These days, it’s hard for girls to tell exactly what kind of mythical being they’re dating. That’s why I’m here to help. I’m just a helpful person.
This week’s guide discusses the possibility that the being you are dating could be, in fact, an Egyptian mummy. You’ve had your suspicions, but how can you be sure?
By asking yourself the following questions, of course:
1. Is your boyfriend a mummy? I know this one seems like a no-brainer, but you have to start somewhere. If you can answer “yes” to this question, then you are well on the path to being certain you’re dating an Egyptian mummy.
2. Is your boyfriend Egyptian? Even if your first answer is “yes,” you can’t be sure what kind of mummy you’ve got. For instance, you could be dating the mummified remains of the “world’s oldest living man,” who isn’t actually all that old nor all that alive. Nowadays, you have to be certain.
3. All right, so your boyfriend’s Egyptian, but you’re not sure he’s a mummy. Is he wrapped in bandages? This one is a toughie. Maybe he’s wrapped in bandages because he’s a mummy and he’s trying to prevent the leakage of precious bodily fluids. Maybe he’s wrapped in bandages because he’s the invisible man. This one really could go either way, but, if he is wrapped in bandages, you at least have a starting point.
4. Does he control zombie hordes? Some Egyptian mummies who have been raised from the dead can control zombie hordes. It makes for a better action sequence, you know? So if your boyfriend can control zombie hordes, he could be an Egyptian mummy. Or a dark wizard. Or a mad scientist. These things are hard to narrow down, which is why there are ten questions. (That, and if there’s not ten questions, then I can’t make this a top ten list.)
5. Does your boyfriend worship Ra? Or Osiris? Or Atum? (Or Aton, or however they’re spelling it nowadays?) If your boyfriend does worship one — or all — of these gods, you should be aware that they are ancient Egyptian gods, and the likelihood of him being an Egyptian mummy is ever-rising.
6. Did you meet your boyfriend at the museum? Was he in a mummy’s casket? If he was in a mummy’s casket, you’ve got your answer. If he was just hanging around the Egyptian wing, all bandaged and zombie horde-leading, things are still iffy.
7. Does he like The Bangles? Specifically, their hit “Walk Like an Egyptian”? OK, actually this is totally a throwaway question. Everyone likes that song.
8. Does he have some sort of mystical power? Like, maybe he can raise the dead to make them into the zombie hordes he’s leading? Or maybe he makes some sort of, I don’t know, sand storm? In Egypt? Or he just curses people and then when they fall victim to the curse, he says, “Ha, ha, the mummy’s curse got them?” If so, chances are: you’re dating an Egyptian mummy.
9. Does he resemble paintings of old pharaohs? Well, that’s a tough one too. Art was more abstract than representational in those days, so all the pharaohs kind of look alike. But if you notice he’s wearing one of those head things (you know, the head things?), like, constantly, then he either has one of the lamest affectations ever, or he is totally an Egyptian mummy.
10. Does he hang out with a guy he calls Anubis who happens to have the head of a jackal? Anubis is the jackal-headed Egyptian god associated with — I hope you’re sitting down for this! — mummification. I know, right? If your boyfriend hangs out with Anubis, then, yeah, that’s a pretty sure sign right there.
If you have answered yes to all these questions, especially the first two, which, you’ll remember, are “Is your boyfriend a mummy?” and “Is your boyfriend Egyptian?”, then you are certainly dating an Egyptian mummy. Stay tuned for a follow-up installment: “How to dump your Egyptian mummy boyfriend for Brendan Fraser.”