Ever since my new hero, Whatsisname, quit his job in a barrage of swearing, stolen beers and emergency inflatable slides, I’ve been thinking. Actually, I was thinking before that and don’t accuse me of otherwise, but I’ve been thinking specifically of the best ways to quit your job. With as much carnage as possible, except without the killing of people, no matter how racist they are. (Seriously. Not a fan of racists, but on the scale of 1 to evil, “mass murderers” beat them out.)
So here’s a list of ways to quit your job well after your inheritance has come in/nobody has caught you after you robbed that bank/you begin your life as a con artist.
1. Place an obituary.
Not for yourself. For your job.
This job is dead to me. It is survived by a bunch of people who don’t like it, and even more people who would never do it. There will be no services, because this job is an asshole.
2. Put someone on hold.
So, that jerk who always calls to bitch about how bad your company sucks and won’t ever let him transfer you to, I don’t know, an editor or someone who could actually help him, is on the phone. Ask if you can put him on hold for a moment. If he agrees, put him on hold. If he refuses, put him on hold. Then calmly gather your things and walk out. Later, you should call one of your friendlier coworkers to find out how long that bastard stayed on hold before calling back to complain about how bad your hold music sucks.
3. If you’ve got the time and the money, a funny thing to do is piss off your supervisor.
Does your supervisor have a car? Does he leave it unlocked? If not, do you know how to pick a lock? If not, do you intend to learn? While you’re learning how to pick a car lock, take a break from the pursuit to write “I quit” and other personal messages like “the next time someone complains about me following procedure because they don’t like our policies, go ahead and try to write me up for doing my job, you ass,” on many, many, many sheets of paper. So many. Then, break into your boss’s car and leave the many sheets of paper in there. Also, if you can find one, a sloppy drunk.
4. More vandalism.
Spray-painting your office building is also a fun way to relieve your frustrations, especially if you get the outside and the inside. And that coworker who’s always grabbing your ass.
5. During one of those “State of the company” meetings.
You could even turn in into a bad comedy routine.
“Does anybody even care about the state of the company? Like, are we ever going to get raises again? Right? Am I right? You’ve got to ask yourself, ‘How does our CEO sleep at night?’ And the answer is: ‘Comfortably, on her piles and piles of money!’ Ha, ha! I quit!”
6. Slapping. Lots of slapping.
Slap everyone you’ve ever wanted exactly the way they deserve: like a herd of redheaded stepchildren and $10 hookers.
(As a coworker pointed out, I’m a big fan of the slap.)
7. Arson is always fun.
If you don’t feel like burning the whole place down (and for god’s sake, wait until the night custodians are gone, because what did they ever do to you??), lighting a few trash fires is good enough. If you don’t feel like announcing your imminent departure, I’m sure everyone will get the hint when you never return. Or they’ll think you died a tragic death in the flames, whichever.
8. Via adult message-gram.
Why not announce that you’re quitting and possibly get someone fired for sexual harrassment? Two words: Messenger. Bunny.
9. Place an obituary.
This time, it can be yours. Feel free to blame your job for your untimely and horrible death all you want.
10. Hop on a Jet Blue airliner, hijack it and slide down the emergency slide into your workplace where you tell your boss: “I quit.”
I think this one’s self-explanatory.