Where you at, Warren?
I remember the late ’90s. Back when a young Brit named Warren Ellis caught the attention of the world with his wicked take on the future, Transmetropolitan.
It was about a journalist in the future, but we now know better. There's no such thing as journalism.
I never actually liked Transmetropolitan, but I can wholeheartedly assure you that I loved/love a lot of his other works: Planetary (yeah, you already knew that, didn’t you), The Authority, Global Frequency, Red, Nextwave, Fell, etc.
What's this? An excuse to use an image of Elijah Snow? Don't mind if I do!
But, damn, it’s been, like, two years since the last issue of Fell came out. What happened to Warren?
It's also been at least that long since I read an issue, so what the hell is this series about?
Before we find that out, let’s learn about his origins! They’re less interesting than, say, Batman’s, but more interesting than, say, mine. He was born in Essex, England, in 1968, and remembers the moon landing as one of his first clear memories. According to an interview, before he began his career writing comic books, he worked some of the “shittiest jobs you can imagine,” a list that fails to include hotel maid, fast food worker and obituary clerk. (That’s right, folks, every career move I’ve made has been lateral.)
In 1990, a six-page short story written by Ellis appeared in a British independent magazine, Deadline. Well, it didn’t appear there like by magic or anything: he submitted it, it was accepted and published. His first ongoing work, Lazarus Churchyard, was published in Blast!, a short-lived magazine (probably due to putting an exclamation point in its name).
By 1994, Ellis was working for Marvel comics, writing a bunch of stuff I don’t really care about but you can google if you like, and then moved to DC, where he worked on Stormwatch, and gave the world Jenny Sparks. God bless that man.
I've got the bitchy part down. I just need to master the hero part, and I can be Jenny for Halloween.
In addition to the stuff I listed, Ellis also wrote a lot of independent titles (yes, even more independent than Fell) and a novel, Crooked Little Vein, that was published in 2007.
I don't want to spoil it for you, but yeah, it's pretty strange.
And, OK, fine, he updates his web site, like, daily, even when he’s in Germany, so it’s not like he’s disappeared off the face of the planet or anything.
So what’s he been up to lately? Well, it appears he’s been working on a web comic called FreakAngels, and also has been writing The Astonishing X-Men, which I guess I would’ve known if I hadn’t thought Whedon was still writing it, so shame on me for being a crappy fan.
Anyway, it appears the answer to my query is that Mssr. Ellis is where he’s always been, and if I’d stalked him more faithfully, I would’ve known that.
Also, I'd've known he looks that cool dressed as the man in black.
It turns out Drive Fast is actually called Drive Angry
So, I knew there was a new movie with Nicolas Cage and cars and he’s trying to save his daughter or something, but I guess I didn’t realize he escaped from hell to do it.
That explains the clever tagline, I guess.
Which, apparently, he totally did.
(So it’s like Ghost Driver instead of Ghost Rider now?)
At least they don't have to bother with the flaming skull CGI this time. As far as I know.
(Also, Hollywood seems pretty certain Nicolas Cage is hellbound.)
Eh, not that they're thinking any different than the rest of us.
So, Drive Angry, right? Is about Nicolas Cage rescuing his granddaughter it turns out, because the bad guys murdered his daughter and, for some reason, took her baby. Why would bad guys do that? This isn’t one of those Lifetime movies where it’s some lady desperate for a baby but she can’t have her own, is it?
Holy crap, SERIOUSLY, Lifetime?
Yeah, so Nicolas Cage busts out of hell to do some baby rescuing, and he’s followed by Satan’s right-hand man, who is played by my generation’s Christopher Walken. I mean, doesn’t he seem like Christopher Walken: The Sequel to you guys? (Although technically, I suppose, Christopher Walken is my generation’s Christopher Walken.)
I think it's because of the forehead.
And Satan’s Little Helper totally has the ability to make awesome vintage cars appear out of nowhere, or possibly morph other, lesser cars into awesome vintage cars, it’s hard to tell on this computer screen, so you’re kind of rooting for him because: awesome vintage cars!
Hell doesn't seem so bad now, does it?
Then there’s the “I’ma hurt you” chick, who I thought was kidnapped by the bad guys from the 30-second trailer, but it turns out is Nicolas Cage’s sidekick. And that’s … really all I have to say about her. She sure is blonde though! Yup! Blonde!
Oooh, and I shouldn't forget that she's very, very leggy.
Anyway, Drive Angry could either be awesomely bad or just plain bad, kind of depending on whether we’ve got craaaazy Nicolas Cage or bored Nicolage Cage. Of course, there’s always the unholy combo of crazy bored Nic Cage, and then we’ve just got trouble.
Insert some sort of joke about hell here.
Because Jenny Sparks is my hero, that’s why
I want occasion to insert the phrase “cheeky moo” into everyday conversation.
When she says it, it sounds like a term of endearment, but it's probably an insult.
What’s with the log, lady?
So a thing I didn’t know was the name of the actress who played Twin Peaks’ “The Log Lady.”
I also don't know the character's name, but Log Lady is good enough for the internets!
And now I know it, so I guess today was a fulfilling day after all. Her name is Catherine E. Coulson, and you have never seen her in anything un-Twin Peaks-related.
And possibly not even in Twin Peaks, what is WRONG with you?
Well, unless you saw, perhaps, the 1974 film The Amputee (she played an amputee), or ’82′s Trick or Treats or ’91′s Femme Fatale.
What is it with the Lynch family and people with amputated limbs?
But you didn’t see those, nor did you see the made-for-TV movie Ring of the Musketeers, which actually looks like comic gold, you guys, it has David Hasselhoff and Cheech Marin in it! As musketeers!
Musketeers who raided your high school theater's wardrobe!
Also, you didn’t see the 1994 indie film The Secret Life of Houses because it sounded like an architecture documentary, nor did you see the TV movie The Four Diamonds. And I can certainly tell you that, during her 15-year break from television and film lasting until 2009 (when she returned with a role in Calvin Marshall, another movie you likely didn’t see), unless you went to a lot of theater in the Pacific Northwest, you did not see Catherine E. Coulson at all.
The good news is that she did appear in that episode of Psych that had a bunch of Twin Peaks alums as “Wood Woman,” which is so awesome you just don’t even know.
I mean it. You just don't even know.
Another thing you might not have known about Catherine E. Coulson is that she was married to Jack Nance, and is now married to a rabbi.
I didn't even bother googling the rabbi. Enjoy this image of Jack Nance from Eraserhead.
And that is it for things that I know about Catherine E. Coulson.
Poison Ivy vs. Audrey 2
Sometimes it’s hard to come up with fictional characters to face off. Other times, your coworkers say: “How about Poison Ivy vs. that plant from Little Shop of Horrors?” while a choir of angels sing and heavenly light shines upon them.
Thanks, nameless coworker!
For background, Poison Ivy is actually a person and not, as her name would suggest, a plant. Audrey 2 is actually a plant and not, as her name would suggest, a person. Although people don’t usually have sequels, so if she was a person, she’d probably be Audrey Jr., because some people actually do that, you know.
I hope when I become a supervillain, I get her hairstylist.
But not Audrey 2's dentist. Ha, ha, oh, right -- she ATE the dentist.
Also, Poison Ivy is a villain in the Batman universe and Audrey 2 is an evil space alien plant thing come to kill us all.
Let the battle … commence!
Physicality. Let’s face it. This category’s a gimme for Poison Ivy because unless there is something severely wrong with you (both psychologically and physically), there is nothing attractive about man-eating plants, alien species or no. Also, most people draw Poison Ivy hot, so she’s got that going for her. Winner? Poison Ivy.
Also? I certainly hope she's not WEARING poison ivy, or she is going to have a rash in some sensitive places.
More likely to date Batman? I’d like to give this category to Audrey 2, just because it would be funnier, but she’s kind of stuck in a pot in a plant shop and he lives in Gotham City, so it’s not like their paths are going to cross or anything. And besides, Poison Ivy’s got that mind control powder or whatever, so I think she actually has, on occasion, dated Batman. Winner? Poison Ivy.
They were royalty at your prom.
Wants to kill all humans? Like Bender and the Cylon Centurion before them, there’s nothing these ladies (?) (Is it really OK to call a man-eating plant a lady, even if it is named Audrey 2?) hate more than humans. Except for dinner, in Audrey 2′s case, am I right, ha, ha, ha? (Sometimes I have to write out the laughter when I’m not sure people will understand that something was supposed to be funny, and then I realize I’ve failed at my job as a humor writer.) Except ol’ Poison Ivy is still at least part human and has some human feelings and even fondness for other humans, as shown in that one issue of Gotham Central (Homicide: Life on the Streets — now with more Batman!) where she kills a corrupt cop for killing a runaway she was caring for. Winner? Audrey 2.
More likely to burst into song? Audrey 2 sometimes lives in a musical. Other times, she lives in a depressing black and white movie starring Jack Nicholson that has no singing whatsoever. But mostly a musical. Poison Ivy never lives in a musical, unless someone is planning on bastardizing Batman the way Bono and his evil Broadway buddies have done to Spiderman. (On the other hand, though, I’ve never liked Spiderman, so I kind of feel like he deserves it.) Winner? Audrey 2.
Has the gift of mobility? One of Audrey 2′s great flaws is that she (it? She-it?) is a plant and, thus, immobile.
Not like those asshole Triffids.
Poison Ivy, however, still being mostly human, can walk around on her human legs and even run if she wants to, and sometimes fly an invisible jet. Or perhaps that’s Wonder Woman. Winner? Poison Ivy.
Has a more fearsome nemesis? Audrey 2′s nemesis is Seymour, the plant owner who helped raise her from a little … plantling? or something. In a 1986 movie, he’s portrayed by Rick Moranis, who is anything but threatening. Poison Ivy is a villain in the Batman universe, which means her nemesis is Batman, unless it’s The Huntress or Nightwing or somebody, if the writer feels like it. But the truth of the matter is, even Barbara Gordon could take Seymour in a fight. Winner? Poison Ivy.
You've got to be pretty fearsome indeed to fight a mostly naked plant woman and not let your guard down a little.
Hangs out with a better class of villain? Audrey 2 seems to be the only one of her kind here on earth, unless there were a bunch of other ones that showed up at the same time she did, but nobody gave them any blood and so they all died. Alien invasion foiled! Poison Ivy sometimes pals around with Harley Quinn and the Joker and Catwoman and all them nefarious Gotham City sorts. Winner? Poison Ivy.
And sometimes Barbie.
I feel bad for Audrey 2. Comes from space? Audrey 2 comes from space. Winner? Audrey 2.
Awww, didn't she look so harmless -- kill it! Kill it!
Overall winner? Poison Ivy, because I really hate singing plants.
I'm sorry, did I say "singing"? I meant "plants." Just "plants."
Liam Neeson is a throat-punching god
There are two things I know for certain about Unknown.
1. I have no idea what the hell is going on.
2. But it doesn’t matter because Liam Neeson punches a bunch of people.
And that's really all a movie needs.
Chuck’s hair
It’s just too short this season.
Maybe Sarah prefers it that way?
For comparison, check out these locks:
Nice and floppy, just the way I likes it.
In conclusion, grow your hair out, Zachary Levi.
And I don’t believe Axl was his real name either
So, Guns N’ Roses, right? You remember them? The way they combined the sensitivity of roses with the manliness of guns? And their lead singer was (is?) Axl Rose.
And lately, he’s gotten really, really fat.
Really, he's not that big, but considering he used to be as wide around as my arm, it's a pretty jarring change.
Let’s find out why, or at least laugh at him for his metabolism change, eh?
So Axl was born in 1962 as William Bruce Rose Jr., which means I was right about the whole “Axl isn’t his real name” thing, so huzzah for me! Then the tragedy begins. Axl’s dad abandoned the family when l’il Axl was only 2 years old. His mother then met Stephen Bailey and married him, so l’il Axl became known as William Bruce Bailey. Bailey, apparently, was quite abusive, and so when Axl discovered the existence of his birth father, he reclaimed Rose for his own, but went by W. Rose so as not to be identified by a family abandoner.
Axl Rose’s early life is sadder than I thought.
For comparison: Oliver Twist.
Moving right along, Axl dropped out of school and started on the path to a life of crime. Unlike the rest of us, who are either currently in jail or criminal masterminds, his course was changed by the calling of musical stardom. Adopting the name W. Axl Rose after a band he was in, “Axl” or possibly “AXL,” because why would anyone spell axle that way?, Rose headed to LA. Which is weird, because I thought that’s where movie stars ran away to, not rock stars. Rose was in a variety of bands with increasingly ridiculous names, from Rapidfire to Rose to L.A. Guns to Hollywood Rose. I guess I shouldn’t laugh because I like a band called Frightened Rabbit.
Is it just me, or is Frightened Rabbit shorter than you expected too?
Then, in 1985, L.A. Guns and Hollywood Rose merged to become Guns N’ Roses. So that totally explains the name, but not why they didn’t spell out “and” or at least use an ampersand.
But not this one.
In 1987, they released Appetite for Destruction, which catapulted the band’s members to fame: Axl, Slash, the rest of them.
Er, yeah, who WERE the rest of those guys anyway?
Being so very famous and rich, Axl was quoted as saying this in Rolling Stone: “I was looked down on for being a poor kid that doesn’t know shit, and now I’m like, a rich, successful asshole.” (He was more self-aware than anyone had ever realized!)
Anyway, as the years went on, tensions rose and everybody started hating each other and Rose withdrew from the public view. Also, people stopped listening to Guns N’ Roses, except for my friend at work. Hi, friend! The band apparently never really broke up, but that didn’t really matter since Rose never left his mansion in Malibu.
But why would you leave your mansion in Malibu anyway?
Then some more stuff happened, but I don’t really care (worst biographer ever) and then the band released an album in 2008 and went on tour. (On a related note, a thing I’ve learned about Axl Rose is that it doesn’t matter how late he shows up for a concert, he will be pissed if you throw shit at him.)
Actually, the worst biographer ever is the jerk who wrote this book, because who quotes their subject from "Beyond"? Assholes, that's who.
So apparently what happened to Axl Rose is that he is still the lead singer of Guns N’ Roses and time makes fatties of us all.
Yes, he was thin then, but I still think he should put on a damn shirt or do some crunches.
I’ve been doing this too long
I want to see an obituary for someone who died of autoerotic asphyxiation that says: “He died doing what he loved.”
You try inputting obituaries for a decade and see how skewed YOUR sense of humor is.
What are opinions like?
Opinions are like assholes.
You’re an asshole.
In addition, I don't respect your opinion.
