Are you dating a Hobbit? A modern teen's guide

April 1, 2011 at 10:50 am (Top Ten) (Hobbits, Lord of the Rings)

With the proliferation of fantastical creatures out there in the modern dating world, it’s sometimes hard to know exactly what kind of weirdo you’ve got. But never fear: I’m here to help. This guide will help you discern if you are dating a Hobbit or just a short guy.

Or a short guy who played a Hobbit in the movies.

1. Does he have big, hairy feet?

The internet says these are hobbit feet, but if they just belong to some hairy guy, I am officially issuing an apology to him.

2. Does he seem unwilling to give you a ring?

Eh, maybe you should be grateful. Power corrupts and all.

3. Does he spend a lot of quality time with his long-haired hippie friends?

Hippie.

 

Damn hippie.

Damn dirty hippie.

 

4. Do you live on Middle Earth?

Oh, look, a helpful map.

5.  Does he have a cute little upturned nose?

Hobbit? Or Charlie from Lost?

6. When he’s not hanging out with hippies, is he pretty much unseparable from his BFF?

If you're wondering: Yes, if his best friend looks at him like that, you should indeed be concerned.

7. Does he pity, small, weak, hideously ugly creatures?

With nasty teeth and a bad habit of calling things "preciousssss"?

8. Can only he defeat a great evil?

Ugh. I so need eyedrops right now.

9. Does he have an odd name, like “Bilbo” or “Frodo” or “Samwise”?

Nope. Couldn't resist using a photo of Ian Holm.

10. I mentioned the big, ugly, hairy feet, right?

Ummmm … there’s a market for these?

 Well, there. I certainly assume that answered all your questions.

Now, please enjoy the final movement of Johan de Miej’s Lord of the Rings Symphony. (It’s called Hobbits.)

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