Some characters are dead when their television series begin. Especially when it is their horrible, brutal murders that propel the plot along. Two such characters are Veronica Mars’s Lilly Kane and Twin Peaks’ Laura Palmer.
So they have that in common, at least.
But which of them was the better murder victim?
Or is that just cruel to ask?
Anyway, on to the battle of dead chicks!
Physicality. Lilly Kane is played by Amanda Seyfried, whom I believe we can all agree is one smoking hot lady. She’s got the looks, she’s got the figure, and if someone would make me a wig of her hair, I would be the happiest girl in the world. Laura Palmer is played by Sheryl Lee, who is nearly 20 years older than Amanda Seyfried, who has the power of youth on her side. But Sheryl Lee still looks pretty damn good, and also, Twin Peaks is, like, two decades old, so she was young then. And gorgeous. Winner? It’s a tie. I can’t choose between these two ladies, and I don’t think anyone should have to.
Whose death was discovered in a more dramatic manner? Lilly Kane’s body was discovered beside her family’s back yard swimming pool, her head having been brutally beaten with a nearby ashtray or some damn thing. On the other hand, Laura Palmer washed up onshore, her body’s discovery leading to one of the greatest lines in television ever: “She’s dead. Wrapped in plastic!” Winner? Laura Palmer’s wrapped in plastic-ness certainly was more mysterious and gave early viewers their first impression of what we were to expect, so she wins. How lucky for her!
Worked the whole good girl/bad girl routine? Lilly Kane was the most popular girl in school, was dating a movie star’s son and was on the cheerleading squad. She was also having an affair with her boyfriend’s dad, and the local gang leader, and had mommy issues. Laura Palmer was the homecoming queen who delivered Meals on Wheels and dated the high school quarterback. She was also a cocaine addict who sexed it up with whoever, including the embodiment of evil who eventually killed her, and local bad boy James “the worst character in Twin Peaks” Hurley. Also, she worked at a strip club. Winner? Neither of them were angels, but Laura Palmer really, really, really had everybody fooled. So she wins.
Better best friend? And not like in a more loyal sort of way, although Donna (Laura’s pal) would lose here, for totally dating her boyfriend once she was dead in a very unloyal display of thinking with her loins. More like in a who’s best friend is more of a badass? Now, we all know that Lilly Kane’s bestest bud, Veronica Mars, was a bit of a wallflower when Lilly was alive, but once that girl was killed, she came into her own, with the whole snarky girl detective working the cute blonde haircut thing. Also, she totally solved Lilly’s murder. Laura’s best friend Donna Hayward attempted to help solve Laura’s murder, but mostly she stole her dead buddy’s stupid biker boyfriend and was played by the excessively thin Lara Flynn Boyle. Winner? Lilly Kane.
Creepiest murderer? Ahem, spoiler alert, as I am about to reveal who both these girls were killed by. Lilly Kane was murdered by her lover, aka movie star and father of her boyfriend, Aaron Echolls, upon discovering she stole some secret sex tapes he had made of the two of them and was either going to blackmail him with them or just sell them to the tabloids. Which he totally deserved, because who makes secret sex tapes of their illicit relationship with a high school student? Laura Palmer was murdered by Bob, the embodiment of evil/her lover, who, it turned out, was at the time possessing her father. Ew. Ew. Ew ew ew ew ew. Winner? Laura Palmer, for which we should pity her profoundly.
Inspired a kick-ass song? As far as I can tell (via a very cursory google search), nobody’s actually written a song about Lilly Kane. There’s this, though. But Laura Palmer inspired You Say Party! We Say Die! to write Laura Palmer’s Prom, which is awesome. Winner? Laura Palmer.
Was on a better show? Oh, man, this is hard. I love Veronica Mars. Wait, let me rephrase that. I love the first season of Veronica Mars. It was quick-paced, well-written and fun to watch, which is everything television should be. I love Twin Peaks. Once again, let’s make that the first season. And Fire Walk With Me. I love Fire Walk With Me. What a great film! Twin Peaks was quirky and weird and creepy and everything you expect from the mind of David Lynch. Winner? It’s a tie, because these two shows are so completely and utterly different, it’s like choosing between Beethoven and The National. You just bloody well can’t.
Went on to have a career in the movies? As much as I hate rom-coms, Amanda Seyfried is certainly making a nice bit of green for herself starring in them. Sheryl Lee has mostly done television work. (And every time I see her in a show, I have to admit that I squee a little and go, “It’s Laura Palmer!”) Winner? Amanda Seyfried, which means Lilly Kane, I guess.
Overall winner? As the original, the first and the best murdered girl whose death sparked a television series, Laura Palmer deservedly takes this one. But I still love you, Lilly. Don’t worry.
On the other hand, I’ve never really had a thing for Chris Noth or that guy from Northern Exposure. You know, whatsisname. Despite the fact that they are both actually quite attractive men, I can’t care how much they beefed up their arms for Sex & the City 2: Now with more Sex! And less City!
Also, I’m pretty sure they didn’t bother to pump any weights, because why would you bother for Sex & the City 2?
(Seriously, why would you?)
Thus, I can say with great confidence that I will be seen neither in a theater playing Sex & the City 2 nor at one of the godawful pre-parties, because that’s like dressing up as stormtroopers for chicks. Chicks who wouldn’t dress up like stormtroopers, because I’m sure there are girls who do that. We can’t all wear Slave Leia costumes, you know?
Anyway, Sex & the City 2 looks like more of the same from the TV series, which I saw once because a friend made me because she didn’t realize at the time that we were very, very different people. She realized it after I made her watch a Buster Keaton film marathon, though. Boy, did she realize it. I wonder what she’s up to nowadays?
Right, Sex & the City 2. Why I’m not going.
BECAUSE I HATE MOVIES ABOUT WOMEN WHO WEAR SHOES THAT COST MORE THAN MY CAR, YOU HORRID BITCHES.
That’s right. Now I remember.
Q. Did you see the way John Casey clobbered that guy with a napkin dispenser in the season finale of Chuck?
A. Just bam! — right in the brains.
Due to the overwhelming success of a similarly-themed post (read as: vampire-loving teenagers hate me), I have decided to revisit the topic for those of you who aren’t certain whether you’re dating a human or some sort of movie monster. The Zombie Edition.
Are you dating a zombie? Here’s a list to help you find out.
1. He says he loves me for my brains.
Well, lots of guys say that. Sometimes it’s because they want in your pants, occasionally, it’s because they’re sincere.
But he says it like “Braaaaains.”
Does he have some sort of drawl?
A speech impediment?
He drools while he says it.
Is it hunger drool or is it speech impediment drool?
I … I don’t know.
Let’s move on then.
2. When he and his friends get together, they don’t really do anything except grunt.
You just described most teenage boys.
Grunt and claw at the back door.
You just described most teenage boys again.
They’re all grunting and moaning “Braaaains.”
OK, that is a little odd. But not necessarily damning.
3. Well, he’s always losing pieces of himself.
Like, actual pieces?
I have a finger here if you want to see it.
That’s all right.
He left it on my couch.
These things happen. Have you heard of a little-known disease known as Hansen’s disease?
You mean leprosy?
Hansen’s disease sounds classier.
Hasn’t it been pretty much eradicated in most civilized nations?
Yes. Yes, it has. And that could be why your boyfriend is embarrassed to tell you that he suffers from the affliction.
4. He bit me the other day.
Look, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but some people find that sort of behavior erotic.
He took some of my flesh when he did it.
Oh. Well, that’s just– Hmmmm.
5. Oh, and he bit my parents too. Mom first, and then my dad.
When was this?
A couple of days ago.
Have you noticed any change in them?
Eh, I haven’t really paid that much attention.
All right, then. Anything else?
6. He’s been listening to Thriller a lot.
Well, it’s no Smooth Criminal, but still a good song.
He knows all the moves in the dance sequence.
Don’t we all?
7. My dog won’t stop growling when he comes over.
My dog hates my boyfriends too.
So he bit her.
That is weird.
8. Say, I, uh, I think I noticed a change in my parents.
Well, they’re both just … shambling around the house and running into things.
They’re not closet drinkers, are they?
Well, you wouldn’t know, if they kept it in the closet, would you?
I guess not.
So they could just be drunk.
They could be.
Of course they could.
9. Except I think my mom is chewing on my neighbor’s arm.
It’s still attached to him.
The screaming is horrible.
I can’t even begin to imagine.
10. Oh, I forgot to mention: Unless you strike my boyfriend right in the brains, he doesn’t die.
What? How could you forget that?
It just slipped my mind.
I mean, seriously? The A-Number 1 way to tell if your boyfriend is a walking undead, and it slips your mind?
Besides, why would you be trying to hit your boyfriend with a killshot unless he was a zombie?
Because we’re rednecks?
Save the sarcasm for the non-bolded text, you.
Anyway, yes. It’s official. You are dating a zombie.
So, should I flee?
Flee? Oh, heavens no. You’ve been bitten, remember?
… Maybe that was before he became a zombie.
Well, never fear. I’ll be right down there with an antidote.
Yeah. It’s called a double-barreled shotgun.
Nothing. Just wait by the door. I’ll see you soon!
I want to be a race car driver when I grow up.
(You know, mentally.)
So this video with the kid from Back to the Future (3) gesturing madly to his crotch has totally made the rounds on the internets, but nothing like flogging a dead horse, I always say!
So here’s a top 10 list of why that kid is doing that probably.
1. Because he had to pee. This is generally accepted as the most likely reason a little boy would gesture to his private bits while being filmed in a movie. (It totally doesn’t explain the “come a little closer” gesture, though.)
2. Because he made a bet with Michael J. Fox. “Hey, let’s see who can steal this scene from Christopher Lloyd!”
3. Because he’s a dirty, dirty, dirty little boy. Take a look at his face. It’s clearly a “You know you want this” look.
4. He was gesturing to his personal balls-scratcher, who was on scene just off-camera, because rich kids have those. I assume he’s rich because he’s in a movie. Because you know they don’t cast kids for their talents in those things.
5. Because he is actually a time traveler, and this is some sort of secret code message to other time travelers. Yeah, my theories are only going to get weirder from here on out.
6. Because he wanted us to see the monster in his pants that does a crazy dance. Or am I thinking of that guy from the B-52s?
7. Because his mom was there, and he wanted her to explain the strange feelings he was getting from being this near to Christopher Lloyd. Don’t worry, kid. It happens to all of us. Christopher Lloyd is just that awesome.
8. Because he wanted viewing audiences to be certain he was a boy and not a little girl. “People, I am packing.“
9. Because there can’t be a Michael J. Fox movie that doesn’t have some sort of weird crotch-thing going on. You’ve seen the zipper bit at the end of Teen Wolf, right? Clearly, this was written into the kid’s contract.
10. Because he has Tourette’s. What got cut from the scene was the boy suddenly yelling “shit hellfire damnation bastards!”
Do you know why there is a fourth Shrek movie? Because I don’t know why there was a third. (Or a second, for that matter.)
Is it because Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy can’t get other work? If it is that, I think they should invest their earnings (wisely, and not like that one Baldwin or whoever), and live off the interest. Or fake their own deaths and live off the insurance.
Because Enough Is Enough. (That’s should be this one’s tagline. That or: Shrek till you’re sick of us!)
I get that people want to make easy money. I get it. I do. (Speaking of which, I have this great sales plan that you guys could get in on. Just wire me $20, and watch your money grow! This isn’t a pyramid scheme! It’s more of a straight-line scheme! Don’t ask; just send cash.) But a fourth Shrek movie? That’s going beyond a few quick bucks and into actively abusing your audience.
(Besides, there’s only one piece of media currently out there that’s not abusing fairy and folk tales, and that’s Bill Willingham’s Fables. OK, he’s abusing them, but in a good way.)
I mean, how many films can you make about an ogre who finds love? I mean, obviously four, but I mean how many good films? One? One-half?
It’s Time For This To End. (That could also be Shrek 4′s tagline. That or: Shrek! It rhymes with dreck!)
So lend me a hand, God, and visit your terrible wrath upon the franchises that shouldn’t be. (Yes, I’m including Transformers in this list.)
In Your name I pray.
They must, because, check this out!
Chuck has been renewed!!!
Heroes has been canceled!
Somebody finally took Law & Order out back and gave it a pity shot to the back of the head!
And! Jillian Michaels will spend the summer abusing people in their own homes!
It’s like NBC has looked into my soul.
Dear Kurt Wagner,
I think I love you.
Of all the X-Men, you annoy me the least. (When a good writer is doing the writing; otherwise, all bets are off.)
There’s just something kind of sexy about a blue-furred German with a prehensile tail who can teleport. Personally, I think it’s the whole “superpowers” thing, which, in my opinion, gives a lot of so-so guys an edge.
(Like your pal Cyclops? Like he could get chicks with his tortured loner bit if he couldn’t also vaporize you with his eyes.)
Plus, the teleportation. I mean, what’s not to love about a demon-esque guy who teleports, leaving behind a puff of sulphuric smoke? Actually, what’s not to love is that whole thing I just said. Really, Kurt, we’ll have to work on the puff of sulphuric smoke thing if we want this relationship to work. Have you considered public transportation?
But don’t worry. I’m hardly a complainer. I mean, you know, now that I have this blog as an outlet for my complaining and …
Fine. I will totally complain about the sulphur smell if you teleport into my kitchen while I’m making dinner, Kurt, and I’m not going to lie. (Anymore.) I mean, if you must teleport to my house, perhaps teleporting to the front step and ringing the doorbell like a non-mutant, non-teleporting, non-prehensile-tailed sort of person is the way to go. I promise my neighbors hardly ever shoot at anything resembling human. (Which you do, kind of, so you should be OK.)
Another thing I like about you is your sense of humor, which I found referred to repeatedly on your fan sites, but haven’t really seen evidence of myself. Perhaps I’m just reading the wrong titles, I don’t know. But I like a man with a sense of humor, because then he will laugh when I say hilarious things, which not everybody does. (It’s their fault, not mine.)
Oh, another thing we need to work on? Your codename. I mean, “Nightcrawler”? Really? You couldn’t pick something, I don’t know, more badass and less worm? Of course, if you insist on keeping the “Night” in your name, we could run into some trouble, because all the good “Nights” have been taken. Night Stalker. Nightwing. Dark (K)night.
Anyway, do some brainstorming on that, Kurt, and get back to me.
Q. Apparently, a lot of (really, really old? I assume?) people are having hissy fits because of the cancellation of NBC’s 20-year series, Law & Order.
A. I think S. Epatha Merkerson’s departure is a sign that this ship is positively sunk, people.