So a lot of Edgar Allen Poe reviewers have been giving John Cusack guff (what? It’s a thing my mom says, all right? I’m channeling my mom) for the new film, The Raven, wherein Cusack plays a Poe who must find a killer who’s using his stories as inspiration.
“Poe deserves better,” they say.
Well, they’re wrong.
Poe deserves every horrible movie ever made about him.
After all, he created all the nightmares of our young adult lives: The Tell-Tale Heart.
The Cask of Amontillado. (On a related note, I somehow managed to spell Amontillado correctly on the first try. I just want everyone to know that.)
The Masque of the Red Death!
After reading the book your well-intentioned aunt gave you in the third grade, you never slept again.
And those night terrors, my friends, are why Poe deserves to have bad movies made about him. I know it’s a daring stance, but I’m taking it.
My beloved Fringe has gotten renewed for a fifth season, which is GREAT news because I believe these folks can actually pull a decent ending out of their collective ass and make all us fans happy.
God bless you, Fox, a thing I never thought I’d say.
Dear Daniel Grayson (from TV’s Revenge),
I know that you’re already engaged and all, but I want you to know that I love you much more than your fiancee will ever do.
There are several reasons I believe this, and they are as follows:
First off: I’m not actively seeking revenge against your family for the horrible crimes they have committed against my father. Any horrible crimes committed against my father are surely a result of his own somewhat evil nature and, thus, are entirely deserved. Also, I don’t think your parents know my father, because they’re fictional and he’s not. I mean, at least according to what my mom tells me.
Secondly: While Emily Thorne (and is that even her real name? Actually, it’s not, but you don’t know that. Or didn’t, until you read this love letter, I guess) has buckets of her own money and doesn’t need to marry into wealth, I have no money of my own and definitely wouldn’t mind marrying into wealth. Especially your wealth, ya big lug!
Thirdly: You’ve noticed she has feelings for her old crush from when she was a kid, right? Well, my crush from when I was a kid is a used car salesman, and hasn’t gotten any taller since the fifth grade (errr … not that that’s a dig at your own height issues, of course. Thanks to your excessive wealth and charm, I’m quite willing to overlook your shrimpiness [suspiciously enough, your IMDb page doesn't even mention your height, so I can only assume you are teeny]), so I’ve got no feelings for him. None! Heck, I can barely remember that guy’s name! Mr. Former-crush-now-car-salesman or something, I think.
Fourth of all: You are just so cute, with the way you don’t realize how utterly evil your parents are and how your fiancee is a total con artist and the way your best friend was also a con artist who was psychotic and tried to murder you.
I mean, you’re just so trusting! That’s adorable, Daniel Grayson, and I respect it. (Respect it or “will use it against you,” either way.)
Fifthmost: I mentioned I’d be willing to marry you for your money, right?
Sixth of all: Even though the murder charges against you have been dropped, you’re still a bit of a pariah in the social world of the Hamptons, which is great, because then we could just hang out at your place and play video games all day and not worry about all that schmoozing and revenging that your current fiancee would like to be up to.
So, there you go, Daniel Grayson. A mostly coherent list about why I love you more than your current, eviiiiiil fiancee who is totally using you for her own ends. Please consider my bid to be your betrothed.
But if it’s indoors, then it can’t be a yard sale and are you sure you don’t mean rummage sale GAAAAHHHHH!
So, this weekend, another Nicholas Sparks adaptation opens, The Lucky One, which makes me wonder 1) exactly how many novels Nicholas Sparks has written; 2) are they all going to get made into movies; 3) dear God, why?
Anyhow, The Lucky One is the story of Zac Efron finding a photograph of a woman while he’s off being a soldier and somehow it saves him from getting all blowed up or something, and so he decides to track her down. This makes me wonder 1) what happened to the person who was carrying her photo; 2) did they manage to find a woman shorter than Zac Efron or does she have to stand in a hole for most of the movie; 3) am I supposed to believe Zac Efron is grownup or something?
Then, of course, because this is a Nicholas Sparks novel, he does find the woman, they do fall in love and he says something like “I think you should be kissed every hour on the hour, like some kind of sexy grandfather clock. With tongue,” and then the narrator proclaims it’s the perfect date movie!, which makes me wonder 1) fecking really?; 2) do I know anyone who would think this would be the perfect movie to take me on a date to?; 3) how can I get that person out of my life quickly and forever?
Anyway, I’m sure it all ends it tragedy, because I’ve heard Nicholas Sparks joints do that, so there you go. The Lucky One.
One’s an amorphous blob of indiscriminate evil, the other’s a hideous space alien.
Star Wars Jabba the Hutt in an epic battle against The Sopranos Tony Soprano. (By “epic,” I mean, these fictional character battles are usually longer than my other posts, kind of like epics are longer than regular novels.)
Which of these organized crime members will come out on top?
Will it be the guy in the show I’ve never seen?
Who knows, right?
Off to battle!
Physicality. Jabba the Hutt is a hideous space monster thing. He’s got stubby little Tyrannosaurus arms without the powerful hind legs to propel him. Tony Soprano is played by James Gandolfini, who’s got a little something sexy going on. Winner? Tony Soprano.
Has an interstellar space vehicle? I love redundantly saying “interstellar space.” Just makes space sound cooler, y’know? Anyway, Tony Soprano lives on earth, where the only people with interstellar vessels of any sort are the governments or, if you’re a conspiracy theorist, the rich and powerful. As a Mob member, I guess Tony could be rich and powerful enough to have an interstellar space vehicle, but you’d think it would’ve come up as a plot point then. Jabba the Hutt lives in the Star Wars universe, where everybody has an interstellar space vehicle. Because there’s no point in having a space opera without spaceships, that’s why. Unfortunately for Jabba the Hut, either he hasn’t got a space vehicle of his own or he’s just too goddamned heavy to get off Tatooine, because he’s always having that rascal Han Solo do his interstellar smuggling for him. Winner? Nobody.
Hangs out with a more assorted gaggle of scum and other villains? Both these gentlemen (creatures?) spend their days with a gaggle of varying degrees of scum, from cops on the take to interstellar bounty hunters to whatever the hell that crazy band in Return of the Jedi was.
However, only one of these guys has a right-hand man who’s got tentacles instead of hair. Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
Was betrayed by a close compatriot? If you count being infiltrated by the Rebels and having your right-hand man getting his brains all Jedi’d, then, yes, Jabba the Hutt was betrayed by a close compatriot. However, if you count that, you’re wrong, because that doesn’t match up with the definition of “close compatriot” at all. Tony Soprano, on the other hand, had all sorts of close buddies go running to the Feds, including the hilariously named “Big Pussy,” a moniker that would get you all sorts of bullied if people didn’t know who your friends were. Winner? Tony Soprano.
Got to hang out with Leia Organa in a slave outfit? Jabba the Hutt has quite the eclectic taste in ladies. Winner? Jabba.
Is more evil? Now this one’s a toughie. Jabba the Hutt is pretty evil, what with the feeding everybody to the Rancor and Sarlacc. But he never straight-up murders his troubled, drug-addicted nephew (as far as I know. Don’t get all expanded universe-y on me, here). Winner? Tony Soprano.
Faces cooler foes? Tony Soprano only ever has to worry about the Feds, other Mob members and his wife. Jabba the Hutt gets his ass handed to him by everyone’s favorite heroes: Han, Lando and Whatsisname.
Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
Sees a psychiatrist? Or maybe it’s a psychologist, I don’t know. I already told you, I’ve never seen the show. (Stop recommending it. I’ll get around to it someday.) Winner? Tony “Panic Attack” Soprano.
Dies an ignoble death? If dying an ignoble death can truly be considered a “win,” then Jabba the Hutt, strangled to death by the very chain with which he tethered the Rebel princess Leia Organa to his throne, indeed wins. Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe doesn’t die? Actually, maybe I won’t get around to watching The Sopranos, if the ending is as irritating as I’ve been led to believe. Did Tony get to enjoy his meal with his family? Or was he shot dead in his, you know, prime or whatever? No one will ever know! Winner? Tony Soprano.
Is unaffected by Jedi mind powers? Hey, you know who’s unaffected by Jedi mind powers? Jabba the Hutt is unaffected by Jedi mind powers! Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
The tie-breaking question, because I’m running out of things I know about Tony Soprano: Has a better wardrobe? Tony Soprano’s wardrobe runs the gamut of stereotypical Mafioso style, from velour track suits to Hawaiian shirts to fancy silk suits. Jabba the Hutt sits around naked all the day long. Begging the question: Where the hell are his genitals? Winner? Tony Soprano.
Overall winner? In a shocking turn of events, Anthony “Tony” Soprano takes this one.
So I’m having to drive the van for work, which only gets your basic radio stations (which is annoying enough, if you ask me), and the classic rock station starts playing Green Day?
Like, since when is Green Day classic rock?
The other day, for some inexplicable reason, I began thinking about the Bundy family and how successful they are today. Al’s got Modern Family. Kelly’s got Up All Night. Peg’s got Sons of Anarchy and Futurama, making her the awesomest person evah, and Buck (or was that Bud?)’s got ….
Wait, what the hell does he got?
(Also, what the hell is that actor’s name?)
So I decided to apply a little Google-fu to the situation and get to the bottom of the mystery. Or whatever.
First off: Yes, Buck was the dog. The son was “Bud,” so you see how I might be confused. Secondly, the actor’s name is David Faustino and he is really only 5’3″. Actually, I suspect he might be smaller than that, because who doesn’t lie on IMDb? (Although I suppose he could be taller, and just wants to come across as nonthreatening?)
Anyway, David Faustino’s career began at the ripe old age of 3 months old, when he appeared on the Lily Tomlin Special. He decided to shelve his acting career until he reached 5 or 6, when he played Joey in the TV movie Act of Love. That title couldn’t begin to make me care less. He followed that up with a role as Josh on Little House on the Prairie, and then decided to switch things up a little bit by playing Bobby Hofstedter (a boy with a last name!) on And They All Lived Happily Ever After, another TV movie.
Anyway, blah blah blah, a bunch more guest shots throughout the ’80s (including spots on Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Highway to Heaven, two shows which totally represent the ’80s to me) until finally, he landed the role of Bud Bundy on Married with Children. A thing I didn’t know was that he also tried to be a rap star and that it was parodied on Married with Children, because the only thing I really remember about that show is that Al always put his hand down his pants when he sat on the couch. That and Peg’s bouffant.
So, anyway, while Married with Children ran for 11 seasons (from 1987 to 1997), Faustino supplemented his income with guest roles on various other TV shows (often as Bud Bundy, oddly enough) and a voice role on Adventures of the Gummi Bears!
He also appeared on CBS Schoolbreak Special, which is exactly as after-school specially as it sounds. Exactly as. He made two separate appearances on the show, once in 1986 and again in 1992, when you’d've thunk he’d have better things to do with his time, but maybe they had some dirt on him or something? I mean, who knows what the 12-year-old Faustino was getting up to in ’86, you know?
After Married with Children went to that great big television in the sky, Faustino moved on to a career in the movies. And by “a career,” I mean he had a role in something called Lovers and Liars, in which the main female character is named Caitland, because why not spell it that way? Always resilient, he went on to play “Cornfed” in 12 Bucks, a movie “starring” a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, unless you’re their mother or their agent.
Seeing that the big screen wasn’t all he was hoping for (or maybe he really did enjoy roles as someone named “Cornfed”?), Faustino returned to guest spots on television, including roles on Unhappily Ever After and The New Addams Family, a thing that I didn’t know existed until now, and kind of wish I could continue on blissfully ignorant.
In 2000, Faustino had a voice role on Batman Beyond, which I only mention because I’ve heard it was a pretty good cartoon, and also he appeared on Nash Bridges, which I’ve heard of, but can’t remember why.
From 2000 to 2001, he played “Older Chance” and “Narrator” on Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI family, which I hope was about a family of spies like Spy Kids, but doesn’t seem very likely.
In 2001, he was in Killer Bud, which at first led me to believe it was the continued adventures of Bud Bundy, having become a homicidal maniac, but is actually a pot comedy. I’m sorry, I meant to put “comedy” in quotation marks, so you would know that it probably wasn’t actually funny at all.
A guest spot on the X-Files was the highlight of 2002, but it was one of the Mulder-less episodes, so nobody watched it probably. Notable roles in 2003 were a voice bit in the cartoon Static Shock. Actually, that’s it for 2003, so hopefully Faustino had a lot of hobbies to fall back on, or a house in need of renovation or something.
He’s actually been in a lot of stuff since 2003, but I don’t really care about any of it and I’m too lazy to mention them all by name, so here’s some quick samples: 2008′s Boston Strangler: The Untold Story (as Albert DeSalvo, the confessed strangler himself); in 2009, a TV series call Star-ving (for some reason); 2010′s Not Another B Movie, which seems like it came out longer ago than that, unless I’m confusing it with Scary Movie or something; and a voice role in Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated, another thing I didn’t know existed.
Most recently, he’s been on Clunkers, Working Class and has a voice role in The Legend of Korra, which I think is an Airbender spin-off, but please, feel free not to correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t care that much.
Additional things to know about Faustino is that he’s divorced, was arrested for misdemeanor possession of marijuana and also that he owns a night club in LA called Balistyx. Coincidentally enough, that’s the same name as his rap album, which makes me glad I’ve never heard it.
So there you go: David Faustino’s career in a nutshell. For those of you that skipped ahead, to reiterate, yes, Buck was the dog. David Faustino was Bud.
Q. What’s worse than a power failure?
A. A power failure at a funeral home.
So, I’m sure you’ve all been waiting and wondering: “When is Lokifire going to complain about the upcoming CBS series, Elementary, which takes Sherlock Holmes and puts him in modern times?”
Yes, I know, it sounds really familiar, doesn’t it?
Like, someone at CBS saw that the BBC’S Sherlock was big and successful and wonderful and thought, “Hey! I can ruin that!”
And, you know? I can’t fault them for that. I mean, Sherlock Holmes and Watson and all their acquaintances (I was going to say friends, but Holmes only has one friend and Watson … well … also seems to have only one friend) are trapped in public domain hell, so it’s not like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle can come back from the dead as some sort of malevolent zombie (is there any other kind?) and say: “Get your hands off my property! Also, braaaaains.”
So, anybody and everybody is free to do whatever they want with Sherlock Holmes. (See: Ritchie, Guy.) And if they want to set the action in the modern day, well, fine. It’s not like the BBC has a copyright on the present or anything.
And they’ve cast Sickboy as Sherlock Holmes! I totally forgot Sickboy existed after Trainspotting. (Coincidentally enough, my obsession with Irvine Welsh ended shortly thereafter as well. [I could only take so much Scottish dialect, people.]) Apparently, he was on Dexter or something, but I can’t bring myself to watch a show about a serial killer and his friends who swear a lot, so I didn’t know that. (And you don’t need to tell me how awesome and wonderful Dexter is, and how I would love it. People have told me already, and I believe them, but it’s just not for me. Thanks for the recommendation, though!) So, yeah, it’s nice that Sickboy is getting (more) work, even if I don’t really care that he is.
And what’s this? Watson’s a lady? How terribly clever, CBS. And modern! Because ladies can be sidekicks nowadays! Huzzah! Sadly, though, as awesome as Lucy Liu is (and she is awesome), you’ve just opened yourself up to a whole world of no gay couple jokes. People are just going to think they’re a regular couple, and that isn’t clever at all.
In fact, CBS, that sounds exactly like every other procedural drama you’ve got going on.
Which is why I hate you.
Because, yes, a brilliant detective solving crimes from week to week does sound like the perfect recipe for a procedural drama, and I’m sure it will be exactly that — a perfect procedural drama — which is why it’s going to suck. Because Holmes is much more than that.
He’s a damned icon. He’s the epitome of all detectives, anywhere, ever, and he deserves better than a weekly procedural on CBS.
Also, I just want you to know I’m not going to complain about the title, because, although Holmes never once did say “Elementary, my dear Watson,” in any Sherlock Holmes story, he did proclaim things were “elementary,” and besides, what else were they going to call it?