampire.
2. Does he hate sunlight?
Does he have that one disease where people are allergic to sunlight? He’s not normal, and you’re doomed to a dim lifestyle, plus he probably isn’t otherwise too particularly healthy, but he’s not a vampire.
Does he freckle easily? He could just be normal and embarrassed.
Does he wear black a lot and sunglasses at night? If he’s also wearing more lipstick than you, he is probably a goth and not a vampire at all. (Are there still goths anymore? Kids nowadays, I swear.)
Does he sparkle in the sunlight? He’s not a vampire, he’s a glam rocker.
Does he burst into flames when sunlight strikes his body? Congratulations! Get that boy under a blanket stat, you’re dating a vampire!
3. When you ask how he knew where to find you, does he say things like, “I could smell you”?
Have you considered bathing more frequently? Or perhaps it’s your excessive perfume.
Does he have a hyperactive sense of smell? You will never sneak a silent fart past this guy.
Maybe he’s actually a werewolf? Could be.
Did he actually say “I could smell your blood”? And then he described how your blood smelled and got this crazy look in his eyes, tried not to drool and moaned, “I can’t help myself”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
4. Does he recoil at the sight of a crucifix?
Did he grow up in an uber-religious house? He could just be experiencing some sort of religious backlash.
Is the crucifix a little on the gaudy side? Perhaps he’s just showing good judgment.
Is he Jewish? You might want to ask if he’s Jewish. It will save you Christmas-related embarrassment.
As he recoils from said crucifix, does he also hiss and cover his face and possibly turn into smoke? Congratulations! Either this guy takes his atheism seriously, or you’re dating a vampire!
5. Does he have a large family and none of them look very much alike?
Is he adopted? He could be adopted. If he is, does he know he’s adopted? You might have to be the one to break the news.
Is he a damn hippie? Damn hippies oftentimes think of mankind at large as their “family.” (Dump him! Damn hippies!)
I hate to put it indelicately like this, but was his mom a slut? I mean, she could have 10 different baby daddies, and that could explain why none of his siblings look like him.
Does his “family” all talk about blood a lot and “keeping our true identities secret” and sometimes they talk about the Civil War like they were there and then be like, “Oops, I mean I read that in a history book!” and get all fidgety and awkward? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
6. Does he mention “lost loves” in a melancholy way?
Is he a bit of a drama queen? He could just be a drama queen.
Is he your history teacher? Your parents should probably be informed.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? Maybe they were really awful and he just wants to pretend they’re decades-long dead.
Does he look your age, seem your age, but talk about old girlfriends as if they were decades-long dead? And they actually are? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, because an android wouldn’t be so damned sentimental.
7. Does he drink a red liquid out of a wine goblet, but won’t let you have any?
Is it wine? Maybe you act like a big goober when you’re drunk.
Is it blood? He could have some sort of fetish, like those glam rockers I mentioned earlier.
Is it blood and he gets weak and withers away if he doesn’t have a glass of it every night? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire, or an actor who’s taken “The Method” to extremes.
8. Has he bitten you?
Have you tried relaxing a little? Some people find that sort of thing erotic.
Have you told him you don’t find it erotic and he does it anyway? He’s a jerk, and he’s hoping you’ll bite him back.
Has he tried not biting you, but then says something about how he can feel your blood and it’s like the heavens and earth colliding and then he’s at your neck like some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire! (Or some sort of shite-poetry-spouting leech.)
9. Did he go see Twilight with you?
Does he want in your pants really bad? Seriously, why would you make your boyfriend go to Twilight with you? I think you’re the asshole in this scenario.
Is he gay? My best gay friend always wants to see romantic comedies, which is why we never go to the movies together.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!”? He could just be a purist.
Did he sit there, snort into his hand and say, “That’s not how real vampires are!” and then follow it up with, “Er, not that I would know or anything, because I’m just your average, everyday guy.”? Congratulations! You’re dating a vampire who is also a bad liar.
10. Does nothing kill him except a stake through the heart?
Is he Michael Myers? The stake probably won’t work either. Nothing kills that guy.
Is he Spike Spiegel from Cowboy Bebop? Don’t worry, he’ll die in the series finale.
You’ve got to ask yourself, why are you staking this guy through the heart? If the answer is “Because he’s a vampire,” then congratulations! You’re dating a vampire.
So I finally got around to watching Hot Fuzz this weekend. Yeah, apparently it’s been out for two years or so. I’m busy! I’m a busy person! I’m so sorry! I should have watched it sooner! And also Shaun of the Dead! Please forgive me!!
At any rate, in between spasms of laughing my arse off, I noticed certain growing … feelings.
Could it be? I wondered. Is it a Christmas miracle?
Did my heart just GROW THREE SIZES?
Turned out, I just suddenly, inexplicably decided that the petite, slightly pasty, balding Simon Pegg was actually really hot.
I think it was all the leaping that did it. I mean, he leapt over things like mad in that film. He was leaping over things left and right. It was like, leap! And then leap! And then leap some more!
(Plus, and maybe I’m the only woman that feels this way, but there is nothing sexier than a British man on a white horse and he’s got more guns than a reasonable person would be outfitted with.)
(Also, and I didn’t know this until now, but he’s the inspiration for Garth Ennis’s “Wee Hughie” in “The Boys”? Kismet!)
Plus, the scenes between Simon and Nick Frost (who is also mysteriously hot, like, what the hell is up with me? Am I ovulating or something?) were really sweet, and I kept thinking they were going to kiss or something.
(Hot Fuzz is a love story, right?)
So let me leave you now with some pictures of Simon Pegg so that you, too, can see, boy is hot.
Q: So, the new Avatar movie, huh?
A: It’s like Titanic with blue, dog-faced things.
Anyway, Ripley is a badass to end all badasses, and Laurie Strode was the only one in Halloween who didn’t get killed by Michael Myers, making this two posts where I have mentioned Michael Myers, more than I ever imagined possible, so let’s see who comes out on top, shall we?
On to the battle!
Physicality. Well, since Halloween was released in 1978 and Alien in 1979, both Ripley and Laurie have some pretty nasty hair going on, all limp and nearly mullet-like. But we’ll just ignore that, because Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis are hot! They’ve both got great athletic figures and they’re really pretty, but I think Ms. Curtis has a little bit more going on up top, so we’ll give this category to her. Winner? Laurie Strode.
Faced a vicious killer and won? Technically, both these ladies are victorious in this category, but only one of them faced a killer alien thing that hatched out of people’s middle bits and ate them and spewed acidic blood. You probably guessed from the word “alien” in that previous sentence that the evil creature I just described was not Michael Myers, but was, indeed, the alien from Alien. Eh, it’s still a draw. Winner? A tie!
Had cool friends/coworkers murdered horribly before her very eyes? Once again, both these ladies suffered immense horrors at the hands of a murderous creature, and one of these horrors was the slaughter of their friends or coworkers. But only Ripley got to hang out with the likes of Tom Skerritt! Harry Dean Stanton! Veronica Cartwright! Ian Holm (the second best Ian working in Hollywood! … I mean Ian McKellan, not Somerholder, by the by)! Yaphet Kotto! My gods, it’s like a list of my favorite people ever to guest-star on the X-Files and star on Homicide and whatever the hell Tom Skerritt did. Winner? Ripley.
Was proactive in her battle against said horrific murderous creature who might or might not have acidic blood? Laurie stabs Michael Myers in the neck with a knitting needle, stabs him in the eye with a wire hanger and stabs him with a knife. Ripley blows up a spaceship with the alien in it (but not really) and then shoots the thing into the cold vacuum of space. Gosh, those are both awesome things, but, Laurie sure did a lot of stabbing. Stabby! Winner? Laurie Strode.
Starred in sequels of varying quality? Yes, absolutely. Winner? Another tie.
Was awesome enough in Alien 4 to make up for the presence of that godawful Winona Ryder? Wait a second, isn’t this question awfully biased? Yes! Yes, it is! But I love Ripley in Alien 4 soooooo much! She’s such a badass! Oh my gods, you guys, never before was there a badass as badass as Ripley was! Sooooo badass! I *heart* you, Ripley from Alien 4! Winner? Obviously, it’s Ripley.
Hey, now it’s a tie! By gum, George, you’re right!
The final, tie-off, earth-shattering question! Actually really defeated the horrific evil she battled, at least once or twice? Well, here’s where poor Laurie Strode comes up against a terrible dilemna. Michael Myers is, apparently, indestructible. (Because John Carpenter said so, that’s why.) No matter how many sharp things she stabs the guy with, he just won’t die. No matter how many times he gets shot or how many car accidents he gets into, he lives on. On the other hand, Ripley actually did kill a lot of aliens, including the one incubating in her own body. It’s not her fault they breed like giant alien acid-blooded bunnies! Winner? Ripley!
Overall winner? Ripley, by a badass, alien-murdering nose.