Look, I want you to know I’m sorry I stood you up the last three Fridays. It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, it’s just that … well, I kind of assumed you’d be on holiday break, like all the cool kids. Also? I didn’t want to see you.
What? No, don’t cry. It’s not you, it’s me.
You know what, Chuck? I can’t lie to you. Not with your big pleading puppy dog eyes. Not after what we had together. It is you. It’s very definitely you. I mean, sure, I’ve changed and grown, but there could still be room in my heart for you, if you hadn’t started to suck so damn bad, that is.
No, please don’t cry. It’s not your fault.
I blame myself for this. Oh, sure, I never signed an online petition to keep you on the air, and I never bought Subway sandwiches to keep you on the air (I’m sorry, but they’re just gross, I don’t care what Big Mike says, and I love that guy!), but deep down, I always kind of hoped you would stay on the air.
But just through the fourth season, because everybody’s fifth season sucks and, dammit, Chuck, you are ruining all the good feelings I had for you. I tuned in to you because Chuck Bartowski was a sweet, cowardly little ball of fluff who was working on becoming a better person! Because John Casey and Sarah Walker were genuinely terrifying people who were willing to stop at nothing to complete an assignment. And now what do I see? Everybody’s a big cuddly ball of fluff and no one’s just flat out murdering anybody for the good of the country anymore and I really miss that dichotomy.
Also, bring back Anna Wu!
In conclusion, it’s over. For reals this time.
Good luck in your future endeavors, show. I’ll never forget you. Except for the fifth season so far, because I really really don’t want to remember that.
As I re-watch Battlestar Galactica, I realize that a thing I had forgotten is how much I enjoy watching Tricia Helfer beat the living daylights out of Katee Sackhoff.
You know, I think I’d really like to see A Game of Shadows. Or I mean, I would, if Guy Ritchie would just go ahead and name the character something else because THAT’S NOT SHERLOCK HOLMES.
(I know. Some of you thought I’d gotten past this, didn’t you? Well, I haven’t. And I won’t. And I never will.)
I mean, sure, Holmes is a badass to end all badasses, and, yes, I can buy that he would defeat any adversary with a gun, a cane or his bare hands, but the whole thing is still just off somehow and, for that, I can’t forgive Guy Ritchie.
So, yeah, I might’ve gone to see A Game of Shadows because it actually looks pretty cool, and I love seeing Robert Downey Jr. beat people down and be all dapper. And Jude Law is still handsome, ridiculous moustache or no. But it’s not a Sherlock Holmes movie, no matter how much it claims to be.
So Christmas time has come again, which means your favorite TV shows are going to have Christmas-themed episodes of variable quality, you’ll get to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the 277th time, and you’ll catch the occasional Christmas-themed flick during your weekend television viewing.
But you know what Christmas movie you’re probably not going to see?
The Long Kiss Goodnight.
And that is a damnable shame.
Because The Long Kiss Goodnight is the best Christmas movie ever.
See, you’ve got Geena Davis (playing a spy with amnesia way before anybody ever heard of Jason Bourne) killing people left and right, all the while being a total badass.
You’ve got Samuel L. Jackson getting exploded right out of a window and being just fine.
You’ve got buildings exploding and massacres on farms. You’ve got the government conspiring with terrorists. You’ve got Geena Davis saying to the big baddie: “You’re going to die screaming. And I’m going to watch.”
You’ve got Geena Davis’s little girl saying, “Mommy, are we going to die?” And Geena Davis answering, “No, you’re not going to die, honey. They are.” She’s the best mommy ever!!!
And all of this immense awesome is set against a background of O Holy Nights and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
(Oh, and some guy gets started on fire in a helicopter somehow, and as he’s falling to his death, he gets tangled up in a bunch of Christmas lights.)
God bless us all, everyone, indeed.
Ever since I mentioned it in my last Holmes face-off, I’ve been wondering how the genius detective would fare against the genius mystery archeologist. So I’ve decided to go ahead and have two of my favorite fictional characters ever in the whole world meet in battle. And by battle, I mean, you know, a list of things that I like about them.
At any rate: Sherlock Holmes! Versus! Elijah Snow!
Oh, God, how can I ever choose?
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes is a tall, gangly and somewhat homely fellow, except when he’s played by the dashing Robert Downing Jr. and the exceedingly beautiful Benedict Cumberbatch. Elijah Snow is a white fox who looks hella good in a white suit. Winner? *sob* I just … I just can’t … They’re both so … it’s a tie.
Has superpowers? Elijah Snow has the superpower of heat subtraction, which is basically the ability to make things colder than a witch’s tit after she’s been sunbathing nude in February. Sherlock Holmes has the superpower of being smarter than you. I’m not sure that’s a real superpower. Winner? Elijah Snow.
Was trained by a genius detective? Hey, you know who was trained by a genius detective? Elijah Snow. Elijah Snow was trained by a genius detective. Winner? Elijah Snow.
Is the genius detective who did said training? Hey, you know who was the genius detective who trained Elijah Snow? Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is that genius detective. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Thus it is implied that someone perhaps didn’t need any training to become a genius detective? That’s not actually a question. Shut up. You shut up. Maybe we should all shut up. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Is more than a century old? Elijah Snow is more than a century old, and he looks really good for his age too.
Stars in stories that transcend the ages? Sherlock Holmes the character is more than a century old too! Also, he will never die. Like Santa Claus! (What? It’s almost Christmas.) Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Looks good in a white suit? Right now, I would like to put it out into the world that someone should dress Benedict Cumberbatch in a white suit for an episode of Sherlock. Until then, our winner is the always-stylish Elijah Snow.
Can work a deerstalker cap like no one’s business? I don’t care if the deerstalker cap wasn’t originally canon, people can’t think of Holmes without thinking of deerstalker caps, even if they don’t know that they’re called deerstalker caps. Kind of like I didn’t know Trilby hats were called Trilby hats until this fall. I know! I went so much of my life without knowing that! Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a better sidekick? Elijah Snow actually has two sidekicks: the beautiful and deadly Jakita Wagner and The Drummer, who is crazy and can communicate with electronics and stuff. I love those guys! But Sherlock Holmes has Watson. Watson is Watson! It’s just … I can’t … don’t make me! Winner? A tie.
Has traversed the multiverse? I said it that way so it rhymed. Elijah Snow has gone to a couple of alternate earths, which is way more traversing of the multiverse than the rest of us have gotten around to, so it counts. Sherlock Holmes lives in fictional 1800s London, which, yeah, doesn’t have magic spaceships or whatever yet. Winner? Elijah Snow.
Oh, yeah, but who’s done more traveling by hansom cab? When I was but a wee little lass reading Sherlock Holmes stories, I always thought he and Watson were traveling in attractive cabs. Ha, ha, I was really stupid. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
So it’s totally a tie. So it is.
Are you planning to do anything about that? Well, I … GAH! Why am I putting myself through this? I love these guys sooooo much! How could I choose? How could I possibly ever???
Sooooo, no tiebreaker then? *sniff*
Are you just going to keep crying? Maybe.
*Sigh*. No. No, I’m fine. Let’s go on, then. Let’s do this.
Let’s. The tie-breaking, heartbreaking final absolutely last question: Who currently stars on a show airing on the BBC? Wow, that seems really biased. Kind of like, maybe deep down, I always wanted Sherlock Holmes to take this thing. Winner? Sherlock “The Undefeatable” Holmes.
Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, mostly because he is my all-time favorite fictional character in the whole world ever, and partially because it’s winter now so things that make me colder are pissing me off.