At work, we recently got a new printer/copier/fax machine. As I was admiring the futuristic-ness of its design, the technician overheard me.
“It’s a Cylon printer,” he said.
“Quick, destroy it before it enslaves us all!” I replied.
“What are you two on about?” said my coworkers.
Boy, that Sam Worthington sure is good looking.
Yup. Sure is.
Man on a Ledge looks like utter shit though.
Like their sons (er, spoiler alert, I guess) before them, it’s time for these two to face off in battle. A fictional character battle.
Darth Vader is …. You know what? If you don’t know who Darth Vader is, I’d like to welcome you to the future and find out more about the time machine you built in Victorian England. If you haven’t got a time machine from the Victorian era, then you know who Darth Vader is.
Cmdr. William Adam is actually Admiral (I don’t know the abbreviation for that, how silly of me, right?) William Adama, but I totally got used to calling him Cmdr. Adama after the first season and a half of Battlestar Galactica, so Cmdr. Adama it is. Anyway, Cmdr. Adam is in Battlestar Galactica, and is far superior to his son, Lee “Apollo” Adama, in every way that counts except for the glory of his chest.
Anyway, on to the battle!
Physicality. Darth Vader is a hideously disfigured monster who goes around in one of the most iconic bad guy suits of all bad guy suits. Cmdr. Adama isn’t really hideously disfigured, but he has got that craggy face, soooo…. Winner? Let’s go with “tossup” on this one.
Sounds like James Earl Jones? Darth Vader sounds a lot like James Earl Jones. As we all wish we did! Winner? Darth Vadar.
Sounds like Edward James Olmos? Cmdr. Adama not only sounds like Edward James Olmos, he looks like him too! Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Commands an awesome interstellar battlestar of some kind? Cmdr. Adama, coincidently enough, is called such because he commands an interstellar battlestar known as the Galactica. So, yes, he definitely commands an awesome interstellar battlestar of some kind. Darth Vader is often seen on some kind of a space station known as a “death star,” which is even scarier sounding than battlestar, even though they’d both wreck your shit up but good. Also, he kind of second-in-commands it, but I think that’s close enough. Winner? It’s a tie.
Has the power to kill you with his mind? Darth Vader harnasses the power of the dark side of the force, being an evil Sith lord and all, and totally kills people with his mind, like, for pointing out he left his evil zipper down or something. Cmdr. Adama is very intimidating and probably causes people to wet themselves in sheer terror, but he doesn’t actually kill anybody with his mind. Winner? Darth Vader.
Has a lightsaber? Darth Vader has a lightsaber. Winner? Darth Vader.
Has a scarier boss? Darth Vader’s boss is The Emperor, a guy who has the power to shoot lightning bolts from his fingers and look really, really ugly despite not being thrown in a volcano. He’s pretty scary. But Cmdr. Adama’s boss is Admiral Helena Cain, commander of the Battlestar Pegasus, one of the scariest ladies in the whole 13 colonies. She’s seriously scary! She makes President Roslin look like a cuddly little bunny rabbit, I swear. Scary! Anyway, thank God she’s dead. Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Once leapt a Battlestar into a planet’s atmosphere, just to create an ominous portent of doom? OK, and also to rescue the survivors of humanity who had been captured by the Cylons. Winner? Obviously, it’s Cmdr. William “Bad. Ass.” Adama.
Speaking of Cylons, faced two generations of Cylons and won? Man, these last two categories aren’t even fair to poor old Vader. On the other hand, there’s no lightsabers in BSG, so whatever. On the other other hand, I wouldn’t call what happened at the end of Battlestar Galactica winning, per se, so…. Winner? Ha! I’m just kidding. Of course it’s Cmdr. Adama.
Has a tragic love? Before Darth Vader became Darth Vader, he was Anakin Skywalker, a character that I never knew would bore me until I saw the prequels. And during that (incredibly boring) time, he met and fell in love with Natalie Portman, because, really, who wouldn’t? She died giving birth to their twins or something, in the prequel that I managed not to watch, leaving some of my fond childhood memories of Star Wars mostly intact. So that’s pretty tragic. But! Cmdr. Adama falls in love with President Laura Roslin, who is dying of cancer and also most of humanity has been killed. Tragic to the utmost! Also, they have a theme song that’s really, really beautiful. Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Has a hotter son? I’m sorry, Mark Hamill, but have you seen Apollo? Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Overall winner? Wow! It looks like it’s Cmdr. William Adama in a stunning upset. I mean, I really thought Darth Vader would take this through sheer nostalgia alone. Really! I had no idea that I secretly liked Commander William Adama much better.
Caller: Can you mail that to (street number) Antigone? A-N-
Me: Oh, that’s OK. You don’t need to spell it out. I’m familiar with my Greek tragedies.
Caller: Oh, you used to live around here?
Me: Huh? No, no. It’s a play? By Sophocles?
Caller: So where did you live around here?
Me: Why don’t I just go ahead and get your ZIP code?
That is why I want you to listen to Guitar Vader’s Happy East, so that you can sing along (or do like I do, and make noises that kind of sound like singing, because I can’t quite understand what she’s saying) and be happy (East).
Ehhh, like you were expecting me to hate the second season of Sherlock or something, right?
Anyway, thanks to the advice of some of my lovely readers (who directed me to the Sherlock streaming videos), I was able to watch two and 1/3 episodes of Sherlock (Season 2) last night before falling asleep and drooling all over the computer keyboard.
So here’s my thoughts on the first episode, because I was still mostly awake by then.
A Scandal in Belgravia is, of course, based on the (in?)famous first Holmes Story: A Scandal in Bohemia. Featuring none other than Irene Adler, whom I have an irrational hatred for, thanks to everybody but Sir Arthur Conan Doyle trying to make her into Holmes’ romantic interest. So, knowing she lay ahead (hahahaha, that could totally be a double entrende, right?) (no, you can tell it’s supposed to be funny because I wrote out the sound of laughter), I went into the episode with mixed expectations.
And? I still hate Irene Adler. I’m irrational like that. But it sure was fun to watch her make Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock squirm for a good hour and a half.
Anyhoos, my favorite bits were:
Moriarty’s ringtone is “Stayin’ Alive!” because of course it is. Right then, I fell a bit in love with Moriarty. Also, when he threatened to skin someone and wear them as shoes.
“Irene Adler? She’s known as ‘The Woman,’” because nice callback to the original canon, you guys!
And, of course, everybody running around naked or in bedsheets, especially Benedict Cumberbatch, huzzah!
Also, when Holmes asks Watson to punch him in the face and he won’t do it, so Holmes punches Watson and then Watson totally tries to kill him.
Ooh, ooh, and when Sherlock throws that guy out the window for assaulting Mrs. Hudson, like, when I saw that he’d hurt her, I was like “Kill him, Sherlock! Kill him!”, but I guess maiming is OK too.
And the bit with that poor, put-upon morgue girl who’s got the crush on Sherlock, like, how low is her self-esteem that she can’t just give up on that jerk already? (And I thought when he was saying all those awful, awful things about her lipstick and the present and then it turned out to be for him, that she was perhaps like, “OK, you know what? I’m finally done with him, it’s over, he’s a wanker,” but then he apologizes and kisses her on the cheek (!), so you know she was like, “Well, he does have his sweet side,” and she’s just ruined for life.) (Oh, and didn’t you just feel terrible for her when Sherlock identifies the nude body at the morgue and she says to Lestrade, “Why did he recognize her … from not her face?”)
And Watson getting dumped by his girlfriend (Sherlock, trying to remember said girlfriend’s name: “Who came after the boring schoolteacher?” Girlfriend: “No one.” Sherlock: “Jeanette!”) after she tells him what a great boyfriend he is. “Sherlock is very lucky,” she says.
Plus, Mycroft Holmes’ elegant solution to exploding airplanes: Load ‘em up with corpses! That’s brilliant! The terrorists think they’ve accomplished their whatever, it hides the British government’s inside sources and nobody gets blowed up who wasn’t dead to begin with! Everyone wins, except people who wanted their loved ones’ remains!
Also, the parade of potential clients and Watson’s ever-expanding blog: “The Geek Interpreter,” “The Speckled Blond” (Please, please tell me the third season’s going to have The Case of the Speckled Band, because that one is totally my favorite!)
And, of course, Benedict Cumberbatch in a deerstalker. I never knew that was a fetish of mine, but I guess I know now. So, thanks for that, BBC!
Now when does the third season start?
Fictionally speaking, I’m very snobbish about my Sherlock Holmes. Which you knew already.
But perhaps you didn’t know, unless you’ve been in my house and have seen my collection that borders on insanity, I adore Marilyn Monroe. Also, I’m not a hoarder.
Anyway, opening in my town this weekend is My Week with Marilyn, which I refuse to see on the general principle that Michelle Williams is not actually Marilyn Monroe.
Is that stupid?
Yes. Yes, it is.
But I stand by my stupidity. Because I am deeply illogical when it comes to things I love.
… And fake boobs!
Which is why, today, we’re wondering: What became of Pamela Anderson (occasionally Lee)?
Of course, first we have to find out what started Pamela Anderson (sometimes Lee).
(Why? Because I said so, that’s why.)
Pamela Anderson was born as Pamela Anderson, which makes sense, because who changes their name to Pamela Anderson? Anyway, she was born Canadian and lived Canadian for as many as 21 years before being discovered at some sort of sports event. I’d say hockey, since it’s Canada, but Wikipedia says she was taken down to the “field” after being shown on the stadium television, and I don’t think hockey has fields. So maybe baseball or Non-American football or something. Or lacrosse. Lacrosse has fields, possibly.
But the point isn’t what sporting event she was discovered at, the point is that she was discovered. Discovered like a pretty girl in a tight shirt.
Thus began her modeling career. She posed for Playboy, and was Playmate of the month and then decided to get breast implants, like why bother at that point, though, right? But bother she did. And it was apparently the kick in the rear that her career needed, as she scored a role on Home Improvement in the early ’90s as the Tool Time Girl, and, no, I never watched that show, so I don’t know what that means. But I’m sure it’s wonderful and wasn’t demeaning at all.
After two years of tool timing, Anderson was cast in Baywatch, which was later adapted into a slow-motion movie for which she won an Oscar. Or I’m thinking of Futurama here, and you should ignore everything after the word “Baywatch.” Baywatch was famed for its believable characters, witty dialogue and thought-provoking … oh, wait, I’m thinking of Futurama again. Baywatch was best known for BOOBS! Slow motion, bouncing, jiggling, wiggling, wobbling BOOBS.
(Thank God Anderson got those breast implants.)
In 1994, she earned a starring role in Raw Justice, and 1996 brought Barb Wire. Wikipedia describes Barb Wire as a thinly-veiled remake of Casablanca, and I just don’t believe that at all.
Then, in 1998, Anderson starred in the very excellent V.I.P. (short for Valerie Iron Protection, or something like that). I loved that show. It was sheer TV brilliance, what with the foxy glasses chick, the foxy tough chick, the other foxy tough chick, Anderson as the foxy ditzy chick and also some guy who went around looking like a food addict at the best buffet ever. (I know you thought I was joking earlier, but I really did enjoy V.I.P. True confessions!)
In 2003, she returned to the beaches for a Baywatch movie, which I guess didn’t win any Oscars, but you’d have to ask someone from the 31st century for sure.
In 2004, Anderson appeared nude on the cover of Playboy, the first time she had ever been photographed nude, which confuses me, because I assumed that’s what you did when you were the centerfold, like in that J. Geils Band song. Also in 2004, Anderson wrote a book called Star and signed autographs at Wal-Mart, which actually makes a lot of sense to me, because way more people go to Wal-Mart than to bookstores. She followed it up with Star Struck, which I have also never heard of.
At some point, Anderson was married to Tommy Lee from Motley Crue and later to Kid Rock, but I don’t care about those guys, so I don’t feel like documenting the dates of those marriages. Because lazy. Unfortunately for Anderson, though, during her time with Lee, they shared needles and she contracted Hepatitis C, which is not funny at all, and is really depressing.
Moving right along, IMDb says that Anderson got her breast implants removed in 1999, but doesn’t mention when she got new ones. Also, Anderson is involved with PETA and posed nude in a store window to protest wearing fur. That sounds chilly to me.
TV credits to Anderson’s name, in addition to V.I.P. and Baywatch, include Stripperella (causing me more Futurama confusion, because I thought that was Leela’s superhero name, until I remembered that was Clobberella) and Stacked. It was about a bookstore, don’t be dirty.
Since then, she’s appeared in 2008′s Blonde and Blonder as (worst character name EVER) Dee Twiddle (and shut up, I get the Alice in Wonderland reference, and it still sucks), Superhero Movie as Invisible Girl and Hollywood & Wine in 2008. In 2010, she had a role as Female Guest in Hotel in The Commuter, and in 2011 she was in A Russell Peters Christmas Special. No, I don’t know who that is, either.
So there you go: Probably more than you ever wanted to know about Pamela Anderson (no longer Lee).
Aw, man, I really don’t want to have to watch Contraband. I mean, it’s a paint-by-numbers action flick, which is the sort of thing I’ve come to expect from Mark Wahlberg and Kate Beckinsale.
But not from my boy Caleb Landry Jones! (He plays the brother-in-law that the bad smugglers are going to kill and then Mark Wahlberg, who is a good smuggler, has to save him and then he has to save his wife, and also there’s a bit where the bad guys put duct tape all over their faces as disguises or something. I guess it looks cool enough, but didn’t they think through to the duct tape removal part? Eh, that’s why they’re on the wrong side of the law, I guess.) (And, oh, crap, that was the talented and wonderful J.K. Simmons I saw in a brief scene. J.K. Simmons, Nooooo!)
Anyway, for some reason, I expect Caleb Landry Jones to only be in quality pieces of filmage, and I’m not exactly sure why that is, except for he’s been on Breaking Bad and Friday Night Lights, both of which I’ve heard are really good shows.
Also, why is he playing Kate Beckinsdale’s younger brother when it’s totally more believable he’s her kid from a previous marriage?
Whatever. Anyway, as much as the presence of Caleb Landry Jones tempts me, I will probably watch Breaking Bad before I ever watch Contraband.
What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?