Hypnotoad vs. The Swamp Thing
Why?
Because they’re both green, I guess.
All glory to the Hypnotoad.
Swamp Thing likes pretty flowers.
(Seriously, if you have suggestions for a fictional character battle, let me know. If it’s a character I know nothing about, I’m willing to fake it.)
On to the battle!
Physicality. The Swamp Thing is a green swamp creature formed of plants that has a bit of a human-like shape, but mostly looks like plants. The Hypnotoad is a toad. Now, I don’t usually find toads appealing, and I have this dreadful fear of running over the one that lives in the front yard with the lawn mower, but in this case for some reason Hypnotoad. Winner? Hypnotoad.
Has superpowers? In the original Swamp Thing series, Len Wein and Bernie Wrightson’s creation was less of a plant god and more of a crime-fighting plant creature. That all changed when Alan Moore got ‘hold of the title and said, “Hey, why not awesome this up a bit?”, and then he did. The Alan Moore Swamp Thing could control all forms of plant life, and even create new bodies for himself to inhabit anywhere that plants grew, by simply (simply?) transferring his consciousness to them. However, the Hypnotoad Hypnotoad. Winner? Hypnotoad.
Awesome it up, crazy it up, whichever.
Used to be human? Wein and Wrightson’s Swamp Thing was the transformed Alec Holland who, yes, used to be human. But then that magnificent bastard Alan Moore got ‘hold of the title, and suddenly the Swamp Thing was just a bunch of plants that thought they were Alec Holland. (It makes sense if you read it. Well, maybe it doesn’t make sense, exactly, but you just go with the flow.) The Hypnotoad was never Hypnotoad. Winner? The Hypnotoad.
Is from the future? The Swamp Thing is an elemental, and basically unkillable, but he’s not from the future. The Hypnotoad stars on Futurama, which almost has the word future in the title, and is set in the 30th century, so Hypnotoad. (Hey! You were going to win anyway, you damned hypnotic Hypnotoad.) Winner? Hypnotoad.
Welcome from the futur!
Made it with a hot chick? Through some powerful psychotropic plants of some sort, the swamp thing and Abigail Arcane, who later became Abigail Holland, and somehow they had a baby. I, uh, stopped reading the series after Moore’s run on it, so I have no idea how the whole plants impregnating human woman thing happened, and I’m not sure I want to know. On the other hand, Hypnotoad. Winner? Hypnotoad.
That is a really beautiful picture of a plant elemental and his human wife.
Is the bestest, most awesome, most wonderful character ever? Hypnotoad. Winner? The Hypnotoad.
Yes. All glory.
Overall winner? Hey, for a one-note joke on this here blog, the Hypnotoad comes out ahead. Winner? Hypnotoad.
This is either the best idea ever or the worst one
A thing I just don’t get is the unholy combination of funeral home/anything else.
I mean, sure, I understand that in a small town, there’s not that many people dying, and you have to supplement your income by running a furniture store, whatever. Fine. I get that. I think it’s a bit odd, but I get it.
But the one I combination I just don’t get is mortuary/ambulance service. (Here’s another one.)
Because how hard are they trying, you know?
What? No, lady, clubbing your husband over the head is a perfectly reasonable form of treatment. Have I mentioned that the mortuary is closer than the hospital?
The movies I didn’t see last weekend
Not that I would have gone to see any movies anyway, since I was overseas and having a grand ol’ time (did you know that in some Japanese hotels, there are toilets with seats that rise automatically when you come near them? And in Saipan, there are no toilets that do that?), but here’s three recent releases and why I wouldn’t have gone to see them.
It's like a toilet from the future that came back in time to save us all!
Welcome back, me!
Toy Story 3.
“What?” said my cousin, when I told him I didn’t care about Toy Story 3. “Don’t you have a soul?”
As some of the commentors would agree, apparently no, I am not in the possession of a soul. (But I am in the possession of some basic grammar, spelling and punctuation skills, you asses, so learn how to use an apostrophe when you insult me!) I have nothing against the Toy Story franchise (except maybe that the same boyfriend with the Winona Ryder fetish also loved it a bit too much — not in a dirty way (I don’t think), but more like in a watched it a dozen times in one week sort of way) but I just don’t get all excited about it the way a lot of people do. Maybe it’s my lack of a soul, maybe it’s just that I don’t particularly like that kind of animation, I don’t know. But I did not see Toy Story 3 and I will not see Toy Story 3.
Maybe it's because I hate astronauts and cowboys?
Jonah Hex.
OK, this looked cool. Really, really, really cool. I mean, Jonah Hex had a horse that he rode and there was a machine gun on the horse and he shot people with it and the horse didn’t even buck him!! O. M. G.!
And then the makeup on Josh Brolin is perfect, like, wow! Look at that scar!
I am a sucker for accuracy in comic book adaptations.
And then there’s Megan Fox!
Oh, wait, yeah, that’s why I decided not to go. Thanks for ruining a perfectly promising movie by casting her, stupid Hollywood.
Seriously, any other shapely brunette in that costume, and you've won me over.
Knight and Day.
I believe Knight and Day opened last weekend. I have to admit, I was a little tempted, because I think Cameron Diaz is one of the cutest things going, and the dialogue seemed properly sparkling and the script seemed suitably action filled.
Sure, she's beautiful, but what I like about her is that she seems like that goofy, fun chick who can outdrink all the boys.
But Tom Cruise.
He's a maniac, maniac ... on the floor. And he's dancing like he's never danced before!
That is all.
When the end times arrive, Jesus will ride a brontosaurus
So, TV is about a week and a day behind here, so I just saw the episode of Last Comic Standing where the “comedian” (I put it in quotes because of his habit of thinking mispronouncing stuff is funny, which is only true when it’s little kids and foreigners, because who doesn’t laugh at those guys, you know?) was talking about what kind of dinosaur Jesus will ride when he returns.
So of course, instead of sleeping off my exhaustion (being hot is hard!), I sat up all night thinking, “yeah, I wonder what kind of dinosaur Jesus Christ would ride.”
Here’s 10 I think Our Lord would saddle up:
1. Like the post title said, brontosaurus. Jesus Christ, who hopefully has a sense of humor or I am bound straight for hell, would only be more magnificent astride the back of one of these plant-eating marvels.
This one has a jetpack.
2. Tyrannosaurus Rex. What better beast than the king of the dinosaurs for the King of the Jews to ride?
3. Giraffatitan Brancai. This gimungous dinosaur would dwarf most human beings, but not Our Lord and Savior.
4. Triceratops. I don’t know why he’d do it, I just know he’d do it.
Maybe because of the whole Holy Trinity thing, eh?
5. Proceratops. Let’s just get all of the topses out of the way here, why not.
6. Maisaura. This “good mother dinosaur” would be a perfect companion for the Good Son.
7. Iguanodon. All right, you got me. Now I’m just listing dinosaurs I know the names of.
Ha, ha, I'm just kidding. I had to look it up.
8. Spinosaurus. Most people, upon seeing Jesus Christ riding a dinosaur, would be like, “Yeah, sure, it’s a miracle, but what would make it more, you know, miraculous?” How about Jesus Christ riding a dinosaur that’s got a big ol’ spine on it?
Now THAT'S a miracle, folks.
9. Pteranodon. Because what’s more awesome than the sight of the Holy Son riding a flying dinosaur?
10. Velociraptor. Nothing, except maybe Jesus Christ riding a velociraptor.
Really, the only thing more awesome than that would be a velociraptor riding a shark while dressed as Batman and carrying a light saber.
All I could find was the photo of the velociraptor with a jetpack and scissors, which you have to admit is awesome in its own way.
It’s really, really hot here and I have a sunburn
Q. Why is it that it’s ever so much less sexy when men do a hip-shaking dance than when women do?
A. That’s just how nature is, child.
Sooooo … I’m totally that guy
You know the guy, right?
The guy that’s like, “Oh, that movie? The one based on (insert novel here)? I found it highly inferior to the original work. Blah, blah, blah.”
(Blah Blah Blah is a really great song, by the by.)
That guy isn’t satisfied with a good movie that is based on a novel (or comic book or video game or whatever). He wants it to be exactly the same, even though that’s impossible, because they are two completely different mediums, and I know that, really I do.
So on the flight over here, they’ve got the Sherlock Holmes film. And I’m like, “OK, sure, I’ll give it a try. Robert Downey runs around without his shirt on for a while. That should be awesome.”
(And that was pretty awesome, I have to admit.)
But then Holmes and Watson have dinner with Watson’s bride-to-be, Mary Morstan. And one of them says something about Holmes meeting her for the first time. And I’m like, “Well, that’s odd. Didn’t Holmes introduce her to Watson because she was a client of his?”
And then Holmes does his trick where he can tell all sorts of stuff about a person just from looking at them (and I have to admit, I did love the bit where Holmes is sitting alone in the restaurant waiting for Watson and Mary. Robert Downey Jr. saw everything, and you could see his interest and his frustration that he couldn’t not do it. Pretty cool acting, I have to admit).
I'm not saying he's not a good actor, because he is. I'm just (still) saying he's much too good-looking to play Holmes. (Because I'm that guy. Obviously.)
And Mary was engaged before! And I’m like, “Well, that’s even more odd. She was never engaged.”
But then I was like, “Well, whatever, it’s just Watson. Who cares about Watson, anyhow?”
Well, Holmes did, sure, which is what made the series so great, but even Arthur Conan Doyle got a bit sick of the guy.
And then! AND THEN. Irene Adler stops by Holmes’ apartment (I’d have gone with Holmes’ home, but I thought the rhyme was too obvious, even for me), and says something like “It’s Irene Adler again,” and that’s when I was like “Frak this movie and everyone involved in it! She was never a client of his! She barely even met him! God damn all of you, they were never in love!”
They met for all of two minutes, he was disguised as an elderly priest, she thought her house was on fire, and they never bloody well had time to do this.
That was when I leaned over and showed the person sitting beside me the line in my Sherlock Holmes short story collection (which I had, coincidentally, brought on the plane with me) that says this: “It was not that he felt any emotion akin to love for Irene Adler.”
And that was when everyone was like, “Please, shut the hell up.”
So it turns out that I’m that guy. I’m a little bit ashamed, but mostly, I want to punch Guy Ritchie in the face.
What did Madonna ever see in you, you ... you ... Sherlock Holmes canon ignorer, you!
Read the damn stories before you make a Sherlock Holmes movies. Have you ever heard of accuracy?
Crap, I’m doing it again.
Hollywood Hates Me on Holiday Hiatus?
There’s a question mark there because, while I will be going overseas for a couple of weeks and probably won’t have Internet access, I can assure you that when I do, I will be blogging like mad.
Well, blogging or watching youtube videos, one of the two.
I'll be back.
Songs to woo your superpowered lover by
It’s hard finding the right way to let your superhero significant other know you’re thinking of them (in a super way). But I feel your pain, and I am here to help.
Through the power … of music!
Here’s a list of 10 songs that kind of maybe have something to do with superheroes, or I like to think that a superhero would like them.
1. Four Color Love Story by The Metasciences. OK, this song is actually from the point of view of the superhero, but I still think it’s a great way to acknowledge that you’re living in a comic book, and you’re in love.
Sample line: “If you’ll keep my identity a secret, then you will know the touch beneath my glove. I may go out every night and risk my life for strangers, but you’re the only girl I’ll ever love.”
Bonus points for: listing super significant others, like Elektra, Lois Lane, Gwen Stacy and Sue Dibney. (She’s Elongated Man’s wife. Please pick up a DC comic book.)
Don't say, "But who's the Elongated Man?" Now you're just trying to piss me off.
2. Sunshine Superman by Donovan. Sometimes we all feel a little insecure. Donovan did. But you need to let your superlover know that you are awesome, and here’s a good groovy way to do it.
Sample line: “Superman and Green Lantern ain’t got nothing on me.”
Bonus points for: “I’ll pick up your hand and slowly blow your little mind.” That Donovan had some sexifyin’ goin’ on, baby.
3. Jimmy Olsen’s Blues by Spin Doctors. Sometimes, you just need to let your lover know you’re willing to go the extra distance to win her over, and that includes incapacitating the competition with their only weakness.
Sample line: “Come on downtown and stay with me tonight. I have got a pocketful of kryptonite.”
I don't know. Kryptonian or no, having this stuff in your pocket doesn't seem like it would do wonders for your sperm count there, Jimmy.
Bonus points for: the goofy beards.
4. Back Before We were Brittle by Say Hi. Boy, it’s sure been a long time since I mentioned Eric Elbogen (marry me, Eric! I love you!!). This song is for when you and your superspouse have hung up the capes for good, and need to reminisce.
Sample line: “Remember when we could save kittens from trees? Have lunch on skyscrapers? Bring the villains to their knees? Maybe we should move someplace new and build a time machine to to go and get us back. Back before we were brittle.”
Bonus points for: Being a song by the perfect man, Eric Elbogen. (Call me!)
I mean it, Eric Elbogen, I think we would be great friends.
5. Spiderman by The Ramones. OK, this song works best if you’re specifically dating Spiderman, so you could be all like, “Look what happens when your theme song is in the right hands?” But it also works for anyone who loves The Ramones. (That’s everybody, right?)
Sample lyric: “Spiderman, Spiderman, friendly neighborhood Spiderman. Is he strong? Listen, bud: he’s got radioactive blood.”
Bonus points for: I miss The Ramones. How many are left? Two? One? Is it one?
A moment of silence for the dead Ramones and the ones that I can't remember if they're dead or not.
6. Birdman Kicked My Ass by Wesley Willis. If your super loved one is being tormented by a supervillain, or is just on their merry way to a psychotic break (like the very excellent Mssr. Willis), this is the song for them.
Sample line: “Birdman caught me on his property. He saw me trespassing his real estate. He reached in his pocket for a pistol. He came after me and pistol-whipped my behind. Birdman kicked my ass.”
Bonus points for: The Power of Awesome.
Wesley wielded it like none before and none since.
7. I Am Superman by R.E.M. Eh, your super significant other will like this song because “Superman” and “R.E.M.”
Sample line: “I am, I am, I am Superman, and I know what’s happening.”
Bonus points: For being one of the few R.E.M. songs from that era where you can mostly understand what Michael Stipe is saying.
8. Batdance by Prince. Sometimes, you just need to find out if the superhero you’re dating is funky. This is the best way.
Sample line: “Stop the press, who is that?”
Bonus points for: Doing a whole album of music for the Tim Burton film. Also, for being Prince.
God bless Purple Rain.
9. “Heroes” by David Bowie. This song lets your caped crusading darling know that, even though you’re not out there fighting crime too, the both of you are heroes.
Sample line: “We can be heroes. Just for one day.”
Bonus points for: Hello, it’s Bowie!
10. My Hero by Foo Fighters. Hey, maybe the one you love doesn’t actually have superpowers. Or an arsenal of bat-themed weapons. Or the build to wear a spandex or leather suit. This song lets them know that’s OK.
Sample line: “There goes my hero. Watch him as he goes. There goes my hero. He’s ordinary.”
Bonus points: for having a kickass video, just like all the Foo ones. It makes me miss the days of music videos.
Probably less doves will be killed, but maybe they’ll choke on a balloon
I want to have a balloon release at my memorial service once I’m dead.
Also, I want someone to stuff my ashes into one of the balloons so that after they’re set free, when it pops, my remains will come raining down on the populace.
“Agh! What’s that in my eye?”
Ha, ha! It’s me!
Eat my dead, cremated body, general public! HA HA HA HAAAAAAAH!
Damn you, Will Smith, maybe your kid shouldn’t act, you know?
I knew I didn’t even want to watch the Karate Kid trailer, so I didn’t. I watched the A-Team trailer instead. I was pretty sure I wanted to see the A-Team movie, but now that I know there’s a part where there’s a tank and it’s parachuting and somebody is in the tank and they’re shooting the cannon of the tank while it’s falling through the sky, squee, omigod, I want to see this movie so bad.
(I mean, did you see the cast? Could they not look more like the original television cast? So! Awesome!)
Hell, they look more like the original cast than the original cast did!
Ahem. Sorry. Back to “Why I don’t want to see the Karate Kid, an essay by Lokifire.”
Because whyyyyyyyyy?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Jackie Chan as much as I love Pat Morita. They’re both just So! Great! But Jackie’s in the portion of his career now where he makes movies with children and makes me cry. Why couldn’t you have invested wisely, Jackie Chan? Or maybe you could start a Jackie Chan School of Physical Acting, and people could learn from one of the masters. (Required course No. 1: “The works of Buster Keaton: they’re so awesome.”) I know you love acting, or money, or money and acting, but it’s time to stop doing movies with children.
For God's sake, whyyyyyyy?
Especially Will Smith’s children.
Especially Will Smith’s children in movies that were financed by Will Smith.
Especially Will Smith's children in movies financed by Will Smith and they do a kick like that. That's just icky.
Especially when the movie bastardizes the original concept that had an actual moral lesson in exchange for ass-kicking. Not that I have anything against ass-kicking. To think that I do is just plain silly. I love nothing more than a good ass-kicking, which is why I’m sure I’ll enjoy the scenes in the A-Team where “Rampage” introduces himself: “I’m B.A. You’ll be unconscious.”
I pity the fool who ... something something.
Right, right, Karate Kid (The Smiths’ version (and not the good The Smiths, like that band with that crazy bastard Morrissey in it)) and why I’m not seeing it this weekend.
Because don’t frak with the classics just because you’re making a vanity project for your kid. Call it something else, like “The kid who goes to China and meets Jackie Chan and learns how to kick ass.” Don’t call it Karate Kid. It’s not the same thing at all. You suck. I hate you.
I wish Jackie Chan was in the A-Team instead. That would be awesome.
Be the badass that we know you can be. Please, Jackie Chan. Please.
