So I totally didn’t realize that this was that weekend in summer when Hollywood just makes like a crazed monkey and throws shit at the wall to see what sticks.
But it is that weekend! So good news! In addition to Magic Mike and People Like Us, there are several more movies opening this weekend, and I swear to God, they all look just awful.
Here they are, in list form:
1. The Amazing Spider-Man
Because, apparently, watching the Sam Raimi flick just isn’t enough to get the bad taste of the musical out of the public’s mouths anymore.
Because Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane wants you to know he’s not a one-trick pony.
He’s a two-trick pony.
3. Madea’s Witness Protection.
Because Hollywood hates us all and Tyler Perry hates us all even more than that.
I saw a TV spot for People Like Us, and I was like, oh look, Channing Tatum’s in two movies this weekend, and then I thought, But Channing Tatum looks kind of funny, and then I realized it was New Captain Kirk, and anyway, he’s searching for his long-lost sister, which sounds really exciting to someone, I’m sure, and there’s Olivia Wilde in the trailer, trying to convey basic human emotions like surprise, going all, “OK, surprise, that’s the one where I have to open my eyes really wide and kind of gasp and then cover my mouth, right?”, because I swear she’s an alien or maybe some kind of robot, and that sort of thing is just really hard for her, and then Michelle Pfeiffer is in it too, and I’d be all happy that at least she’s getting work, but it’s for stuff like this, you know, and then the voiceover guy tells me it’s the most moving movie of the season or something, and I’m all like, “shut up, I hate you, this movie makes me want to write giant run-on sentences about how lame it’s all going to be,” and then I do.
Q. So, Magic Mike is a movie about male strippers, apparently.
A. I think it’s nice that they’re letting Channing Tatum’s chest carry a movie.
So a thing that surprises me right now is Maroon 5′s inexplicable rise out of obscurity.
Oh, I blame the reality TVs for this. Everything was right in the world before the reality TVs. Maroon 5 had that annoying song in the 90s or something, a bunch of people liked it for some reason and then everyone forgot about them. As it should be. Until the reality TVs, which for some reason decided the guy from Maroon 5 was a famous person or something and now everybody’s heard of them again and they have a song that gets played everywhere, all the time.
Moves Like Jagger.
Moves Like Jagger!
You kids today! Do you kids today even know what a Jagger is?
Anyway, this development makes me very sad.
Everybody loves a mad scientist. And lucky you! You just so happen to be dating one! … You think.
Let’s just make sure, shall we?
1. Oh, your boyfriend is mad, all right. Very mad indeed. But it turns out that instead of science, his obsession is millinery.
Interesting story! The famous courtesan Kitty Fisher was a milliner before she became a courtesan. Later, she died of lead poisoning due to the ingredients in the popular face makeup of the time.
(Shut up! Learning things is fun!)
2. Your boyfriend is mad, and also a scientist. Also, he has a pet monster.
And sometimes, people call the monster by your boyfriend’s name.
3. OK, your boyfriend is a scientist, AND he’s mad, and he’s also really, really old.
And from the future!
4. Madness is a trait of your boyfriend’s, and maybe he’s a scientist, but probably not. Also, his name is Max.
And he’s Mel Gibson before he went mad.
5. So let’s say your boyfriend is a genius scientist who happens to be mad. Should you feel badly about two-timing him with his evil self?
6.Your boyfriend’s mad, a scientist, and Edison hates him soooo much.
He’s probably just jealous that they’ll get David Bowie to portray him in the movies.
7. For your birthday, he got you a puppy.
And its DNA had been spliced with a human’s, and it’s miserable, and you’re miserable, and you all live miserably together on an island.
8. He travels to other universes!
And has a pet cow.
9. He might be mad, he’s definitely a warrior, and he battles evil.
And hangs out with Warwick Davis.
(It’s a Willow reference. Get it?)
10. He travels through time in elegant fashion, and has awesome (?) hair.
Some folks might say you could do better than dating Doc Brown, but some folks are crazy.
There you go. Unless you’re dating the Mad Hatter, Mad Max or Madmartigan, then you’re definitely dating a mad scientist. I hope this helped you. I know it helped me.
Good news, my violent friends. It turns out that you can use the violent offender registry as a form of identification on a cemetery deed.
Also, you can stand right behind me trying to direct me to the web page, gleefully proclaiming your status as a violent offender.
So, now, instead of saying “I’m going to slap you like a $10 hooker” or “I’m going to beat you like a redheaded stepchild,” I can say: “I’m going to punch you like a 4-lb. poodle.”
Someone really needs to take Adam Sandler aside and quietly whisper to him: “Look, Adam, this whole man-child thing? It’s wearing a bit thin. We still think you’re a great guy, Adam, or at least some of us do, but if you keep this up, even small children will be shooting you in the kneecaps when they pass you on the street.”
And of course, if that person could invent a time machine and go back to the past and quietly whisper that thing to Adam Sandler, or, hell, just kneecap him then, maybe we wouldn’t have That’s My Boy, starring Adam Sandler and that guy who quit Saturday Night Live, but hopefully not before he got another job, because no one will hire him after seeing this movie, that’s for sure.
The basic plot synopsis of That’s My Boy is that Sandler got his math teacher pregnant at 13 and then promptly disappeared from the boy’s life. Hopefully, the child was raised by his grandparents or some other adoptive family, otherwise he was left in the care of a child predator. Anyway, Sandler reappears in his son’s life, hijinks, everyone learns a meaningful life lesson, jokes about sex with old ladies, someone fails to kneecap Sandler.
In conclusion, every Adam Sandler movie ever.
Because do I really have to explain?
On to the battle!
(Seriously, I don’t think I really have to explain.)
Physicality. If you put Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg in a room together and told me I could only have one of them, I would curl up on the floor in the fetal position and weep, unable to choose. In the end, though, I’d remember how much I love really tall men, and take the modern-day Sherlock home with me. (I’d put him on my collectibles shelf, of course.) Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch, by virtue of being taller than Simon Pegg. Er, I mean, Sherlock Holmes.
Loves his work more than anything else, except for one special person? Sherlock Holmes lives for the thrill of solving crimes, the more interesting the better. He doesn’t much care for the human race (like, who does, right, bunch of 50 Shades of Grey-loving bastards that they are anyway), except for his bestest buddy of all: Dr. John “Hobbit” Watson. Sgt. Nicholas Angel doesn’t exactly live for the thrill of solving crime, but he sure enjoys everything being all neat and orderly and, you know, solved. He got dumped by his fiancee because he loved his job more than her, and was destined to a life of lonely police work until he met that one special person, Danny Butterman. Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more badass? Until Sherlock Holmes bends a fire poker with his bare hands on Sherlock, I wait with bated breath for an action sequence better than the ones in the second episode of Season 1. On the other hand, Sgt. Nicholas Angel can do flips over fences and all sorts of wonderful stuff and I love him soooooo much! Winner? It’s a tie
Now please enjoy one of my favorite movie scenes ever:
Knows how to drive? I have seen no evidence that Sherlock Holmes knows how to drive, what with most incarnations of him living before there were such things as “cars,” and his most current incarnation taking cabs everywhere (I mean, if they even call them cabs in London, right? Ha, ha, ha, those funny Brits). Sgt. Nicholas Angel, though, can drive, and often does so. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Flips his coat lapel up frequently? You know who does such a thing frequently? Sherlock Holmes frequently does such a thing. I’m not sure Sgt. Nicholas Angel’s coat even has lapels. This doesn’t seem fair at all. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Defeats an evil cabal of town elders? Unfortunately for Sherlock Holmes, London is much too large to be under the control of an evil cabal of town leaders, which is a shame, because I think he’d have fun with that. Sgt. Nicholas Angel, however, SPOILER ALERT I guess, totally does defeat an evil cabal of town elders. And then the jail explodes. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Is a bit, shall we say, nit-picky? Sherlock Holmes once traveled all the way to, I don’t know, Belarus or someplace, to correct a criminal on the proper tense of death by hanging. However, Sgt. Nicholas Angel carries two pens with him at all times, God I love him, and insists on calling cops police officers and does all sorts of stuff by the book, because he is the best and I love him. Winner? It’s a tie.
Faked his own death? Sherlock Holmes faked the hell out of his own death, what with pretending he’d died in a plummet from Reichenbach Falls and all, fooling the world, his own best friend, and all of Arthur Conan Doyle’s readers. Mostly this is because Sir Doyle really did kill off Holmes, and retconned him back into existence, but faked his own death it is! Sgt. Nicholas Angel didn’t actually fake his own death, but he pretended to be dead when Danny stabbed him, so that kind of counts, right? Winner? It’s a tie!
The ultimate, tie-breaking question: Who has a cuter sidekick/BFF? Awww, jeez, this is rough. I mean, Dr. John Watson is so Martin Freeman-y, what with the cute blonde hair and that face — but Danny Butterman is the adorable Nick Frost, who is just so cute and I love him and I can’t decide!!! Winner? It’s a tie-ish?
Um, overall winner? Hah, I’m just kidding. The winner is Sherlock Holmes, because he always wins these things.