Seeing a trailer for Moneyball (I know, right?) reminds me: Am I supposed to find Brad Pitt attractive? I can never remember.
With all the undead roaming about lately (See: Diaries, Vampire; Twilight; etc. for more details), it’s hard to tell exactly which class of the no longer living your boyfriend is of. Well, never fear (unless he’s the kind that wants to kill you, I guess. Then you should fear.)! For I am here to educate you.
This week’s lesson: Are you dating a ghost? In the form of a Top Ten list!
1. Is your boyfriend dead? First off, I would like to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. Secondly, I would like to add that today I learned the difference between caskets and coffins.
2. Oh, you say your boyfriend is dead, but you’re still dating? Well, that’s great news! Or kind of great. Or, you know, okay news. Anyway, if you’re dating a dead man, you’re well on the path to knowing for sure if you’re dating a ghost. Or not.
3. Is your boyfriend corporeal? If your boyfriend doesn’t get all Kitty Pryde-intangible on occasion, but he is dead, then you’re not dating a ghost. That guy’s probably a vampire or a zombie, and we’ve been over that before. I mean, sure, I guess I could beat a dead horse, but only if I think of some new jokes.
4. Moving right along, if your boyfriend is both dead and incorporeal, does he tend to only hang out at one … “haunt,” shall we say? Do you see what I did there? I did the thing where I use one meaning of the word as a terribly lame pun for … probably a pretty similar meaning of the word, actually. Anyhoo! If your boyfriend spends all his time in one place, especially an eerie mansion of some sort that most people would describe as “haunted” or the scene of his murder or something like that, then chances are, he’s a ghost.
5. Does your boyfriend only appear in photos as a blurry, vaguely human shape? I’ve heard ghosts do that. Also scratches on camera lenses.
6. Does he say things like: “I’m tethered to this world until such and such wrong can be righted?” (We’re assuming he described the wrong rather than saying “such and such,” because that’s just silly.) Signs are strong you’re dating a ghost.
7. Are people always trying to exorcise him? People do that to demons too. Well, exorcists do.
8. Is his idea of dressing up limited to tossing a sheet over his head with some eye-holes cut in it for good measure? Because that’s totally what ghosts look like.
9. Are you the only one who can see your boyfriend? This isn’t some jealousy thing we’re talking about here. This is actual seeing. Visually. With your eyes.
10. I hate to bring this up because I know you’re sensitive about it, but just to be sure: He’s actually dead, right? It’s him, right, and not you? Because it could be you. That happens sometimes. Like you think you’re not dead, but then it turns out you are and you’re a ghost? I’m just saying, is all.
Anyway, we’ve finished our ten-step program to make sure you’re dating a ghost (and not that you are a ghost; you should really check into that. Are you missing any chunks of time? Are people ignoring you (more than usual)?). I’m sure this has cleared things up for you.
I want the guy that just came into my new job and said I remind him of Lily Tomlin on Laugh-In to die a horrible death.
I want to write a line of dialogue of such enduring beauty and skill as this screen shot from Buster Keaton’s first MGM film:
“You kill-a de monk!”
It’s a Top Ten list! I know you’ve missed them.
I don’t care about the impending DC reboot because …
1. It’s been a long time since all the good writers left DC for Marvel. Some of them came back eventually, sure, but — eh — I’m reading Morning Glories now.
2. After being unemployed most of the summer, there’s only so many comic books I can justify as a monthly expense. There’s … Chew and Morning Glories.
3. It’s a simple matter of shelf space. If I’m getting all these new DC comics, where will I keep Morning Glories?
4. Yeah, Superman’s new costume is silly.
5. Even if it doesn’t suck, it couldn’t possibly be as good as they’d like us to believe.
6. Now that I’m working again, I don’t have as much lesiure time as I did this summer, and I’d really rather use it re-reading Morning Glories for clues.
7. I still don’t care which one is Green Arrow and which is Green Lantern.
8. I want to annoy all those guys that come into the comic book store asking me if I’m as excited as they are.
9. Besides, when they eventually reboot the reboot, who’s going to give me back those years (months?) of my life?
10. I’d just like this opportunity to recommend Morning Glories to you. Really. It’s quite good.
So, you know that rhyme, right?
Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
So he put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well
Am I the only one who, upon hearing that rhyme as a child, thought Peter had killed his wife and put her remains in a hollowed-out pumpkin?
I’m the only one, aren’t I.
Q. Didja hear there’s yet another Final Destination movie opening this weekend?
A. Please tell me that Glen Morgan and James Wong have nothing to do with these things anymore.
He kicked the bucket, by which I mean: If there were a bucket and he were to have kicked it, he would have had to do it so hard that the bucket flew backward and impaled him or something, because what I actually mean is he bought the farm.
I want to never housesit for my neighbors again.
Last time, their iguana escaped.
This time, I found their cat dead on the laundry room floor.
(Why do they even keep asking me to watch their pets, anyway?)
I mean, jeez, James Franco’s character, I know you’re trying to cure Alzheimer’s and all, but why did you make a genius monkey? That’s just asking for trouble. It’s almost like you knew you were in a movie called Rise of the Planet of the Apes and felt compelled to do something to move the plot along.
And another thing that bothers me about Rise of the Planets of the Apes, other than all the damn monkeys in it (oh, and they’re CGI monkeys, which is somehow even worse), is that, apparently, we’re responsible for the apes taking over the planet? I mean, apes couldn’t have just evolved on their own, right? We had to help them along? I get that, yeah, we’re supposed to have had a hand in our own destruction, but I always figured we wiped ourselves out, then a century or two later, the apes were all like, “Well, gee, let’s start a civilization, guys,” and then Charlton Heston showed up.
But I guess I was wrong.