So I had already planned to do a “Whatever Happened to …” Piper Laurie today, and then I saw that Leslie Nielsen died, and I cursed Thanksgiving, the murdering bastard that it is. (Seriously, check your local papers the weekend/week after Thanksgiving. There’s a definite increase in obituaries, and I say that as someone who input 25 obituaries today.) So I just sat back, crossed my fingers and said, “Man, I hope Piper Laurie’s not dead too.”
And she’s not! (Yet.) (Stupid murderous Thanksgiving.)
If you’ve never heard of Piper Laurie, you are either a teenager or dead. The woman’s been starring in movies and television series since the 1950s. But after Twin Peaks, I really lost track of her.
Apparently, I was dead, because she’s been really, really busy.
(I’m sorry, Piper Laurie! It’s just that I don’t get out to the movies very often, and I hardly ever watch anything that’s not Chuck!)
If you take a peek at the talented Ms. Laurie’s IMDB page, you will see her list of roles after Twin Peaks is a lot longer than most Twin Peaks’ alums ENTIRE list of roles, because the world at large agrees she is awesome.
Some highlights include a role in something called Wrestling Ernest Hemingway in 1993, which I can only hope was about real wrestling and not metaphorical wrestling, and, knowing Papa H., probably was. She was in a couple of episodes of ER in the mid-1990s as someone named Sarah Ross, which makes me think she probably played George Clooney’s mother, which would be, also, awesome.
She’s had guest roles in Diagnosis Murder, Touched by an Angel, Frasier and Cold Case (but not L&O:SVU, because L&O:SVU is not as awesome as Cold Case. (I assume, I mean, I’ve never even heard of Cold Case until now, but they got Piper Laurie and that other show didn’t.))
More recently, she was in something called Bad Blood … the Hunger, because why not, you know? Her most recent role is in the film Art’s Demise, which comes out in 2011, and also has another awesome actor, Harry Dean Stanton and also that guy who cut off the cop’s ear in Reservoir Dogs. So that looks promising.
So, in conclusion, Piper Laurie is still alive and has been acting her little tail off, and I guess I need to watch some movies or something. Oh, and also, I didn’t know she was born as Rosetta Jacobs, I always figured it was Laurie Piper or something. Or that she’s Hugh’s auntie.
I can only assume that is why Hollywood put Cher (!!!!!) and Veronica Mars (!!!!) in the same (!!!!) movie(!!!!)!!!!
Oh, yeah, and Christina Aguilera is in it too.
So Burlesque looks like one of those Hollywood musicals that have enjoyed a bit of a resurgence lately, or else Showgirls with less nudity. The trailer‘s only two and a half minutes long. It’s hard to tell.
But what I can tell is that:
Cher does not actually melt under all that lighting like you kind of expect she would do.
Stanley Tucci is in the movie for some reason, possibly because some Hollywood producer said, “We can’t make a movie and call it Burlesque and NOT put Stanley Tucci in it,” and then snorted some cocaine, I don’t know.
Christina Aguilera seems to be acting her little heart out, which goes about as well as you would expect, but it’s nice to see her trying. (Actually, she’s not as terrible as some singers who attempt acting, and I just *heart* all her little wigs.)
Veronica Mars currently has yet to find a career trajectory that is consistent and awesome.
There’s a lot of shimmying and sparkly costumes.
There’s some kind of romance storyline shoehorned in there, but who cares because of the aforementioned shimmying.
And … that is all. Really, this movie looks like a big fluffy ball of fluffiness, and it has Cher and Veronica Mars, so I can’t hate it on principle. But I can forget it exists, and I assure you that I will do that as soon as this post is finished.
Remember Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? I know the part you’re remembering right now is the part where they rip that guy’s heart out before sending him into a pit of fire, but I want you to think harder, and remember Indy’s sidekick.
That’s right. Shortround.
Unless you remember Goonies, which I obviously don’t, or I’d've remembered that one Hobbit being in it, that was the last time you saw Jonathan Ke Quan on the big screen.
So what has he been doing since then? And what was he doing prior to then?
Ke Huy-Quan was born in 1971 in Vietnam, and speaks fluent English, Vietnamese, Mandarin and Cantonese, which is four more languages than most Internet users are fluent in, ha-ha, zing. Anyway, his family was selected for political asylum in the United States when he was young, which is already pretty lucky, but then he gets to star in a movie with a young Harrison Ford? I mean, no wonder he hasn’t done much acting since then. How could he improve on that, you know?
So Jonathan Ke Quan’s career began with The Temple of Doom in 1984, continued with The Goonies in 1985, and then went into hibernation mode as he starred in a TV series I’ve never heard of from 1986 to ’87, called “Together We Stand,” which is described as a “formulaic, inoffensive couple-with-kids sitcom.” Apparently, it was originally conceived as a Brady Bunch spin-off, so I already hate it.
He then had a part in a Japanese movie that even IMDB isn’t sure it’s heard of, and then was on another sitcom in the early ’90s, Head of the Class. (It starred that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati, remember?) (And now you know: yes, I am much, much older than you.)
He had a few more roles after that, most recently in Second Time Around, which is a time-travel drama about gambling. That was in 2002.
So what the hell’s he been doing for the last eight years? Does Harrison write?
Well, it turns out that, like my hero Tak Sakaguchi, Jonathan Ke Quan went on to become a stunt choreographer! Maybe he and Tak Sakaguchi are friends. That would be so awesome.
Ke Quan worked on stunt choreography in X-Men and The One, that Jet Li movie I watched because it had Jet Li in it. Actually, it had multiple Jet Lis in it because it was some sort of multiverse story. So we got to see Jet Li fighting Jet Li! I can’t believe I didn’t go blind from the power of the awesome.
And, um, those movies came out a long time ago, but that’s the most recent information the Internet has on Ke Quan, so I hope things are going OK for him now.
Because I’m feeling bad about my Harry Potter anti-review being not very funny at all, here’s a list of ways to tell if the boy you’re dating is not only a boy but also a wizard.
If it’s also not funny, I intend to blame J.K. Rowling.
So you’ve met this great guy, and you’ve been dating for a while. He’s a little odd. Not a vampire, like whatsername’s boyfriend, or Superman, like your friend Lois’s man, but there’s something slightly supernatural about him. So maybe he’s a wizard, maybe he’s not. But possibly he is. Are there surefire signs that you can watch for to prove he is a boy wizard? Of course there are!
(I might have made up some to most of these surefire signs.)
Here they are:
1. Does he use magic? This is generally a pretty strong indicator that you are dating a boy wizard, but you have to be careful as the magic user category also encompasses warlocks, magicians and some anime characters. So, while helpful to know that, yes, he does use magic, it’s not completely damning.
2. Does he have a book of magic? If he has the Books of Magic, then he is probably a Neil Gaiman fan. Warn him not to buy the expanded series, because that’s written by a totally different/much weaker writer.
If he has a book of magic, he’s either one of those damn Wiccans who use that stuff to feel all empowered and shit, or he’s seriously using it to cook up some magic. If it’s the latter, you run into all the issues you came up against in the first question, like maybe he’s a warlock, magician or anime character.
3. Is he an anime character? If the answer is no, odds are increased that he is a boy wizard. If your boyfriend is an anime character, it’s possible he’s a boy wizard, but it’s more likely he was possessed by a fox spirit or is a shinigami.
4. Does he wear a cape and a funny pointed hat? I include the funny pointed hat because if he’s just wearing a cape, he’s probably a superhero, which is a whole ‘nother species of weirdo altogether. If he’s wearing the funny pointed hat too, he could be in the midst of some stupid fraternity stunt if they even do those anymore, or he’s wearing it ironically, which means he’s an ass and you should dump him, or maybe he’s a boy wizard.
5. Is his father a demon? I don’t mean, like, his dad disapproves of your love and is a real dick about it. I mean like an actual, from-hell demon. Merlin’s father was a demon, and Merlin was totally a wizard. Although sometimes he was called a magician. I think that was mostly for the alliteration though.
6. Did he go to wizard school? I mean, who even has wizard school?
That’s just ridiculous. It’s like going to ninja school or having a school for mutants and … oh. Right.
7. Does he have a familiar? If his familiar is a green tiger who wears armor, you’re dating He-Man!
He may be one of the Masters of the Universe, but he’s not a boy wizard. If his familiar is not a green tiger who wears armor, then chances are good that your boyfriend is a boy wizard. Although maybe you should ask him if that thing is just a pet, because it could be.
8. Does he pal around with people that can undoubtedly be described as “wizard-like”? That is, do the majority of his friends have long, white bears and magic wands? If they do, he is almost certainly a boy wizard.
9. When things are at their worst, is he often saved by some sort of deus ex machina? I’ve heard this is a common trait for boy wizards, or perhaps it’s just the earmark of a bad writer.
10. And, finally, the question I had nine other questions to lead up to: Have you just asked him if he’s a boy wizard? If he says yes, you really could’ve saved yourself a lot of legwork here.
So, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows opens this weekend, which I didn’t know because I don’t care.
I haven’t read a single book, I haven’t watched a single movie, and I don’t intend to start now.
(OK, I started to read the first book, but after 23 pages in, I realized the writing wasn’t going to get any better, and I gave up.)
That said, I tried to watch this trailer so I could at least talk about what goes on in it, but after suffering through the most boring opening ever, even the throbbing symphonic music couldn’t convince me to keep going. I did catch a glimpse of a dragon or something before I completely gave up, so I can tell you that this movie probably has a dragon in it or a thing that looks like a dragon.
In conclusion, since you already like Harry Potter, you will enjoy this movie. (I’m just assuming that you like Harry Potter.)
A thing that I think hairdressers need to do is, when they get certified as specialists in the “Brazilian Blowout,” they should make sure and say that it is a hair-styling technique.
Are you sitting down? I hope you’re sitting down. Because if you’re not sitting down, you’re standing up (or possibly lying down, I guess, or propped up against something, or maybe even curled up in the fetal position), which makes working at the computer difficult.
(By “working at the computer,” rest assured that I mean “reading my blog.”)
OK, so are you sitting down now?
Are you ready? Are you totally ready? I know that you think you’re ready, but maybe you’re not ready. In fact, you’re almost certainly not ready for the wave of awesome that I am about to unleash on you.
Are you ready?
USA’s Psych has an upcoming epsiode featuring — are you sure you’re ready for this? Because this is so awesome, you don’t even know! — the entire cast of Twin Peaks!
OK, maybe they didn’t say “entire.” Maybe they just said “cast.” But they definitely said the “of Twin Peaks” part.
I know, it’s OK. I wet myself a little too, when I heard.
Isn’t this just the best news ever? Right? Anyone?
Jeremy, you care, right?
And that movie is Legend, because it’s got unicorns and fair folk and Tim Curry.
And also: Mia Sara, which is way easier to pronounce than Mia Sarapocciello, the name she was born with.
And by the way, I haven’t seen Mia Sara in a film since Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and why did I watch that, anyway?
What has the lovely Ms. Sara/Sarapocciello been up to lately?
Mia Sara got her start in Legend, which I already knew. Well, I didn’t know that was her first film, because who leaps directly from obscurity to starring role? She followed that up with Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which I also already knew, but I guess I had forgotten those two movies came out so near in time to each other.
After that, I swear, she never saw the big screen again. (OK, maybe she did, but certainly not in movies I’ve ever heard of before.)
She followed up her role as Ferris Bueller’s girlfriend by starring in the TV movie Queenie, which makes me think of that PJ Harvey song “50 Ft. Queenie,” which is probably even dirtier than I think it is.
Queenie is the story of a “half-caste beauty” (I know, right?) and her pursuit of fame and fortune. Possibly more interesting than the tale of an average-looking woman of ordinary descent pursuing mediocrity, but not possibly more interesting enough.
In 1988, she starred in a couple of films that aren’t even good enough to be sold as individual DVDs, and are packaged with other films of that same ilk. I know you think you want to know the names of these films, but really, it doesn’t matter.
She killed time in the ’90s by starring in more TV movies (or at least appearing in them; I actually got bored and didn’t click on the titles to check her billing), guest-starring on TV shows and more of those awful, awful movies that no one ever sees, except when they accidentally go in the wrong theater and then they’re too lazy to leave.
In 1994, she was in Timecop, so that’s … something.
In the 00s, which I should hope you know I’m pronouncing in my head as “the aughts,” her most interesting thing was playing Dr. Harleen Quinzel in Birds of Prey, which I did know was a series, but did not know managed to last for a whole eight episodes.
In 2007, she guest-starred on CSI:NY, because I guess Law & Order: SVU can’t cast everybody, but give them time, they will manage it.
Her most recent project is The Witches of Oz, which I see as a step up for her because Christopher Lloyd is in it, and what that he touches does not turn into gold, you know?
Also, it’s got a hobbit. Not the one I’ve heard of.
The other one.
Oh, and she does have a pilot’s license, so that’s cool.
Dear Inigo Montoya,
Westley, Buttercup’s true love, is cute and all, don’t get me wrong, but he’s also that thing I said right after his name: Buttercup’s true love. Also, lately he’s been in a couple of the Saw movies, and that makes me sad.
But you, Inigo Montoya, you (as far as I know) have never been in any of the Saw movies, even though you are (were?) on some TV show I never watch (watched?).
That’s OK, though, Inigo Montoya, because you are a hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting type, and if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I love hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting types.
(Also pretty-boy Asian types, but that’s got naught to do with you, Inigo Montoya!)
Let me list the reasons I love you:
1. My name is Inigo Montoya.
2. You killed my father.
3. Prepare to die.
That is so hot, Inigo Montoya. I love a man whose filial devotion leads him to the pursuit of sword-fightery (whoo! I’m like the Shakespeare of the new millenium, all those words I make up!) and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge. I’m all for revenge, Inigo Montoya, and I even have a list of those who have wronged me from grade school on up, if you find yourself bored with the (movie!) pirate life.
(Seriously, it’s a long list.)
(I never forget a slight, people!)
Anyway, Inigo Montoya, if you’re looking for a vengeance-filled relationship, I am your gal. Also, if you’re not looking for that, and you just want to show off your fencing skills, I, too, am that gal. If you want a gal who still uses the word gal — that’s right, bub: I’m your gal.
We could be so revengeful together.
It would be beautiful.
Why, why, WHY would anyone make a medley of Christmas music and combine it with John Philip Sousa’s Stars and Stripes Forever?
(If the answer isn’t “Because the baby Jesus hates you,” then I don’t know what the hell.)