Holding babies over things: a guide to increased celebrity
With the untimely deaths of Michael Jackson and the Crocodile Hunter, there has been a tragic dearth of celebrities holding their children over balconies and crocodiles. That seems a shame to me, as it is hilarious when celebrities hold their babies over things.
Here’s a list of suggestions to get them back in baby-holding-over-things gear.
1. The Grand Canyon. If you’re going to hold your celebrity baby over something, go big! Plus, there’s always tourists and their cameras at the Grand Canyon, so you wouldn’t even need to rely on the paparazzi to photograph you endangering your child.
Man, that canyon sure is grand!
2. A blender. My mother once knew a woman who left her 18-month-old on the kitchen counter with a running blender. Also, she didn’t have the lid on the blender. Also, later, her children were taken away. Bonus points if you can do this at a cooking show, where there is an audience.
This blender is called the "Ultimate Chopper." For what it does to babies' fingers.
3. Australia. Australia is home to a variety of dangerous and evil critters, like the blanket octopus (note: less cuddly than the word “blanket” implies) (note the second: you can do your own image search; I’m not putting one of these things on this blog), the bird-eating tarantula (which, as the name implies, is a spider that EATS GODDAMN BIRDS), the deadly cassowary and the box jellyfish (God’s little reminder to stay the hell away from the ocean always). Hell, you wouldn’t even need to hold your child over any of these things — just taking the kid to Australia is attention-getting enough.
Always remember: cassowaries want to kill you AND all your children.
4. An alligator. Crocodile’s already been done, you know? (God rest Steve Irwin’s stingray-loving soul.) But alligator — man, that’s new.
And make sure to point out the difference, because most people can't tell these hellbeasts apart.
5. Old Faithful. “What? No, this thing erupts on a schedule. I can totally pull Junior away in time.”
You could set your clock to Old Faithful, if you don't want your clock to be completely accurate.
6. The enclosures at the zoo. Because everyone knows babies want to pet tigers just as much as British grandmothers do!
The giant goddamn fangs are nature's way of saying "don't pet."
7. The ledge of a building. “Stop! Or the baby will jump!”
He's suicidal, just like that man in the business suit!
8. Rotating helicopter blade. Mixing aviation and babies is like mixing gin and tonic: a can’t-miss, surefire dose of awesome.
I wish I was drunk.
9. Michael Jackson’s grave. “It’s funny because it’s ironic!”
"Annie, are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK, Annie?"
10. Niagara Falls. Because babies like romantic locales as much as the next guy.
I'm sure they're also fans of Marilyn Monroe films.
