So, you’ve met this great guy. Doesn’t talk much. Shy. Basically unkillable.
A real catch, right?
But is he a Hollywood movie monster?
(Because it’s nearly Halloween, don’t you think you should assume he is?)
Anyway, here’s a list for you to find out for sure.
1. So, yeah, he’s the quiet type, but when he does talk, he mentions: a) revenge; b) his preternatural disposition towards evil; c) “arrrghhhh.”
If it’s a), you might be dating Freddy Krueger. Or that guy in the movies whose sensei was wronged or parents were murdered. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers or possibly Jersey Shore’s The Situation (because I can’t make enough Jersey Shore jokes, that’s why!). If it’s c), you could be dating Jason. Or Michael Myers. I actually can’t remember if either of them could speak at all. (Could be a zombie, though.)
2. Your boyfriend has a unique sense of style. He’s always wearing: a) a striped sweater and tekagi; b) a potato sack or something; c) a hockey mask.
If it’s a), your boyfriend’s wardrobe bears a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger’s. Either that, or he’s the world’s worst-dressed ninja. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers, because what the hell is that thing he’s wearing? If it’s c), you’re probably dating a hockey player. Or Jason. It could be Jason.
3. You and your boyfriend haven’t been intimate because: a), b) and c) the slutty teens always die.
But does it count if you’re getting busy with the killer of said slutty teens? The jury is still out on this one.
4. When you go on a date with your boyfriend, he’s likely to take you to: a) the place where he was murdered by the neighborhood parents; b) Jamie Lee Curtis’s house; c) a creepy summer camp.
If you chose a), you’ve got to ask yourself a couple of things, most importantly being: why are you dating a dead guy? (You can sort out the other questions on your own.) If it’s b), you might be dating Michael Myers, or just a guy who’s realllly into Jamie Lee Curtis. If it’s c), you’re either dating Jason or someone who got suckered into being a camp counselor instead of getting a real job.
5. The word that best describes your boyfriend is: a) slashy; b) stabby; or c) murderous-y.
If you chose c), I’ll just have you know that it totally is a word because I have used it before.
6. Sometimes you think your boyfriend is dead, but: a) he always get resurrected in dreams; b) that’s silly because he can’t be killed; c) it turns out you were actually dating his mother!
It the answer is a), you are probably dating Freddy Krueger, because I can’t think of a single other Hollywood movie monster that would apply to. Unless there’s one in some weird Japanese film or something, I don’t know. If the answer is b), it could be Michael Myers, or it could be Spike Spiegel, if you’re dating him before the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. If it’s c), it’s definitely not Norman Bates, because then you would think mostly the opposite.
7. Your boyfriend can only be defeated by: a) ceasing to fear him and causing him to manifest in the physical world; b) nothing, because he’s Michael Myers; c) crippling mommy issues.
Why would you want to defeat your boyfriend? What kind of relationship do you have, anyway?
8. Your friends don’t like your boyfriend because: a), b) and c) he keeps murdering them. Also, his breath.
That covers any of these guys. But what does peer pressure mean to you? You’re in love!
9. Your boyfriend’s idea of a good time is: a) stalking teens in their dreams and killing them; b) stalking teens in their houses and killing them; or c) stalking teens at summer camp and killing them.
He sounds like fun.
10. And, finally, you know you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster when: a), b) and c) he stars in a remake. Possibly by Rob Zombie, and almost certainly featuring Jackie Earle Haley.
There is no doubt about it. You are dating a Hollywood movie monster.
Q. So, AMC’s The Walking Dead, based on Robert Kirkman’s comic book of the same title, premieres on Halloween.
A. That would make sense, wouldn’t it.
When I die, I want my obituary to say “She did crosswords in pen. When a pencil wasn’t available.”
I wish there was a font for sarcasm.
So, Saw 7 is in 3D, which actually makes me care about it even less than the first six, which I also didn’t see.
I guess the good news is that Cary Elwes is in it, but that isn’t actually good news because I think Mr. Elwes could do so much better, but we all need to eat, I guess.
(I think that was the wishy-washiest sentence I’ve ever written.)
Anyway, after viewing the trailer, I assume the plot is the same as the rest of the Saw movies, which have something to do with some guy forcing people to kill each other or whatever, and also IT’S IN 3D THIS TIME ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION 3D WHOOOOOOO!!
That is all.
So I finally finished re-watching every episode of Twin Peaks, even the really, really crappy ones at the end.
And when it was all over, one thing stuck in my craw.
Why did they let Shelly Johnson compete in the Miss Twin Peaks pageant?
Shelly Johnson is the wife of Leo Johnson, which makes her a married woman, which makes her a Mrs., which makes her ineligible! If it was open to married women, shouldn’t they call it the Ms. Twin Peaks pageant?
And I know that shouldn’t bother me so much, especially when there are far more major annoyances to consider, like: why did they throw Heather Graham into the show at the last minute as a love interest for Dale Cooper?
Why did Billy Zane’s character tuck his sweater into his pants (that were hooked with a belt)?
Why was Sheriff Truman so easily satisfied with someone calling an attempt on his life a result of “sexual jealousy”?
Why did Windom Earle suck so bad?
Why did the “man from another place” have such a horrible, horrible combover?
How did Killer BOB possess Cooper?
WHY DID I KEEP WATCHING THIS SHOW AFTER IT STARTED SUCKING, JESUS!
I never knew that Grace Jones was born in 1948. But now I do!
The model/singer/actress leapt onto the scene in the ’70s, with a bunch of songs I never heard of, and eventually became the muse for Andy Warhol. I guess he had a lot of muses.
In the ’80s, Jones went on to release even more songs I never heard of, perfect her androgynous look and, most importantly, star in Conan the Destroyer and A View to a Kill.
And after that, she was never heard from again.
I’m just kidding. After that, she went on to record more albums, the most recent being 2008′s Hurricane, and star in a few more movies, including 2001′s Wolf Girl, with Tim Curry, for some sort of who’s the scariest competition or something, I don’t know.
She’s also been ranked #82 on VH1′s 100 Greatest Women of Rock ‘n Roll, ranked #19 in Channel 5′s “World’s greatest supermodel” (and if anyone knows what Channel 5 is and why we should care, alert me), but more importantly, she is “the Queen of Gay Discos.”
Tragically, Jones has been keeping out of the spotlight lately, and, even more tragically, has inspired artists like Lady Gaga, whom I might respect more if she was in a Conan movie, but probably not.
Also, there’s some sort of movement on her IMDB page wondering why she wasn’t cast as Storm in the X-Men movies, so there you go.
So I have this disease that when I see the name Eileen, I immediately start singing C’mon Eileen.
And I just wanted to share that with you all. (By which I mean, enjoy the video!)
Dear Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version),
I love you.
Well, not really in the romantic sense, or the “got to know him and thought he was really neat” sense. More in the “holy shit, look at those arms!” sense.
So, I guess, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version), what I’m saying is I lust after you. Especially your arms, because they are amazing. Your arms are like if the best-written poetry in the world was hot. Maybe that simile doesn’t work for you. It probably shouldn’t because it’s completely nonsensical, but everything else I thought of was beyond sacriligeous and I figure, why tempt God more than I already have, you know?
Anyway, Wolverine, I just want you to know I have watched nearly every movie you’ve been in, even the third X-Men movie, because the first two were really good and I didn’t realize that the third would be such a steaming pile. I didn’t watch that prequel, though, despite the trailers showing you murdering the hell out of a helicopter.
It’s not because I don’t love you. It’s just that I don’t love you quite that much, I guess.
Also, like I said before, it’s less love and more lust, so you can see why I didn’t want to submit myself to the pain.
(Although I do think Liev Schreiber is awesome.)
(And helicopter murder is also awesome.)
(Well, not in real life, because there’s probably innocent people in there, but it makes for a cool effect in a movie.)
Also, Wolverine (Hugh Jackman version), thanks to my viewing of three out of four of your films and my scant knowledge of your comic book counterpart, I am aware that every woman you love comes to a bad end.
And I just want you to know that that’s okay. I mean, you read that thing above about me tempting God, right? I’m pretty much guaranteed a bad end as it is, so I might as well go out in style.
(Was that too subtle? I hope it wasn’t too subtle.)
Just think about it, that’s all I’m saying.
I hate movies like that. If I wanted to think, I’d be reading or something, not watching a movie.
But what can I tell you about Clint Eastwood’s Hereafter? Well, that scene with the tsunami (I assume? It’s a bunch of water going where water shouldn’t, and it looks like a wave) is pretty impressive looking, and it had me going why aren’t you people running? You should be running! For the love of Bruce Campbell, start running! Then they did start running and I was like, FINALLY!
And they got another creepy child actor for this flick. That’s great! (Actually, it’s twins, so it’s two creepy child actors, which is twice as great!)
And Matt Damon still isn’t handsome, so I won’t even complain about that anymore. I mean, what’s the poor bastard going to do at this point? Plastic surgery is out: people know his face. I guess he’s a good actor or something, but he keeps being in movies I don’t want to watch, so I don’t know.
But, overall? The 2.5 minute trailer bored me. Bored, boring, boreder. And if that was only a 2.5 minute trailer, imagine how bored I would be during the actual film!
Where are the ninja? I would lean over and say to you, and you’d be all, shut up. And then I’d be like, if this is about life after death, shouldn’t there be some zombies? And then you’d punch me, and then we’d regret going to the movies together.
So you can go without me. Have fun!
So, trying out an experiment on this here blog. There’s a lot of actors/one-hit wonders/famous people that I’ve been wondering what became of them. Especially since I started re-watching Twin Peaks, because that show was apparently the death knell for a lot of actors. (Or was it? Pretty sure it was.)
In these posts, I will address “Whatever Happened to …” so and so through some creative use of googling. (By creative, I mean typing in their names and reading some stuff about them. Possibly on wikipedia, which is always truthful because the general public edits it.) But hopefully, it will be more entertaining than reading their imdb page, because I aim to please. Myself, mostly, but hopefully my tens of readers as well.
So, let’s kick things off with our boy Dana Ashbrook, most famously known as Bobby Briggs on Twin Peaks.
Dana Ashbrook’s career began in 1978, when he starred in Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! as “Boy on Boat.” I guess “starred” might be too strong a word.
Anyway, he went on to be featured in shows like Cagney & Lacey, Knots Landing and 21 Jump Street, before landing the plum role of “Guy who makes out with Madchen Amick a lot” on Twin Peaks.
After that, I thought he died or something, but it turns out he’s been keeping himself busy doing a bunch of things I don’t actually care about. He starred as Clyde in a TV movie version of Bonnie & Clyde, and he was on episodes of The Pretender (remember that show? Yeah, me neither.) and Charmed, and apparently had a recurring role on Dawson’s Creek.
And of course he’s been on an episode of Law & Order: SVU, because who hasn’t at this point?
Also, he’s been playing “Jimmy” in the television series Crash, which I think was based on the movie Crash, but not the one about people who got aroused by car wrecks.
Also, imdb says: “In his spare time, he plays basketball and tennis. He is also an accomplished harmonica player.” So there’s that.
In conclusion, Dana Ashbrook is not dead, and is probably making a pretty decent living as an actor. Now you know, and I like quoting G.I. Joe. And rhyming. I like rhyming too.