“Dear John,” please go to hell and die there.

February 3, 2010 at 11:49 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Gods, the things I do for this blog.

Just watched a trailer for the new Nicholas Sparks novel that got adapted into a film for some reason, Dear John. I suggest you don’t click the link unless you want your soul to projectile vomit.

Yeah, it looks like a building puking books when your soul does that.

I’m having trouble talking about this film. Tanning Chatum’s chest appears to star in it, which is fine.

I mean, what else is his chest going to do?

Amanda Sefried is still slumming, which is less than fine because, really, she could do so much better. So much better.

Like, she could star as an evil spy on Chuck or something.

Apparently there’s a Snow Patrol song in the trailer, and they could also do better, but I guess you’ve got to take your money where you can get it or something.

Here's a picture of Snow Patrol!

Other impressions:

“Dear John,” “Dear John,” “Dear John,” “Dear John,” “Dear John.” Hey, I wonder what the name of this movie is?!

Tanning Chatum’s chest leaping into the ocean to save a purse. Really? It didn’t even look like a brand-name purse.

Someone just pointed out to me that Tanning Chatum is actually a guy named Channing Tatum, which, also really? Huh. At least I was closer than when I was trying to call him Tatum Canning, I guess. I’m just going to call him Mr. Chesty from now on. That’s easier.

Apparently, Mr. Chesty has a big, bad scary past. Ooooooh.

“I know your dad loves you, even if you don’t.” STOP SLUMMING!

Can someone please take anything that could be used for writing away from Nicholas Sparks so I never have to endure this horror again? PLEASE? There’s a new Nicholas Sparks movie, like, once every two months, and enough is enough. Please make it stop.

You look like a nice guy and all, but who could know you're capable of such horror?

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15 Comments

  1. greg said,

    Hey, did you know that Channing Tatum carries around pictures of his burnt penis on his iPhone? He does!

    http://www.avclub.com/articles/that-guy-from-step-up-2-the-streets-now-to-be-know,37013/

    • lokifire said,

      Why would he do that? Frakkin’ celebrities.

      • greg said,

        I guess when the most interesting thing about you is your name, you’re going to need an icebreaker.

        “Hey baby, you’re so hot, you’ve burned my penis. Here, see what I mean? Mmm, yeah, baby. You sure do burn my penis.”

  2. Travis said,

    There is a joke in the most recent issue of Entertainment Weekly tha goes something like: “Veronica Mars is investigating the death of Kristen Bell’s movie career.” :D

    Also… in worser news:

    http://www.slashfilm.com/2010/02/03/watchmen-2-looks-like-a-real-possibility/

    Yeah, I know “worser” is not a word – but it seems to fit the above article.

    • lokifire said,

      Frak. I told you guys Hollywood hated me.

  3. Jamin said,

    w
    t
    f
    .
    .
    .

    in other news, Amanda Seyfried is so hot, i am almost tempted to watch “Dear John”. however, no one is hot enough to make me watch that movie she co-starred with Megan *vomit* Fox.

    • lokifire said,

      Yeah, Amanda Seyfried should really have a much more awesome career than she does. She’s a great actor, she’s beautiful … stupid Hollywood.

  4. f1f1 said,

    FYI…Channingz gawwjuzz yeah…n yeh itz abit ova shit endin!!
    buh…OH WELL…..no big thing!!
    go grab a lyf if ya dnt like chaniing or d director y wtch d moviezz n den hav d tym ta cment ya bloomin 4ktrd!!!
    huhxx
    xx..peace owt F1F1…xx

    • lokifire said,

      I’m sorry about your learning disability.

  5. Kailyn said,

    I thought it was a good movie. Its a chick flick anyways. No guys would really like this film because the targeted audience is pretty much females I believe. It was goes on in every day life. Hello? Arent there thousands of soldiers overseas doing and thinking the same thing? I dated a soldier, yeah it was def hard, probably why I like this film. It sounds like you are just jealous of Channing’s chest or something. Am I wrong? But yet, everyone is entitled to their own opinion!

  6. Kailyn said,

    And if you don’t like Sparks films, then WHY THE HELL DO YOU WATCH THEM?

    • lokifire said,

      Perhaps you didn’t notice that this post is filed under “The Movie I’m Not Seeing This Weekend.” I didn’t see it, and I would never do so. Nor any Sparks film. It’s the trailers that annoy me.
      Also, as a heterosexual female, I have nothing but admiration for Channing Tatum’s chest, even if I can’t remember what his damn name is.

  7. lyz cyril said,

    i just loved the book by nicolas sparks…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………but the movie was yuckkkkkkk

  8. Susane said,

    This gorgeous man has more class & talent in his big toe than any of you ignonant jealous individuals have in your entire bodies! It’s sick comments that you have left here that mkes it a pretty scary world to raise a daughter in….just knowing there are sickos like yourselfs is reason enough to believe why my daughter is home every night & weekend! Maybe more parents should read comments like this to know people are not safe! As for Nicholas Sparks he has more brains and money than you’ll hever have:)

    • lokifire said,

      Oh, Susane, just teach your kid some basic karate and let her go out on the weekends.
      I’m sure she’d love seeing the all the new Nicholas Sparks films.

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