“You know, without my glasses on, I’ve been told I look an awful lot like Superman.”
There’s just something about a shy, awkward guy with kind of big ears who is just a swimming machine that makes me all squishy inside. (Or, you know, more squishy.) And so I’ve always rooted for Michael Phelps at the Olympics, because he is the best swimmer evah and I love him GO AMERICA!
And so, since the start of the Olympics buzz, I’ve been looking for a reason to dislike Ryan Lochte, Michael Phelps’ main competition, who seems like a nice, attractive guy who happens to be in awesome shape and just wants to win some gold himself. I mean he’s so hard to hate!
But now, I finally have a reason.
So, I saw the TV spot for The Watch, starring three guys who annoy me and one guy I’ve never heard of before, and I had no idea there was supposed to be evil aliens killing people in it. (Or hungry aliens, I suppose.)
It just looked like your standard Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before fare, with a bunch of lazy jokes that are supposed to be carried by the “charm” of the leads. (Maybe they’re counting on Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before to be charming?)
And, since it’s a movie starring Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before, I kind of suspect we’re not in for a The Thing revival here. Especially since the The Thing prequel couldn’t even manage it. (The lesson is don’t mess with classic ’80s films, Total Recall.) Using my awesome powers of deduction –
– I suspect we’re in for … well … your standard Ben Stiller/Vince Vaughn/Jonah Hill/Some Guy I’ve Never Heard Of Before fare.
So lately I’ve had a raging attack of the not-funnies with a side helping of “nothing to write about,” so I apologize for that. But the Olympics are almost here, so I’m sure I’ll be able to come up with things like how Michael Phelps’ co-Olympians have got some drama queens in the mix, like “Boo-hoo, he won’t hang out with me and NBA players will,” like maybe the NBA players only did it because they didn’t know you were such a jerk, really, jeez.
So I hope everybody has got tons of tiny little flags to wave at their televisions, because go (insert your country here)! Whooo! Olympics!
I don’t wanna see Dark Knight Rises.
Not this weekend. Not ever. You see, I already saw the first two Christopher Nolan-helmed Batman movies, and I thought they were (small, wee, tiny little voice) boring.
So, yes, I’m a traitor to my geek-ish origins. Hell, I’m even un-American. I know it, you know it, we all know it. But if you sit back and admit it to yourself: Both Batman begins and The Dark Knight go on about 27 minutes too long, well past where you thought the movie should end, would end and rightfully was supposed to end, and you sat there and took it because Batman!
(Also, I hated that they wasted Two-Face, my favorite Batman villain. Gah! Such a terrible origin! Such a boring story arc!)
Feel free to leave your hate in the comments section. I know I deserve it.
What we have here are two of the deadliest livestock you’re liable to meet: Chew’s Poyo, the violentest rooster ever, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s adorable Killer Rabbit.
One is likely to impale you with its razor-sharp claws. The other: to rip your throat out with its horrible teeth.
But which of these terrible monsters is the best?
On to the battle!
Physicality. One of our competitors is a rooster. Roosters are OK looking, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing, which, ewwwww. But the other is an adorable killer bunny. An adorable killer bunny! AN ADORABLE KILLER BUNNY! Winner? The adorable killer bunny.
More likely to kill you stone dead? The killer rabbit from The Holy Grail seems to only attack those foolish enough to venture into its territory. Poyo the rooster, however, not only has the ability of flight, but some crazy bastard has made him into a cyborg chicken that can hit Mach 5. (And, yes, take your evil-doing head clean off your shoulders).
It’s a close one, but Poyo could be anywhere. Even right behind you. Right now! Gaahhhh! Winner? Poyo.
Killed more knights/comedic actors? Boy, you know who sure killed a lot of knights/comedic actors? That killer bunny from The Holy Grail. Sure did. Yup. Winner? The killer rabbit.
Works for the USDA? In the world of Chew, the USDA is a much more badass organization than I suspect it is in our world. As such, this badass organization needs the baddest-ass of the badass secret agents on its payroll. That particular badass is Poyo. (I don’t know what they pay him. Corn?) Winner? Poyo.
Fought Satan and won? While his physical body was languishing in a coma, Poyo’s evil rooster soul was busy fighting the hordes of demons in hell and defeating them. I don’t know about the killer bunny, but probably not. Winner? Poyo.
Can only be defeated by a weapon delivered from God? Specifically, by the Holy Hand Grenade? Winner? The killer rabbit.
Brought back from the dead stronger, like a $6 Million Man, only in fowl form? By golly, I think this oddly specific category goes to Poyo!
Overall winner? Poyo! The best chicken ever, except for Fluffietta, the pet chicken I had when I was a kid, and whom my cousins ate that winter.
Really, doesn’t it look just SO MUCH like a facehugger?
“Hey, baby, if you don’t want to be seen with me, you don’t have to be!”
…Because the fifth and final season looks SO AWESOME OH MY GOD FIGHTING EVIL INVADERS FROM THE FUTURE SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Now that I can breathe again, seriously, buy all the DVDs and watch them so you will be caught up because IT LOOKS SO AWESOME YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS IT SQUEEEEEEEE A SECOND TIME.
Here’s a trailer.
Watch. Watch, watch, watch!
(Because, if you don’t, you will be the saddest ever. For realsie.)
My mom: For some reason, my cell phone ring changed a few months ago.
Me: That’s odd. Did you accidentally change it or something?
My mom: No, I didn’t change anything.
Me: Huh. I wonder why that happened, then.
My mom: Incidentally, your father’s cell phone ring also changed around that time.