Cowboys and Aliens and Smurfs, oh my!
(I’ll bet somebody’s already used that as a title.)
(It’s just so obvious, you know?)
Anyway, opening this weekend are Cowboys and Aliens, Smurfs and Crazy, Stupid, Love. I have nothing to say about Crazy, Stupid, Love except this: Why is there a comma after “Stupid”? Isn’t it being used as an adjective?
No comma in the movie poster, which is how it should be.
Moving right along, I kind of want to see Cowboys and Aliens because it is about cowboys fighting aliens.
Although, cool as it looks, I can't imagine it is nearly as good as Ninja fighting aliens.
I would be willing to overlook Olivia Wilde’s presence, but the filmmakers don’t seem to want to let me, because it looks like she is in almost every scene. Hopefully, she just stands there looking pretty and doesn’t talk much.
(Holy crap, I sound like an office boss from the 1950s.)
And get me my files, woman!
And then there’s The Smurfs. The Smurfs is how I know Hollywood hates you as much as Hollywood hates me.
This movie couldn't look more wretched if it tried.
Also that Neil Patrick Harris owes some bad people some bigtime money.
Please tell me it's gambling or drugs, Neil!
But seriously, folks, who wants to see three-dimensional Smurfs in New York City? It’s like one of those talking animal movies, except the animals are blue and one of them is voiced by Katy Perry. I dislike her on general principle, because who gets married to Russell Brand? Eck.
Dear Katy Perry, please ask your husband to keep his damn shirt buttoned up. Always.
Anyway, I’d be willing to go see Cowboys and Aliens, if anyone wants to take me. We could ogle Olivia Wilde together (she’s so pretty!) and throw popcorn at the screen whenever she talks.
I wanted my coffee with two sugars and cream, woman!
I still wish I drove a tank
I think it should be legal to repeatedly rear-end trucks with balls on them.
And then, when their owners get out to complain, you also have the right to run them down.
I still love Say Hi: A reminder
Omigod, y’all! I just heard, on a commercial for Lincoln (the cars, not the dead president), Say Hi’s song “Devils.”
You know what that means?
Royalties is what it means! Which in turn means: Eric Elbogen is even more my perfect boy now.
Omigod, y'all, there is more than one Eric Elbogen in that photo. I am the happiest I have ever been.
If you can’t say anything not stupid, don’t say anything at all
Upon reading the news that Borders bookstores was going out of business, I happened upon this quote from a senior trade analyst:
“This industry is going to slowly figure out that a lot of e-book readers still use bookstores all the time to discover what’s new before heading home to buy it for their e-reading device.”
Hey, that’s great! Because businesses are all letting people handle all their merchandise and not ever buying any of it.
"Oh, heavens, yes. We weren't here to make a profit at all."
Also, isn’t that a library he just described?
A love letter to (Shotaro) Kaneda
Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,
I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.
The perfect boy has a laser gun.
I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.
Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).
He was so awesome, he rode to work hanging onto the fronts of trains. Because he could, that's why.
Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.
Or the other one. Whichever.
And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.
And why?
It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.
Oh, Kaneda. So much psychic ass did you kick.
So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.
And a post-apocalyptic Neo-Tokyo to rule.
Stay classy!
You say “A-TRAY-you,” I say “A-TRAH-you”
OK, I don’t really say “A-TRAH-you,” because everybody has seen The Neverending Story, and knows how to pronounce the hero’s name.
I'm aware that Bastian is ostensibly the "hero," but I refute that claim for two reasons. One, if sitting around reading makes you a hero, then I am one for the ages; and Two, his name is Bastian.
But thinking about The Neverending Story lately (and, no, I’m not quite sure what precipitated it, but it’s been on my mind a lot), I started wondering, “Hey, what became of Atreyu? And more specifically, that actor who played him. Young whatsisname.” And then I googled his name, which is Noah Hathaway.
Read on for enlightenment!
Not that kind.
Noah, like all good people, was born at a very young age. His birth year: 1971. His heritage: One-quarter Mohican on his father’s side, which is more Mohican than I am. (But less Ojibwe, so ha ha ha.) At the age of 3, he began appearing in commercials, which is way more than I did at age 3 (I like to call that “the year in which I almost mastered the spoon”), so I guess I’ll stop laughing at Mr. Hathaway now. His first non-commercial appearance was on the 1979 show Supertrain as “Kid.” After some research, I see “Supertrain” is not about the adventures of some sort of 1970s musical supergroup as I first believed, but rather a train in the future. I’m not sure which is better.
I'll have to ask someone from the '70s.
His role as “Kid” must have impressed the brass, because he moved on to bigger and better things: “Boxey” on Battlestar Galactica (Not The Reimagined One, Which Mostly (and rightfully) Excised Boxey). From 1978 to 1979, Noah Hathaway battled Cylons and (I assume) provided comic relief and adorable child moments.
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT HORROR HE'S EMBRACING THANK GOD IT WASN'T IN THE REIMAGINED BSG GAHHHHHHHHHHH.
After Battlestar Galactica (The Original) ended, Boxey moved on to a series of guest gigs that hit all the pop culture phenoms of ’70s American television: Mork & Mindy, Eight is Enough, Laverne & Shirley and CHiPs. He also had some roles on miniseries and stuff even I’m not old enough to have heard of.
Motorcycle cops and homoerotic subtext. God bless the 1980s.
Then, in 1984, he was cast as Atreyu in The Neverending Story, worming his way into the hearts of adolescent girls everywhere, and also some guys who have some sort of postmodern metal-core band or something. That’s some good work, there.
In the 1980s, it was OK to see this much boy chest.
After The Neverending Story, it was on to the ’80s and guest spots on shows like Simon & Simon and Family Ties.
Later, he played Harry Potter (Jr.) in Troll. I don’t remember this movie at all, but I do remember this one episode of the Twilight Zone or Amazing Stories or some other TV anthology show where there was a troll and the construction workers tried to steal his gold or something, and then sunlight killed him.
Why, yes, as a matter of fact, being trapped underground with a maneating troll IS another of my ridiculous phobias. Also, I'm terrified of these dolls.
Moving right along, Noah Hathaway had two more roles in 1986 and then disappeared until 1994, when he played “Phil” in To Die, To Sleep. He then re-disappeared, and then re-reappeared in three roles in movies that haven’t been released yet: “Fish” in Sushi Girl, “Roper” in The Critic and “Ruggero Margheriti” in Mondo Holocausto!, in which the exclamation point is not mine.
Of COURSE it's set at one of those naked sushi joints. Why are you even asking?
So what the hell has Noah Hathaway been doing in between then and 1994 and 1994 and now? In the late 1980s, he moved on to teaching advanced jazz and street dancing, until an injury forced an early retirement. So he moved into the much less injury-prone sport of Muay Thai boxing. So that takes care of his life up until 1994.
After this shot was taken, they were all rushed to the ER.
After 1994, he took up motorcycle racing (seriously, who told him this stuff was safer than advanced jazz dancing?) and holds black belts in Tang Soo Do and Shotokan, two martial arts disciplines which I am learning about for the first time. He also runs a motorcycle shop and a tattoo parlor with his wife.
And I have to admit, his arm tattoo is more impressive than mine.
So, there you have it. Busy, busy, busy.
Also, his horse died.
Summer rerun season: Hell on earth or plethora of new factoids?
Until this summer, I’d always assumed LL Cool J could do better than NCIS: Los Angeles.
In retrospect, it does seem a rather silly assumption to make.
Stop making me say thank you, Hollywood
I mean, what with all the good news lately, you’re starting to make me think we could be … I don’t know … friends or something. Like maybe you were just kidding all those times before and now, Hollywood, you’re ready to make amends.
And I just can’t trust that, Hollywood.
Because I know how you are.
For every (FINALLY THANK YOU GOD FOR SMILING UPON ME I AM SO VERY HAPPY) canceled live-action Akira project, there’s a 47 Ronin STARRING KEANU REEVES. (Looks like the rest of the cast is pretty much Japanese, though, thank heavens for small (very small) favors.)
Neo-Tokyo doesn't trust you either, Hollywood.
Anyway, I’m not going to thank you, Hollywood, for killing the live-action Akira movie, because, well, you really don’t deserve it. But if you wanna be friends (and ruin the name of my blog), keep it up and we’ll see.
Well, at least I won't have to make tee-shirts.
Chuck Bartowski vs. James Bond
For my readers who love fictional character battles (hi, Jamin!) and for my readers who love them some Zachary Levi (hi, all y’all!), here is a battle between two of the greatest fictional spies of all time: The Intersect and Agent 007.
I love when they put the Intersect in a suit. God bless a good suit.
I totally have this postcard. And magnet!
For those of you who don’t know, Chuck Bartowski is the eponymous starring character of NBC’s Chuck, which I kind of wish would have ended after its fourth season because nothing has a good fifth season ever, and why does Morgan have the Intersect now? James Bond is … hell, you’ve heard of James Bond.
Moving right along: Let’s rock and roll, kids.
Physicality. Well, Chuck Bartowski has the blessing of being portrayed by the 6’4″ Zachary Levi, who … well, just look at him.
Gazing is also allowed.
James Bond has been played by everyone under the sun, most notably Sean Connery and Tim Dalton. OK, maybe not so notably with Mssr. Dalton, but he’s awesome and I love him, so let’s go with it. Most recently, though, he’s been portrayed by Daniel Craig, who is some folks’ cup of tea, but face it, not my type.
Please contact me if you can explain his appeal.
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Has a license to kill? You know who has a license to kill? James Bond has a license to kill. He has a license to kill so hard that he’s even got a whole movie named after that fact.
Told ya.
Chuck Bartowski probably also has a license to kill, as he is a CIA agent, but he always just uses tranq darts instead, so … meh, we’ll give this one to Bond. Winner? Bond.
Scored a hotter lady? James Bond scores with hot ladies, like, constantly. He scores with the hot ladies like it’s going out of style. (Note to everyone: Scoring with hot ladies will never go out of style, God willing!) On the other hand, Chuck Bartowski has really only ever had good luck with one lady, which doesn’t seem too impressive, but holy crap have you seen Sarah Walker?
She's like if Pretty and Dangerous had babies, and the babies all had really great hair and legs that go on forevah!
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Has cooler spy toys? One of the reason everybody wants to be a spy when they grow up is because of all the gadgets. There’s pens with poison ink and laser beams and cars that can shoot rockets. So who has the cooler spy toys: Bond or Bartowski? Winner? The guy with the bigger budget. Bond.
If I couldn't be a spy, then I always wanted to have Q move in next door.
Was played by Clive Owen? I would just like to state, for the record (repeatedly) that Clive Owen would’ve made a really good James Bond. Winner? Nobody.
Everybody loses when Clive Owen doesn't get cast as James Bond.
Gots better sidekicks? James Bond hasn’t gots no sidekicks. He’s a lone wolf. A renegade, if you will. He’s the Han Solo of spies, except for he hasn’t got a Chewie, so the “Solo” is actually literal. Chuck Bartowski, however, has a slew of sidekicks. An arsenal of them.
What's this? A chance to use a photograph of John Casey in a tuxedo in a swimming pool? Don't mind if I do!
Winner? Chuck Bartowski.
Cooler theme song? Well, Chuck has Cake’s “Short Skirt, Long Jacket,” but James Bond has the James Bond theme, which was used to great effect in Pizzicato Five’s Twiggy Twiggy. Which I will now insert here for your listening/viewing pleasure.
Winner? James Bond.
Let’s go to a tiebreaker! Who must face a fiercer lady boss? James Bond has M, recently played by Dame Judi Dench, but you know who Chuck has got?
Prior to the beautiful Ms. Dench, M was portrayed by men, pretty much, so this category hardly seems fair.
Chuck has got General Diane Beckman, who once wielded a rocket launcher just because she could.
She's, like, totally fierce.
Winner? Chuck.
Overall winner? Chuck Bartowski, by a nose.
He DOES have an awfully cute nose.
Down with talking gorillas
I am so sick of movies with talking animals.
And they go to outer space and everybody learns a vaulable lesson and go to hell, Disney.
Especially ones where the animals are banding together to help some hapless sap find love. I mean, why would they do that? If animals were going to talk, especially zoo animals, wouldn’t they say things like: “This is like jail and we wish we were dead”?
Also: "This movie poster sucks."
But nooooooo. Captive animals want to help humanity, not eat them.
Especially the gorilla.
I mean gorillas never attack people. (Note: I am aware that gorilla is actually a person in a monkey suit, but it’s funnier that way.)
Besides, it's not like they got a real gorilla for the movie, anyway.
(And bananas never attack gorillas.)
(Some days, I like letting the links do my work for me.)
Anyway, more to the point, of course the talking animals were just waiting for Kevin James to show up. Like, they were all sitting around, not talking, thinking, man, I wish Kevin James would hurry up and get here so we could get to some hijinks! Also, I totally don’t want to eat him.
"I don't know about you, Clyde, but I kind of want to eat him."
