Don’t go see Transformers 3.
I mean, sure, it’s got giant robot battles (which answers the eternal question: How do you improve a robot battle? Make it giant!) and explosions galore, making it the perfect summer movie fare, but please. Please do this for me. Don’t go see Transformers 3.
Because you know what happens when you go see Transformers 3? People let Michael Bay make a Transformers 4. People cast Shia LaBeouf in more films. Why do people let these terrible, horrible, awful things happen? Because people think we want them to happen because we went and saw Transformers 3.
So for the good of moviegoers of the future, do me this one favor.
Don’t see Transformers 3.
Now, what is sure to be a completely unbiased review from me about my favorite living composer and the very excellent piano book he has arranged featuring music from one of my all-time favorite shows, Battlestar Galactica (Of Course it’s the Reimagined One, Duh).
First off, I would like to congratulate Mssr. McCreary on his recent (semi-recent, anyway) nuptials to the talented (and beautiful) Raya Yarbrough, and assure them both that my love is purely platonic in that I love McCreary for his music alone. Also his looks a bit, but that’s neither here or there.
Anyway, the Battlestar Galactica piano book. Thank you, Mr. McCreary, so godsdamned much, for making this happen. You have saved your less musically talented fans who were sitting around at the piano and trying to plink out the notes to “Roslin and Adama” and cursing their brothers who can hear a song once and then play it perfectly. “Why did I have to learn how to read music?” these (hypothetical) fans wailed. “Why couldn’t I have been naturally gifted like that jerk of a brother of mine?”
And lo! Like a beacon on the horizon, a veritable lighthouse in stormy weather: the Battlestar Galactica Piano Book. Chock full of some of the best music from the series (with the notable exception of Gaeta’s Lament, although who knows how it would play without the help of Alessandro Juliani’s killer voice), there’s even (I know! This is so great!!) simplified versions of my two favorite BSG pieces: “Roslin and Adama” and “Wander My Friends,” because Bear knows that some of us haven’t sat down at the piano for serious for several years now.
Gods bless that man. Gods bless him a whole bunch.
So today, I ran into my fabulously wealthy cousin’s fabulous wife. The subject of my current unemployment came up.
“How’s it treating you?” she said.
“All right,” I said. “Except I’m starting to run out of money.”
“Who needs money?” she said.
“Ha, ha ha,” I replied.
I hate being unemployed, except for the part where I don’t have to go to my horrible, horrible job anymore. That part’s cool. It’s the part where I don’t have any money that’s not so cool.
Like, this weekend, you know what’s opening? Bad Teacher. Bad Teacher is what’s opening. And you know what it looks like? It looks like not bad is what is looks like. Actually, pretty funny.
Actually, I totally want to see this movie because it’s filled with all my favorite kinds of humor, like boob jokes (boobs are funny!) and Cameron Diaz not having to play opposite Tom Cruise and people just being generally evil, because acknowledging the innate wretchedness of humanity is so damned funny.
And come on, you guys, isn’t Cameron Diaz just so cute and it’s fun to see her be mean to people? If the “Cameron Diaz is mean to people” thing was its own genre, I would probably get to the movies more often. (I mean, sure, it’s kind of limited in its scope, but I think I’d be okay with that.)
Anyway, I won’t be seeing Bad Teacher this weekend, unless someone wants to take me to the movies (we could make it a double feature night and go to X-Men: First Class, too! If you buy the popcorn, I promise I won’t make fun of your haircut!).
One thing that everyone knows about clowns is that they are the minions of the devil. Sure, you might laugh at them when you see them, but deep down, you know you’re laughing at the devil.
Speaking of clowns, Krusty is a clown and the Joker kind of looks like a clown.
(I’m just assuming you know who these guys are, because, Christ!, my granny knows who these guys are.)
Anyway, they’re both tools of Satan, but which one do we like better?
Let’s find out.
Physicality. Both these guys have the traditional clown makeup going for them, except in the Joker’s case he’s also horribly disfigured. Normally, in a battle of clowns, everybody loses, but being horribly disfigured is an extra strike against you. Winner? Krusty.
Shows a marked lack of morals? The Joker is always doing stuff like murdering people in really horrible ways and plotting to murder people in really horrible ways, and probably killing their pets too, because he is really, really evil. Krusty, however, is a compulsive gambler, faked his own death, then faked his alter ego’s death, and sells such dangerous toys to the little childrens. Winner? Man, these guys both have the moral sensibilities of a dead squid. It’s a tie.
Better sidekick? The Joker has his legion of henchmen willing to play to his every evil whim, which seems kind of stupid of them, because he’s always killing his henchmen, but maybe they’re all somewhat suicidal or something? Krusty the Clown has had two sidekicks (that I know of, since I quit watching The Simpsons years ago): Sideshow Bob and Sideshow Mel. Heh. Those guys are awesome. Winner? Krusty.
More effective nemesis? The Joker’s nemesis is Batman, or The Goddamned Batman, as he is known in some circles. The Goddamned Batman is a master detective, proficient in, like, 872 forms of martial arts and 457 ways to kill you (he won’t use them, though, because he’s, deep down, a nice guy). Krusty the Clown’s most faithful adversary is Sideshow Bob, who keeps getting arrested and can’t even kill a 10-year-old boy. Winner? The Joker.
Better origin? The Joker’s origins are either that he fell into a vat of acid and was permanently disfigured and went insane, or maybe that his daddy cut the sides of his face up, or maybe that he is “super-sane,” because Grant Morrison likes to be contrary, but the point of the Joker is that he has no fixed origin and could be anybody, really. Krusty the Clown was born as Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofski, the son of a rabbi, and worked his way up to become a somewhat successful comedian. Who dresses like a clown. Winner? Hey, Krusty’s father was a rabbi. What makes a better origin story than having a rabbi in it? Krusty for the win.
More likely to kill you stone dead? Are we talking on purpose or through sheer negligence? Because, really, you’re better off just avoiding these two like the plague. The Joker will murder you straight to hell and Krusty will either pratfall you to death or give you a lead- and arsenic-based toy to play with. Winner? A tie.
Overall winner? Krusty the Clown, because Two-Face is my favorite Batman villain. He’s so tortured!
I want to be a roller derby girl because I think my inherent rage makes me a natural. But my innate clumsiness probably disqualifies me from the rollerskating aspect, so that’s out.
I want to take up boxing because I love hitting things (people and things). The problem with boxing is that people fight back, and I really hate getting hit.
So, yeah, let me know if there’s some sport where I can let my anger management issues out without the risk of injury to myself. I’d be ever so grateful.
I mean, c’mon, it’s got so many things going for it: Ryan Reynolds, lots of green stuff, a mostly naked Ryan Reynolds, decent effects, Ryan Reynolds being all serious, a genuine threat to the earth, and more Ryan Reynolds.
(Really, I think Ryan Reynolds is a big selling point.)
So I want to want to watch Green Lantern, I do. I mean, I kind of want to want to. But it’s, you know, Green Lantern. I always mix him up with Green Arrow, you know? Not so much because they have anything in common besides the word Green in their supermoniker, but who are they?
(Note: I actually know who they both are, thanks, I work in a comic book store.)
Not to mention (except for the part where I’m about to mention), that’s a lot of mythology to fit into one movie. I mean, sure they had to shove in Superman’s origins and Spiderman’s origins when those movies got made, but you know what? Alien comes to earth from dying planets, has superpowers; boy gets bitten by radioactive spider, gets superpowers are both easier to follow than pilot gets chosen by aliens to join an intergalactic police force using green lanterns and magic rings and also the color yellow is their weakness and the only limit to your power is the limit of your imagination!
So, yeah, I want to (kind of, I mean) want to see Green Lantern, but really, I mostly don’t.
Lately, I’ve been watching old episodes of Homicide, to counteract the effects of Law & Order: SVU marathons and the way they have absolutely ruined Det. John Munch. And as I’ve been watching old episodes of Homicide, I can’t help but remark to the empty air around me: “Man, that Kyle Secor is certainly an attractive man, and also, I love his puppy dog eyes.”
(Also, I had forgotten how much I despise the Megan Russert character. I’m not sure if it’s the way the character is written or how the actress portrays her, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that, thanks to her, I now know that Det. Beau Felton wears black man panties.)
But anyway, Kyle Secor. I was so happy when he was on the first season of Veronica Mars, because I liked the show already, and he was like the whipped topping on the pie or some better simile than that.
But what’s he been up to lately? Probably something on cable. I should really get cable.
Anyway, let’s fnd out more about our boy (man?) Kyle Secor.
He was born in 1957 and wanted to be a basketball player (the man is 6’5″) and join the Air Force, but he’s apparently quite near-sighted. Later, he saw a performance of Hello Dolly and decided to become an actor, which I guess was the reaction of everyone who’s ever seen that. Oooh, and also he’s trained in karate and kung fu, and is a certified yoga instructor.
His acting career began with a stint on Santa Barbara, which I believe was a soap opera, and also had Robin Wright in it. Who knew, right? Later, he got a recurring role on St. Elsewhere, also known as “that TV show that was ruined by the horrible, horrible, wretched, crappy ending.”
After that, there were some roles in TV movies that I don’t feel like listing by name, a guest spot on Tales from the Crypt, roles in movies that I know I saw in the ’90s, like Sleeping with the Enemy and City Slickers, but blocked out because ick.
Then in 1993 came Homicide: Life on the Streets, and the role of Tim Bayliss, one of my favorite detectives ever, except for Sherlock Holmes and L and also Lenny Briscoe. I also very much enjoyed his partner, Frank Pembleton.
Ooooh, and Meldrick Lewis.
And Kay Howard.
Oh, and John Munch, of course, before he was ruint.
Homicide ran through 1999, which I always forget because NBC kept trying to cancel it, and during that run, Secor picked up a guest spot on NYPD Blue and had roles in more TV movies that I just don’t even want to talk about. In 1999, he took a role on Party of Five, a show I know nothing about, except that guy from Lost was on it, and I think that chick from Ghost Whisperer with the awesome rack too.
Of course, in 2000, he returned to the streets of Baltimore for the Homicide TV movie, which I do feel like talking about, even if the ending was wretchedly depressing, what with Lt. Giardello dying and Bayliss himself confessing to murder. At least it wrapped up the series nicely.
Also in 2000, he was in City of Angels, a TV show about doctors that didn’t last very long because ER was still a ratings giant then, wrecking the competition like some sort of giant competition-wrecking thing. It also looks like, in 2001, he was on an episode of that show I’m ashamed of watching a few episodes of, but not this one, because I never saw it: Crossing Jordan. From 2001 to 2002, he was on some sort of Kim Delaney vehicle, Philly, which was probably about people in Philadelphia, but possibly about a guy named Phillip.
In 2003, I remember that I watched A Wrinkle in Time the TV movie specifically because Secor was in it as The Man With Red Eyes. I don’t remember much else about it, probably because I recorded it and fast-forwarded to Secor’s scenes because I luv him. He also had guest roles on Without a Trace and CSI, because everyone does those shows if they’re not doing L&O:SVU.
2004 brought his role as Jake Kane on Veronica Mars, the man Veronica’s mother had an affair with, like who could blame her, especially since Jake Kane was also a millionaire.
From 2005 to 2006, he played the First Gentleman (?) in Commander in Chief, which I also thought was canceled immediately. I wanted to love it, because Geena Davis was the president and, of course, Kyle Secor, but I just didn’t. And that’s about the time I lost track of him, because I am the worst stalker ever. Also, I never actually stalked him, just watched him on TV shows of variable quality.
In 2007, he was in two shows I’ve never heard of: Hidden Palms and Women’s Murder Club, which I suspect is about women solving murders and not committing them. Since then, he’s had guest roles on Boston Legal, Dark Blue, Ghost Whisperer, White Collar, The Closer (which has JK Simmons in it too, for an explosion of awesomeness!), Criminal Minds, Private Practice and Hawaii Five-O. (Funnily enough, I just watched an episode of Homicide with Det. Stan Bolander bitching about the state of modern television and wishing they would just bring back Hawaii Five-O. “They have!” I told him, but for some reason, he didn’t seem to hear me.)
His most recent project was a short called The Letter, with Annabeth Gish, which made me go, “Why does her name sound so familiar,” and now I see that she was one of the characters on the X-Files after it started sucking.
Anyway, Mssr. Secor has stayed steadily busy because, in addition to being a dreamboat, he’s also quite a good actor, and I guess I don’t really need cable to watch him, just less discerning taste in television shows.
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.