Holy hanging albatross, Batman! Are there a lot of crappy movies opening this weekend!
(Although that was phrased as a question, it’s not actually a question. You could probably tell from the absent question mark, but just in case you thought I hit the exclamation point by mistake, I’m just clarifying.)
(Yes, I’m aware that came off as a bit snooty.)
First off, you’ve got Just Go With It, because Hollywood sat down and said, “You know what? Adam Sandler’s schtick is wearing thin and Jennifer Anniston has become a one-trick pony. How ’bout we change things up and put them in a rom-com together? What a good idea!”
Then: Gnomeo and Juliet. Because garden gnomes aren’t creepy and oh god they’re alive. THEY’RE ALIVE!!!!
Also, you’ve got Justin Bieber in 2D AND 3D. And I just want you to know right now that I have nothing against Justin Bieber, despite my irrational hatred of most pop culture things, he seems like a genuinely talented and sweet-natured kid who is being marketed as a pussy by adults, and you can’t blame him for that. (You can avoid his movie for that, though, which I wholly intend to do.) I really hate his hair, though.
And then you’ve got The Eagle, which actually looks like it is even worse than I imagined it would be. On the bright side, it stars Channing Tatum’s chest, and it shows his name in the credits, so I know I got it right this time, huzzah! On the down side, if it’s a movie starring Channing Tatum, it’s going to suck so why bother.