Dear Inigo Montoya,
Westley, Buttercup’s true love, is cute and all, don’t get me wrong, but he’s also that thing I said right after his name: Buttercup’s true love. Also, lately he’s been in a couple of the Saw movies, and that makes me sad.
But you, Inigo Montoya, you (as far as I know) have never been in any of the Saw movies, even though you are (were?) on some TV show I never watch (watched?).
That’s OK, though, Inigo Montoya, because you are a hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting type, and if there’s one thing I know about myself, it’s that I love hot-blooded Latin sword-fighting types.
(Also pretty-boy Asian types, but that’s got naught to do with you, Inigo Montoya!)
Let me list the reasons I love you:
1. My name is Inigo Montoya.
2. You killed my father.
3. Prepare to die.
That is so hot, Inigo Montoya. I love a man whose filial devotion leads him to the pursuit of sword-fightery (whoo! I’m like the Shakespeare of the new millenium, all those words I make up!) and the unrelenting pursuit of revenge. I’m all for revenge, Inigo Montoya, and I even have a list of those who have wronged me from grade school on up, if you find yourself bored with the (movie!) pirate life.
(Seriously, it’s a long list.)
(I never forget a slight, people!)
Anyway, Inigo Montoya, if you’re looking for a vengeance-filled relationship, I am your gal. Also, if you’re not looking for that, and you just want to show off your fencing skills, I, too, am that gal. If you want a gal who still uses the word gal — that’s right, bub: I’m your gal.
We could be so revengeful together.
It would be beautiful.