Not a fan of scary masks
Right, then. The Purge.
There’s some kind of bulimia joke in here, but it’ll take a better writer than I to make it.
Set in a future somewhere between dystopia and utopia (so, just “the future,” then, I guess), America has become a magical wonderland filled with unicorns and candy because one night a year, crime is legal. Also, there’s no unicorns and hardly any candy.
“What happened to all the candy?”
Future Ethan Hawke, who looks like he could stand to gain a few pounds, lives with his family in a big fancy house with lots of security. They love The Purge, because no one has ever killed them during it. Also, I have to wonder, if all crime is legal one night a year, couldn’t one of Ethan Hawke’s employees, like, totally embezzle all the moneys from his nice security business and he couldn’t do anything about it?
Anyway, logic aside, Ethan Hawke (who is seriously looking pretty skeletal) and his creepy family (I mean, come on! Look at that little boy! Creepy!) are locked up safe and sound in their house when one of the kids grows a conscience or something, and lets a guy in to safety.
I think it’s the dead eyes, like a haunted doll’s.
Then the murderous thugs show up in scary masks because of course the murderous thugs show up in scary masks.
Of course, because all crime is legal that night, I can only assume they’re wearing scary masks so the next day, they won’t have to put up with their neighbors going: “Oh, Helen, your lipstick last night when you were murdering that innocent man was so gauche!”
And one of Ethan Hawke’s creepy children says “Things will never be all right again,” like, maybe this didn’t occur to you before in your nice house, but lots of people are getting killed out there, so at least your creepy little brother was being proactive and not a sociopath.
In the end, it looks like the murderous thugs in scary masks get into their house and probably they get killed or do some killing, I don’t know, and why won’t someone feed Ethan Hawke a cheeseburger?
“I’m so terribly hungry.”
So The Purge is either some kind of failed social commentary or just a scary movie with a lame premise. It’s hard to be sure.
Meh, it’s probably both.
Maybe your kid doesn’t WANT to be famous, Will Smith
Wikipedia says that After Earth is “a 2013 American science fiction film directed by M. Night Shyamalan that he co-wrote with Gary Whitta based on an original story idea by Will Smith.”
Wikipedia says a lot of things.
That … is a terrible combination of things.
And it is made worse (of course) by Will Smith wanting this to be a starring vehicle for his son, who does seem like a very nice boy, but maybe not quite ready for all these leading roles? Like, let him work his way up to it, huh, Will Smith?
Look at that face, Will Smith! He so obviously is only doing this to please you!
Anyway: After Earth. Will Smith stars as *snigger* Cypher Raige, because Will Smith is an 8-year-old boy, and Will Smith’s son stars as Kaita Raige, but I think he maybe really is an 8-year-old boy, and, also, that’s not his fault. The Raiges *snort* are on a mission to return to Earth, because this is the future and in every movie about the future this year, except that one with Evil Sherlock Holmes, has abandoned earth. Then there’s a terrible ship wreck and Kaita Raige *chuckle* has to learn to fight his fear and also a bunch of giant mutant animals because the tagline of the movie is: Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.
Actually, I’m pretty sure Fear is a Biological Response.
Also, there’s not a twist, so that’s something.
Unless the twist is that it’s possible to do better CGI than this, but no one on this movie bothered.
Huzzah for evil Benedict Cumberbatch
Hey, guys! Some movie opens this weekend and the modern Sherlock Holmes is a bad guy in it and I want to see it sooooo bad because is there anything hotter than a villainous Benedict Cumberbatch?
I submit that: No. No, there is not.
Seriously, though, the new Star Trek movie looks really awesome in certain spots, like the parts that have my TV boyfriend, Evil Sherlock Holmes, and also the parts that have Simon Pegg because SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
To reiterate: SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
Wait, that wasn’t very serious at all.
The trailer, which I linked to above for your clicking pleasure, is all overwrought with oh my god what will New Captain Kirk do and his obsession will kill us all and it’s like who can get behind a guy with eyebrows like that, you know?
“My eyebrows will stop your terrorist ways, Evil Sherlock Holmes.”
And then Evil Holmes swoops in all awesomely, and I totally can’t go see this movie in the theaters because I’ll be rooting for the terrorist to win, which makes me profoundly unAmerican, I guess.
But you guys tell me how it is, and then tell me when the Internet makes a version that cuts out all the non-Benedict Cumberbatch scenes, and I’ll watch that one.
I guess they can leave in the Simon Pegg scenes too.
I don’t actually care about the Evil Dead remake
Now, I know a lot of Evil Dead fans are up in arms about the Evil Dead remake.
Or up in chainsaw arms! Ha ha ha!
But the thing they don’t remember is that there are three movies in the Evil Dead series and the best, by far, is Evil Dead 2. (Shut up, Army of Darkness lovers. It’s good! It’s just not as good as Evil Dead 2, which is one of the best movies ever.)
Gah! It’s legs!
(Seriously, though, what’s up with the remake’s stupid poster?)
So who cares if there’s a completely unnecessary Evil Dead remake? Everything’s got completely unnecessary remakes nowadays. Hell! Even Psycho has a prequel television series, like: Fecking seriously? A Psycho prequel television series? And before Psycho had a wholly unnecessary prequel television series, it had a wholly unnecessary remake that was supposed to be an “homage” to the original Hitchcock film.
Why couldn’t we have just re-released the original in theaters and called it a day?
WHATEVER!
“You killed my father, etc., etc.”
The important thing to keep in mind is that the existence of the Evil Dead remake is like the existence of that ridiculously useless The Thing prequel. They’re both stupid and useless and, unless you’re in some sort of hostage situation, no one is forcing you to watch them EVER.
“Just kill me instead!”
Also, you still need to remember that Evil Dead 2 is the best one, and save your anger for when they remake that.
Because you know Hollywood will never allow that many hillbilly characters in a room together ever again.
Because nothing could ever compare to the original.
Nothing.
Knowing = Battle/Half
The new G.I. Joe movie comes out today and there is really only one thing you need to know before deciding to see it. That one thing is: Did Ray Park return as Snake Eyes?
SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!
The answer is: YES GET YOUR ASS TO THE MOVIE THEATER STAT! Ray Park’s gonna do stuff!
Like fight other ninja on a cliff, suspended by ropes, this will be the best movie EVAH!
Whole lotta new movies coming out this weekend
Like, we’ve got Admission, which I think would be fun to buy tickets to, so you can ask for “admission to Admission,” unless you’re one of those boring types who just says, “Two tickets for Admission, please.” But why would you do that?
“Because I love Tina Fey and hate stupid jokes?”
Also, there’s The Croods, which is animated, so you don’t have to (get to?) see Nic Cage make with the crazy eyes.
“Hi! We’re from the Uncanny Valley. Nice to meet you!”
Plus there’s Olympus has Fallen, which sounds like it has tons of violence, so that might make up for it, you know, existing.
Gerard Butler: Refusing to star in good movies since 2003.
In addition: InAPPropriate Comedy, which … Really? Really? Someone greenlit this title? And you didn’t like my “admission to Admission joke.” Ha.
“That’s because it’s not a joke. At best, it’s a play on words.”
We’re also getting Spring Breakers, so there you go. Like, a half-dozen (go to hell, counting!) reasons not to go to the movies this weekend.
Unless you like boobs, I guess. Then you should go.
Oz is a thing I didn’t see last weekend
Lately, I’d been wondering why people were talking so much about the Oz prequel. Actually, I wasn’t wondering so much about people talking as I was about people posting things on the Internet, because I don’t actually know any people. But wondering about the Oz prequel, I was.
It mostly consisted of me going: “Huh? They made an Oz prequel?”
And then it turned out it was because the Oz prequel was opening this last weekend! And I went “Oh, right,” and hit myself in the forehead in a slapstick manner.
So the things I know about the Oz prequel:
1. It’s loosely based on L. Frank Baum’s Oz books.
2. Sam Raimi directed it.
He looks so friendly, like, even if you were the worst actor ever, he’d just nice you into a decent performance.
3. Which means Bruce Campbell must be in it somewhere.
Don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I don’t want to know.
So there you go. I didn’t see it, and I probably won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving Sam Raimi for Evil Dead 2.
Insert Whitney Houston singing the Bodyguard theme here.
The movies I’m not seeing this weekend
OH GOD THERE’S ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS ADAPTATION AND ANOTHER TWILIGHT KNOCKOFF WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?
Any wagers on how exactly like the other Nicholas Sparks adaptations it is?
Supernatural teen love: Because dating regular people is boring.
Now I have to be THAT guy
So I saw Warm Bodies (the book) laying on the table at the bookstore. I picked it up and perused the back cover.
I’d've perused the front cover, but it was kind of off-putting.
A zombie romance? Man, I liked zombies before they were cool.
(I kind of hate myself.)
Warm Bodies, a zombie romance, has been made into a movie. Apparently, it’s something like a parody of Twilight, which seems silly to me, because why bother to parody something that’s already a parody of writing to begin with?
Seriously, though, it just seems like all you’d need to do is point at Twilight and laugh.
Anyway, it’s the epic love story between Beast from X-Men: First Class, aka a zombie who only remembers his first initial: R, and a living human girl named Julie. R and Julie, if you didn’t get the reference. Also, a link if you really didn’t get the reference.
Plus this photo, for if you’re too lazy to click the link: It’s Romeo and Juliet, you guys. Romeo and Juliet!
And somehow, because Beast from X-Men has feelings now, all the rest of the zombies start having feelings, except for the zombies who are skeletons, because people are so delicious. (A side note: ignoring the fact that why should dead things want to eat anything to begin with, why would skeletons want to eat anything? They don’t have stomachs anymore, or taste buds, or throats or anything. So they just gnaw at you because why the hell not??) So then it’s the humans and the nice zombies vs. the skeleton zombies, and it actually looks kind of funny.
Well, except for when they go for the really obvious jokes, of course.
But that doesn’t matter, because I am so over zombies now.
I liked them before they were cool.
But not well enough to hang up any stupid posters in my home, thank God.
Making me wish the witch had ate ‘em: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
I really hate this modern-day trend of remaking fairy tales to suit our modern-day sensibilities. It’s like no one remembers the originals were filled with sex and violence and cannibalism or something.
Case in point: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. (I just want you to know I am aware that there’s an awful lot of colons for one blog post, and I apologize.) The original tale is a story of child abandonment, candy houses, attempted cannibalism and gruesome witch murder.
The funny thing about fairy tales is, when the Grimm brothers cleaned them up for public consumption, they removed a lot of the sex and added more violence. Just like movies now!
But that’s not action-filled enough for today’s audiences, so we had to make Hansel into Jeremy Renner, the averagest-looking lead man since Matt Damon and Gretel into Gemma Arterton, whom you’ve never heard of either. That’ll bring in the audiences for sure!
Oh, look, you guys! Classic tale, new twist.
Wheee!
In case it doesn’t, though, there’s medieval bazookas (or something) and a coven of witches with a grander master plan than “eating children is delicious.” That sounds interesting. Or, wait, no. I’m sorry. I spelled “stupid” wrong.
Anyway, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is especially a kick in the face to fairy tale-loving folk like myself, because we just read the new volume of Fables, which is beautiful and horrifying, all at once (consider this your umpteenth recommendation for Fables and start reading it already), leaving you thinking about it for days afterward.
For God’s sake, why aren’t you reading this there are 18 volumes already you’ll have to break your piggy bank to buy them all now gaahhhh!
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters doesn’t hit the beautiful (I’m sorry, but if they really wanted to, they’d've cast better-looking leads), nor does it get the horrifying right, except in the sense of “I’m horrified that anyone bothered to make this film.”
So, yeah. Read Fables, Re-read Fables, check out a collection of fairy tales and, for the love of God, if you actually enjoy Jeremy Renner, then watch The Hurt Locker again. But avoid this. Please.
Unless I hate you, in which case, enjoy your suffering, jerk!
