So you think you’re dating an X-Files monster: A modern teen’s guide
So you’re a teenager and you suspect that you might be dating a monster from an episode of the X-Files. First off, I would like to congratulate you on your excellent — and retro! — taste in television. Secondly, I would like to assure you that you most certainly are dating an X-Files monster. The only thing is it’s hard to be sure which one. There were so many, after all, and in later seasons, they started getting repetitive. Also, I quit watching, so there will be no monsters from the Mulder-less episodes. In case you were wondering.
Anyway, here’s your handy Halloween ten-point guide to which X-Files Monster are you dating:
1. Might it be the Flukeman?
Ugh, you had better hope it’s not the Flukeman. But if you’re not sure, ask yourself these questions: Does my boyfriend look like a giant tapeworm? Does he live in the sewers? If the answer to either of these questions is “yes,” I would say you’re better off without him, especially if you had an affirmative response to the first question, because who dates a guy who looks like a giant tapeworm?
Uh-uh. Look, no, I’m sorry. No pictures of flukeworms, flukemen or other nasty things on my blog. Instead, we shall gaze upon the beauty that is Mulder and Scully. Gaze, I say!
2. Maybe it’s Eugene Tooms, perhaps.
Oh, my, I should hope not. (Yes, I’m afraid that “hoping not” is how most of these entries are going to start out.) Sure, Eugene Tooms has the mutant ability of stretching random parts of his body like some kind of crazed Mr. Fantastic (OK, more crazed), but he mostly uses that ability to get into rooms and eat people’s livers. Which was probably not the first thought that entered your mind when I said that thing about “mutant stretching ability.” And I want you to know that’s all right.
He’s thinking it too.
3. It could be Lanny. Or Leonard.
You should hope not, right? Lanny and Leonard are conjoined twins in that really great episode that Darrin Morgan wrote: “Humbug.” Think Total Recall, and you’ve got the idea. (What? Yes, all my references are at least a couple of decades old. What of it?) Anyway, if dating mutated conjoined twins wasn’t horrific enough for you, the smaller one can detach from his brother and goes on a murderous rampage. It’s not like he’s killing people on purpose, since he’s only trying to find a better host to conjoin with, but he’s no less fatal.
Except to tattooed geeks, who find him quite tasty.
4. “Virgil Incanto might be my boyfriend,” you say.
Yes, you had best hope you’re not seeing Virgil Incanto, also known as the “fat-sucking vampire.” Really, I think that’s all that needs to be said.
In Amy Adam’s past is a role as a fat-sucking vampire on Smallville. That’s just sad.
5. Or maybe it’s Robert Patrick Modell.
Also known as “Pusher.” Not for his penchant of pushing people after waiting in line for a while, but for his psychic ability to control their minds. You know, like Firestarter’s dad or Jesse Custer. (Whoo! Check out the dated references on those guys!) Anyway, you should certainly hope you’re not dating “Pusher,” because how would you even know?
“What? No, baby, I didn’t hypnotize you into thinking I’m not a smarmy bastard. Now get me some coffee.”
6. Possibly it’s Leonard Morris Betts.
It’s Cancer Man! No, the other one! This gentleman monster, like many a movie monster before him, cannot be killed. Unlike many a movie monster before him, it’s because he’s one giant ball of cancer. Also, he has to eat cancer. Also, he does get killed by Scully, so there’s that.
Dammit, Google, I said “not that one.”
7. Edward H. “Eddie” Van Blundt Jr. could be the one!
Of all the X-Files monsters you could be dating, this fellow is the most likely, because he can mutate himself to look like anyone, although usually Darin Morgan. But possibly anyone.
If you’re a fan of the four X-Files episodes Darin Morgan wrote, then that’s a bonus for you!
8. “The Great Mutato” would be an awful name for my boyfriend to have, you think.
A veritable Frankenstein’s monster, which is what this post would’ve been about if I could’ve thought of more than two questions (maybe some other time, faithful readers. Maybe some other time), the Great Mutato lives in a small town and is pretty hideous. Also, he likes Cher. *shudder* Oh, and your dates would consist of him drugging you and having his way with you while you’re unconcious. Fun times!
Also, he was a character in a comic book on the show. Yeah, it was one of THOSE episodes.
9. You could be dating the Invisible Men!
Does it seem like your boyfriend never shows up for your dates? Do your friends complain about the creepy pair of floating red eyes that always seem to accompany you? Then you could be dating one of the invisible men that for some reason had something to do with the Fountain of Youth, because that episode was really stretching there.
Thus began the downward spiral.
10. Or maybe it’s Wayne Weinsider.
Well, this one doesn’t seem so bad, because Wayne Weinsider is really Bruce Campbell. Also a demon. Who just really wants to have a normal human baby, dammit. Awwww, he seems sweet.
I know. I always thought I should’ve liked that episode more than I did, too.
World Series Baseball
Stupid baseball, pre-empting Friday’s episode of Fringe. Now I have to wait ANOTHER week to find out what happens now that Peter is back I CAN’T STAND IT GAAHHHHHH.
My impatience is not lessened by awesome promo shots.
Resisting urge to pun: In Time is a movie that opens this weekend
Reviews haven’t been too kind to In Time, calling it a Logan’s Run imitation and other such things. But I’ve never seen Logan’s Run, which I completely meant to do that one time when I was watching Soylent Green and stuff, but didn’t. I can’t remember why not. I’m still planning to getting around to it someday!
You and Clockwork Orange, I swear.
Anyway, my point is that I personally can’t compare the In Time trailer to Logan’s Run, because I’ve got nothing to go on except people die young and Logan runs. (Unless it’s one of those movies where the name has nothing to do with the movie, I guess. Then I know even less than that.)
In Time stars Justin Timberlake, who I think was a pop star once, and is bothering me less and less as a leading-man type.
Like in this scene, where he's apparently channeling James Bond.
It’s also got Amanda Seyfried with just the cutest little bob!
SUCH a cute bob!
And, most importantly, and the thing that is convincing me this is a film I need to see: it’s got Cillian Murphy.
“Cillian Murphy’s in a movie?” I said when I saw the cast list. “I love him in those.”
I also love him in photographs. His cheekbones could rule the world.
Also, he seems to be shooting at the hero a lot, which makes this my favorite kind of Cillian Murphy movie: One wherein he is a badass.
Leather. Gun. Bad ASS.
In Time also seems to star Olivia Wilde, whose fame I just don’t get still. She’s beautiful, but I think she’s just a terrible actress. Is she getting better or something? Or are they just casting her to type: Beautiful, incredibly wooden woman who has only one facial expression?
I don't know. Does "At least she's not Megan Fox" sound more like a compliment or an insult?
But ignoring Olivia Wilde for the moment, the plot of the movie seems to be that people in the future (alternate universe? different world?) don’t have money. They have time. Everybody stops aging at 25, which doesn’t explain Cillian Murphy, but I don’t care because he’s beautiful at any age (so far, anyway), and rich people can live basically forever. Although I think they can get killed by accidents and murder and stuff, or else why would Cillian Murphy be shooting at Justin Timberlake? (I guess it could be because he just likes to hurt people and watch them not die, actually.) Justin Timberlake is poor, so he’s going to die at 26, which is the cutoff for some reason, but then the guy from Chuck and White Collar gives him all his time and dies instead, so newly-immortal Justin Timberlake goes all Robin Hood and hooks up with Amanda Seyfried, as we all would do, given the means.
I know I'd trade places with Justin Timberlake in this poster in a heartbeat.
The trailer makes it look pretty fun, like chase scene after chase scene with a few Amanda Seyfried gettin’ naked scenes thrown in and Cillian Murphy shooting stuff just to spice things up. So … maybe it’s worth your checking out? I mean, Cillian Murphy is in it, and I love when he’s in movies and stuff.
And in leather trenchcoats. I love him in leather trenchcoats.
The Ghostbusters vs. The Three Musketeers
That movie The Three Musketeers opened last weekend and hopefully no one saw it. (Because it deserves to go down in flames, that’s why.) In honor of the original Three Musketeers, though, please enjoy this fictional character battle in which they face off against the Ghostbusters.
Don't cross the streams, guys! Or, wait, do! I guess it actually doesn't matter!
What do these trios (plus one) have in common?
Possibly nothing! Let’s find out!
Physicality. It’s hard to rate groups of people by attractiveness, because, like, there’s varying levels of hotness in groups. Also, I’m not really sure what the Three Musketeers look like, except French. On the other hand, Bill Murray is not a handsome man. Winner? Let’s call this one a tie and move right along.
Yeah, that's a look I would describe as "French" for sure.
Has cooler weapons? The Three Musketeers are masters of fencing and swordfightery, which are actually the same thing except one is a word I made up. They use swords for their weapons, because of course they do. Possibly sometimes they use muskets, but it doesn’t matter. Do you know why? (Of course you know why.) Proton packs is why. Winner? The Ghostbusters.
That's much better than the one I had when I was a kid, which was made out of a cardboard box and a vacuum hose.
Fight a more deadly foe? Man, I really should’ve re-read the Three Musketeers before going into this thing. I think they were fighting … I don’t know … the king’s enemies or something? After some brief googling … eh, that’s close enough. The Ghostbusters, on the other hand, fight ghosts. Also the ancient Sumerian god Gozer. Winners? The Ghostbusters.
Meet a more fatal femme fatale? The femmest fatale in Ghostbusters is the stunning Sigourney Weaver, taking a break from fighting aliens to get possessed by ancient deities. So she’s not really evil, per se, so much as “transformed into a hideous dog-thing.” In The Three Musketeers, the Musketeers and their pal d’Artagnan must deal with Milady de Winter, who is gorgeous and also a multiple murderess! Winners? The Three Musketeers.
There is no Dana. There is only Zuul.
Have a better motto? The Three Musketeers’ motto is the oft-imitated: “All for One and One for All!” The Ghostbusters’ is “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” I’d call this a tie, but only one of these mottos has been successfully translated to song. Winners? The Ghostbusters.
Cooler means of transportation? The Three Musketeers probably rode horses, or maybe they walked, or maybe even went by chariot. It doesn’t matter, for much the same reason an epee is just no competition for a proton pack. The Ecto-1 is undefeatable. Winner? The Ghostbusters.
When I die, I want to be buried in the Ecto-1. Firstly, for the coolness factor. Secondly, for the inconvenience to my loved ones.
Have more movies? Glory be, there are dozens or so Three Musketeers movies. There are only two Ghostbusters movies, only one that counts, and one that might never be produced and will probably let us all down just as much as the fourth Indiana Jones did. Winners? The Three Musketeers.
We'll illustrate with the poster from the 1974 film.
Because this is just a lopsided, sad little battle, let’s go ahead and name an overall winner: And it’s obviously the Ghostbusters.
I'm sorry, Mssr. Dumas, but bustin' makes me feel good.
Off out, then! Tally ho!
I want to incorporate more Britishisms into my daily vocabulary.
Of course, I've got the swearing down pat already.
You’re probably not dating a vampire: A modern teen’s guide
Nowadays, it seems like all the cool kids are dating vampires. (Well, them and that Bella chick, anyway.) And you don’t want to be left out! You’re pretty sure your boyfriend is a vampire … probably.
Well, you’re wrong.
Here’s how you know for certain.
1. Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: Your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight.
If your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight, you’re not dating a vampire. You’re dating a unicorn.
Insert dirty "horn" joke here.
2. Your boyfriend has never killed you to drink your blood.
That’s good news for you, I guess, but bad news for the likelihood of your boyfriend being a vampire.
3. Your boyfriend wears a lot of black and dark eye makeup.
Eh, he’s probably just a goth kid or perhaps in a visual-kei band.
If he's prettier than you are, he's definitely in the band.
4. But he’s so pale and he looks kind of like Dracula!
Does he pee red? If he pees red, he suffers from porphyria. (No, it’s not from all the blood.)
Oh, God, porphyria looks HORRIBLE.
5. He can get into buildings uninvited.
Hardly any supernatural creatures can get into human dwellings uninvited, which is nice. Aliens probably can, though.
Because who's going to invite aliens in for a fun night of probing, right?
6. He’s not actually, you know, dead.
Techinically, vampires are undead, but you do have to die first and then come back to be a vampire. Kind of like those people in all the “I saw a White Light” specials!
7. He enjoys Italian and Chinese food.
Whoa there with the garlic, buddy! I thought you were a vampire!
I like garlic. On an unrelated note, I don't date much.
8. C’mon, list! He says he’s a vampire!
You know who doesn’t claim to be vampires? Vampires. They don’t want to get staked.
Well, and who does, really? That thing looks sharp.
9. He does like sleeping in a coffin.
I already told you: Goth.
10. He doesn’t have the distinctive odor of … eh, let’s describe it as “horrible, rotting flesh” … about him.
I know, I know. Your boyfriend doesn’t smell, you know, great, but he is a teenage boy. And I’m sorry, teenage boys, but there are some of you who desperately, desperately need to meet our friends “soap” and “deodorant.”
Yes, that's right: All this to lead up to a joke about gamers.
Why didn’t I like Once Upon a Time?
So I went into ABC’s Once Upon a Time with kind of mixed expectations. Like: 1) Everything I’d heard about the show made it sound like a really bad Fables ripoff, but 2) I saw some ads that made it look pretty cool.
Er, cooler than this poster, anyway.
Well, let me tell you folks: Those ads were lying. There were absolutely only three cool bits in the whole thing. 1) Robert Carlyle is Rumplestiltskin (yea!); 2) Prince Charming getting into a swordfight while holding a baby; 3) The special effects as the Queen and Snow White were swallowed up by the curse.
Everybody, look! It's ROBERT CARLYLE! Yea!!!!
So why didn’t I like Once Upon a Time?
Well, first off: Jennifer Morrison as Emma Swan, our heroine who is a badass chick who is Snow White and Prince Charming’s long-lost baby child! I had no problems with her portrayal, and I didn’t hate her on House, and I do think she’s quite pretty, but there is no way in hell I will buy that woman is 28 years old. Like, seriously, if Jennifer Morrison is actually 28, then girlfriend needs to start using sunblock and hydrating more.
Hurry, Jennifer! Find some cover and hide yourself from the cruel, cruel sun, stat!
Then: The adopted child seeks out his birth mother (Emma) because his real mother (the Evil Queen) doesn’t love him. Feh, it would’ve been a lot more interesting, in my opinion, if the Queen had gotten trapped in her own curse and actually forgot herself and ended up loving the kid.
Thank GOD she's got a better stylist in our world.
Also: Snow White going on about how all adopted children wonder “Why would someone give me up?” Speaking as an adopted child myself, the answer to that question is “Because they wanted me to have a better life than they could provide.” Seriously, guys! If your birth mother didn’t love you at all, she didn’t have to give birth. She obviously loved you enough to want you to have a chance at life, and even possibly a good one. (And none of that rant was funny, and I’m sorry, but it pisses me off how people always assume adopted children have abandonment issues! Look, people, my crippling self-esteem problems come from years of being bullied, not from having two mommies who love me!)
And speaking of Snow White: I thought Snow White was supposed to be beautiful. Ginnifer Goodwin is just cute. And with that short haircut, very big-eared and boyish. And round-faced. (I guess I don’t like round faces.)
Although if the show had done her makeup like that, I'd've gone for the whole "fairest in the land" bit.
And speaking of Snow White some more: Of course she loves birds and has one nest on her finger and volunteers in the coma ward. She’s Snow White!
Um, why is Snow White posing in a bird's nest?
Oh, yeah: And Emma has the “superpower” of knowing when people are lying to her. Whatever. Of course she uses that “superpower” to be able to tell that the Evil Queen doesn’t love l’il Henry (Emma’s birth son) after all!
By the way: Red Riding Hood tossing that red scarf over her head was painful, not cute and funny.
Not cute and funny at all.
In conclusion: The whole thing was actually very boring, except for the aforementioned sword fight, which I forgot to mention Prince Charming fought while wearing leather pants. So there’s that.
Those pants probably aren't leather, but I'm sure you can imagine them on this guy. Especially since nothing I could say could prevent you from doing so. Mrow.
Of course: There’s no way you can do “fairy tales in the real world” and escape the inevitable Fables comparisons, unless you guys haven’t gotten round to reading Fables like I keep telling you to. So, anyway, go and read Fables. Especially if you’re thinking about watching this show, because Fables is much, much better.
I'm serious, you guys, it's so good. You should read it. Really, really, you should. So! Good!
Another thing I can blame Guy Ritchie for
Like as if such a craptacular Three Musketeers would have existed without the way being paved by Sherlock Holmes.
Ooh, ooh, and 3-D. I also blame 3-D.
Anyway, I swear to God, modern Hollywood is never going to get those guys right.
Ha, ha, Robin looks the most ridiculous of all.
Also: Please enjoy this very awesome picture of Alexandre Dumas.
Thanks for the update, and also ruining my day
I have a friend who feels compelled to keep me informed of all live-action Akira updates, possibly because he wants me to commit suicide or something. (Hi, Greg!)
So thanks to him, I now know that Hollywood is still planning to ruin Akira, but at least they will be doing it low-budgetly, so at least it won’t be a blockbuster ruining?
Anyway, I figured we could all suffer together.
To add insult to injury: Please know that you will probably never own this bike.
Probably not related to Johann Sebastian Bach: Sebastian Bach!
The 1980s: a decade wherein neon became a fashion choice, the men wore more makeup than the ladies and a young singer named Sebastian Bach (note: probably not his real name) rose to fame as the lead singer of Skid Row. Yeah, whatever happened to those guys, anyway?
In the '80s, people hardly ever wore shirts. Just leather jackets.
Well, since I never knew any of their names except Sebastian Bach’s, which probably isn’t his real name anyway, let’s find out what became of him. But first we’ll find out how he became the man he was. Or is. Or whatever.
Sebastian Bach was born on April 3, 1968, in the Bahamas, as Sebastian Philip Bierk, which is much closer to his stage name than I would have guessed. Bach was raised in Canada, so apparently the tropic beauty of the Bahamas was too much for his family, or he popped out while they were having a nice vacation.
Welcome to the world, Baby Sebastian! Enjoy Canada!
According to Wikipedia, which is a complete and utter authority on all subjects great and small, and also completely accurate, all the time, Bach went to school at Lakefield College School, which seems kind of redundant to me, like calling “Lincoln High School” “Lincoln High School Education Place.”
Note that in this artist's rendering, there is no sign designating this establishment as a "college school."
Anyway, after going to college school, Bach went on to … I don’t know, become a wedding singer or something, because that’s how Skid Row (which had everything but a lead singer, much like all the bands I knew in high school) discovered him. The band loved him and flew him out to New Jersey to start playing gigs. (In the 1980s, New Jersey was a rock mecca. See: Jovi, Bon.) The group had hits like 18 and Life and other songs that I never really listened to and don’t remember. I think 18 and Life was a really famous one, though. You can correct me if I’m wrong, but try to use proper punctuation to do so.
Oh, and feel free to educate me on the rest of the band's names. Just be aware that I won't actually care at all.
In 1989, Bach suffered some backlash for wearing a tee-shirt during a concert that said “AIDS kills fags dead.” His defense was that a fan threw him the shirt and he put it on without looking at it, which seems like a really bad policy, considering most fans throwing stuff at you are 1) crazy; 2) probably quite smelly; 3) possibly currently naked. Just throw the shirt back is what I’m saying.
In 1990, Bach performed with Guns N’ Roses and Metallica, and the impromptu band called themselves “The Gak,” which leads me to believe that going to college school doesn’t necessarily give you a large vocabulary from which to choose band names.
Huh. Who knew, right?
Skid Row went on to do some more stuff. Notably not among that stuff was opening for KISS in 1996. “We’re too big to open for KISS,” said the other band members. “You’re never too big to open for KISS,” said Bach, revealing a long-hidden man-crush on Gene Simmons. In the same paragraph, Wikipedia claims both that Bach was fired and that he left the band. Pick your favorite one, I guess.
I know it's hard. It's like picking your favorite photo of Bach in a leather jacket with no shirt on.
After Skid Row, Bach joined a band with The Breeders’ Kelley Deal, The Smashing Pumpkins’ Jimmy Chamberlain and The Frogs’ (The Frogs?) Jimmy Flemiron. As The Last Hard Men (which seems to reveal a little something about Kelley Deal I never knew), they recorded an album for Atlantic Records, which the company decided not to release. It was later released by Deal’s Nice Records, and is now available commercially if you missed out on the first 1,000 copies.
In 2000, Bach began appearing in Broadway shows, earning the title role of Jekyll & Hyde, which I always assumed would be played by two men, but I guess not? He was later replaced by David Hasselhoff, which I find hilarious for various reasons.
OK, just two: "David Hasselhoff" and "Broadway."
In 2002, Bach became the host of VH1 show called VH1′s Forever Wild, which I guess probably people who watch VH1 would have heard of. He also joined a touring performance of Jesus Christ Superstar as Jesus Christ himself. From 2003 to 2007, he apparently had a recurring role in Gilmore Girls, which I might’ve watched if it had robots or spies or something. He still performs with his band Sebastian Bach, which is variously called that, Sebastian Bach and Friends (better, I guess, than Sebastian Bach and Enemies) or Bach Tight Five. That last one is probably a reference to something. I’m assuming football.
I was using "football" as a euphemism for "sex," but I guess I should've used "rugby."
VH1 came a’knocking again in 2006 with Supergroup, which I’d tell you more about if I had ever cared what became of Jason Bonham and Ted Nugent. Since then, Bach has toured as a solo act with Guns N’ Roses and has released a solo album called Kicking & Screaming. Also, he was arrested for biting a bar owner. I kind of love that.
Actually, he does kind of look like a biter.
After the destruction of his home in August 2011 by Hurricane Irene, Bach resides in a temporary home in New Jersey and is considering moving to L.A. And hopefully biting more bar owners.
Oh, yeah. You can tell from that look in his eyes that he's thinking about it.
