I wish I had an awesomer last name

May 13, 2010 at 6:29 pm (Things I Want)

I want to marry into the Dockter family.

Of course, then I would have to get my doctorate.

(Crap, have I made this joke already?)

I can't help that I love a bad joke made by putting Doctor before a last name! It's an illness!

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Robin Hood also looks like poo, by the way

May 12, 2010 at 11:10 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

Hey, Queen Latifah! I just gotta know: Why you starring in a movie with a guy who goes by “Common”?

I mean, lady, you are royalty. You are Queen Latifah.

You are also easy, breezy AND beautiful.

So why, in Just Wright, are you playing opposite “Common“? That’s just short for “commoner.” You know it. We know it. He knows it. (OK, it’s probably not, but since I only just heard of him for the first time about five minutes ago, we’re just going to assume that’s the case.)

Wait ... what was my point? Those chiseled cheekbones totally made me ... *sighhhhh*

You deserve a king! An emperor even!

(By the way, this is one of my favorite Onion headlines ever.)

Oh, wait, Queen Latifah? I got another question for you.

Why you let this reporter describe your arms as “hefty”? Shouldn’t someone be putting a hurtin’ on her right about now? (Or him? Jamie’s one of those names that could go either way.) Tell you what, Queen Latifah, I will find this Jamie person, man or woman, and I will put a hurtin’ on them. “Hefty arms.” What’s up with that shit, you know? I mean, who calls anybody’s arms “hefty” and gets away with it? Especially when the person whose arms they are describing as such is you, Queen Latifah.

Google "hefty" and see what comes up. It's not Queen Latifah's arms, I can tell you that.

Anyway, I won’t be seeing Just Wright, but I still love you, Queen Latifah.

I'm sorry. It's just that I hate romance and sports SO MUCH.

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In the end, the zombies will kill us all

May 11, 2010 at 6:50 pm (Top Ten) ()

I have a zombie apocalypse survival plan. You have a zombie apocalypse survival plan. Every rational, right-thinking (that’s actually pretty much the same thing as rational), slightly paranoid human being has a zombie apocalypse survival plan.

Because we know the zombie apocalypse is coming.

Of course, in the end it won’t do us any good. In the end, the zombies will kill us all. (Robert Kirkman be damned!)

Here’s the top 10 ways how.

1. Through sheer numbers. So you’re holed up in the local grocery store, right, which is pretty smart, because there’s food there, and magazines. There’s the toy aisle and, depending on what state you’re from, you’ve got all sorts of ammo and possibly fireworks. Awesome. You’ve blocked the doors with carts or perhaps refrigerators or possibly even the bodies of the fallen. You are in it for the long haul.

Except … there are more zombies than humans, you know? And they are just going to keep throwing themselves at the door/windows/walls/roof. While you’re thinking, how am I going to survive this?, they are thinking about your delicious tender bits. In the end, the zombies will come crashing through the door/windows/walls/roof, and eat the hell out of you and your friends. I’m sorry, but they will.

Actually, the way I envision it going down is the zombies make a zombie pyramid and just pile onto the roof until it eventually collapses under their weight.

2. Stealthily. But, Lokifire, zombies aren’t stealthy, you say. They’re shambling living corpses that sometimes moan “brains” and other times just moan! There’s nothing stealthy about that! And to you, I say: Stop talking to your computer.

Zombies aren’t known for their stealth, sure. But you know who is?

People who have been bitten by zombies.

In your little group of survivors, you’ve got that guy. The one who’s going to get bitten while you fight off the zombies and try to hide it. “You get bit, Tom?” “Uhhhh, no, Bob.” “That’s great news, Tom.” “BRAINS!”

Then you’re all frakked.

It makes it even harder to tell if he's already got a "zombie bite" tattoo. I didn't know people got those.

3. Early onset zombie attacks. At first, no matter how prepared you are, you’re going to think: this can’t be the zombie apocalypse. I have to go to work tomorrow. And that’s when the zombies will strike. When you’re still thinking everybody got a weird case of the flu and they’ll be better tomorrow or maybe the next day, and you haven’t even gotten out your cricket bat or barricaded the doors.

That’s when they’ll come.

And God help you then.

4. Using your compassion against you. OK, so nobody’s got compassion for zombies, which is what makes them Hollywood’s new Nazi. (Also, is anything awesomer than Nazi zombies? Except cyborg zombies? I think not. Well, maybe ninja zombies.) But you know who people have compassion for? Innocent l’il chilluns and attractive people.

God bless the makers of Dead Snow.

(I’m sorry, but when it comes to the zombie apocalypse, you know our DNA will only want the beautiful to survive.)

So here’s the scenario: The zombies have attacked. You flee. Or fight a bit, and then flee. Or fight a lot, and then flee. At any rate, you will, at some point, flee the zombie hoardes. At your side are the spunky (that word means what I think it means, right?) youngster and the hot piece of action that you’re planning to nail once the zombie threat has passed. Suddenly, one of them trips.

“Go on without me!” they cry, if they are the self-sacrificing sort. If they’re young enough, they just cry, because boo-boos hurt.

Like this, only less rodent-y. (Or more rodent-y, I suppose, depending on the class of person you hang out with.)

But no matter what they say, you know you’re going back for them. Unless you’re an evil sociopathic bastard, in which case, your chances of survival are better than most (the zombies will still get you, though, somehow). When you do, the shambling zombies will fall upon the both of you. Your sacrifice will be for naught.

5. Starvation. All right, so you’re holed up in your awesome bomb/zombie shelter, which is stockpiled with food, weapons, clothing and your BFF. Thank god you thought to put him down there before the zombies attacked. You sit down with him, prepared to do some apocalpytic gaming until the end of humanity.

Eventually, however … you run out of food. (Even after eating your best friend.)

Actually, it makes it easier if your best friend is ALREADY a zombie, because frak that guy, you know?

You know you need to leave the safety of your shelter to get supplies, but — hey, is that a zombie I hear? — you stay inside.

Eventually, you are going to starve to death or try to make a break for it, and I don’t care how many shotguns you have on you, in your weakened state, you are going down like a harmless widdle bunny rabbit.

6. Speaking of weakened states …

Remember that attractive person in your zombie survival team I mentioned earlier? Provided they’re not clumsy, the two of you have made it to (relative) safety. Perhaps an abandoned house, perhaps a tent in the woods. You’re alone. You gaze at each other. You gaze, gaze, gaze.

Then, thanks to all the adrenaline, you two begin going at it like horny widdle rabbits. It’s the best sex you’ve had ever, which is great news, because it’s also the last sex you’ll have ever, because the zombies heard you, and they’re coming, and get your clothes on and run dammit! Or run naked! Just RUN!

7. They will use your loneliness against you. So when the zombies attacked, you left your family behind. See you in hell, Granny! you cried, as the zombies mowed her down. You skeedaddled like you have never skeedaddled before. You took shelter. You hunkered down. You survived, dammit. You survived.

Eh, she'll be happier as a zombie anyway.

By the way, everyone you know and love is dead. Also, a lot of people you didn’t know and love. Hell, most everyone is zombies. Except you. You’re not a zombie. You’re just some guy playing solitaire for the one thousandth time, which sucks, because the computers went down with the zombie apocalypse and you can’t remember how many stacks of cards there are supposed to be.

In the end, it’s suicide by zombie for you. Well, or actual suicide, I guess, unless this is the kind of zombie apocalypse that turns dead people into zombies, whether they got bitten or not, which means you’re exceptionally screwed.

8. Friendly fire.

“Are you a zombie?”

“I’m not a –”

“‘Cause you look like a zombie.”

“I’m not. I just haven’t bathed since the zombie apo–”

“You sure you’re not a zombie?”

“I’m sure I’m not a –”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure.”

9. Your own hubris. Congratulations! You’ve survived the zombie apocalypse! You should celebrate! Perhaps by doing something noisy. Or awesome. Or noisy and awesome. You should climb Mount Rushmore and pretend you’re a booger in Washington’s nose. Oh my god, the things you can do now that it’s the end of the world!

Oh, shit, that’s right, you think, as you’ve skydived off the top of the Eiffel Tower into the waiting arms of the zombies below. The zombies.

Wheeeeeeeeee ... crap.

10. Patience. Look, all the zombies have to do is outwait you. You, in your human way, will age and die. Or trip over something and die. Or starve to death and … die. Or get cancer and die. Or an infected hangnail. It doesn’t matter. Unless you have managed to lay waste to every single zombie in the whole world, they will win.

They always win.

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Robocop vs. Iron Man

May 10, 2010 at 1:54 pm (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

Iron Man 2 opened this weekend! (I didn’t see it.) But in honor of it doing well at the box office (OK, I’m totally just assuming it did, because research is hard when you’re excessively lazy), I thought I would present a fictional! Character! Battle! featuring Iron Man himself.

Shall we see now what Robocop and Iron Man have in common?

Robocop! Robocop! Does whatever a robo ... crap.

I'm sure the glove does something cool, but I really can't remember what.

(Ehhh, it’s not that much, really, but this seemed like such a good idea at 3 a.m., so I’m going with it.)

On to the action! Or text. Actually, it’s text. Sorry.

Physicality. This category is getting to be the bane of my existence. Sure, I like to rate people based on their looks. Who doesn’t, you know? But it’s getting harder and harder to rate these fictional characters. Except when one is portrayed by Robert Downey Jr. in the movies, who is quite the looker. I can’t even remember the name of the actor who played Robocop, which I would have done were he hot, so clearly, this one is a gimme. Winner? Iron Man.

But if I have an excuse to put a photo of an attractive man on this blog, then, goddammit, I will do it.

Features metal prominently in his uniform? As the “iron” in Iron Man implies, there’s a lot of metal in the uniform. In fact, it’s not really a uniform so much as a magical (or technologically advanced, whichever) suit that can fly and shoot rockets and whatever. Like a miniature jet plane. On the other hand, Robocop, as his name implies, is part robot and part cop. And robots are totally made of metal, unlike their skin-coated android counterparts. However, Robocop still has those delicate human bits sticking out here and there, like elbows or something, I don’t know, so I think there’s less metal in his makeup than in Iron Man’s. Who is, thus, the winner.

Is more attractive to women? This seems like another gimme for Iron Man, as looks are a very important feature of attractiveness. But there’s other things women look for in their men too, like, does that uniform come off? Because robots aren’t very cuddly. Also, Tony Stark is a billionaire, which more than quintuples whatever else he has going for him. It, like, thousanduples it. Billionaires are hot. So I guess this category was a gimme for Iron Man. Winner? Iron Man.

Is featured in a love story to last through the ages? Both Iron Man and Robocop have been featured in their share of dirty, dirty, dirty fan fiction, because that’s what they get for being introduced to the public. However, only Robocop has enjoyed sexy fun times with one of the greatest detectives of our — or any — generation. The goddammned Batman. Also, this was supposed to be a love story. In any case, any story that makes me snort things out of my nose is a win to me. Winner? Robocop.

Is actually a zombie and a robot? Those two things are so cool. I mean, what’s cooler than zombies? Cyborg zombies, that’s what. Goddamn, that’s awesome. Winner? Robo “zombie” cop.

I love that in the world of Robocop, the best crime-fighting option is taking a dead cop and making him into a cyborg. I mean, that's what the good guys do! So. Awesome.

Is more effective at enforcing the peace? I’m pretty sure Robocop has killed more people than he’s saved. Like airbags! Which is great, if that’s what you’re going for, but I think most of us would prefer not to be shot in the face by a zombie robot cop. (Although if you have to be shot in the face by somebody, a zombie robot cop should be at the top of everyone’s list.) On the other hand, Iron Man even joined the Avengers, who are totally for truth, justice and the American Way. At least, I think they’re all American. (I could be mixing them up with the Defenders or something, I don’t know.) Whatever. Winner? Iron Man.

Wait ... I don't remember Wolverine being in the Avengers. I call foul! He's CANADIAN!

Has cooler villains? According to Wikipedia, Iron Man has “a large range of villains.” In fact, they go so far as to list them alphabetically. There’s no entry for “x” or “q,” though, which is kind of disappointing. Robocop, however, must face enemies like Red from That 70s Show and a robot that can’t manage stairs. Eh, let’s call this one a tie.

I mean, look at this thing! A strong breeze could take it out. On the other hand, it's not an affront to God, like Robocop is.

Because I really can’t think of anything else here, overall winner? Iron Man comes out on top!

(Also, everyone who read that truly horrifically awesome fanfic. We’re all winners!)

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A love letter to Isshin Kurosaki

May 6, 2010 at 3:23 pm (I Propose to Fictional Characters) (, , )

Dear Isshin Kurosaki (otherwise known as “Ichigo’s dad from Bleach”),

I have to admit, it wasn’t love at first sight.

But can you blame me? I mean, early on in the series, you were just comic relief. Sure, every once in a while you’d say something wise that made your son sit back and take a meaningful look at himself, but then you’d follow that up by blowing on a whistle shaped like a chicken.

(Really, Isshin, who has whistles shaped like chickens?)

A specific kind of pervert, that's who.

But then, boom!

My heart was struck by a love arrow.

Sure, it took 20-odd volumes, but you got me. Donning your shinigami uniform and cutting down an evil spirit with your blade, you got me.

You were just so badass, Isshin.

You were that guy who puts a bomb in a trailer and then walks away from the trailer and then, when the trailer blows up behind him, doesn’t look back. You were that guy who has a gun in each hand and shoots different people with each one of the guns, all while his hat is tilted rakishly on his head. You were that guy who foils a supervillain and then makes a pun, and not even a bad pun, a good pun! You were that guy who just slayed (slew?)… You were that guy who either slayed or slew an evil spirit with his awesome sword and then you were all like, “ah, shucks” about it.

Your hand casually in your kimono ... for some reason.

Wow.

“Holy shit, Ichigo’s father is a Soul Reaper!” I cried, because the English translation calls shinigami Soul Reapers which is actually a lot less badass than death god. “That’s so cool!” I cried, and then I did a little dance, which involved a lot of motion with my feet and a little fist-thumping, but hardly any hip action. (It just didn’t seem appropriate for the occasion, you know?)

And that’s when I knew: This is love.

Is this love that I'm feeling? Is this the love that I've been searching for? Is this love or am I dreaming? This must be love, 'cause it's really got a hold on me.

So, Isshin Kurosaki, I hope you consider this my proposal to be your wife. I think I would make an excellent addition to your family, as I am completely fine with half of you being death gods and fighting evil spirits.

Go, Team Kurosaki!

Hell, Isshin, I’m more than fine with it.

It’s just so goddamned cool.

Call me!

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The worst advice ever for when you’re lost

May 5, 2010 at 2:10 pm (Stuff that Bugs Me Right Now) ()

Last night, I had trouble sleeping.

Why was that, you wonder?

Well, it’s because, for absolutely no reason at all (except that weird nightmare I had about a monster that me and my friends killed once but was back again to commit evil acts), I could not stop thinking: who gave Beverly Marsh the great advice on how to find your way when you’re lost?

Remember that scene in It (the Stephen King novel that I haven’t thought about since college)? When the kids have just defeated It (so they believe), but then they’re lost in the sewers? And so Beverly is like, “I have an idea! You guys all have sex with me!”

Like, who thinks that will actually help? I know her dad was abusive, but you still think he’d have passed on the traditional wisdom: “Stay in one place and wait for help” instead of “have sex with everyone around you.”

And yeah, I get that it was supposed to, like, help the kids renew their bond or whatever, and that made them strong and able to find the way home, but golly, wouldn’t some strenuous high-fiving have done the job? Maybe some, “All right, buddy”s and hugs? And if having sex was supposed to strengthen the bond between all of them, shouldn’t some of the boys have had sex with each other?

Anyway, all I’m saying, folks, is when you’re telling your children what to do when they’re lost, omit the group sex, all right?

In related news, thank you SO MUCH, Mr. King, for making clowns even more scary for me. Thanks. Really.

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I know I should care, but I don’t

May 5, 2010 at 11:19 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

So, Iron Man 2, right?

I mean, you couldn’t get a better Tony Stark than Robert Downey Jr. if you tried. (They probably tried, right?) He perfectly embodies the charming playboy with a slightly self-destructive streak who also likes to wear body armor and blow shit to smithereens that is Tony “Iron Man” Stark.

Iron Man! Iron Man! Does whatever! An Iron can!

And Mickey Rourke! He is awesomely terrifying, what with his Mickey Rourke-iness and his suit with the electricty whips.

I don't know how else to describe that quality he has. "Mickey Rourke-iness" is the best I can do. Shameful, really.

I mean, those are some cool things! And I’m a comic book geek, man! I should be wetting my pants for this!

But, like when Iron Man (1) opened, I’m not.

Maybe it's all the primary colors?

And I’m really sorry about that. I’ve tried to be enthusiastic. I’ve been like, “ooooh, but everybody loved the first one! It was supposed to be a great comic book adaptation! The second one should be just as good, because comic book movies don’t start sucking until the third installment (Fantastic Four being the notable exception, as it began sucking immediately).”

But then I realize, oh, right, I never got around to seeing the first one. ‘Cause I just didn’t care.

I’ve never cared about Iron Man. I’m sorry. Sure, he’s not as annoying as Spiderman, nor as omnipresent as Wolverine, but he’s just also been one of those Marvel heroes that’s sort of just there. I have nothing against Iron Man (not like the way I do that goody two-shoes Captain America), but I’m not really rooting for him either.

Errr, go, Iron Man. I'm sure the concrete deserves it.

So I guess what I’m saying here is I’m saving my money for Solomon Kane, unless that already came out and my town’s suckhole movie theater didn’t get it either.

He shoots people with two guns at once! How can I not love this movie???

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Back to the slap-happiness!

May 4, 2010 at 11:31 am (Top Ten) (, , , , )

So there’s celebrities I want to slap for no apparent reason other than their faces annoy me. (I’m really sorry, Tom Hanks. I know you don’t deserve it!)

There’s celebrities who deserve a good slap for being the spectacular oxygen-sucks of nastiness that they are. (I am air-slapping in your general direction, reality television “stars!)

Then there’s celebrities that really surprise me because I think they would be going around slapping people all the time and they don’t.

Here’s 10 of them.

1. Christian Bale. After his on-set verbal explosion and the way he (allegedly) beat up his mother and sister, I was really expecting him to go on a slapping tour of America. And then he didn’t. That was really surprising.

I mean look at that face! Deep down, you know he wants to slap you.

2. Nicole Ritchie. She just seems like a slapper, you know? But I think she actually uses her fist. Odd, that.

Seems like a hair puller too.

3. Tyra Banks. It just seems like more episodes of America’s Next Top Model should end with Tyra slapping all hope of modeling out of some of these girls, but she never does. If it wasn’t for giant pendulums, that would really disappoint me.

Bitches, I'll show you fierce!

4. Richard Belzer. Not that he strikes me as the diva type, but it just seems like a Munch-ish mannerism, you know? “Don’t lie to me like I’m Montel Williams!” *slap!*

Maybe a good pistol whip is forthcoming, I don't know.

5. Kristen Bell. She must have some great bodyguards, because otherwise I would expect her hand to get sore, all the slapping of geek stalkers she should be doing.

I mean, some GREAT bodyguards. She's just asking for trouble.

6. “Sylar.” I don’t remember the actor’s name and I can’t be arsed to look it up, but it seems like someone who’s been trapped on Heroes this long and could do better would really be slapping more people by now.

For Christ's sake, Milo! Sod off! I mean it!

7. William Shatner. I expect the slapping almost as a tic from him. “Hey, Bob, how’s it going?” *slap!* “Oww, William, why’d you just slap me?” “I didn’t slap you!” *slap!*

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three! The left ear, the right ear and the final frontier!

8. Jillian Michaels. Yeah, she’s a little butch to be slapping, so I know you’re thinking, but wouldn’t she be punching people? Except I think she knows a slap is much more demeaning, so she would do it. Constantly.

I love her, but she is kind of scary.

9. Octomom. She’d get the multi-slap in, you know? “Line up, all you eight kids!” “But mom!” “Line up!” *Slap-slap-slap-etc.*!

Hopefully, this blog won't sink any lower than using a photo of Octomom. I'm sorry, everyone.

10. Amanda Seyfried. I think if she did more slapping, she’d get stuck with less crummy scripts.

Start with whoever keeps accepting those rom-com scripts, Amanda! Just: bam! Right in the kisser!

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We now interrupt my slap-fest …

May 3, 2010 at 2:51 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , , , )

To bring you this breaking Top Ten list.

Why?

Because somebody read one of my “Keanu Reeves sucks” posts and said this:

“Keanu is part Chinese, and Asians are generally known for their unexpressiveness when compared to their Caucasian counterparts. Keanu has a lot of fans in Asia, and here there are far fewer jibes at his lack of expression than I see in Western magazines and websites.”

Because apparently, Asian people’s faces are genetically programmed to be less expressive than their “Caucasian counterparts.” I mean, that’s what this person is saying, right? Because if they mean it’s a cultural thing, then KEANU REEVES STILL HAS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE HE IS FROM AMERICA.

Here’s a list of actors that proves this theory is a pile of steaming poo. (Much like Keanu’s attempts to act, Christ!)

1. Takeshi Kaneshiro. Takeshi Kaneshiro is the anti-Keanu. He’s just as good-looking, but he’s not a boring plank of wood. Also, he can speak, like, two dozen languages, and Keanu has trouble with one.

And like he would even need to bother, I mean, he's made of rainbows and sunshine and all the other miracles of God's creation.

2. Jet Li. Jet Li has it all: mad kung fu skillz, good looks and the ability to out-act most actors in Hollywood.

And a gaze of STEEL.

3. Ziyi Zhang. Is also gorgeous, slick with the kung fu and dancing, and ooooh, she can act in English and Chinese.

AND kick your ass.

4. Jackie Chan. I love Jackie Chan so much! (Not the way his career is going as he reaches his golden years. You deserve so much better, Jackie!) Despite being inspired by “The Great Stone Face,” Buster Keaton, Jackie Chan is anything but unexpressive.

He is one of the best physical comedians EVER, and I love him for it.

5. Kenichi Matsuyama. Kenichi is a very pretty man who happens to be able to act.

Don't you just want to feed this boy?

6. Michelle Yeoh. Yes, I watch a lot of movies where people are ass-kicking action heroes. Michelle Yeoh is one of the ass-kickingest of all. She’s beautiful and ACTS.

At least, when you're skewered, you can be grateful you were killed by someone this beautiful.

7. Chow Yun Fat. This is a guy I always think of as being able to whip out the complete works of The Bard on command. He’s just so classy! And talented.

I mean, look at him! CLASSY.

8. Tatsuya Fujiwara. My misgivings about the shape of his head aside, this guy did a great job portraying Light Yagami in the Death Note movies.

I don't get why he's such a heart-throb in Japan, but whatever.

9. Sandra Oh. I have the opportunity to mention Last Night a second time on this blog! What a great film! What a great performance! It’s such a shame that Sandra Oh needs a steady paycheck, or perhaps she wouldn’t be stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.

I understand, Sandra. We all need to eat.

10. Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. We can’t omit the greatest. From Karate Kid to M*A*S*H, Morita bought a sensitivity to each role that Keanu Reeves could never, ever, EVER in his wildest dreams attempt to emulate.

Pat Morita is a god among men. I say that with the utmost sincerity.

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