Customer service
Caller: Yeah, I’m calling about the article that was in the paper.
Me: I’m sorry, could you be more specific?
Caller: Oh, sure. It was in yesterday’s paper.
Me: … Could you be more specific than that?
Caller: It was the one about the guy! You know! The guy!
Pictured here: the bane of my existence.
Why do “family and friends” get all the love?
When I die, I want to have a reception for strangers and enemies.
Then they can be all like, "Ha ha ha, she's finally dead!"
Another missing Twin Peaks alum: found!
So, Sherilyn Fenn, right?
Riiiiiiight.
So pretty, right?
She's got this whole "ingenue" thing going on, don't you think?
And crazy, too, right? I mean, in the “actress who prefers independent films to actually making money” sense of the word. I mean, sure, it’s an art, but what do you do when you can’t afford cocktail wieners, Sherilyn? What do you do then????
Do you sneak into receptions after funerals to get your cocktail wiener fix? Because I've heard that works.
Anyway, Sherilyn Fenn’s career peaked in the early ’90s with her role as Audrey Horne on Twin Peaks. (Because I say it peaked then, that’s why.) What has she been up to since then? Well, to find out, first we need to take a look at her past. (Because I say we do, that’s why.)
I just want you to know that she still looks absolutely awesome.
Fenn’s career began with a role in 1984′s Wild Life, which I want you to know starred Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz and Rick Moranis, making it the most ’80s movie I’ve never heard of. Also, I feel like here is as good a place as any to insert that when she was born in 1965, her name was Sheryl Ann.
Errr, close, but no cigar.
Her next appearance was in the made for TV movie Silence of the Heart, which I think I actually watched at a friend’s house, and is about a guy named Skip who killed himself. Probably because his name is Skip, because who would want to live saddled with that moniker?
She appeared on an episode of Cheers in the ’80s, and was in 1987′s Zombie High as Suzi “with an i.” (I don’t know if she actually ever said that, but you would have to assume she must’ve.) Also in the ’80s, she was an an Afterschool Special (remember those things? Whatever became of them?) And also something called True Blood, which has nothing to do with HBO’s gothic vampire series. Her career plodded along briefly along those lines until boom! David Lynch put her in Twin Peaks. (And her career peaked, as I already mentioned.)
Even if they did throw in some lame romantic subplot for her once it became clear she and Kyle MacLachlan hated each other's guts.
(Actually, he had previously worked with her on Wild at Heart, but since her role was “Girl in accident,” I wasn’t sure if that was worth mentioning.)
Things continued to look bright for Fenn in the early ’90s, with roles in Of Mice and Men and … Boxing Helena, which was Jennifer Chambers Lynch’s directorial debut and possibly her attempt to out-crazy her father.
So you don't waste your time: Apparently, the twist is that the whole thing is a dream and you just watched a movie about a woman getting her legs and arms amputated that didn't actually happen, joke's on you, sucker!
In retrospect, taking that role may have been a mistake, as she followed it up with 1993′s Three of Hearts (not worth explaining) and Fatal Instinct, one of those spoofs that wasn’t as funny as Airplane!. (That’s all of them, by the by.)
For what it's worth, in 1995, she did play Elizabeth Taylor, which I can't imagine is as cool as BEING Elizabeth Taylor, but it's close.
Some TV movies here, small roles on Friends there, until Rude Awakening, a sitcom that ran between 1998 and 2001, and that I have never heard of until just this very moment. Anyway, Fenn starred in that, so bully for her! More TV movies and guest roles followed, including one on Law & Order: SVU in 2002, because CSI: NY wasn’t around yet, I guess, and later one on NCIS, because go to hell CSI: Miami! Also, and I think this is great, she played Dr. Harleen Quinzel in the unaired pilot of Birds of Prey, a role later co-opted by previous Whatever Happened to …? Mia Sara! Worlds collided! Boom!
Maybe they got rid of her because Mia Sara made a better blonde?
In 2003, she was in something called Dream Warrior, which I’m only including because the title makes me laugh a little, and 2004 saw her in a role in the TV movie Mr. Ed. Yes, about the talking horse. She had a recurring role on David E. Kelley’s Boston Public and finally did get that role on CSI: Miami in 2006. Hell, she was even on Gilmore Girls, a show I never watched. She also had a role on House, but by then they were really focusing on that damn Olivia Wilde’s boring character instead of Hugh Laurie, so I didn’t see it.
I don't care how cool the promo art is, you have broken my heart, House, and I refuse to watch you anymore.
And most recently, she was on that episode of Psych that featured the cast of Twin Peaks, and God bless her for it.
We all need to eat sometimes, Sherilyn. Nobody blames you.
The movies I’m not seeing this Christmas
The thing I hate about Christmas, other than spending all that time with my family and having to be sober for at least part of it, is all the awful movies that come out over the holiday weekend.
For every True Grit, you’ve got Little Fockers and Gulliver’s Travels. And, to add insult to injury, please don’t forget that somebody made a Yogi Bear movie and it opened last weekend.
Because Hollywood hates us, that's why.
So why am I not watching Little Fockers? For the same reason I didn’t watch Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers, because fock Ben Stiller, that’s why. (You see what I did there? Because their last name sounds like a swear? Ah ha ha ha, it’s still not funny, Hollywood, you bastards.) But seriously, why is this even a franchise?
I'm seriously asking, you guys.
And Gulliver’s Travels as a vehicle for Jack Black. Now there’s a phrase that strikes dread into my heart. I know there must be people out there who think Jack Black is great, but I don’t know who they are and I kind of hate them anyway. Jack Black is like take everything about Will Ferrell and make it fatter, and there you have it.
Oh, and go ahead and put it in short pants while you're at it, why not.
Family movies. Goddammit.
Yeah, go see True Grit instead, because Jeff Bridges is totally in it.
A love letter to Sgt. Nicholas Angel
Dear Nicholas Angel,
I love you.
Every time I watch Hot Fuzz, I want to have Simon Pegg’s little redheaded babies.
I love everything about you.
From the way you leap over things to the way you do flips over things, I love you.
I forgot to mention that I think I love you the most when you’re leaping over things while shooting your gun.
For your unerring accuracy with an air pistol, I love you.
You are my perfect man.
For the way you carry two spare pens with you, I love you. For the way you ride white horses while loaded down with more artillery than I’ve ever seen in my life, I love you.
I couldn’t find any pictures of you riding said horse, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to let you know I also appreciate the way you walk while carrying that many guns, omigod you are so hot.
I love the way you’re ready and willing to do paperwork on all those people you’ve arrested. I love the way you insist on saying “police officer” instead of “policeman.”
You are so PC, and that is just so cute, I swear.
I love the way you say “Yarb” when you’re fooling the bad guys.
I love the way you raise a Japanese peace lily only to use it for bashing in the head of the guy who says “Yarb.”
It shows both dedication and a willingness to bust people’s heads open.
I love the way you rescue stray swans.
Hell, I even love you when you’re getting outwitted by stray swans.
I love the way you say “collision” instead of “accident” because accident implies no one is at fault.
I love the way you wear a vest.
Also the way you wear sunglasses.
And I know that Danny Butterman is your soul mate, and that’s OK. I want you to know that I don’t mind.
He is, after all, quite loveable.
I will totally take sloppy seconds.
Please don’t look at me like that. It’s only because I love you so much.
Ralphie Parker vs. Ralph Wiggum
Well, Christmas is almost here and, to celebrate, we’re having a battle of Ralphs.
One is Ralphie Parker, the hero of A Christmas Story and desirer of ”an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time.”
The other is Chief Wiggum’s boy.
I love that he manages to smile like that right before Santa kicks him in the face.
Ralph Wiggum, seen here in a traditional pose.
Which Ralph will come out triumphant? And what does this have to do with Christmas? Find out now!
Phsyicality. Ralphie Parker is a blonde, glasses-wearing, blue-eyed cutie-pie.
Especially when you put him in pink bunny pajamas.
Ralph Wiggum is yellow, four-fingered and appears to be balding at the age of 8.
Also, he usually has something stuck in his nose.
Winner? Ralphie.
Shows more taste in his unrequited crushes? Viewers of A Christmas Story will say, “What unrequited crush?” to which I say, “Exactly.” Ralph Wiggum, on the other hand, has loved Lisa Simpson from afar (and a-near) for years, and who doesn’t love Lisa Simpson? Winner? Ralph Wiggum.
Besides, only the classiest of girls wear pearls every day.
More likely to shoot his eye out? Ralphie Parker, despite being warned more than once throughout the course of A Christmas Story, very nearly does shoot out his eye the very first time he uses his brand new BB gun. On the other hand, Ralph Wiggum. Winner? A tie in uncoordination and lack of firearm safety.
Who let Ralph have a gun?
Ralphie, no! You'll shoot your eye out! For reals this time!
Makes you think of Christmas? Ralphie Parker stars in that holiday classic, A Christmas Story, which even has the word “Christmas” in the title. (Also the words “A” and “Story,” but those are less important right now.) When you think of Christmas, it’s hard not to think of Ralphie Parker. And vice versa, I guess. Ralph Wiggum is a tertiary character on the Simpsons, which has had a lot of Christmas episodes. While not as awesome as their Halloween, episodes, they’re still pretty damn good. Winner? I’m sorry, but Ralphie takes this one.
Man, now I really want to watch The Shinning.
Has more interesting friends? Ralphie’s best friends are Flick, the kid who stuck his tongue to a flagpole after being triple-dog-dared, and Schwartz, the kid who triple-dog-dared him. I’m not sure that Ralph Wiggum has any friends that aren’t make-believe. I mean, that’s interesting, but more in a “poor Ralph Wiggum” way. Winner? Ralphie Parker.
It's very disillusioning to me to know that Flick went on to star in loads of "adult films."
Faces indignity after indignity? Ralpie, in the course of A Christmas Story, gets a low grade on his theme paper, learns that his Little Orphan Annie decoder is actually an advertising tool, gets soap put in his mouth and faces the school bully. That’s a lot of indignities for one 9-year-old to bear. On the other hand, Ralph Wiggum. Winner? Ralph Wiggum.
Has a cooler dad? Ralph Wiggum’s dad is Police Chief Wiggum. It’s pretty cool to have a police chief for a dad, even if he is slightly corrupt and mostly stupid.
Also incompetent.
But Ralphie Parker’s dad is Darren McGavin. That’s right. The Night Stalker. Winner? Ralphie Parker.
Sure, it would be cooler to be Batman's kid, but you've got to take what you can get.
Overall winner? Ralphie Parker, because Christmas comes once a year for us all.
God bless us all, every one.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about boys named Edward
Remember Terminator 2? Remember Edward Furlong? Such promise he held! That snazzy 1990s haircut!
Actually, the hair doesn't look too bad here.
The delivery of lines containing horribly, horribly outdated lingo! The way he had a pet terminator! Things could only go up from there, skyrocketing him into a career filled with awesome roles and busty supermodel girlfriends.
Just think of all the Calvin Klein model tail he got after this shoot.
Except that didn’t really happen.
"Is it because of my hair?"
Or if it did, it happened quietly in, like, Europe or somewhere.
So, as I wondered, “where have you been, Edward Furlong,” I set my crack team on the trail. Or went to IMDb, one of the two.
As we all know, Edward Furlong’s career began when he was thrust into the spotlight with Terminator 2. It seems to be a trend among child actors that they get cast in some awesome sequel to a previous awesome movie and then disappear forever. (See: Ke Quan, Jonathan for a striking example of this phenomenon.)
He followed up that piece of cinematic greatness with a role in American Heart, which sounds kind of familiar to me, but I don’t think I actually know what it is.
I wonder if Jeff Bridges' moustache is listed in the credits too.
Then, of course, we all know he starred in Pet Sematary II, which … wait. They made a sequel to Pet Sematary? I actually remember watching this movie, which means, in 1992, my love for Edward Furlong must have been great indeed.
I'm so ashamed of myself for watching this.
Moving right along, he’s actually gotten plum roles in some fun little flicks, like John Waters’ Pecker, which is less about dick than you would imagine, but also completely forgettable. He was in American History X with Edward Norton, which I totally did not know, probably because critics only ever mention Norton and I have never actually seen the film. In 1999, he was in something called Detroit Rock City, which was about teens trying to get into a KISS concert, and I already don’t care.
Then came the 00s, when his career kind of imploded or something. I mean he was in a French film. A French film! No one stars in French films except the French! (Note: this film could also be Italian, but my point still stands.) Then it was on to 3 Blind Mice, because every actor from the ’90s has been contracturally scripted into movies about the Internet. There’s, like, a law or something. Then he was in a Crow sequel, because Hollywood kept making those for some reason, and, for the Buffy fans among you, it also stars David Boreanz, but you probably knew that already. That was an excessively long sentence, and I apologize for that.
I'm not, however, going to apologize for pointing out that he looks a lot like a girl here.
After that, there were a bunch more movies that I didn’t even know existed, like 2006′s Warriors of Terra and 2009′s Night of the Demons. On the bright side, Edward Furlong is still getting a paycheck. On the much less bright side, it’s for stuff like that, you know?
From 2006 to 2010, our boy Edward has had a recurring role on CSI: NY, so I guess if I watched that I would’ve known he’s not dead, just like Gary Sinise!! But I don’t watch it, so I guess Edward and Gary are both dead to me.
Eh, at least it's not CSI: Miami.
Then, Eddie’s got a bunch of films in post-production, including The Green Hornet, which I can’t decide whether I should be excited or filled with dread about, as Tupper. I don’t know who Tupper is, but I’ve only seen three episodes of The Green Hornet ever, so for all I know, he’s the Green Hornet’s long-lost twin brother. But probably not, since Seth Rogen is playing the Green Hornet.
I suppose he could be Seth Rogen's long-lost FRATERNAL twin brother.
Also, did you guys know that Edward has an album that was released in Japan? I’m not sure the Japanese even knew that. He has suffered from problems with drugs and alcohol, which I can only assume led to him being romantically linked with Paris Hilton.
This is why you shouldn't do drugs, kids. You could end up dating Paris Hilton.
At least Paris Hilton isn't in this picture, but it's still a good case for not doing drugs.
I feel I should insert here that he has also had issues with his weight.
So there you go. It turns out little Eddie Furlong has not quit making movies and is, in fact, rather successful, and I just need to get to the theaters or the Redbox more.
A love letter to Father Tres Iqus
Dear Father Tres,
I don’t want the fact that you’re a (gunslinging android) priest to be a barrier to our love. In fact, part of the reason I love you is because you’re a priest! The other part of the reason is the gunslinging android thing, because who doesn’t love a gunslinging android? (Other than my mom, who always rolls her eyes and mutters something about “where did I go wrong?” and “at least I have your brother” when I talk about androids, gunslinging or no.)
C'mon, Mom, how can you not love an android with snazzy hair like that?
In fact, Father Tres, if I had to sit down and come up with my favorite thing about you, it would be the gunslinging. With the “android priest” part coming in a close second.
Yeah. Definitely the gunslinging.
And let’s not let the androidness of yourself get in the way of our love! I mean, things worked out for Helo and Athena, right?
Gods, they are so pretty.
I mean, sure, you’re 600 pounds of pure killing machine, but that’s all right. I love you for it! I love the way you’re shooting things and speaking all robotically. That’s so hot, Father Tres.
You are the only reason I keep reading the Trinity Blood series, Father Tres.
And I’m sure you’re wondering right now what I would bring to our relationship, and I am telling you: absolutely nothing. Do you know why, Father Tres? It’s because you’re an android, and thus can be programmed to love me despite (or perhaps even because of!) my foibles. I like the word foibles, and with the help of a wrench, soon you will too, Father Tres!
So ditch that damn Abel Nightroad and give this some consideration. Like, .7 seconds worth.
If he spent more time shooting things and less time being all wishy-washy, I'm sure I'd like him better.
Kisses!
And if you're not available, could you get me this guy's number?
Tron Legacy is so shiny and pretty, omigod
Shiny! Pretty! Oooooooh!
For the things Tron Legacy got right, I can forgive it for the things it got wrong.
For instance, it got right not casting Shia LaBeouf as Sam Flynn. Even though I’ve never heard of Garrett Hedlund before, I really appreciate that he’s not Shia LaBeouf. That’s great news. Just great!
For an actor, not being Shia LaBeouf is even more awesome than not being Keanu Reeves.
Also, they got Jeff Bridges back, who is awesome.
Ooooooooh!
Also, the special effects are great. So shiny, squee!
Shiny!
And Olivia Wilde is totally beautiful.
And she has one of those light-up disc things.
As far as the things they got wrong, only two things stood out for me:
Young Jeff Bridges just doesn’t look human enough. The good news is, Young Jeff Bridges is a computer program or whatever, so he doesn’t have to look all that human, so it’s OK. Although still a bit creepy.
Please let this not become a thing for all movies that want to cast aging actors as their younger selves, please, please, PLEASE.
Olivia Wilde is an awfully wooden actress, but I think in this case, that will work to her favor, like Keanu Reeves’ wooden performance as Neo in The Matrix. So it’s also not a big issue, but I just can’t forgive her for ruining House for me, so I thought I should mention it.
Gah! You House-ruining ... so. Pretty.
So, I forgive you, Disney, for ruining every fairy tale ever because I like shiny things.
So. Shiny.
Faye Valentine vs. Winry Rockbell
Faye Valentine is the busty, space-traveling, cyber-sleeping, con artist-ing sex symbol of Cowboy Bebop. (Well, the sex symbol for those who swing that way, because we all know there’s no sexier anime character than Spike Spiegel.)
Mrow.
Winry Rockbell is the blonde, wrench-swinging, automail-repairing, bandana-wearing … er … chick from Fullmetal Alchemist. There are other female characters in Fullmetal Alchemist, but Winry just seems like the one who’s best described as a “chick,” you know?
Yes, I'm a little afraid to describe Riza Hawkeye as a "chick."
What do these two ladies have in common?
Outside of being drawn in Japan, I can't think of anything.
Blondes have more fun or something.
Probably not much, actually, but all my guy friends seem to think Winry is sexy for some damn reason, so let’s battle to see where my true bias lays.
Physicality. Faye Valentine is a tall, dark-haired drink of water who manages to look good in a weird yellow jumpsuit thing with these suspenders and why does she even bother wearing that red jacket if she’s not going to cover her shoulders? Winry Rockbell is tall (-er than Edward Elric), blonde and … actually, that’s all that sticks out for me. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Is a more badass chick? Faye Valentine travels through space, seeking bounties, pulling cons and shooting people with her spaceship’s laser gun. When she makes a confession of love, she does it by shooting at you, because that is how she rolls. Winry Rockbell learned how to fix automail from her Granny Pinako, and is an orphan. She has the opportunity to avenge the hell out of her parents’ death by shooting the guy who murdered them, but she doesn’t do it. While that seems markedly un-badass, you have to keep in mind that the guy was right there and could totally have killed her with his superpowers, so that takes some balls. Winner? Faye Valentine, because Winry is just so damn vanilla.
I mean for Godsakes, Winry, he's practically got a target RIGHT THERE.
Is constantly being put into danger and having to be rescued by the men in her life? Actually, this happens less than you’d expect for the whole anime/manga genre. Sure, both Faye and Winry are put into danger, especially Faye, who’s really good at getting herself into all kinds of trouble, and sometimes the guys give them a helping hand, but most of the time these ladies are handling themselves just fine. Winner? Winry, actually, because the evil homunculus conspiracy is totally using her as a hostage against our boys Al and Ed.
Has better fashion sense? Faye’s outfit sucks. There, I said it. It’s bright yellow and the jacket is useless. It’s ugly, ugly, ugly with a capital FUGLY. On the other hand, Winry usually wears a boob tube with purple pants and a bandana. Winner? Nobody. Ick. Someone get these ladies to an outlet store, stat.
Has massive boobage? Boobage is totally a word, right? The one good point about Faye’s ugly, ugly yellow outfit is that it conforms to every curve of that woman’s rockingly-drawn body. And when I say she has massive boobage, I don’t say it lightly. Also, she spends a lot of time in outer space, so it’s not like she’s going to get saggy any time soon, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because I wasn’t exactly subtle, here. Winry is, like, 15 or 16, and thus probably not done developing. If she has massive boobage, it’s hidden under her overalls anyway. But I don’t think she does. Winner? Faye Valentine.
In fact, thank GOD for the cold vacuum of space, because otherwise she would just have the worst backaches.
Owns an interstellar space vehicle? I don’t think Winry owns a vehicle, let alone one that is capable of interstellar travel. Faye, however, has a cool space vehicle, so she wins. Winner? I just said Faye wins.
I guess I didn't realize it was called "The Redtail."
Looks pretty damn good for a lady of over 70? Faye Valentine was in a horrible space travel accident when she was young and was put into cyrogenic sleep until … I don’t know, she could be operated on or it was convenient to the plot, whatever. So, while she looks like a lovely young lass of about 23, she’s actually a wretched old woman of about 77. Winry is totally the age she is, which is teenaged. Man, I hate teenagers. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Would be more fun to take gambling? Faye Valentine is a compuslive gambler. I would go as far as to say she has a gambling addiction. That said, she seems like a lot of fun to hang around and is pretty good in a fight. I don’t know if Winry gambles. Winner? Faye Valentine, as long as you don’t lend her any of your money for your fun night out.
Plus, she cleans up pretty good, am I right, guys?
Hangs out with Spike Spiegel? Faye Valentine is the lucky woman who gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel and not get murdered to hell by the interstellar Mafia.
Julia? Not so lucky.
The sad news for her is that she’s really poor at expressing her love, so she and Spike never hook up. Winry lives in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe, which, while cool enough, is not populated by the likes of Spike Spiegel. Thus, she loses this category. Winner? Faye.
Look at this their backs are touching omigod bonus points for this pose squee!
Now you’ll have a category saying “hangs out with Edward Elric,” right? Actually, I won’t, because there’s just no comparison between Spike Spiegel and Edward Elric. It’s like a wolf fighting a gnat, you know?
I'm not saying Edward's not as cute as a button, because he is. He's just no Spike Spiegel.
Also, I just don’t like that damn Winry.
Aha! Eh, I think it was pretty clear from the way I tried to stack these categories in Faye’s favor, anyway.
It’s true. Totally true.
Overall winner? Faye Valentine, because my friends can go suck.
Now THAT is a girl I'd take to the opera.
