Lawless sounds like it could almost be good, perhaps
So, Lawless is a movie that’s happening, apparently.
Despite all evidence to the contrary, it’s supposedly not a boring period-piece romance.
And from what I gather, it’s about prohibition and bootlegging and what-have-you, and Guy Pearce plays this ultra-evil character and doesn’t have a ridiculous amount of makeup on, so that sounds promising.
Whoooo! Cheekbones!
Shia LaBeouf!
Shia LaBeouf!
… And so he said to the director, “So, what’s my motivation?”
And the director sighed deeply and was all like, “I don’t know. Can you do, ummmm … constipated?”
And Shia LaBeouf nodded grimly. “Yes,” he said. “Yes, I can.”
Pennywise vs. Ronald McDonald
Gaaaaaah!
Clowns!
Physicality. So we’ve got two clowns. One is Pennywise the Clown, the astral projection or something of some ancient evil spawned from the twisted mind of Stephen King. In the television miniseries, he was played by Tim Curry.
Who is scary enough without the makeup and the monster lizard hands.
The other is Ronald McDonald, who will outlive us all.
Outlive us all.
Outlive us all.
Etc.They both look like clowns. Winner? They both look like clowns.
Wants you to eat a delicious hamburger? Pennywise wants you to die. Die horribly, screaming in pain, terror and possibly a bit of embarrassment over having wet your pants so hard. He does not want you to eat a delicious hamburger. On the other hand, Ronald McDonald is the spokesman for McDonald’s, of hamburger fame. Five Billion Served and all that. Then again, I said “delicious.” Winner? Nobody.
If it looks like a shoe leather, walks like a shoe leather and tastes like a shoe leather, it’s probably a shoe leather.
Has a better name? For a clown, Pennywise is a kind of ridiculous name. It’s probably supposed to harken back to that saying “penny wise, pound foolish,” which kind of sounds more like a diet plan than anything else. Also, it’s not particularly funny, like Fumagalli the Clown or Dimitri. Now that’s funny, right, folks? Ronald McDonald’s first name was chosen probably because it rhymes with McDonald, but at least he was better off than those kids whose parents give them the same last name as their first name, like James James or Henry McHenry. Winner? No one.
I was going to say “Is Fumagalli a clown or a man with a severe, untreated mental illness,” but question answered, I suppose.
Is less evil? Pennywise is an ancient evil, blah blah blah, mentioned it earlier. Ronald McDonald is the spokesman for McDonald’s. Winner? No one. They’re equally evil. Also, they’re clowns, so that makes them equally double evil.
Terrified generations of children? See above.
Terrified generations of adults? See above, wherein you are directed to see even more above.
Overall winner? Nobody, especially us, because we live in a world where such horror continues to exist.
Gahhh! So many clowns up in here!
On grave markers and fictional deaths
So, ever since I started working for a funeral home, I’ve found a thing that just drives me nuts is, when a fictional character dies, people go to visit their grave, like, days later,and there’s already a grave marker there.
“You want something like this? Sure, we’ll get that done instantaneously for you.”
And I’m all like: “Oh, psssh. Like, what, did the grave marker fairy put that there? I can’t suspend my disbelief for this! Those things take months to complete. We’ve got people who died years ago who still have the temporary markers on their graves! And don’t try to pretend like that’s a temporary marker! It’s clearly supposed to be carved.”
I go on to think: “And even if the marker was already there, like it was pre-purchased or something, it’s not like they’d be able to get the date of death in there that fast. Come on, people! Everybody knows this!”
And then I think: “Hmmm. Maybe it’s time to look for a new line of work.”
I’m still offering to be as cute as a bunny if someone’s willing to pay me to do it.
A (mostly) real conversation
Me: So, Mom, did you read the article about the Bigfoot hoax guy who got hit by a car?
My mom: Oh, yeah. Wasn’t that sad?
Me: You mean hilarious, right?
My mom: …
Me: … So maybe there’s something wrong with me?
The good news is that the REAL Bigfoot wasn’t harmed.
My hair’s fine like this!, or, Why I’m not seeing Hit and Run
I don’t wanna see Hit and Run.
Oh, God, this movie can’t possibly end without that gorgeous car being destroyed, can it?
It’s for a very stupid reason, one that is so stupid I’m almost embarrassed to admit it. But then I think, hey, if I cared about looking stupid, would I style my hair like this?
If Marilyn Monroe can do it, I would like very much to do it also.
Anyway, the stupid, illogical reason that I don’t wanna see Hit and Run is because I don’t think Guy From Parenthood is good enough for Veronica Mars.
Look at him! He’s wearing THIS HAT!
What makes this reasoning especially stupid and illogical is I don’t know anything about the actor himself. Not his name, not his personality, not what color his eyes are.
Speaking of eye color, here’s Benedict Cumberbatch and his gorgeous eyes, because I have an illness!
All I know about him is that in the brief previews I’ve seen for Parenthood, his character looks like a big, dumb wanker, and I don’t want that associating with Veronica Mars, the best fictional female detective ever! (Except for Miss Marple. Ooooh, new fictional character battle?)
Her hat is much better than whatsisname’s.
So I’m sure (OK, make that not quite sure, but possibly a bit positive) that Hit and Run is sheer comedy genius (I mean, jeez, that’s what the trailers are telling me!), but it doesn’t matter because Guy From Parenthood shouldn’t be dating Veronica Mars.
Veronica + Logan 4evah!
What? No, it’s cool, I can still ship them, years later. I have an illness.
A love letter to Milligan (a character in the books I’m reading to my daughter)
Dear Milligan (a character in The Mysterious Benedict Society, the books I’m currently reading to my daughter),
OK, the truth is I got them for myself, but then she got all jealous.
“Mom, are you reading kids’ books? Why are you reading kids’ books without me? Why are you ignoring me? Stop shutting the door in my face. Mom!”
I love you.
Sure, part of it is because everybody else is so damned wholesome and sweet, because you live in a children’s book, but the other part of it is because you are the Batman of said children’s books. Actually, that’s the biggest part of it, because who doesn’t love Batman?
There are many wonderful things about you, from the way you wear disguises while kicking ass to the way you sometimes don’t wear disguises while kicking ass. Also, you seem to be pretty good with kids, which is awesome, because did I mention I’m reading your books to my daughter right now? Also, I’m pretty immature, so there’s that, too.
Oh, and here you are now, looking like a bad drawing of a hobo.
Which is funny, because in my imagination, you look a bit more like this.
Now, I know you’re pretty busy what with going off on your secret spy missions and protecting the group of children under your care and kicking serious ass, but I hope you’d be able to make the time for a candlelit dinner. Or, if not that, maybe we could bomb a warehouse together? I mean an evil warehouse, of course, because lately I’ve been trying to use my powers for good. Or at least mediocrity.
OK, fine, I’m using my powers to cyber-stalk Benedict Cumberbatch.
Anyway, I’m up for a secret mission or two if you are! We could kick so much ass together, or you could, and I could try to stay out of the way and not get hit by any flying debris or murder pencils or whatever.
Seriously, though, what’s up with the bad guys’ murder pencils?
I’ll be waiting to hear from you!
Candied bacon, all the time
Ever since one of my coworkers got married and had the best wedding cake ever, I have been craving candied bacon. (She actually had a variety of wedding cakes, but the best one was the cupcakes with bacon on them, because bacon.)
And so, after some experimentation (a.k.a. “googling”), I found a wonderful recipe, care of Lords of Bacon (a.k.a. “my heroes”) for candied bacon.
Thank you, Lords of Bacon, for your service to our world.
Now, I know this isn’t a recipe blog, it’s a humor blog (supposedly. I mean, I laugh at it, but I’ve always thought I was rather clever), but I still think (most of) you guys deserve the recipe for candied bacon, so here it is:
- Take some bacon. Probably about a pound or so. In a large bowl, pour some brown sugar. Roll the bacon in the brown sugar — one at a time is probably best, because, while wads of bacon are yummy, wads of candied bacon make a considerable mess — and place it on the baking tin that you probably should have already prepared by covering with tin foil and then spraying the tin foil with cooking spray. (Lords of Bacon and other blogs recommend some sort of wire rack for cookies goes on top of this, but who the hell has one of those? You can always tell your guests that the pieces of tin foil you couldn’t manage to peel off the bacon is the prize or something.)
Yeah, look at this fancy-pants candied bacon on its highfalutin wire rack.
- After all the bacon has been rolled in the brown sugar and placed on the baking tin or cookie wire rack or whatever, toss them in the oven. I mean, keep them on the tin or wire rack, and put them carefully in the oven. Which should have been set at 350 degrees. (I’m sorry. This is why this isn’t a cooking blog.) If you’ve got any leftover brown sugar, you might as well sprinkle it over the top of the bacon well before it goes into the oven, or you’ll probably burn yourself.
- The bacon should cook for about 30 minutes. Around the halfway mark, you’re supposed to take some tongs and flip the bacon over, but that’s really hard to do so I usually skip that step. If you’ve left the bacon in long strips, 30 minutes should be about right. If you’ve cut them in half, say, on your mother’s recommendation, then 30 minutes will probably be too long and you shouldn’t get complacent just because it was right the first time you tried it and let the bacon burn. So for bacon cut in half, it’s probably more like 25 minutes.
- Of course, this all depends on your oven, so I actually recommend just checking the bacon every few minutes at the end, because you want it crispy, but not burnt. The reason you want it crispy is because it is covered in brown sugar, which makes it a bit soggy, so if the bacon doesn’t get crispy, it will be like trying to eat sugar/bacon-flavored glue.
- Anyway, once the bacon reaches that state of perfection, remove it from the oven and let it cool for a while. Remember those tongs you should’ve used halfway through but probably didn’t? Go ahead and use them now to transfer the bacon to a plate with wax paper on it, peeling off as much tin foil as possible and giving the tin-foily bacon to your least favorite people.
And there you go! You have now achieved nirvana.
Yeah, sorry about that, vegans.
ParaNorman looks kind of good, maybe
Well, once again, I won’t be going to the movies this weekend, and it’s partly because I’m broke from vacation but mostly it’s because of the wretched cold I picked up along the way.
(I mean, I just refuse to be that jerk in the theater who sits there hacking and wheezing and blowing their nose when they should’ve stayed home.)
Because otherwise, I might consider seeing ParaNorman, which, despite its punny title, actually looks kind of good, maybe.
Not like “bring your easily-terrified child” good, but more like “rent it when they’re older or right before they stay at their dad’s house” good.
Plus, John Goodman does a voice role in it, and who doesn’t love John Goodman?
The answer is “Nobody,” or he would never have gotten away with this mustache.
I mean, it’s either that or The Odd Life of Timothy Green, which looks uplifting and heartwarming and sweet, all sorts of things I just hate.
Note to Timothy Green’s parents: It might be time to wash his socks.
(I mean, I’m not seeing that one on purpose, not because I’m sick and poor.)
So, anyway, while you all are out enjoying ParaNorman or maybe Expendables 2 –
Oh. My. God. So many action stars in one film! I could die from the sheer awesome!
– don’t forget about me, miserably suffering through this awful cold.
And how I wish it was you instead.
But if it’s right in front of you, how can you not believe in it?
Why do people say “I don’t believe in …” when they really mean to say “I don’t believe in using …” ?
For instance, the apprentice sneezed and I offered her some antibacterial hand gel, and she said, “I don’t believe in that stuff.”
“But it’s right here,” I replied. “Also, didn’t you tell me you carry some in your car?”
“Well, that’s for dealing with dead bodies and stuff.”
“There’s dead bodies in your car?”
And then she launched into a long and boring diatribe on super-viruses, and I rolled my eyes and started this blog post.
Look! Even the Internet believes in them!
There really is another Bourne movie now, really
So I’ve been on vacation and haven’t had much time for blogging. But I have happened to see the TV spot for The Bourne Legacy approximately 567 times. And, like the first three (?), it looks like an action-filled thrill ride of epic proportions that I just don’t care about.
But I do have to wonder if Matt Damon is happy.
“Is it just me, or did they manage to find the only star in Hollywood who is less attractive than I am?” — Matt Damon
