So, I knew there was a new movie with Nicolas Cage and cars and he’s trying to save his daughter or something, but I guess I didn’t realize he escaped from hell to do it.
Which, apparently, he totally did.
(So it’s like Ghost Driver instead of Ghost Rider now?)
(Also, Hollywood seems pretty certain Nicolas Cage is hellbound.)
So, Drive Angry, right? Is about Nicolas Cage rescuing his granddaughter it turns out, because the bad guys murdered his daughter and, for some reason, took her baby. Why would bad guys do that? This isn’t one of those Lifetime movies where it’s some lady desperate for a baby but she can’t have her own, is it?
Yeah, so Nicolas Cage busts out of hell to do some baby rescuing, and he’s followed by Satan’s right-hand man, who is played by my generation’s Christopher Walken. I mean, doesn’t he seem like Christopher Walken: The Sequel to you guys? (Although technically, I suppose, Christopher Walken is my generation’s Christopher Walken.)
And Satan’s Little Helper totally has the ability to make awesome vintage cars appear out of nowhere, or possibly morph other, lesser cars into awesome vintage cars, it’s hard to tell on this computer screen, so you’re kind of rooting for him because: awesome vintage cars!
Then there’s the “I’ma hurt you” chick, who I thought was kidnapped by the bad guys from the 30-second trailer, but it turns out is Nicolas Cage’s sidekick. And that’s … really all I have to say about her. She sure is blonde though! Yup! Blonde!
Anyway, Drive Angry could either be awesomely bad or just plain bad, kind of depending on whether we’ve got craaaazy Nicolas Cage or bored Nicolage Cage. Of course, there’s always the unholy combo of crazy bored Nic Cage, and then we’ve just got trouble.
I want occasion to insert the phrase “cheeky moo” into everyday conversation.
So a thing I didn’t know was the name of the actress who played Twin Peaks’ “The Log Lady.”
And now I know it, so I guess today was a fulfilling day after all. Her name is Catherine E. Coulson, and you have never seen her in anything un-Twin Peaks-related.
Well, unless you saw, perhaps, the 1974 film The Amputee (she played an amputee), or ’82′s Trick or Treats or ’91′s Femme Fatale.
But you didn’t see those, nor did you see the made-for-TV movie Ring of the Musketeers, which actually looks like comic gold, you guys, it has David Hasselhoff and Cheech Marin in it! As musketeers!
Also, you didn’t see the 1994 indie film The Secret Life of Houses because it sounded like an architecture documentary, nor did you see the TV movie The Four Diamonds. And I can certainly tell you that, during her 15-year break from television and film lasting until 2009 (when she returned with a role in Calvin Marshall, another movie you likely didn’t see), unless you went to a lot of theater in the Pacific Northwest, you did not see Catherine E. Coulson at all.
The good news is that she did appear in that episode of Psych that had a bunch of Twin Peaks alums as “Wood Woman,” which is so awesome you just don’t even know.
Another thing you might not have known about Catherine E. Coulson is that she was married to Jack Nance, and is now married to a rabbi.
And that is it for things that I know about Catherine E. Coulson.
Sometimes it’s hard to come up with fictional characters to face off. Other times, your coworkers say: “How about Poison Ivy vs. that plant from Little Shop of Horrors?” while a choir of angels sing and heavenly light shines upon them.
For background, Poison Ivy is actually a person and not, as her name would suggest, a plant. Audrey 2 is actually a plant and not, as her name would suggest, a person. Although people don’t usually have sequels, so if she was a person, she’d probably be Audrey Jr., because some people actually do that, you know.
Also, Poison Ivy is a villain in the Batman universe and Audrey 2 is an evil space alien plant thing come to kill us all.
Let the battle … commence!
Physicality. Let’s face it. This category’s a gimme for Poison Ivy because unless there is something severely wrong with you (both psychologically and physically), there is nothing attractive about man-eating plants, alien species or no. Also, most people draw Poison Ivy hot, so she’s got that going for her. Winner? Poison Ivy.
More likely to date Batman? I’d like to give this category to Audrey 2, just because it would be funnier, but she’s kind of stuck in a pot in a plant shop and he lives in Gotham City, so it’s not like their paths are going to cross or anything. And besides, Poison Ivy’s got that mind control powder or whatever, so I think she actually has, on occasion, dated Batman. Winner? Poison Ivy.
Wants to kill all humans? Like Bender and the Cylon Centurion before them, there’s nothing these ladies (?) (Is it really OK to call a man-eating plant a lady, even if it is named Audrey 2?) hate more than humans. Except for dinner, in Audrey 2′s case, am I right, ha, ha, ha? (Sometimes I have to write out the laughter when I’m not sure people will understand that something was supposed to be funny, and then I realize I’ve failed at my job as a humor writer.) Except ol’ Poison Ivy is still at least part human and has some human feelings and even fondness for other humans, as shown in that one issue of Gotham Central (Homicide: Life on the Streets — now with more Batman!) where she kills a corrupt cop for killing a runaway she was caring for. Winner? Audrey 2.
More likely to burst into song? Audrey 2 sometimes lives in a musical. Other times, she lives in a depressing black and white movie starring Jack Nicholson that has no singing whatsoever. But mostly a musical. Poison Ivy never lives in a musical, unless someone is planning on bastardizing Batman the way Bono and his evil Broadway buddies have done to Spiderman. (On the other hand, though, I’ve never liked Spiderman, so I kind of feel like he deserves it.) Winner? Audrey 2.
Has the gift of mobility? One of Audrey 2′s great flaws is that she (it? She-it?) is a plant and, thus, immobile.
Poison Ivy, however, still being mostly human, can walk around on her human legs and even run if she wants to, and sometimes fly an invisible jet. Or perhaps that’s Wonder Woman. Winner? Poison Ivy.
Has a more fearsome nemesis? Audrey 2′s nemesis is Seymour, the plant owner who helped raise her from a little … plantling? or something. In a 1986 movie, he’s portrayed by Rick Moranis, who is anything but threatening. Poison Ivy is a villain in the Batman universe, which means her nemesis is Batman, unless it’s The Huntress or Nightwing or somebody, if the writer feels like it. But the truth of the matter is, even Barbara Gordon could take Seymour in a fight. Winner? Poison Ivy.
Hangs out with a better class of villain? Audrey 2 seems to be the only one of her kind here on earth, unless there were a bunch of other ones that showed up at the same time she did, but nobody gave them any blood and so they all died. Alien invasion foiled! Poison Ivy sometimes pals around with Harley Quinn and the Joker and Catwoman and all them nefarious Gotham City sorts. Winner? Poison Ivy.
I feel bad for Audrey 2. Comes from space? Audrey 2 comes from space. Winner? Audrey 2.
Overall winner? Poison Ivy, because I really hate singing plants.
There are two things I know for certain about Unknown.
1. I have no idea what the hell is going on.
2. But it doesn’t matter because Liam Neeson punches a bunch of people.
It’s just too short this season.
For comparison, check out these locks:
In conclusion, grow your hair out, Zachary Levi.
So, Guns N’ Roses, right? You remember them? The way they combined the sensitivity of roses with the manliness of guns? And their lead singer was (is?) Axl Rose.
And lately, he’s gotten really, really fat.
Let’s find out why, or at least laugh at him for his metabolism change, eh?
So Axl was born in 1962 as William Bruce Rose Jr., which means I was right about the whole “Axl isn’t his real name” thing, so huzzah for me! Then the tragedy begins. Axl’s dad abandoned the family when l’il Axl was only 2 years old. His mother then met Stephen Bailey and married him, so l’il Axl became known as William Bruce Bailey. Bailey, apparently, was quite abusive, and so when Axl discovered the existence of his birth father, he reclaimed Rose for his own, but went by W. Rose so as not to be identified by a family abandoner.
Axl Rose’s early life is sadder than I thought.
Moving right along, Axl dropped out of school and started on the path to a life of crime. Unlike the rest of us, who are either currently in jail or criminal masterminds, his course was changed by the calling of musical stardom. Adopting the name W. Axl Rose after a band he was in, “Axl” or possibly “AXL,” because why would anyone spell axle that way?, Rose headed to LA. Which is weird, because I thought that’s where movie stars ran away to, not rock stars. Rose was in a variety of bands with increasingly ridiculous names, from Rapidfire to Rose to L.A. Guns to Hollywood Rose. I guess I shouldn’t laugh because I like a band called Frightened Rabbit.
Then, in 1985, L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose merged to become Guns N’ Roses. So that totally explains the name, but not why they didn’t spell out “and” or at least use an ampersand.
In 1987, they released Appetite for Destruction, which catapulted the band’s members to fame: Axl, Slash, the rest of them.
Being so very famous and rich, Axl was quoted as saying this in Rolling Stone: “I was looked down on for being a poor kid that doesn’t know shit, and now I’m like, a rich, successful asshole.” (He was more self-aware than anyone had ever realized!)
Anyway, as the years went on, tensions rose and everybody started hating each other and Rose withdrew from the public view. Also, people stopped listening to Guns N’ Roses, except for my friend at work. Hi, friend! The band apparently never really broke up, but that didn’t really matter since Rose never left his mansion in Malibu.
Then some more stuff happened, but I don’t really care (worst biographer ever) and then the band released an album in 2008 and went on tour. (On a related note, a thing I’ve learned about Axl Rose is that it doesn’t matter how late he shows up for a concert, he will be pissed if you throw shit at him.)
So apparently what happened to Axl Rose is that he is still the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses and time makes fatties of us all.
I want to see an obituary for someone who died of autoerotic asphyxiation that says: “He died doing what he loved.”