Does someone wanna proof (Untitled) for me, and also give me a title? It’s a fun-filled romp with kids fighting giant monsters, kind of like some sort of anime, and also without that part I said about “fun-filled.”
On the bright side, I did get to do a post that features Jersey Shore and Neon Genesis Evangelion, and the universe didn’t implode, so that’s something.
So, the Americanized remake of the Swedish film “Let the Right One In” looks pretty cool. Sure, people who saw the original film are anti-remake, but it was a Swedish vampire film. How many people could’ve possibly seen it, you know?
The American version is called Let Me In, and it’s directed by that guy who did the giant monster attacking New York City movie that wasn’t Godzilla or Jurassic Park. So that’s cool, I guess.
Anyway, the trailer is an eerie thing, shot in all these muted colors and with some sort of metal song playing in the background, which doesn’t turn me off any, so that’s also, I guess, cool.
But then you’ve got the stars.
And that’s when I decided no, no, perhaps not.
So Bad Ash is like the bad version of Evil Dead Ash, who isn’t really all that good when you think about it. And Bizarro was conceived as the mirror image of Superman, because someone had been reading a lot of Jung at the time.
Which alternate version of a hero will come out on top?
And do you even care?
(Of course you do.)
On to the battle!
Physicality: Bad Ash looks a lot like Bruce Campbell until he gets boomsticked to death and then re-animated by an incorrect reading of the Necronomicon.
(I’m just going to call it Book of the Dead from now on, ’cause screw Latin.) Then he looks more like a zombie. Bizarro looks like if Superman was in a really bad fire and had the world’s worst plastic surgeon try to repair his skin, using the skin of an albino who is also made of glass. Winner? Bad Ash, for at least looking like Bruce Campbell for a few minutes.
Wreaks more havoc? I feel like this is a category in a lot of these things, but I find havoc-wreaking to be an awesome quality in a fictional character. (It’s a much less awesome quality in a politician, but they all seem to possess it to some degree. Ha, ha, political jokes — over.) Bad Ash sends the Deadites to attack the village that Ash is protecting, and I’m not sure why we stopped calling them Candarian demons in Army of Darkness, but whatever. However, his plans are thwarted because Ash has a chainsaw hand. Well, he has some sort of robotic armor hand in Army of Darkness, which is cool, but the chainsaw hand is cooler. Bizarro wreaks all sorts of havoc, whether on purpose or by trying to imitate Superman. Winner? Bizarro, because have you seen what he’s done to grammar??
More evil? Bad Ash is so evil he’s got “Bad” in his name, and not like “Bad” when people mean “good.” More like “just plain mean” bad. Bizarro is just a confused, tragic character who mangles grammar. (I really can’t forgive him for that.) Winner? Bad Ash.
Leads a legion of the undead? Hey, they don’t call it “Army of Darkness” for nothing. Winner? Bad Ash.
Is a more sympathetic character? Bad Ash, evil though he is, is mostly played for laughs because, by Army of Darkness, everyone realized the Evil Dead franchise was actually a comedic series. Bizarro has been created by, like, every Superman villain out there, because when they came up with the concept for Superman, they forgot that having an all-powerful hero makes for some pretty anti-climactic fight scenes, so all the villains are kind of wimptacular next to the world’s biggest boy scout. Thus, Bizarro, who has all of Superman’s powers and none of his good qualities, is born. The poor, sympathetic bastard. He didn’t even ask to be born! No one asked him! Winner? Bizarro.
Dies a more spectacular death? First, Bad Ash gets shot and buried and then resurrected. Then, he gets torched. Then, he gets his hand chopped off. Even more then, he gets catapulted into the air and blown up with a sackful of gunpowder. Explode-y! Bizarro has been offed in a variety of ways, one of which includes a midair collision with Superman. But was there an explosion? Science says no. Winner? Bad Ash.
Is played by Bruce Campbell in a film? Winner? Bad Ash.
The overall winner in this (slightly) (biased) battle? Bad Ash.
Dear Eikichi Onizuka,
Recently, I re-read every volume of GTO, and I was reminded of how godsdamned awesome you are, and how much I love you.
Really. I love you. I love your bleached blonde hair and your disrespect toward authority and the way you take beating after beating after beating, and fall after fall after fall from building tops and don’t die.
I have to admit, I’m not so big on the panty-peeping, but in comparison to that teacher who was spying on girls in the toilet, you are a paragon of virtue. (I don’t even know what that means.)
But I think what I love the most about you, Eikichi Onizua, is the way you’re a teacher, but you never seem to actually teach anything. (OK, sure, you taught some great life lessons and your students all learned to enjoy school and etc., but it wasn’t like you had a lesson plan or anything. Or could spell lesson plan or anything.)
Ooooh, oooh, and also, you drive a motorcycle.
So please marry me, Onizuka. We can live together on the rooftop of your school in bliss.
Or maybe we should get an apartment.
So, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps is a sequel, huh?
And it stars Michael Douglas and James Brolin. Also Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan, whom I have never heard of before now. Chalk up another win for Hollywood: I am now educated as to her existence.
OK, so it looks like I actually could talk about Wall Street, but now I’m tapped out, so it’s on to You Again, also known as: Every Woman in this Movie Deserves a Better Film.
It would be sad enough if it was just Veronica Mars again. But no, she has to take down two of my all-time favorites with her: Sigourney Weaver and Jamie Lee Curtis. And what is Betty White doing in this thing? Is she just saying yes to every proposition now? Betty White, when did you become my slutty cousin?
And I would feel bad for Odette Yustman, but You Again seems to be a big step up from The Unborn. Also, she’s following it up with Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2 (I guess the first one made money or something), so I think You Again is, career-wise, pretty awesome for her. And besides, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Veronica Mars, Ripley and the chick from Halloween?
So, if you do go see You Again, do it for Odette Yustman. She deserves your sympathy.
Was it because Chuck and Morgan, like, totally had some sweet bonding moments?
Was it because they rebuilt the Buy More and it’s totally an awesome spy station now?
Was it because John Casey on public transportation?
Was it because Bonita Friedericy is finally part of the regular cast?
Was it because Harry Dean Stanton?
Or Dolph Lundgren?
Or Linda Hamilton?
Oh, Chuck. Thanks for bringing your A game to the season 4 premiere. I will never stop loving you.
Recently, you’ve noticed a lot of girls in your class are dating vampires, werewolves and even the occasional Egyptian mummy.
Well, bully for them, you think, but I’ve got bigger problems than that.
That’s right. While those girls are busily dating movie monsters who have recently turned emo for some reason, you suspect you’re dating a superhero. And not just any superhero. The superest hero-est of them all: Superman.
Well, are you?
Here’s 10 ways to find out:
1. Is your boyfriend a reporter? With today’s economy and the uncertain state of the traditional newspaper, the only people who are reporters are either 1) terrified; 2) have their superhero-ing to fall back on when things go bad.
2. Does your boyfriend look remarkably like Superman, except he wears glasses and occasionally stammers? Stammering shouldn’t change how your boyfriend looks, I don’t care how confident Superman is. And if you can’t recognize your boyfriend when he’s not wearing glasses, then you are the worst girlfriend ever.
3. But say you are the worst girlfriend ever. Is your boyfriend incredibly resistant to the idea of wearing contacts? Does he have ridiculous excuses for being resistant? Like: “Contacts make my eyes sweat”?
4. Whenever Superman saves someone, is your boyfriend nowhere to be found? He could just be a coward. Some people hide when there is danger. But if he returns immediately after the danger is over and acts surprised that there was any danger at all, then he either doesn’t want you to remark on his cowardice or is actually Superman.
5. Does he wear red and blue a lot? And yellow? Is there some yellow in there? Does he act like he’s getting away with something sneaky when he’s wearing red and blue?
6. Does he refuse to dress up as Superman for Halloween, even though you think he’d make a really cute Superman? It could be because Superman wears his skivvies on the outside, and some guys just don’t go for that sort of thing.
7. Does your boyfriend have friends named Diana Prince, Bruce Wayne and Oliver Queen? It’s either a remarkable coincidence, or they’ve already formed a Justice League.
8. Speaking of names, does your boyfriend go by Clark Kent or some variation thereof? If so, that’s a dead giveaway.
9. Did your boyfriend date a Lana Lang before he met you? And is your name Lois?
10. And, most importantly, does your boyfriend have superpowers? Specifically, Superman’s superpowers, which are variable and include making teeny little Supermans in some issues?
If your answer to all, most or some of these questions is yes, you can rest assured that you are probably dating Superman maybe.
So I’m not a nice person. I think we all get that. And as a not very nice person, one of the things that gives me great pleasure is watching M. Night Shyamalan’s career implode.
(I mean watching it from afar, not actually going to any of his movies, of course.)
His newest piece of insanity is the locked-room horror movie Devil. It’s about people trapped in an elevator, and one of them is the devil. My vote is for the shifty guy in the suit, but maybe it’s the old lady, like in that movie with the killer angels.
The trailer tries to give everything this sense of impending doom, with its big white letters that have growing stems (just watch it, you’ll see what I mean) and its overwhelming sense of importance: “Today. Everything happens. For a reason.” (Like, what reason is that, trailer? What possible reason could the (a?) devil have for trapping a bunch of people in an elevator? Is reigning over hell that dull? I feel kind of bad for the guy if so. Jeez.)
Also, I think filmmakers need to learn that they are no Alfred Hitchcock and they never will be. That man could make a closed-room movie like you wouldn’t believe, and he hated icy blondes. (He also loved them. He was a man of contrasts.)
I guess I should clarify that M. Night Whatsisname came up with the story for the movie. He didn’t direct it. Which still means there will still be some sort of spectacular twist, and no one will care.
The good news is that the movie is only one hour and 20 minutes long.
So you’ll only be wasting that much of your life.
One’s a cartoon coyote. The other’s a comic book hitman. (That’s pretty simplified, but you try to explain 100 Bullets in one sentence. And it can’t be a run-on!!)
What do they have in common?
Probably not much.
But let’s get down to business anyway, shall we?
Physicality. Wile E. Coyote is a cartoon coyote. I know I said that already, but I just want you to know why he’s going to lose this category. Wylie Times is a human drawn by Eduardo Risso, which means he’s very noir-ish, but also? More attractive than a cartoon coyote. Winner? Wylie Times.
More of a danger to those surrounding him? Unless you’re the roadrunner, the chances of you dying by being in the vicinity of Wile E. Coyote seem pretty great. After all, he’s always setting off bombs and rockets and making roads that lead off cliffs. Wylie Times is a member of The Minutemen, guardians of The Trust, who is called the “Point Man” because he never shoots a bullet without having a point to it. I don’t actually remember anyone calling him “Point Man” in 100 Bullets, but it’s in his character bio, so I guess? Anyway, you don’t get to be a Minuteman by being some pussy who doesn’t shoot, stab or punch people in the brains on occasion. Winner? This is a tie. These guys are walking calamities.
Leads a more pointless existence? Wile E. Coyote is, apparently, a millionaire coyote or one who is very good at credit card fraud, as he is always ordering equipment of destruction from the Acme Company so he can kill and eat the roadrunner. The irony is that if he has all this money, why doesn’t he just order a pizza? Or an assassin to kill the roadrunner? Or buy a roadrunner farm and raise his own roadrunners and eat them? Wylie Times was a Minuteman who, when The Trust decided they were unnecessary, was supposedly murdered but was actually “deactivated” and works as a gas station attendant. Later, he is “reactivated,” and just read 100 Bullets already, a’ight? He is murdered by another Minuteman, which is a shame, because he and Cole were two of my favorites. Winner? Wile E. Coyote. At least Wiley Times’ life had a few minutes of worthwhileness about it.
Has a tragic love? Wile E. Coyote’s tragic love is the love of eating roadrunner meat. So it’s not really “love” at all. More like “hunger.” Or “starvation.” Wylie Times was in love with Rose, a member of The Trust, who betrayed them and had to be murdered. By Wylie. Because it was his job. Later, he fell in love a bit with Dizzy Cordova, like who didn’t, you know? Winner? Wylie Times.
Was more successful in reaching his goals? The whole point of Wile E. Coyote is that he never eats the roadrunner. That’s really sad. Wylie Times became a Minuteman again and possibly committed suicide by other hitman. Maybe. Look, 100 Bullets is pretty dense, and I think I misinterpreted a lot of it. Anyway, he had better luck than that poor damn coyote. So, winner? Wylie Times.
Got to hang out with Dizzy Cordova? Hey, I said everybody fell in love with the girl, all right? I wish I could hang out with her. Since Wylie Times got to, he’s a winner in my book. Winner? Wylie Times.
Has cooler gadgets? Wile E. Coyote has access to all sorts of gadgets, and has also done things like strap bottle rockets to roller skates, which is awesome. Wylie Times mostly shoots people with guns, which is also awesome, but not very tech-y. Winner? Wile E. Coyote.
Overall winner? By virtue of being in one of the best comic books ever, Wylie “Point Man” (I really don’t remember them calling him that) Times.