(Officially) A breakup letter to Chuck
Dear Chuck,
Look, I want you to know I’m sorry I stood you up the last three Fridays. It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, it’s just that … well, I kind of assumed you’d be on holiday break, like all the cool kids. Also? I didn’t want to see you.
No matter HOW awesome everyone's hair looks this season.
What? No, don’t cry. It’s not you, it’s me.
*Sigh*
You know what, Chuck? I can’t lie to you. Not with your big pleading puppy dog eyes. Not after what we had together. It is you. It’s very definitely you. I mean, sure, I’ve changed and grown, but there could still be room in my heart for you, if you hadn’t started to suck so damn bad, that is.
I can't forgive you for MORGAN WITH THE INTERSECT.
No, please don’t cry. It’s not your fault.
I blame myself for this. Oh, sure, I never signed an online petition to keep you on the air, and I never bought Subway sandwiches to keep you on the air (I’m sorry, but they’re just gross, I don’t care what Big Mike says, and I love that guy!), but deep down, I always kind of hoped you would stay on the air.
Big Mike, I'm sorry you've been reduced to being a shill for Subway. I hope they are compensating you with piles of cash and beautiful ladies. Who are also in piles.
But just through the fourth season, because everybody’s fifth season sucks and, dammit, Chuck, you are ruining all the good feelings I had for you. I tuned in to you because Chuck Bartowski was a sweet, cowardly little ball of fluff who was working on becoming a better person! Because John Casey and Sarah Walker were genuinely terrifying people who were willing to stop at nothing to complete an assignment. And now what do I see? Everybody’s a big cuddly ball of fluff and no one’s just flat out murdering anybody for the good of the country anymore and I really miss that dichotomy.
You hardly ever kill anybody anymore, John Casey, and I miss that about you.
Also, bring back Anna Wu!
And not just to be dumped by Morgan AGAIN because that was ridiculous.
In conclusion, it’s over. For reals this time.
Good luck in your future endeavors, show. I’ll never forget you. Except for the fifth season so far, because I really really don’t want to remember that.
I think we'll ALL be happier if we can forget.
Cat fight!
As I re-watch Battlestar Galactica, I realize that a thing I had forgotten is how much I enjoy watching Tricia Helfer beat the living daylights out of Katee Sackhoff.
Well, I couldn't find an image of the fight, but I figured no one's gonna turn up their nose at this picture. Rowr.
The movie I didn’t see last weekend
You know, I think I’d really like to see A Game of Shadows. Or I mean, I would, if Guy Ritchie would just go ahead and name the character something else because THAT’S NOT SHERLOCK HOLMES.
Oh, I know what the poster says. But the poster is a lying liar who lies.
(I know. Some of you thought I’d gotten past this, didn’t you? Well, I haven’t. And I won’t. And I never will.)
I mean, sure, Holmes is a badass to end all badasses, and, yes, I can buy that he would defeat any adversary with a gun, a cane or his bare hands, but the whole thing is still just off somehow and, for that, I can’t forgive Guy Ritchie.
I've got no problem with Robert Downey Jr., though. I could never hold a grudge against the beautiful people.
So, yeah, I might’ve gone to see A Game of Shadows because it actually looks pretty cool, and I love seeing Robert Downey Jr. beat people down and be all dapper. And Jude Law is still handsome, ridiculous moustache or no. But it’s not a Sherlock Holmes movie, no matter how much it claims to be.
The Long Kiss Goodnight is an underrated holiday classic
So Christmas time has come again, which means your favorite TV shows are going to have Christmas-themed episodes of variable quality, you’ll get to see Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer for the 277th time, and you’ll catch the occasional Christmas-themed flick during your weekend television viewing.
But you know what Christmas movie you’re probably not going to see?
The Long Kiss Goodnight.
Also, it has, like, the BEST action movie name ever.
And that is a damnable shame.
Because The Long Kiss Goodnight is the best Christmas movie ever.
See, you’ve got Geena Davis (playing a spy with amnesia way before anybody ever heard of Jason Bourne) killing people left and right, all the while being a total badass.
I mean, she can ice skate AND murder people at the same time. I can't even ice skate!
You’ve got Samuel L. Jackson getting exploded right out of a window and being just fine.
And the guy from X-Men: The Second One stows a gun in the BEST PLACE EVER.
You’ve got buildings exploding and massacres on farms. You’ve got the government conspiring with terrorists. You’ve got Geena Davis saying to the big baddie: “You’re going to die screaming. And I’m going to watch.”
And who can forget the water torture scene, when she says all terrifying-like to the bad guy: "I let you touch me, Cowboy. I think I need a bath."
You’ve got Geena Davis’s little girl saying, “Mommy, are we going to die?” And Geena Davis answering, “No, you’re not going to die, honey. They are.” She’s the best mommy ever!!!
I feel like I'd be a better mother if I had access to machine guns.
And all of this immense awesome is set against a background of O Holy Nights and God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.
(Oh, and some guy gets started on fire in a helicopter somehow, and as he’s falling to his death, he gets tangled up in a bunch of Christmas lights.)
God bless us all, everyone, indeed.
Sherlock Holmes vs. Elijah Snow
Ever since I mentioned it in my last Holmes face-off, I’ve been wondering how the genius detective would fare against the genius mystery archeologist. So I’ve decided to go ahead and have two of my favorite fictional characters ever in the whole world meet in battle. And by battle, I mean, you know, a list of things that I like about them.
At any rate: Sherlock Holmes! Versus! Elijah Snow!
Oh, God, how can I ever choose?
Physicality. Sherlock Holmes is a tall, gangly and somewhat homely fellow, except when he’s played by the dashing Robert Downing Jr. and the exceedingly beautiful Benedict Cumberbatch. Elijah Snow is a white fox who looks hella good in a white suit. Winner? *sob* I just … I just can’t … They’re both so … it’s a tie.
Has superpowers? Elijah Snow has the superpower of heat subtraction, which is basically the ability to make things colder than a witch’s tit after she’s been sunbathing nude in February. Sherlock Holmes has the superpower of being smarter than you. I’m not sure that’s a real superpower. Winner? Elijah Snow.
Elijah Snow’s superpower in action. Also, he has the superpower of being a billionaire, so he can totally afford a new desk.
Was trained by a genius detective? Hey, you know who was trained by a genius detective? Elijah Snow. Elijah Snow was trained by a genius detective. Winner? Elijah Snow.
He didn’t need any training in being a badass, though.
Is the genius detective who did said training? Hey, you know who was the genius detective who trained Elijah Snow? Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes is that genius detective. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Thus it is implied that someone perhaps didn’t need any training to become a genius detective? That’s not actually a question. Shut up. You shut up. Maybe we should all shut up. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
I tell you, being smarter than you IS my superpower.
Is more than a century old? Elijah Snow is more than a century old, and he looks really good for his age too.
Stars in stories that transcend the ages? Sherlock Holmes the character is more than a century old too! Also, he will never die. Like Santa Claus! (What? It’s almost Christmas.) Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Oooh, ooh! I call dibs on “Sherlock Holmes Saves Christmas”!
Looks good in a white suit? Right now, I would like to put it out into the world that someone should dress Benedict Cumberbatch in a white suit for an episode of Sherlock. Until then, our winner is the always-stylish Elijah Snow.
We’d look so good at the opera together.
Can work a deerstalker cap like no one’s business? I don’t care if the deerstalker cap wasn’t originally canon, people can’t think of Holmes without thinking of deerstalker caps, even if they don’t know that they’re called deerstalker caps. Kind of like I didn’t know Trilby hats were called Trilby hats until this fall. I know! I went so much of my life without knowing that! Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Fashion!
Has a better sidekick? Elijah Snow actually has two sidekicks: the beautiful and deadly Jakita Wagner and The Drummer, who is crazy and can communicate with electronics and stuff. I love those guys! But Sherlock Holmes has Watson. Watson is Watson! It’s just … I can’t … don’t make me! Winner? A tie.
Jakita Wagner can jump out of helicopters without hurting anyone but you.
Has traversed the multiverse? I said it that way so it rhymed. Elijah Snow has gone to a couple of alternate earths, which is way more traversing of the multiverse than the rest of us have gotten around to, so it counts. Sherlock Holmes lives in fictional 1800s London, which, yeah, doesn’t have magic spaceships or whatever yet. Winner? Elijah Snow.
When you gaze into the multiverse, the multiverse gazes also into you.
Oh, yeah, but who’s done more traveling by hansom cab? When I was but a wee little lass reading Sherlock Holmes stories, I always thought he and Watson were traveling in attractive cabs. Ha, ha, I was really stupid. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
“What do you mean it’s ‘Hansom’?” — College Me
So it’s totally a tie. So it is.
Are you planning to do anything about that? Well, I … GAH! Why am I putting myself through this? I love these guys sooooo much! How could I choose? How could I possibly ever???
Sooooo, no tiebreaker then? *sniff*
Are you just going to keep crying? Maybe.
*Sigh*. No. No, I’m fine. Let’s go on, then. Let’s do this.
Let’s. The tie-breaking, heartbreaking final absolutely last question: Who currently stars on a show airing on the BBC? Wow, that seems really biased. Kind of like, maybe deep down, I always wanted Sherlock Holmes to take this thing. Winner? Sherlock “The Undefeatable” Holmes.
I knew she’d pick me.
Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, mostly because he is my all-time favorite fictional character in the whole world ever, and partially because it’s winter now so things that make me colder are pissing me off.
