Q. Have you heard about Tilikum, the killer whale who brutally murdered his trainer earlier this week (after being fingered in two previous trainer deaths)?
A. I’ve told you people and told you people, sealife are our enemies.
I want to marry into the Doom family.
Of course, then I would have to get my doctorate.
Here they are, in poem form (it’s a bad poem, by the way. The meter is off, the rhyme scheme is weak, but you know what? Cop Out is worse. This poem is a mercy.):
Cop Out, Schmop Out — a bad movie, sure.
The antics of 30 Rock can’t inure
you to the hell on earth that Tracy Morgan provides
as you’re dragged along on his lameass cop ride.
Bruce Willis is slumming and doesn’t seem to care,
and I can’t quite remember when he last had hair.
It’s supposed to be fun, make you laugh till you cry,
but really, you wish everyone involved would just die.
The jokes are too lame
the banter’s too tame
it’s like the stars just gave up on fame.
(Why does Seann William Scott have two n’s in his name?)
There is nothing good to be said for this show
I’m telling you now, for Bruce Campbell’s sake, don’t go!
You’ll want a refund indeed
and hazard pay you will need:
Cop Out is a crappy movie.
In honor of Heroes’ Claire bellyflopping even further into BORING at the season finale, I introduce this fictional character battle.
It’s got Wolverine in it, so I expect this site to rocket to popularity, because Wolverine makes things do that.
Sure, one’s a grizzled Canadian with a leather suit and adamantium claws and one’s a cheerleader who’s dabbled in lesbianism, but they do have one thing in common. Angst. Oh, wait, two things: Angst and the ability to heal from any sort of injury, up to and including ones that cause immediate and utter death.
Let’s get down to it, then.
Physicality. Cheerleader Claire is a cute and perky blonde cheerleader. Some people are into that sort of thing. Wolverine has crazy hair and is short. Except in the movies, where he is portrayed by Hugh Jackman, which means Wolverine wins. Winner? The Hugh Jackman version of Wolverine.
Makes things popular by their very presence? You wanna sell a Marvel comic book? Slap Wolverine on the cover. All he has to do is play a game of pool with Doop and boom! You’re set. Cheerleader Claire, on the other hand, had to resort to experimenting with lesbianism to get people to watch her crappy, crappy show. Winner? Wolverine.
Is a badass killer type? As far as I know, Cheerleader Claire hasn’t killed anybody. I don’t know because I only watched the first five or six episodes of Heroes, and skipped most of the Peter bits, because he is a damn wiener. So maybe Cheerleader Claire was murdering all sorts of people in those bits or since then, but I’m pretty sure not. Wolverine, on the other hand, is an assassin trying to make good. Usually by killing people, which kind of defeats the purpose. But they’re bad people! But purpose defeated. Anyway, winner? Wolverine.
Looks good in a cheerleader uniform? Let’s just assume this category is a gimme for Cheerleader Claire, because a Google search of “Wolverine cheerleader” only found me a picture of a stupid mascot that might or might not be an actual wolverine. In any case, it doesn’t look particularly good in its uniform. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.
Survived their own death? Yes, as a matter of fact. Clair had a thing sticking in her brain. Lead pipe, piece of dead tree, I don’t know. As soon as that came out, she closed up her open chest (autopsy, you know), and took off. Wolverine gets killed, like, every other issue of X-Men, and he’s just fine by the next. Winner? It’s a tie.
Hangs out with cooler people? As mopey as the damned X-Men are, they are nowhere near as mopey as the heroes in Heroes. Seriously, why do all these super-powered people have to be so angst-y??? Wah! I have an awesome superpower! Why is life so hard? Stop whining, you whiny little bitch superheroes. Winner? Wolverine, but only because that damn wiener Peter Petrelli is the whiniest wiener that ever whined. Or wienered. I hate you so much, Peter.
Has daddy issues? Hey! You know who has daddy issues? Cheerleader Claire does! Cheerleader Claire has daddy issues all over the place. She has them left and she has them right. So many daddy issues! Wolverine doesn’t even have one daddy, let alone two of them, like Claire does. Poor Wolverine. He must be so lonely. Winner? Cheerleader Claire.
Uses their healing power for good? Wolverine is trying to redeem himself for the whole super-assassin thing, so he hangs out with the goodiest goody superheroes known to Marvel comics. He does good deeds all over the place, like fighting Magneto, a guy who controls magnetism, with his adamantium (read as: metal) claws. Wolverine is not all that bright. Claire? Claire gets rescued a lot and recently belly-flopped from the top of a ferris wheel or something, I don’t know. I guess it’s good to reveal your superpowers to the world? Because they won’t want to dissect you or anything? Winner? It’s Wolverine. Claire’s pretty useless.
And, just because I hate Heroes SO MUCH, the final category is: Has adamantium claws? Wolverine has adamantium claws! He uses them for snikt! Cheerleader Claire has no claws, adamantium or otherwise, and thus does not snikt. Winner? Wolverine!
Overall winner? You bet your sweet caboose it’s Wolverine. What kind of geek would I be if Cheerleader Claire had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this battle? A poor geek. A very, very poor geek indeed.
There are three basic rules to owning your Mogwai, in addition to the usual, like, clean up after them, don’t throw them at cars even if they are slightly football shaped.
(I’m so sorry, Sniffers! It seemed like a good idea at the time!)
1) Don’t expose them to bright light, especially sunlight, which can kill your Mogwai.
2) Don’t let water touch your Mogwai (or they’ll suddenly and convulsively produce offspring).
OK, those are both a little weird. Like, what kind of pet gets killed by sunlight, right? And what kind of mammal (I assume?) produces offspring after it gets wet? But still, OK. Rules. Can follow. Got it.
But then there’s rule number three.
3) Never, EVER feed your Mogwai after midnight.
OK, what the hell? Never feed your pet after midnight? You do know there’s time zones and stuff, right? Is that Eastern Time? Mountain? When does it stop being after midnight? I mean, technically, at 11 a.m., it’s still after midnight. (And before noon!) Don’t you think a specific window of time would be better, like: Don’t feed your Mogwai between the hours of midnight and 3 a.m.?
And what if you were in, like Washington, but then crossed into Idaho? Would it still be after midnight, or is your pet still on Pacific Time? What if you stood directly on the time zone line? Is that a safe zone?
A preferable alternative would be: Don’t feed your Mogwai after darkness has fallen. Then you wouldn’t have the time zones issue or the inevitable backlash when the evil ones mess with your alarm clock.
I mean, with a wanky rule like that, it’s like they want your pet to turn into a gremlin. A little specificity here, people, that’s all I need!
I want to make an enigmatic dying declaration that leaves everyone feeling a little awkward.
“It was her! HER! She did it!”
“Of course, the implications of the thing were far too terrible. It had to be destroyed.”
“The money? All of it? I buried it in the …*” “Lokifire? You’re not dead yet.” “I know. I was really planning to die before I ended that sentence.”
Theme weeks are a little bit limiting, so rest assured that next week, I will go back to pop culture stuff, and possibly the Olympics (Olympics!) if I come up with a good idea, but for now, here’s a list of 10 snowboard trick names that what the hell were they thinking?
1. Double McTwist 1260. Shaun White didn’t even need to do this trick to win his gold medal, but he did, because he knew we wanted to see it. It doesn’t have an official name yet, but right now, everybody is calling it the Double McTwist, which makes it sound like some sort of extra-large McDonald’s milkshake thing.
2. Backside rodeo. Err, this sounds like some sort of sex thing.
3. Chicken salad air. This site describes it thusly: “The rear hand reaches behind the front leg, grabs the heel side between the bindings while the front leg is boned. Also, the wrist is rotated inwards to complete the grab.” That’s all fine and dandy, but what the hell chicken salad?
4. Gay twist. This actually sounds like a move Johnny Weir might whip out on the ice-skating floor. In fact, maybe he should sue them.
5. Roast beef. I’m starting to think snowboarders are a voraciously hungry lot.
6. Stiffy air. “Any maneuver in which both legs are boned and a grab is incorporated.” I should say so! Hey-yo!
7. Tail poke. Come on, you guys! Why are you trying to sound even gayer than football, with the “tight ends” and all? Is it all food and homoeroticism for snowboarders? Is it? IS IT?
8. Hammer. The name’s not that funny, but the description — “to ride as hard as possible” — is certainly supporting my earlier theory.
9. Iguana air. In which the rear hand grabs the toe edge near the tail. Exactly like an iguana would do.
10. Nose butter. Is apparently “when you do a nose manual and your feet are facing forwards.” Not the punchline of a bad joke, like, “she’s a butternose. Everything’s hot but … oh, wait, I mean nose butter.” Also, not a synonym for snot. (?)
So I finally got around to watching a trailer for Scorsese’s Shutter Island. And I’m not quite sure what happens in it, except that Leonardo DiCaprio embarrasses himself with the crappiest accent this side of Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. (Except that I love Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins, so to hell with his shite accent!)
DiCaprio shows up at the island and is met by Ben Kingsley, who is playing an evil doctor. You can tell he’s evil because they got Ben Kingsley. Why bother to get Ben Kingsley if the doctor is going to be good or even average? You wouldn’t bother, because he is Sir Ben Kingsley, and this doctor is going to be evil as hell. As hell, sir.
Then there’s the crazy people like crazy shushie lady and crazy guy in a cage and crazy Leonardo DiCaprio and his crazy accent. (Yeah, I think he goes crazy at some point, kind of like whoever (whomever?) put together this trailer.)
Also, it’s not clear, but I think this movie is set, like, in the ’50s, because the nurses are all wearing those white dress uniforms, which nurses just don’t do nowadays because of the bleeding and vomiting that their patients do. God bless the modern nurse.
I’ll bet you’re wondering what all this has to do with the Olympics. Well, Frak-all, actually, but this movie just looked so horrible I couldn’t not warn you.
It’s like Scorsese was all focusing on camera angles and atmosphere and forgot to make sure his actors could use accents they don’t even need for some reason. Also the thing that makes things make sense. Plot. Yeah, that.
But maybe they totally are, I don’t know.
1. Apolo Anton Ohno.
Why he could be an android: Because is it really humanly possible to compete in short track speed skating at that many Olympics and not lose a finger here or there?
Why he’s actually not an android: Androids probably wouldn’t go Hollywood as quickly as Ohno did, unless they were designed to do that.
2. Johnny Weir.
Why he could be an android: Because only an android could make that many people care about figure skating.
Why he’s actually not an android: Because C3PO is the only flamboyantly gay robot in existence.
3. Shaun White.
Why he could be an android: Because androids are awesome and snowboarding is also awesome? Seriously, the Flying Tomato (*snicker*) totally should have had his head taken off in an accident a few weeks back. Why didn’t he? Because he’s an android.
Why he’s actually not an android: Because no self-respecting android would let anyone nickname it the Flying Tomato (*snicker*), I don’t care how red its synthetic hair is.
4. Evan Lysacek.
Why he could be an android: Like Father Tres before him, this guy has mastered the art of the piercing stare that makes you wee your little girly pants right before he shoots you/figure skates.
Why he’s actually not an android: He probably just mastered that piercing stare because so many people were like, “Oh, figure skating, yeah, that’s gay.” Piercing stare. “Well, maybe it’s not that –” Piercing stare. “Christ, man, I’m sorry! Stop looking at me! I’m so sorry!”
5. Lindsey Vonn.
Why she could be an android: Because, really, can the human body actually travel at those speeds without falling into little bloody pieces all over the course?
Why she’s actually not an android: As painful as a bruised shin can be (speaking from horrible car wreck experience), it wouldn’t stop an android. Of course, it hasn’t stopped Ms. Vonn here, either, so maybe she totally is an android. Awesome.
6. J.R. Celski.
Why he could be an android: Speaking of surviving painful injuries, this guy totally slashed his leg open with his own figure skate after a short-track speed skating pileup. He “recovered” (read as: ”was repaired”) in time to win bronze at the Olympics.
Why he’s actually not an android: Well, I’ve watched the footage of that accident, and that was totally blood. A lot of blood. Holy cow blood! Damn you, NBC! Seriously, he’s just a really awesome human with a supra-nasty thigh scar.
7. Lindsay Jacobellis.
Why she could be an android: In addition to being an awesome athlete, this snowboarder has gorgeous hair. Snowboarders don’t have gorgeous hair. I mean, have you seen the Flying Tomato (*snicker*)?
Why she’s actually not an android: Because then we wouldn’t keep hearing the story about how she took the silver at the 2006 Olympics by making a very non-android move. (Showboating.)
8. Dale Begg-Smith.
Why he could be an android: I don’t know. He’s called the “International Man of Mystery” or something equally dramatic. It’s because he doesn’t like to talk to the press … probably because he’s an android.
Why he’s actually not an android: Or he doesn’t want to talk to the press because they are going to ask him about his business, which is spamming. And, thanks to Asmiov’s laws of robotics, we know that robots can’t harm humans in a manner that cruel. He’s totally human.
9. Rachael Flatt.
Why she could be an android: Jeez, she’s a 17-year-old high school student who’s on the honor roll, in the Olympics as the top qualifying U.S. female ice skater and wants to attend an Ivy League college to study biomechanical engineering or medicine. Oh, and she seems really, really nice. No human can do all that.
Why she’s actually not an android: If she was really an android, she would probably use all that android energy to commit acts of some sort of evil. (Yes, I’m ignoring Asmiov’s Laws here, even though I cited them earlier. I’m capricious like that!)
10. Anyone in curling.
Why they could be androids: Because, really, you would have to be programmed to want to compete in/watch this “sport.”
Why they’re actually not androids: No. They totally are.
This was going to be a Top Ten list, but then I could only think of four figure skaters who are kind of scary and one who is totally scary, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of this post, which was to prove that figure skaters are much more badass than they would seem.
Also, it’s Olympics Week here at Hollywood Hates Me, because, although I hate theme weeks, I love the Olympics. *Sniff* God bless America! Go Red, White and Blue! *Sniff* Let’s get gold!!
So, anyway, here’s a list of figure skaters who you would not want to come across in a dark alley or even a well-lit one, because who cares if you can identify them once you’re dead. (They killed you.)
1. Tonya “I’ll hire someone to kill you” Harding. Yup, let’s just get this crazy skater out of the way first. Harding is best known for her feud with Olympic silver and bronze medalist Nancy Kerrigan. And by “feud,” I mean the way she hired some guy to take a lead pipe to the poor girl’s knee in the hopes of crippling her only American competition for the gold. Of course, Harding forgot about the rest of her competition. Managing to convince authorities not to check too closely into the incident until after the 1994 Olympics, Harding went on to take … eighth. Losing, incidentally (in addition to six other skaters), to Kerrigan, who took the silver that year. Harding went on to become a boxer (briefly) and official crazy chica who is the most likely figure skater to cut you like a bitch, or hire someone to do it for her.
2. Elvis “I know karate” Stojko. Unlike Harding, this Canadian figure skater sits firmly in the “not-crazy” camp, which is a camp where they leave your hands and legs free rather than binding them. And that is when Stojko will strike. A black belt in karate, Stojko often incorporates martial arts moves into his figure skating. Or did, in the 1990s, when he was at his peak. I don’t know what he does now. Probably, like, has a karate/ice skating training camp, where he teaches young children the art of kicking your ass. On ice.
3. Sasha “Evil Eye” Cohen. Unlike the two skaters who made this list before her, there is nothing concrete leading me to believe that Sasha Cohen secretly wants you dead. There’s just something about her. Sure, she seems all sweet and innocent, a nice little figure skater, but there’s something lurking beneath the surface. Something … ass-kicking.
4. Scott “I’ll back-flip over your corpse in ice skates, bitches” Hamilton. Scott Hamilton seems like a nice guy, doesn’t he? A cancer survivor. Always has something nice to say about today’s figure skaters. Bald as a cute little button! But what you forget, and this is your deadly error, is that the man can do a back-flip on ice skates. That takes some serious balls. I mean, holy cow balls! Most people I know wouldn’t try a back-flip on a trampoline with all the sproinginess to assist them, let alone a plain old back-flip. And if you put them in a pair of figure skates and tell them to do a back-flip, they are going to start crying. Crying like a little kid who’s been put into a pair of figure skates and told to do a back-flip.
5. Surya “I’ll quadruple jump your ass to hell” Bonaly. French skater Bonaly is best known for her jumping ability. At the pinnacle of her figure skating career, she performed leaps that left the best of the male competitors quivering in the corner in pants-wetting terror. Unfortunately, the girl must be tone-deaf as hell, because she never really skated with the music, thus losing out on the all-important “artistic presentation” scores. A world gold was never hers, nor even an Olympic medal, and she sure as hell seemed like she was going to murder someone for that oversight. Probably by doing a quadruple salchow into their face.