Right, then. The Purge.
Set in a future somewhere between dystopia and utopia (so, just “the future,” then, I guess), America has become a magical wonderland filled with unicorns and candy because one night a year, crime is legal. Also, there’s no unicorns and hardly any candy.
Future Ethan Hawke, who looks like he could stand to gain a few pounds, lives with his family in a big fancy house with lots of security. They love The Purge, because no one has ever killed them during it. Also, I have to wonder, if all crime is legal one night a year, couldn’t one of Ethan Hawke’s employees, like, totally embezzle all the moneys from his nice security business and he couldn’t do anything about it?
Anyway, logic aside, Ethan Hawke (who is seriously looking pretty skeletal) and his creepy family (I mean, come on! Look at that little boy! Creepy!) are locked up safe and sound in their house when one of the kids grows a conscience or something, and lets a guy in to safety.
Then the murderous thugs show up in scary masks because of course the murderous thugs show up in scary masks.
And one of Ethan Hawke’s creepy children says “Things will never be all right again,” like, maybe this didn’t occur to you before in your nice house, but lots of people are getting killed out there, so at least your creepy little brother was being proactive and not a sociopath.
In the end, it looks like the murderous thugs in scary masks get into their house and probably they get killed or do some killing, I don’t know, and why won’t someone feed Ethan Hawke a cheeseburger?
So The Purge is either some kind of failed social commentary or just a scary movie with a lame premise. It’s hard to be sure.
Wikipedia says that After Earth is “a 2013 American science fiction film directed by M. Night Shyamalan that he co-wrote with Gary Whitta based on an original story idea by Will Smith.”
That … is a terrible combination of things.
And it is made worse (of course) by Will Smith wanting this to be a starring vehicle for his son, who does seem like a very nice boy, but maybe not quite ready for all these leading roles? Like, let him work his way up to it, huh, Will Smith?
Anyway: After Earth. Will Smith stars as *snigger* Cypher Raige, because Will Smith is an 8-year-old boy, and Will Smith’s son stars as Kaita Raige, but I think he maybe really is an 8-year-old boy, and, also, that’s not his fault. The Raiges *snort* are on a mission to return to Earth, because this is the future and in every movie about the future this year, except that one with Evil Sherlock Holmes, has abandoned earth. Then there’s a terrible ship wreck and Kaita Raige *chuckle* has to learn to fight his fear and also a bunch of giant mutant animals because the tagline of the movie is: Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.
Also, there’s not a twist, so that’s something.
Hey, guys! Some movie opens this weekend and the modern Sherlock Holmes is a bad guy in it and I want to see it sooooo bad because is there anything hotter than a villainous Benedict Cumberbatch?
Seriously, though, the new Star Trek movie looks really awesome in certain spots, like the parts that have my TV boyfriend, Evil Sherlock Holmes, and also the parts that have Simon Pegg because SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!
Wait, that wasn’t very serious at all.
The trailer, which I linked to above for your clicking pleasure, is all overwrought with oh my god what will New Captain Kirk do and his obsession will kill us all and it’s like who can get behind a guy with eyebrows like that, you know?
And then Evil Holmes swoops in all awesomely, and I totally can’t go see this movie in the theaters because I’ll be rooting for the terrorist to win, which makes me profoundly unAmerican, I guess.
But you guys tell me how it is, and then tell me when the Internet makes a version that cuts out all the non-Benedict Cumberbatch scenes, and I’ll watch that one.
Now, I know a lot of Evil Dead fans are up in arms about the Evil Dead remake.
But the thing they don’t remember is that there are three movies in the Evil Dead series and the best, by far, is Evil Dead 2. (Shut up, Army of Darkness lovers. It’s good! It’s just not as good as Evil Dead 2, which is one of the best movies ever.)
So who cares if there’s a completely unnecessary Evil Dead remake? Everything’s got completely unnecessary remakes nowadays. Hell! Even Psycho has a prequel television series, like: Fecking seriously? A Psycho prequel television series? And before Psycho had a wholly unnecessary prequel television series, it had a wholly unnecessary remake that was supposed to be an “homage” to the original Hitchcock film.
The important thing to keep in mind is that the existence of the Evil Dead remake is like the existence of that ridiculously useless The Thing prequel. They’re both stupid and useless and, unless you’re in some sort of hostage situation, no one is forcing you to watch them EVER.
Also, you still need to remember that Evil Dead 2 is the best one, and save your anger for when they remake that.
The new G.I. Joe movie comes out today and there is really only one thing you need to know before deciding to see it. That one thing is: Did Ray Park return as Snake Eyes?
The answer is: YES GET YOUR ASS TO THE MOVIE THEATER STAT! Ray Park’s gonna do stuff!
Like, we’ve got Admission, which I think would be fun to buy tickets to, so you can ask for “admission to Admission,” unless you’re one of those boring types who just says, “Two tickets for Admission, please.” But why would you do that?
Also, there’s The Croods, which is animated, so you don’t have to (get to?) see Nic Cage make with the crazy eyes.
Plus there’s Olympus has Fallen, which sounds like it has tons of violence, so that might make up for it, you know, existing.
In addition: InAPPropriate Comedy, which … Really? Really? Someone greenlit this title? And you didn’t like my “admission to Admission joke.” Ha.
We’re also getting Spring Breakers, so there you go. Like, a half-dozen (go to hell, counting!) reasons not to go to the movies this weekend.
Lately, I’d been wondering why people were talking so much about the Oz prequel. Actually, I wasn’t wondering so much about people talking as I was about people posting things on the Internet, because I don’t actually know any people. But wondering about the Oz prequel, I was.
And then it turned out it was because the Oz prequel was opening this last weekend! And I went “Oh, right,” and hit myself in the forehead in a slapstick manner.
So the things I know about the Oz prequel:
1. It’s loosely based on L. Frank Baum’s Oz books.
2. Sam Raimi directed it.
3. Which means Bruce Campbell must be in it somewhere.
So there you go. I didn’t see it, and I probably won’t, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever stop loving Sam Raimi for Evil Dead 2.
OH GOD THERE’S ANOTHER NICHOLAS SPARKS ADAPTATION AND ANOTHER TWILIGHT KNOCKOFF WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD?
So I saw Warm Bodies (the book) laying on the table at the bookstore. I picked it up and perused the back cover.
A zombie romance? Man, I liked zombies before they were cool.
(I kind of hate myself.)
Warm Bodies, a zombie romance, has been made into a movie. Apparently, it’s something like a parody of Twilight, which seems silly to me, because why bother to parody something that’s already a parody of writing to begin with?
Anyway, it’s the epic love story between Beast from X-Men: First Class, aka a zombie who only remembers his first initial: R, and a living human girl named Julie. R and Julie, if you didn’t get the reference. Also, a link if you really didn’t get the reference.
And somehow, because Beast from X-Men has feelings now, all the rest of the zombies start having feelings, except for the zombies who are skeletons, because people are so delicious. (A side note: ignoring the fact that why should dead things want to eat anything to begin with, why would skeletons want to eat anything? They don’t have stomachs anymore, or taste buds, or throats or anything. So they just gnaw at you because why the hell not??) So then it’s the humans and the nice zombies vs. the skeleton zombies, and it actually looks kind of funny.
But that doesn’t matter, because I am so over zombies now.
I liked them before they were cool.
I really hate this modern-day trend of remaking fairy tales to suit our modern-day sensibilities. It’s like no one remembers the originals were filled with sex and violence and cannibalism or something.
Case in point: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. (I just want you to know I am aware that there’s an awful lot of colons for one blog post, and I apologize.) The original tale is a story of child abandonment, candy houses, attempted cannibalism and gruesome witch murder.
But that’s not action-filled enough for today’s audiences, so we had to make Hansel into Jeremy Renner, the averagest-looking lead man since Matt Damon and Gretel into Gemma Arterton, whom you’ve never heard of either. That’ll bring in the audiences for sure!
In case it doesn’t, though, there’s medieval bazookas (or something) and a coven of witches with a grander master plan than “eating children is delicious.” That sounds interesting. Or, wait, no. I’m sorry. I spelled “stupid” wrong.
Anyway, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters is especially a kick in the face to fairy tale-loving folk like myself, because we just read the new volume of Fables, which is beautiful and horrifying, all at once (consider this your umpteenth recommendation for Fables and start reading it already), leaving you thinking about it for days afterward.
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters doesn’t hit the beautiful (I’m sorry, but if they really wanted to, they’d've cast better-looking leads), nor does it get the horrifying right, except in the sense of “I’m horrified that anyone bothered to make this film.”
So, yeah. Read Fables, Re-read Fables, check out a collection of fairy tales and, for the love of God, if you actually enjoy Jeremy Renner, then watch The Hurt Locker again. But avoid this. Please.