Can anyone remember whether Dr. Watson’s first name was John or James? I mean, even Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had trouble with it (Watson’s wife calls him “James” in “The Man with the Twisted Lip,” although some Holmesians believe that is a reference to his middle name, H. “Hamish,” Scottish for James.). Anyway, we’ll just call him Watson and be done with it.
Today, Watson will be facing off against another eternal sidekick: Chuck’s Morgan Grimes! Either of these fellows could have faced Batman’s Robin, but I hate Robin, so it would have been a very one-sided fight. Not that I’m against those, but whatever.
On to the battle of the friends of supra-geniuses/genii!
Physicality. Joshua Gomez is a cute guy, for sure, except for when he goes with just a chin-beard instead of a full-on beard, because commitment! is what we require in facial hair, gentlemen. Don’t half-ass it.
On the other hand, Watson was apparently quite the ladies’ man and very good-looking, and was recently portrayed by Jude Law in a movie, which means there’s just no contest here. I’m sorry, Joshua Gomez. You are totally cute, and less in a puppy-dog way and more in “that guy in the apartment down the street who needs some lovin’” sort of way. But Jude Law is, like, wow. Winner? Watson.
Better best friend? Watson is best friends with Sherlock Holmes. Morgan is best friends with Chuck. Sherlock Holmes is a pugilist of champion levels; Chuck’s got a computer in his brain that makes him know kung-fu. Holmes is a genius detective; Chuck’s pretty smart and he’s got a computer in his brain. Sherlock Holmes is really tall; also, Zachary Levi is really tall. Don’t make me choose between Sherlock Holmes and Chuck Bartowski. You wouldn’t like the results. Winner? A tie.
Fine, who is a better best friend to his best friend? Morgan recently helped Chuck try to win back Sarah Walker, the prettiest, most awesome spy ever. He always has Chuck’s back, and even more so now that he’s been let in on the secret that Chuck is a spy. Really, you couldn’t ask for a better best friend than that. Or could you? … No, not really. You’d be one selfish bastard to do that. Watson is there for Holmes, even in the dead of the night, and oftentimes does something just because the genius detective is like, “Hey, Watson, do this thing I just said,” and then Watson does it, and then he’s like, “By the way, what was the reason for having me do that thing you just said?” and Holmes is like, “Don’t ask me to explain it, non-genius.” Winner? A tie in loyalty.
Better self-defense system? You know, back when Morgan was dating Anna Wu (I love you, Anna Wu!), this big football player picked on him and Anna whupped him with a pair of camera tripods and her own petite self. This season, with budget cuts, Anna stayed in Hawaii and Morgan moved back to California. Morgan is so screwed. Winner? Watson “good with a pistol” “Crap, I forgot Watson’s his last name” Watson.
Better day job? Morgan works at the Buy More. He used to be in sales, but now he’s the assistant manager. However, Dr. Watson is a doctor. My mom always wanted me to marry a doctor. Winner? The guy my mom likes.
Better-looking best friend? Oh, there’s no contest here. I refuse to stand by and watch Guy Ritchie cast lookers like Robert Downey Jr. as a man who was described by his creator as “ugly.” Thus, all attractive incarnations of Sherlock Holmes don’t exist. But Zachary Levi exists. And he’s gorgeous. Winner? Morgan!
Has cool friends outside of his best bud? I’m not sure Watson has a life outside of Holmes, let alone other friends. He’s mentioned them in passing, but that could be dramatic license. Morgan, on the other hand, whiles away his days with folks like Anna Wu, Big Mike, Captain Awesome and Ellie, John Casey and Jeffster! (who don’t really contribute so much to cool, but are fun to watch nonetheless). Winner? Morgan.
Funnier? Between the two of them, Holmes is more likely to crack a joke than Watson. Then he has to explain it to the poor, humorless man. Morgan, on the other hand, is hilarious, especially when he’s getting pushed in the face by John Casey. (I love you, John Casey!) Winner? Morgan.
Hey, now it’s a tie! That it is, folks, that it is.
To break said tie, we shall have a final, tie-off(ing) question. And it is thus (this): Better Halloween costume? Wow, this seems really biased. Clearly, I wanted Morgan to win this battle, because he is one part of a two-man Dune Sandworm costume, and I’m not sure they had Halloween when Watson was alive. You know, fictionally alive. Winner? Morgan.
Overall winner? Thanks to a very biased tie-breaker, our winner is Chuck Bartowski’s cute little buddy whom I just want to hug: Morgan Grimes.