Clark Kent’s best pickup line
“You know, without my glasses on, I’ve been told I look an awful lot like Superman.”
“Ahhhh, but seriously, everyone I know is idiots.”
I’ve always liked Michael Phelps
There’s just something about a shy, awkward guy with kind of big ears who is just a swimming machine that makes me all squishy inside. (Or, you know, more squishy.) And so I’ve always rooted for Michael Phelps at the Olympics, because he is the best swimmer evah and I love him GO AMERICA!
I’m waving an American flag in my heart, Michael.
And so, since the start of the Olympics buzz, I’ve been looking for a reason to dislike Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps’ main competition, who seems like a nice, attractive guy who happens to be in awesome shape and just wants to win some gold himself. I mean he’s so hard to hate!
But now, I finally have a reason.
He wears a diamond grill when he’s getting his Olympic medals.
Yup. That’ll do it. Officially filled with dislike now.
The Watch is about aliens?
So, I saw the TV spot for The Watch, starring three guys who annoy me and one guy I’ve never heard of before, and I had no idea there was supposed to be evil aliens killing people in it. (Or hungry aliens, I suppose.)
Look, people, we need a more obvious cue, like you naming your movie “Alien” or something.
It just looked like your standard Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before fare, with a bunch of lazy jokes that are supposed to be carried by the “charm” of the leads. (Maybe they’re counting on Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before to be charming?)
Good luck to you, comedic actor with way too many vowels in your last name!
And, since it’s a movie starring Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before, I kind of suspect we’re not in for a The Thing revival here. Especially since the The Thing prequel couldn’t even manage it. (The lesson is don’t mess with classic ’80s films, Total Recall.) Using my awesome powers of deduction –
Gratuitous image of Sherlock Holmes alert!
– I suspect we’re in for … well … your standard Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before fare.
Is that glowing thing maybe an alien?
Whee.
The Olympics are coming!
So lately I’ve had a raging attack of the not-funnies with a side helping of “nothing to write about,” so I apologize for that. But the Olympics are almost here, so I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with things like how Michael Phelps’ co-Olympians have got some drama queens in the mix, like “Boo-hoo, he won’t hang out with me and NBA players will,” like maybe the NBA players only did it because they didn’t know you were such a jerk, really, jeez.
So I hope everybody has got tons of tiny little flags to wave at their televisions, because go (insert your country here)! Whooo! Olympics!
Errr, I call a re-do on the mascots, though.
My shameful confession
Ahem!
(small voice)
I don’t wanna see Dark Knight Rises.
Also, is Dark Knight Rises some kind of pun that I just don’t quite get?
Not this weekend. Not ever. You see, I already saw the first two Christopher Nolan-helmed Batman movies, and I thought they were (small, wee, tiny little voice) boring.
So, yes, I’m a traitor to my geek-ish origins. Hell, I’m even un-American. I know it, you know it, we all know it. But if you sit back and admit it to yourself: Both Batman begins and The Dark Knight go on about 27 minutes too long, well past where you thought the movie should end, would end and rightfully was supposed to end, and you sat there and took it because Batman!
(Also, I hated that they wasted Two-Face, my favorite Batman villain. Gah! Such a terrible origin! Such a boring story arc!)
Not the actor we wanted, but the actor we deserved?
(Is that joke overplayed?)
Feel free to leave your hate in the comments section. I know I deserve it.
I’m just a little too heterosexual to be all excited about Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, I guess.
Poyo vs. The Killer Rabbit
What we have here are two of the deadliest livestock you’re liable to meet: Chew’s Poyo, the violentest rooster ever, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s adorable Killer Rabbit.
One is likely to impale you with its razor-sharp claws. The other: to rip your throat out with its horrible teeth.
But which of these terrible monsters is the best?
On to the battle!
“Wear an apron so you don’t get blood spatter all over your clothes!” – Your Mom
Physicality. One of our competitors is a rooster. Roosters are OK looking, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing, which, ewwwww. But the other is an adorable killer bunny. An adorable killer bunny! AN ADORABLE KILLER BUNNY! Winner? The adorable killer bunny.
Awwwww! Look at the bones!
More likely to kill you stone dead? The killer rabbit from The Holy Grail seems to only attack those foolish enough to venture into its territory. Poyo the rooster, however, not only has the ability of flight, but some crazy bastard has made him into a cyborg chicken that can hit Mach 5. (And, yes, take your evil-doing head clean off your shoulders).
Just like that.
It’s a close one, but Poyo could be anywhere. Even right behind you. Right now! Gaahhhh! Winner? Poyo.
There he is! Why aren’t you fleeing????
Killed more knights/comedic actors? Boy, you know who sure killed a lot of knights/comedic actors? That killer bunny from The Holy Grail. Sure did. Yup. Winner? The killer rabbit.
Speaking of fleeing, run away! Run away!
Works for the USDA? In the world of Chew, the USDA is a much more badass organization than I suspect it is in our world. As such, this badass organization needs the baddest-ass of the badass secret agents on its payroll. That particular badass is Poyo. (I don’t know what they pay him. Corn?) Winner? Poyo.
Fought Satan and won? While his physical body was languishing in a coma, Poyo’s evil rooster soul was busy fighting the hordes of demons in hell and defeating them. I don’t know about the killer bunny, but probably not. Winner? Poyo.
Can only be defeated by a weapon delivered from God? Specifically, by the Holy Hand Grenade? Winner? The killer rabbit.
Man, that is one holy hand grenade, for sure.
Brought back from the dead stronger, like a $6 Million Man, only in fowl form? By golly, I think this oddly specific category goes to Poyo!
We can make him better. Smarter. Stronger. However that goes, whatever.
Overall winner? Poyo! The best chicken ever, except for Fluffietta, the pet chicken I had when I was a kid, and whom my cousins ate that winter.
Never forget.
No, seriously, I hate that the coconut crab exists
Really, doesn’t it look just SO MUCH like a facehugger?
Like I needed another reason to hate the ocean.
The Invisible Man’s best pickup line
“Hey, baby, if you don’t want to be seen with me, you don’t have to be!”
“It’s because I’m INVISIBLE! Ha, ha! Call me!”
Everybody who didn’t watch Fringe before now will be the saddest ever
…Because the fifth and final season looks SO AWESOME OH MY GOD FIGHTING EVIL INVADERS FROM THE FUTURE SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Now that I can breathe again, seriously, buy all the DVDs and watch them so you will be caught up because IT LOOKS SO AWESOME YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS IT SQUEEEEEEEE A SECOND TIME.
Here’s a trailer.
Watch. Watch, watch, watch!
(Because, if you don’t, you will be the saddest ever. For realsie.)
The obvious solution is usually the right solution
My mom: For some reason, my cell phone ring changed a few months ago.
Me: That’s odd. Did you accidentally change it or something?
My mom: No, I didn’t change anything.
Me: Huh. I wonder why that happened, then.
My mom: Incidentally, your father’s cell phone ring also changed around that time.
“What do you mean if we actually used our cell phones once in a while we would have realized they were switched months ago?”
