What’s better than watching one car, slightly bigger than another, run over the smaller one?
But this fictional character battle between two sentient cars comes mighty damn close, I’m sure. (You did know that Christine and KITT were cars, right?)
Let’s get this battle on the road!
Physicality. Christine is a 1958 Plymouth Fury. That’s pretty hot.
KITT is a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am. (For the sake of argument, we’re going to pretend the attempted Knight Rider reboot doesn’t exist, because, GAH, it was terrible.) That’s pretty hot too.
But not as hot as a 1958 Plymouth Fury. Damn, girl. Winner? Christine.
Can talk? KITT can talk, because he is a talking car. Actually, I think KITT is a computer program that can talk that was installed in a car, but Knight Rider was on when I was, like, an infant, so I’m not too clear on the details except for MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOOO. Christine can’t talk, which is probably good, because can you imagine the terrible things she would say? Winner? KITT.
Will straight-up murder you? Since my parents let me watch Knight Rider as a wee child, I can only assume that the violence was pretty PG-rated, like maybe Michael Knight punched a few guys once in a while, or someone tried to run KITT off the road as he made some sort of clever quip because MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOO. Christine, on the other hand, is the main car-acter (Haaaaa, seriously, though, that was terrible. Never allow me to do that again) in a Stephen King novel, which means OF COURSE SHE WILL STRAIGHT-UP MURDER YOU. Winner? Christine.
Has a cooler owner? I’m not sure if Michael Knight owned KITT or stole him or borrowed him or what, because I was a small child and he was A MAN WHO DIDN’T EXIST. But for our purposes here, we’ll call him an “owner,” why not. Anyway, together, he and KITT the MAGIC TALKING CAR WHOOOOO fought crimes (or possibly committed crimes) and wore a lot of black. Also, he probably had some 1980s style sunglasses, because of course he did. That’s pretty cool.
Christine’s owner was an evil old man and then, later, a zit-faced teenager who got haunted by the evil old man. That’s not very cool at all. Winner? KITT.
Can magically repair itself? I realize I’ve been referring to KITT and Christine as him and her, because one’s a boy car and the other’s a lady car, but they’re technically machines. And machines shouldn’t be able to repair themselves. I mean, I don’t think they can. Who knows what scientists have gotten up to nowadays, other than inventing monstrosities that shouldn’t be.
But with magic, whooo! Anything’s possible. Especially when you live in a Stephen King novel. Winner? Christine.
Welp, I’ve run out of categories. Yup. Also, the boss is due back soon.
Overall winner? Christine, because I don’t want the haunted car mad at me.
Here’s a battle between two lovely ladies for your reading pleasure. What do Leia Organa and Turanga Leela have in common, you ask?
Leela and Leia kind of sound alike, that’s what.
On to the battle!
Physicality. One is a young Carrie Fisher with either really long hair or a late 20th-century weave. The other is a Cyclops that is also a cartoon. Winner? Hey, who doesn’t find cartoons attractive? … Seriously, though, it’s a tie.
Is an interstellar space princess? Again with the redundancy, but I really enjoy saying “interstellar space.” Anywho, you know who’s an interstellar space princess? Princess Leia! Princess Leia is an interstellar space princess. Winner? Princess Leia!
Is a sewer-dwelling mutant? Hey, Leela doesn’t live in the sewers! But her parents do, and sometimes she visits, so we’ll call it “close enough.” Winner? Turanga Leela!
Has a ray gun? Everybody in the future has ray guns! Also, people living long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. They also have ray guns. Winner? Everybody wins when they’ve got ray guns!
Has a better romantic interest? Princess Leia’s romantic interest is Han Solo. They’ve got a will-they-or-won’t-they thing going on, and it turns out they totally will, and everybody went squeeeeee! Han Solo is an interstellar space pirate who looks like a young Harrison Ford. Turanga Leela’s romantic is Philip J. Fry, a sweet-natured, slightly dim 20th century boy who ended up in the future through a wacky series of misadventures. Well, okay, just the one misadventure, really. Winner? As with Kara Thrace before him, anybody who goes up against a young Harrison Ford is going to come up just a wee bit short. Princess Leia.
Travels through space? In the future and also, apparently, in the past, everybody travels through space.
Winner? It’s a tie.
Looks good in a Slave Leia costume? If you’d think the winner would be obvious, then you haven’t see this image before:
Winner? Another tie!
Fights an epic evil? If by “fights an epic evil,” you mean “delivers packages to other planets,” then, yes, Turanga Leela fights an epic evil. But you don’t mean that, so: Winner? Princess Leia.
Pilots an interstellar delivery ship? Man, if there’s one thing Star Wars fans would love to see, it would be Princess Leia piloting an interstellar delivery ship. Unfortunately, she doesn’t, so they can’t. Winner? Turanga Leela.
Overall winner? Princess Leia coasts in to the finish line with a slight lead by having the good fortune to fall in love with Han Solo. (I’m not sure why I went with the finish line metaphor, because then these would be fictional character races, not fictional character battles, but we’ll just chalk that one up to creative license, eh?)
You guys, I really wish new Sherlock episodes would start airing soon.
Anyway, here’s a fictional character battle between two criminal masterminds, because while the boss’s away, the mice will update their blogs.
In one corner, we have Lex Luthor, the nemesis of Superman, a super-powered alien being who happens to look like a person. In the other corner we have James “Jim” Moriarty, the nemesis of Sherlock Holmes, a regular human being who has the superpower of being a crime-solving machine.
Who shall win? We’ll find out … once I come up with some categories.
Let’s rock and roll!
Physicality. Lex Luthor is a very, very bald man. I have nothing against very, very bald men, unless they have funny-shaped heads, I guess, but then I’d still blame that on a tiny birth canal or an overeager doctor with a nasty pair of forceps. Still, Lex Luthor is super bald. James Moriarty is sometimes an evil old man in disguise as a math professor, and other times he’s a flamboyant, well-dressed kind of freaky-looking guy.
Winner? Ummmm … Moriarty?
Has a superior nemesis? You’d think Lex Luthor, the guy with the super-powered alien being to … is there a verb form of nemesis? Nemesate? … anyway, you’d think the guy going up against the invincible superhero would have a leg up in the “superior nemesis” portion of this competition, but here’s the thing: Superman is no Sherlock Holmes, am I right?
Is more evil? Lex Luthor is pretty evil, although he’d never admit it. Well, I guess he might, if it was one of those campy Superman comics from the olden days. He does all sorts of evil things that I can’t think of because … I don’t really read Superman comics, I guess. Oooh, but in one of the Superman movies, he wants to flood half of America so he can sell beachfront property in Arizona or someplace. That’s pretty evil. Moriarty also is rather evil, because Sherlock Holmes told me so. He calls him the “Napoleon of Crime,” even! Now, that’s either a dig at his height or he’s a 19th-century supervillain.
Winner? It’s a tie.
Gets elected president? I’m pretty sure, in some story arc, Lex Luthor gets elected president. Also, they don’t have presidents in England.
Winner? Lex Luthor.
Has a cooler ringtone? I don’t know what Lex Luthor’s ringtone is, but I can’t imagine it’s cooler than the Bee Gees, amiright?
Faces his nemesis in mano-a-mano battle and dies? The thing about Superman is that he doesn’t kill people.
Sherlock Holmes hardly ever does it either, but he does seem totally willing to toss you over the side of a waterfall if that’s what’ll stop your evil works.
Winner of this oddly specific category? Moriarty.
Balder? Hey, have I mentioned that Lex Luthor is a very, very bald man?
Winner? Lex Luthor.
Overall winner? Yeah, I gotta wrap this thing up before the boss comes back. The winner, by virtue of proximity to Sherlock Holmes: Professor Moriarty!
Because dogs are cute.
And movie dogs are the cutest dogs of all. Unless Lassie was a television dog, I guess. I’ve never seen an episode of Lassie, or a movie starring Lassie. I’m not really as old as I act sometimes. (That said, you kids stay off my lawn!)
Anyway, watch my ignorance in action as Benji and Lassie, two famous dogs, face off for the honors of being my favorite one on my very own blog that my mom doesn’t even read!
Physicality. Benji and Lassie are both dogs and dogs are cute. Benji, however, has this weird overbite thing going on and a lot of scraggly fur. He’s in the “so ugly he’s cute” camp, kind of. Lassie is one of those pretty long-haired dogs that, I think, maybe herd sheep? Like a collie or something. (Look, I said “dogs are cute.” I didn’t say “I know lots of things about dogs, like what breed they are and how to get my dog to stop hiding under the bed when she sees shoes.”) Winner? Benji, because a dog with a luxurious coat like that Lassie’s just seems a bit too concerned with appearances for me.
Is actually a boy dog? Benji is definitely a boy dog. Lassie, I think, was supposed to be a girl dog, but she gets played by boy dogs because Shakespeare hated ladies or something. Or because “male collies’ coats look more luxurious on TV,” a likely story, chauvinists! Winner? It’s a tie.
Saves small children from kidnappers? The whole plot of Benji’s first movie, Benji, is about Benji and how cute he is as he runs around town to the tune of some terrible, terrible ’70s song. Also, he saves some stupid kids from some stupid kidnappers, because the dog is the smartest one in the movie. For serious! One of the kidnappers thinks there’s an actual ghost eating his pudding, and not, I don’t know, a stray dog or raccoon or one of the smarter kidnappers. I don’t think Lassie ever saves small children from kidnappers, and I’m much too lazy to read the plot synopses of every Lassie thing ever, so this round? Goes to Benji.
Foot-licks a guy back to life? While Lassie might not have saved any kidnapped children, she does save an injured sailor from being buried alive by licking his feet until the humans around revived him. Like, thank God that dog was there, because how dumb are people in dog movies anyway? “Hey, this guy isn’t moving at the moment. He’s probably dead, but I’m not going to check for a pulse or breathing or anything.” Maybe Benji does that, but I don’t think so. Winner? Lassie.
Faces off against a giant cat? The plot of a later Benji movie focuses solely on Benji somehow being lost in the wilderness and I can’t remember the rest, but there’s a mountain lion of some kind. On the other hand, Lassie probably also met a mountain lion, so I can’t really call this with any certainty. Winner? Another tie.
Has a Hollywood star? Lassie has a Hollywood star. Benji, tragically, does not. Consider the petition started. Winner? Lassie.
Quick, I have to get back to work! Let’s do a tiebreaker! Yes, let’s!
The tiebreaker: Which dog is … shorter? It’s Benji! Benji is shorter! Benji for the win! Yea, Benji!
Soooo … overall winner? Is Benji! Now let’s get that puppy his Hollywood star, people! Put your petition for the little dog that could in the comments, and I promise to read it and hope really hard that someone who has influence over these things finds this site by accident. Yea, Benji!
The Last Unicorn is a character (and also a unicorn) in the magnificent fantasy book The Last Unicorn, which is also a slightly less magnificent (but still pretty good) animated movie. The Last Boy Scout is probably a character in the Bruce Willis movie The Last Boy Scout, but maybe it’s just called that and there’s not actually any boy scouts, last or otherwise, in said film. (If you were wondering, no, I’ve never seen The Last Boy Scout, and, prior to googling it just now, I wholeheartedly believed it was a Schwarzenegger film and had a Schwarzenegger anecdote all set to go, so now what the hell am I going to do?)
Anyway, one’s a unicorn and the other is (probably) Bruce Willis.
Prepare for battle!
Physicality. The Last Unicorn is a unicorn, a creature of such immense beauty and grace that no one who crosses paths with her is quite the same after. Later on, she gets transformed into a woman, who is also very beautiful and graceful and all those things I said about the unicorn. The Last Boy Scout, whom we’re assuming for our purposes here is indeed Bruce Willis, looks like Bruce Willis. (Look, I’d've picked The Last Airbender, but I know even less about that than the other, so you do your own fictional character battles and see how you like it!) Winner? The pretty, pretty unicorn.
Lives in a world of magic and wonder? A world with unicorns, even just the one, is a world of magic and wonder, I think. Then again, The Last Boy Scout is a world where private investigators and former pro football players solve crimes together, which is also magical and wondrous. But not so much as unicorns. Winner? The Last Unicorn.
Knows a magician? The Last Unicorn knows a magician. He turns her into a person, which is sadder than you, a person, would think, because nobody except people wants to be people. The Last Boy Scout knows a professional football player and maybe some secret agents. Winner? The Last Unicorn.
Probably shoots some people? The Last Unicorn never shoots anybody, especially people. Nor does she impale people on her horn, which you’d kind of expect in a book I like, but you’d be wrong. In addition to random violence, I also enjoy good writing! The Last Boy Scout, being Bruce Willis, probably shoots the hell out of tons of people. And if not, he should. Winner? The Last Boy Scout.
Has a tragic love story? Some time after The Last Unicorn gets turned into a person, she begins to forget herself and falls in love with the evil-ish King Haggard’s gadabout son, who has transformed himself into a hero to win her over. The whole hero thing doesn’t work, but when he actually tries, you know, talking to her, somehow she gets to know him and the two fall in love a bit. Mostly Prince Lir (the aforementioned gadabout son), because, gosh, she’s just so pretty! Later, she turns back into a SPOILER ALERT, and they can’t be together, because unicorns aren’t like that. Eww. There very well could be a love story shoehorned into The Last Boy Scout, and it could be tragic, but it turns out I don’t care. Winner? The Last Unicorn.
Maybe you really should’ve gone with The Last Airbender? If someone points out to me that there’s another character named “The Last” that I really should’ve heard of, boy, am I going to feel silly!
Makes me cry a little bit? The Last Unicorn, book and movie both, always make me cry a little bit in two places. The first, when the unicorn is transformed into a human, because that’s seriously an awful thing to happen to a unicorn, and the second, at the end, when everybody goes their separate ways. Also, I sometimes cry when Prince Lir dies, but then he comes back to SPOILER ALERT, so it’s OK. Since beginning this post earlier this afternoon, I’ve still never seen The Last Boy Scout. Winner? The Last Unicorn.
Quick! Toss in a Bruce Willis anecdote! Yeah, so, back in the day, Bruce Willis used to have hair. True story.
Moving right along, let’s just declare a winner and call it a day. Winner? The Last Unicorn, because unicorns! Also, read the book, because it’s really lovely.
Physicality. So we’ve got two clowns. One is Pennywise the Clown, the astral projection or something of some ancient evil spawned from the twisted mind of Stephen King. In the television miniseries, he was played by Tim Curry.
The other is Ronald McDonald, who will outlive us all.
They both look like clowns. Winner? They both look like clowns.
Wants you to eat a delicious hamburger? Pennywise wants you to die. Die horribly, screaming in pain, terror and possibly a bit of embarrassment over having wet your pants so hard. He does not want you to eat a delicious hamburger. On the other hand, Ronald McDonald is the spokesman for McDonald’s, of hamburger fame. Five Billion Served and all that. Then again, I said “delicious.” Winner? Nobody.
Has a better name? For a clown, Pennywise is a kind of ridiculous name. It’s probably supposed to harken back to that saying “penny wise, pound foolish,” which kind of sounds more like a diet plan than anything else. Also, it’s not particularly funny, like Fumagalli the Clown or Dimitri. Now that’s funny, right, folks? Ronald McDonald’s first name was chosen probably because it rhymes with McDonald, but at least he was better off than those kids whose parents give them the same last name as their first name, like James James or Henry McHenry. Winner? No one.
Is less evil? Pennywise is an ancient evil, blah blah blah, mentioned it earlier. Ronald McDonald is the spokesman for McDonald’s. Winner? No one. They’re equally evil. Also, they’re clowns, so that makes them equally double evil.
Terrified generations of children? See above.
Terrified generations of adults? See above, wherein you are directed to see even more above.
Overall winner? Nobody, especially us, because we live in a world where such horror continues to exist.
What we have here are two of the deadliest livestock you’re liable to meet: Chew’s Poyo, the violentest rooster ever, and Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s adorable Killer Rabbit.
One is likely to impale you with its razor-sharp claws. The other: to rip your throat out with its horrible teeth.
But which of these terrible monsters is the best?
On to the battle!
Physicality. One of our competitors is a rooster. Roosters are OK looking, I suppose, if you’re into that sort of thing, which, ewwwww. But the other is an adorable killer bunny. An adorable killer bunny! AN ADORABLE KILLER BUNNY! Winner? The adorable killer bunny.
More likely to kill you stone dead? The killer rabbit from The Holy Grail seems to only attack those foolish enough to venture into its territory. Poyo the rooster, however, not only has the ability of flight, but some crazy bastard has made him into a cyborg chicken that can hit Mach 5. (And, yes, take your evil-doing head clean off your shoulders).
It’s a close one, but Poyo could be anywhere. Even right behind you. Right now! Gaahhhh! Winner? Poyo.
Killed more knights/comedic actors? Boy, you know who sure killed a lot of knights/comedic actors? That killer bunny from The Holy Grail. Sure did. Yup. Winner? The killer rabbit.
Works for the USDA? In the world of Chew, the USDA is a much more badass organization than I suspect it is in our world. As such, this badass organization needs the baddest-ass of the badass secret agents on its payroll. That particular badass is Poyo. (I don’t know what they pay him. Corn?) Winner? Poyo.
Fought Satan and won? While his physical body was languishing in a coma, Poyo’s evil rooster soul was busy fighting the hordes of demons in hell and defeating them. I don’t know about the killer bunny, but probably not. Winner? Poyo.
Can only be defeated by a weapon delivered from God? Specifically, by the Holy Hand Grenade? Winner? The killer rabbit.
Brought back from the dead stronger, like a $6 Million Man, only in fowl form? By golly, I think this oddly specific category goes to Poyo!
Overall winner? Poyo! The best chicken ever, except for Fluffietta, the pet chicken I had when I was a kid, and whom my cousins ate that winter.
Because do I really have to explain?
On to the battle!
(Seriously, I don’t think I really have to explain.)
Physicality. If you put Benedict Cumberbatch and Simon Pegg in a room together and told me I could only have one of them, I would curl up on the floor in the fetal position and weep, unable to choose. In the end, though, I’d remember how much I love really tall men, and take the modern-day Sherlock home with me. (I’d put him on my collectibles shelf, of course.) Winner? Benedict Cumberbatch, by virtue of being taller than Simon Pegg. Er, I mean, Sherlock Holmes.
Loves his work more than anything else, except for one special person? Sherlock Holmes lives for the thrill of solving crimes, the more interesting the better. He doesn’t much care for the human race (like, who does, right, bunch of 50 Shades of Grey-loving bastards that they are anyway), except for his bestest buddy of all: Dr. John “Hobbit” Watson. Sgt. Nicholas Angel doesn’t exactly live for the thrill of solving crime, but he sure enjoys everything being all neat and orderly and, you know, solved. He got dumped by his fiancee because he loved his job more than her, and was destined to a life of lonely police work until he met that one special person, Danny Butterman. Winner? It’s a tie.
Is more badass? Until Sherlock Holmes bends a fire poker with his bare hands on Sherlock, I wait with bated breath for an action sequence better than the ones in the second episode of Season 1. On the other hand, Sgt. Nicholas Angel can do flips over fences and all sorts of wonderful stuff and I love him soooooo much! Winner? It’s a tie
Now please enjoy one of my favorite movie scenes ever:
Knows how to drive? I have seen no evidence that Sherlock Holmes knows how to drive, what with most incarnations of him living before there were such things as “cars,” and his most current incarnation taking cabs everywhere (I mean, if they even call them cabs in London, right? Ha, ha, ha, those funny Brits). Sgt. Nicholas Angel, though, can drive, and often does so. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Flips his coat lapel up frequently? You know who does such a thing frequently? Sherlock Holmes frequently does such a thing. I’m not sure Sgt. Nicholas Angel’s coat even has lapels. This doesn’t seem fair at all. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Defeats an evil cabal of town elders? Unfortunately for Sherlock Holmes, London is much too large to be under the control of an evil cabal of town leaders, which is a shame, because I think he’d have fun with that. Sgt. Nicholas Angel, however, SPOILER ALERT I guess, totally does defeat an evil cabal of town elders. And then the jail explodes. Winner? Sgt. Nicholas Angel.
Is a bit, shall we say, nit-picky? Sherlock Holmes once traveled all the way to, I don’t know, Belarus or someplace, to correct a criminal on the proper tense of death by hanging. However, Sgt. Nicholas Angel carries two pens with him at all times, God I love him, and insists on calling cops police officers and does all sorts of stuff by the book, because he is the best and I love him. Winner? It’s a tie.
Faked his own death? Sherlock Holmes faked the hell out of his own death, what with pretending he’d died in a plummet from Reichenbach Falls and all, fooling the world, his own best friend, and all of Arthur Conan Doyle’s readers. Mostly this is because Sir Doyle really did kill off Holmes, and retconned him back into existence, but faked his own death it is! Sgt. Nicholas Angel didn’t actually fake his own death, but he pretended to be dead when Danny stabbed him, so that kind of counts, right? Winner? It’s a tie!
The ultimate, tie-breaking question: Who has a cuter sidekick/BFF? Awww, jeez, this is rough. I mean, Dr. John Watson is so Martin Freeman-y, what with the cute blonde hair and that face — but Danny Butterman is the adorable Nick Frost, who is just so cute and I love him and I can’t decide!!! Winner? It’s a tie-ish?
Um, overall winner? Hah, I’m just kidding. The winner is Sherlock Holmes, because he always wins these things.
So, I didn’t actually go see The Avengers last weekend. (I know. It was just me, your little brother Timmy [who was grounded anyway] and the crazy cat lady from down the street.) But I figured they deserve to be honored for soundly trouncing box office records for an opening weekend, and so I am honoring them, as such, by having them face off against another team that starts with an “A.” That team is … the A-Team.
(Yes, I know you can read and, thus, knew that from the post title, but I put a lot of thought into this intro, so please be patient.)
Speaking of intros, the Avengers are self-explanatory, because you all went to see their movie last weekend (unless you didn’t, in which case, hi, Crazy Cat Lady!), but for those of who who a) don’t remember the ’80s; b) didn’t exist in the ’80s; c) I hate you, get off my lawn, the A-Team (which was also a [less successful] movie recently) was a team comprised of Hannibal, Mr. T and some other guys, who went around helping people on the sly after being accused of a crime they didn’t commit. (In the ’80s, people were always getting accused of crimes they didn’t commit. It was a whole thing.)
On to the battle!
Physicality. The Avengers are comprised of Iron Man, The (Incredible) Hulk, Thor, Captain America and that chick in a leather suit. Oh, and I guess Hawkeye, the one I forgot about because they didn’t make a movie about him first and also, who remembers the guy without superpowers?
Anyway, they’re all very attractive people, because nobody makes a summer blockbuster about average-looking people. That would be crazy. The A-Team, as previously mentioned, features Mr. T (not the character’s name, but does anybody remember the character’s name?), Murdock (who’s kind of goofy-looking), a white fox named Hannibal Smith and a guy so ’80s-style hot his nickname was “Face.” Winners? I can’t help but notice The Avengers are all very whitebread, which I guess I should expect for a team made up of Norse gods and American Nazi-fighting supermen, so I feel like I should give this win to the A-Team for being more ethnically diverse, at least, but then I look at Chris Evans and I go “guhhhhhhhhh” because have you seen that man? So, to reiterate: Winners? The Avengers.
Has superpowers? The A-Team doesn’t have superpowers, unless you count the power to make things and people explode without actually getting killed good and dead or even hurt very badly. (God bless the ’80s and its magnificent explosions.) The Avengers does have superpowers, except for Hawkeye, who just has good aim; Black Widow, who only needs to look good in leather; and Tony Stark, who has a super-powered suit. Still, they do have Thor, who is a Marvel-ized version of a Norse god; The (Incredible) Hulk, who has the superpower of being a hideous monster; and Captain America, who has the superpower of getting injected with some sort of serum that gives you … eh … superpowers. That’s more than the A-Team has, superpowerwise, for sure. Winners? The Avengers.
To be fair here, has Mr. T? I pity the team that doesn’t get to hang with Mr. T. Winners? The A-Team.
To be even more fair, managed to avoid the fate of having to deal with an “actress”? The A-Team was supposed to feature Tia Carrere as a member of the team in later seasons, but she was under contract to some soap opera or another, so they dodged that bullet. The Avengers have Scarlet Johansson on their team, who portrays a Russian about as convincingly as I do. Winners? The A-Team.
Fights a more evil foe? To tell you the truth, I’m not even sure who The Avengers are supposed to be fighting. Aliens? Loki? Nazis? I do know that the A-Team was on the run from the American military (for that crime they didn’t commit, remember), and that a lot of people think the military is evil. Not me, though. I’m patriotic all the way. I’m even waving a tiny American flag right now. God Bless the USA!
Winners? Eh, the Avengers?
Has a scarier boss? The Avengers’ boss is Nick Fury, a man who’s so scary his last name is Fury and they could only cast Samuel L. Jackson, legally, to play him. He’s just that scary. The A-Team is usually bossed around by Hannibal, but sometimes they work under a mean old general. Unfortunately for them in this here category, that mean old general was not played by Samuel L. Jackson. Probably because he was, like, 12 or something. Winners? The Avengers.
Met Boy George? Shut up, you kids, and enjoy this link to Karma Chameleon. At any rate, The Avengers did not meet Boy George, unless he has a cameo in the movie that no one mentioned. The A-Team did. Also, they got to meet Hulk Hogan. Winners? The A-Team.
Met Stan Lee? It’s a Marvel movie, of course they did. Winners? The Avengers.
Would be awesome as a team of little people? Actually, The Avengers would be pretty awesome as a team of little people, as would every team, except possibly basketball teams, I suppose. However, only the A-Team has photographic evidence of exactly how awesome they would be as a team of little people. Winners? The A-Team. Also, the Internet.
Overall winners? Yes, despite me choosing the A-Team precisely so I had an excuse to re-use that awesome photo, they are no match for the awesome might of The Avengers. I mean, those guys beat Harry Potter and stuff! Winners? The Avengers.
One’s an amorphous blob of indiscriminate evil, the other’s a hideous space alien.
Star Wars Jabba the Hutt in an epic battle against The Sopranos Tony Soprano. (By “epic,” I mean, these fictional character battles are usually longer than my other posts, kind of like epics are longer than regular novels.)
Which of these organized crime members will come out on top?
Will it be the guy in the show I’ve never seen?
Who knows, right?
Off to battle!
Physicality. Jabba the Hutt is a hideous space monster thing. He’s got stubby little Tyrannosaurus arms without the powerful hind legs to propel him. Tony Soprano is played by James Gandolfini, who’s got a little something sexy going on. Winner? Tony Soprano.
Has an interstellar space vehicle? I love redundantly saying “interstellar space.” Just makes space sound cooler, y’know? Anyway, Tony Soprano lives on earth, where the only people with interstellar vessels of any sort are the governments or, if you’re a conspiracy theorist, the rich and powerful. As a Mob member, I guess Tony could be rich and powerful enough to have an interstellar space vehicle, but you’d think it would’ve come up as a plot point then. Jabba the Hutt lives in the Star Wars universe, where everybody has an interstellar space vehicle. Because there’s no point in having a space opera without spaceships, that’s why. Unfortunately for Jabba the Hut, either he hasn’t got a space vehicle of his own or he’s just too goddamned heavy to get off Tatooine, because he’s always having that rascal Han Solo do his interstellar smuggling for him. Winner? Nobody.
Hangs out with a more assorted gaggle of scum and other villains? Both these gentlemen (creatures?) spend their days with a gaggle of varying degrees of scum, from cops on the take to interstellar bounty hunters to whatever the hell that crazy band in Return of the Jedi was.
However, only one of these guys has a right-hand man who’s got tentacles instead of hair. Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
Was betrayed by a close compatriot? If you count being infiltrated by the Rebels and having your right-hand man getting his brains all Jedi’d, then, yes, Jabba the Hutt was betrayed by a close compatriot. However, if you count that, you’re wrong, because that doesn’t match up with the definition of “close compatriot” at all. Tony Soprano, on the other hand, had all sorts of close buddies go running to the Feds, including the hilariously named “Big Pussy,” a moniker that would get you all sorts of bullied if people didn’t know who your friends were. Winner? Tony Soprano.
Got to hang out with Leia Organa in a slave outfit? Jabba the Hutt has quite the eclectic taste in ladies. Winner? Jabba.
Is more evil? Now this one’s a toughie. Jabba the Hutt is pretty evil, what with the feeding everybody to the Rancor and Sarlacc. But he never straight-up murders his troubled, drug-addicted nephew (as far as I know. Don’t get all expanded universe-y on me, here). Winner? Tony Soprano.
Faces cooler foes? Tony Soprano only ever has to worry about the Feds, other Mob members and his wife. Jabba the Hutt gets his ass handed to him by everyone’s favorite heroes: Han, Lando and Whatsisname.
Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
Sees a psychiatrist? Or maybe it’s a psychologist, I don’t know. I already told you, I’ve never seen the show. (Stop recommending it. I’ll get around to it someday.) Winner? Tony “Panic Attack” Soprano.
Dies an ignoble death? If dying an ignoble death can truly be considered a “win,” then Jabba the Hutt, strangled to death by the very chain with which he tethered the Rebel princess Leia Organa to his throne, indeed wins. Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe doesn’t die? Actually, maybe I won’t get around to watching The Sopranos, if the ending is as irritating as I’ve been led to believe. Did Tony get to enjoy his meal with his family? Or was he shot dead in his, you know, prime or whatever? No one will ever know! Winner? Tony Soprano.
Is unaffected by Jedi mind powers? Hey, you know who’s unaffected by Jedi mind powers? Jabba the Hutt is unaffected by Jedi mind powers! Winner? Jabba the Hutt.
The tie-breaking question, because I’m running out of things I know about Tony Soprano: Has a better wardrobe? Tony Soprano’s wardrobe runs the gamut of stereotypical Mafioso style, from velour track suits to Hawaiian shirts to fancy silk suits. Jabba the Hutt sits around naked all the day long. Begging the question: Where the hell are his genitals? Winner? Tony Soprano.
Overall winner? In a shocking turn of events, Anthony “Tony” Soprano takes this one.