So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!
(But probably not!)
Let’s find out anyway:
1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden (yet attractive) actor?
Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.
2. Does he ever smile?
I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.
3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?
Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.
4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?
And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?
5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?
“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”
6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?
Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?
7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?
“I’m an actor,” he replied.
8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.
“What are you, a film critic?” he said.
9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”
“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.
10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”
You’re blackmailing someone, right?
So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.
So, the apprentice and I are talking about the upcoming bikini season, and I mentioned that I have a tankini for days when I look at my body and go “omigod, I’ve had a kid, I’m so saggy, yuck.”
“Oh, that won’t happen to me,” she says.
“You don’t know what your body will do when you’re pregnant,” I say.
“No, I won’t get saggy skin.”
“You don’t know that, though.”
“Well, my mom has a bunch of kids and she doesn’t have any stretch marks or anything.”
“Well, yes, but wasn’t your mother much younger than you when she had her kids?”
“Yeah, but I lotion my skin every day.”
“That’s nice, but still, if you lose, like, 60 pounds in two months, you’ll still have saggy skin.”
“I lost 30 pounds in a month.”
“I don’t believe you, and also, was 25 pounds of that in one hellish stretch of childbirth?” (Note: portions of this sentence, up to, and including, all of it, may have been spoken only in my mind.)
“Well, good luck,” is what I actually said.
So, one of my coworkers says to me on Friday: “Are you going to see Men in Black 3?”
“No,” I replied.
“Why not?” she asked, for some reason.
“Because I already saw the first one?”
Salesclerk: Hi! Can I help you find anything?
Me: Yes, I’m looking for long-sleeved cardigans.
Salesclerk: (Proudly leads me over to a rack.) Here you go! (Holds out a cardigan, which is very definitely short-sleeved.)
Me: No, I’m sorry. I need a long-sleeved cardigan.
Salesclerk: (Even more proudly undoes the button on the sleeve and lengthens it.) It’s a three-quarter sleeve!
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, I must be pronouncing long-sleeved wrong.
So, ever since the Writer’s Strike ended, there’s been an American Gladiators-shaped hole in my life.
I mean, everybody was complaining about the Writer’s Strike. “Oh, boo hoo hoo,” they said. “Whatever will happen to our favorite scripted dramas?” they said. “But they’re bringing back American Gladiators!” I said. “So what?” they said. “American Gladiators!” I reiterated, because that was answer enough.
I loved American Gladiators, what with all the ridiculous challenges and the costumes and the superhero-esque names and the way my favorite living pro wrestler was a host!
And then: it was gone.
Sure, I managed to get along, but I always felt like something was missing.
(No, Mom, I’m pretty sure it’s not a husband.)
And then: American Ninja Warrior.
My parents saw commercials for it. “You like those,” they said to me.
“Meh,” I said. “Seeing the word ‘American’ before ‘Ninja’ leads me to believe they’ll screw it up somehow.”
Not to mention, after I saw a commercial for American Ninja Warrior, I was all like: “Where’s the warriors? Where’s the ninjary? This is just an obstacle course.“
But, barring anything better to do (hey, I’d already done the yard work, made dinner and baked some truffles. Would do you expect me to do, write a Pulitzer-prize winning novel or something?), I sat down to watch it.
And I fell. Hard.
First off, it’s an obstacle course, sure, but it’s an obstacle course for Parkour experts (“What is Parkour?” said my mom. “It’s like being Spiderman, except without the superpowers,” I told her), all of whom had to submit videos of themselves Parkouring along all awesome-like to be considered for the competition. (As a matter of fact, there was one video of a volunteer firefighter jumping over stuff while wearing a suit that leads me to believe he’d be perfect for the new screenplay I’m writing about a guy who wears a suit and jumps over stuff.) (Oh, and a thing that does annoy me about the show is that it’s really set up for guys, even though they allow women competitors. There was this one awesome lady whose audition video showed her balancing on her elbow and doing, like, midair calisthenics, and she didn’t even clear the second obstacle because of her wee little womanly arms, like it’s a requirement you have to be at least six feet tall to play this game.)
PLUS! Plus so hard, you guys! It had! Evan! “The Rocket!” Dollard!, winner of American Gladiators!
And these guys were trying so hard to defeat this crazy obstacle course and it was all like triumph of the spirit and Go America! and whoooooo!
So I guess what I’m saying is thank God for summer television programming. Thank God for American Ninja Warrior.
So I work at a funeral home, right?
And we do cremations there, right?
And we get some mail today that says, and I quote (hence the quote marks, which will follow shortly): “This summer will be hot. Make sure business is too! Renew your advertisement today to light a fire under your customers.“
Apparently, Battleship, one of the top three boringest board games ever, gets translated into film as “Giant aliens attack us with things that are like spinning metal wheels of death, which if probably a heavy metal band name already, and the plucky Navy or Coast Guard or whatever has to fight back.
“Also, Liam Neeson is in it because he owes somebody some serious money or has contracted some sort of horrible brain disease that makes it impossible for him to tell if a role is shite or not.
“Also, don’t forget that Hasbro brought you Transformers!
“Which this movie isn’t exactly like, but close enough, right?
“I mean, there’s no transforming robots, but there’s aliens!
“Also, the alien ships look like they might transform probably.
“Oh, yeah? Well just wait and see what we do with the rights to Monopoly!”
Yes, that’s basically the headline of the article, but, yes, the hilarity basically writes itself.
I want a boomwhacker.
It’s no boomstick, but it’ll do.
So, I didn’t actually go see The Avengers last weekend. (I know. It was just me, your little brother Timmy [who was grounded anyway] and the crazy cat lady from down the street.) But I figured they deserve to be honored for soundly trouncing box office records for an opening weekend, and so I am honoring them, as such, by having them face off against another team that starts with an “A.” That team is … the A-Team.
(Yes, I know you can read and, thus, knew that from the post title, but I put a lot of thought into this intro, so please be patient.)
Speaking of intros, the Avengers are self-explanatory, because you all went to see their movie last weekend (unless you didn’t, in which case, hi, Crazy Cat Lady!), but for those of who who a) don’t remember the ’80s; b) didn’t exist in the ’80s; c) I hate you, get off my lawn, the A-Team (which was also a [less successful] movie recently) was a team comprised of Hannibal, Mr. T and some other guys, who went around helping people on the sly after being accused of a crime they didn’t commit. (In the ’80s, people were always getting accused of crimes they didn’t commit. It was a whole thing.)
On to the battle!
Physicality. The Avengers are comprised of Iron Man, The (Incredible) Hulk, Thor, Captain America and that chick in a leather suit. Oh, and I guess Hawkeye, the one I forgot about because they didn’t make a movie about him first and also, who remembers the guy without superpowers?
Anyway, they’re all very attractive people, because nobody makes a summer blockbuster about average-looking people. That would be crazy. The A-Team, as previously mentioned, features Mr. T (not the character’s name, but does anybody remember the character’s name?), Murdock (who’s kind of goofy-looking), a white fox named Hannibal Smith and a guy so ’80s-style hot his nickname was “Face.” Winners? I can’t help but notice The Avengers are all very whitebread, which I guess I should expect for a team made up of Norse gods and American Nazi-fighting supermen, so I feel like I should give this win to the A-Team for being more ethnically diverse, at least, but then I look at Chris Evans and I go “guhhhhhhhhh” because have you seen that man? So, to reiterate: Winners? The Avengers.
Has superpowers? The A-Team doesn’t have superpowers, unless you count the power to make things and people explode without actually getting killed good and dead or even hurt very badly. (God bless the ’80s and its magnificent explosions.) The Avengers does have superpowers, except for Hawkeye, who just has good aim; Black Widow, who only needs to look good in leather; and Tony Stark, who has a super-powered suit. Still, they do have Thor, who is a Marvel-ized version of a Norse god; The (Incredible) Hulk, who has the superpower of being a hideous monster; and Captain America, who has the superpower of getting injected with some sort of serum that gives you … eh … superpowers. That’s more than the A-Team has, superpowerwise, for sure. Winners? The Avengers.
To be fair here, has Mr. T? I pity the team that doesn’t get to hang with Mr. T. Winners? The A-Team.
To be even more fair, managed to avoid the fate of having to deal with an “actress”? The A-Team was supposed to feature Tia Carrere as a member of the team in later seasons, but she was under contract to some soap opera or another, so they dodged that bullet. The Avengers have Scarlet Johansson on their team, who portrays a Russian about as convincingly as I do. Winners? The A-Team.
Fights a more evil foe? To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure who The Avengers are supposed to be fighting. Aliens? Loki? Nazis? I do know that the A-Team was on the run from the American military (for that crime they didn’t commit, remember), and that a lot of people think the military is evil. Not me, though. I’m patriotic all the way. I’m even waving a tiny American flag right now. God Bless the USA!
Winners? Eh, the Avengers?
Has a scarier boss? The Avengers’ boss is Nick Fury, a man who’s so scary his last name is Fury and they could only cast Samuel L. Jackson, legally, to play him. He’s just that scary. The A-Team is usually bossed around by Hannibal, but sometimes they work under a mean old general. Unfortunately for them in this here category, that mean old general was not played by Samuel L. Jackson. Probably because he was, like, 12 or something. Winners? The Avengers.
Met Boy George? Shut up, you kids, and enjoy this link to Karma Chameleon. At any rate, The Avengers did not meet Boy George, unless he has a cameo in the movie that no one mentioned. The A-Team did. Also, they got to meet Hulk Hogan. Winners? The A-Team.
Met Stan Lee? It’s a Marvel movie, of course they did. Winners? The Avengers.
Would be awesome as a team of little people? Actually, The Avengers would be pretty awesome as a team of little people, as would every team, except possibly basketball teams, I suppose. However, only the A-Team has photographic evidence of exactly how awesome they would be as a team of little people. Winners? The A-Team. Also, the Internet.
Overall winners? Yes, despite me choosing the A-Team precisely so I had an excuse to re-use that awesome photo, they are no match for the awesome might of The Avengers. I mean, those guys beat Harry Potter and stuff! Winners? The Avengers.