Recently, you’ve found yourself in the position of imminent death by alien. But maybe there’s hope! (There’s probably not hope.) Anyway, here’s a list of ways to be certain you’re about to be killed in a truly gruesome way.
1. Are you a crew member aboard an interstellar ship of some sort?
Or maybe you’re a marine from the future, or a criminal on a prison planet or whatever the fourth movie was about.
2. Is there an android aboard with its own shady agenda?
Have you got the Ian Holm model or the Michael Fassbender model on board? I mean, either way you’re toast, but one of the androids is Michael Fassbender.
3. Is your name Ellen Ripley?
It’s not, you say? Well … that’s a shame.
4.Did your idiot crew mate Kane run off and get some sort of hideous monster with acid for blood attached to his face?
And then did the rest of you morons bring him on board instead of being all, “It was nice knowing you, Kane! Enjoy being an alien incubator! Rest in peace!”
5. Then, after your idiot crew mate Kane seemed to recover from having a hideous monster stuck to his face, did none of the rest of you think maybe it didn’t just fall off and die?
It’s called “Survival of the Fittest,” for a reason, you guys.
6. After your unfortunate crew mate Kane succumbed to the injuries of having birthed a hideous space monster out of his chest, did you decide to hold a makeshift memorial for him rather than killing the creature while it was still relatively harmless?
It’s nice to honor your crew mates, but Kane would’ve wanted you to avenge his death first.
7. Are you working for the Weyland-Yutani Company, which puts profits before the safety of its employees?
You’ll know for sure if you intercept a message to the evil android on board that declares “Crew is expendable.”
8. Is your ridiculously outdated (despite being from the future) technology no use against the terror that is stalking you?
I mean, how can you travel through space and have computers on board that look like Atari systems?
9. You’re absolutely sure your name’s not Ellen Ripley?
Yeah, the aliens get her in the end too, but her life expectancy is a tad longer than everybody else’s. Also, she gets cloned!
10. In space, can anyone hear you scream?
No. No they cannot.
Everybody loves a mad scientist. And lucky you! You just so happen to be dating one! … You think.
Let’s just make sure, shall we?
1. Oh, your boyfriend is mad, all right. Very mad indeed. But it turns out that instead of science, his obsession is millinery.
Interesting story! The famous courtesan Kitty Fisher was a milliner before she became a courtesan. Later, she died of lead poisoning due to the ingredients in the popular face makeup of the time.
(Shut up! Learning things is fun!)
2. Your boyfriend is mad, and also a scientist. Also, he has a pet monster.
And sometimes, people call the monster by your boyfriend’s name.
3. OK, your boyfriend is a scientist, AND he’s mad, and he’s also really, really old.
And from the future!
4. Madness is a trait of your boyfriend’s, and maybe he’s a scientist, but probably not. Also, his name is Max.
And he’s Mel Gibson before he went mad.
5. So let’s say your boyfriend is a genius scientist who happens to be mad. Should you feel badly about two-timing him with his evil self?
6.Your boyfriend’s mad, a scientist, and Edison hates him soooo much.
He’s probably just jealous that they’ll get David Bowie to portray him in the movies.
7. For your birthday, he got you a puppy.
And its DNA had been spliced with a human’s, and it’s miserable, and you’re miserable, and you all live miserably together on an island.
8. He travels to other universes!
And has a pet cow.
9. He might be mad, he’s definitely a warrior, and he battles evil.
And hangs out with Warwick Davis.
(It’s a Willow reference. Get it?)
10. He travels through time in elegant fashion, and has awesome (?) hair.
Some folks might say you could do better than dating Doc Brown, but some folks are crazy.
There you go. Unless you’re dating the Mad Hatter, Mad Max or Madmartigan, then you’re definitely dating a mad scientist. I hope this helped you. I know it helped me.
So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!
(But probably not!)
Let’s find out anyway:
1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden (yet attractive) actor?
Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.
2. Does he ever smile?
I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.
3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?
Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.
4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?
And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?
5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?
“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”
6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?
Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?
7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?
“I’m an actor,” he replied.
8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.
“What are you, a film critic?” he said.
9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”
“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.
10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”
You’re blackmailing someone, right?
So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.
Now, some sins aren’t even, well, “sins,” per se, but they’re still very annoying, and almost assuredly there’s a special spot in hell for people who do these things.
Here’s a list of 10 things that make me hope you spend at least a few months of your eternity suffering for your transgressions:
1. People who don’t pull over for ambulances. This. Pisses. Me. Off. So. Much. Like, where could you possibly be going that is more important than the people who are trying to save someone’s life? Pull over! You suck! I hate you!
2. People who throw cigarettes out their car windows. I hate littering in general, but it really, really, really ticks me off when people throw cigarettes out their windows. Because all cars have ash trays in them, Christ. True story: I went to visit one of my friends in Whitefish, Montana, and she was working as a firefighter that summer. We were driving along, and she flicked her still-lit cigarette out the window into the very dry, dry, dry bushes. “What is that, job security?” I said. “Ha, ha, ha,” she said. We haven’t spoken since.
3. People who don’t put their shopping carts away. Once, there was an old guy parked right next to the cart rack and he didn’t put his shopping cart away. As I put mine away, and put his away too, I shouted to him, “Hey, did you notice? There’s a cart rack right here? It’s right next to you!” Really, it’s a miracle nobody’s murdered me yet.
4. People who switch lines when the sales clerk says “I can help whoever’s next,” and they aren’t next. A woman did that when there was this really, really old, fragile lady in front of her who’d been waiting much longer, and I loudly declared, “I believe this lady in front of you was next, why don’t you wait your turn?” And she ignored me, because she was a double bitch.
5. People who think they’re better than you because your job requires you to help them. Not too long ago, one of our customers said to me, “What would you know? You’re just a receptionist.” I thought to myself: “I know you’re an asshole. That’s something.”
6. People who “correct” you when they’re actually wrong. “I think you spelled ‘interment’ wrong,” the family said to me. “Really?” I said. “Because I’ve done 50 obituaries this week alone, and you’ve only done one.” (In real life, I said it much nicer, of course.)
7. People who chew gum constantly. I understand that some people are very concerned about their breath, but when you look like a cow gnawing cud at Grandma’s funeral, it’s time to look into breath mints.
8. People who don’t say “thank you” when you hold open the door for them. I always say “You’re welcome” very loudly, and sometimes, they are shamed into saying “thank you.” Other times, I guess they are deaf-mutes.
9. People who play their car stereos so loud you can feel it. Look, I know you’re really proud of your taste in music, but it is causing me physical pain.
10. People who insist on driving under the speed limit until the light’s about to turn red and then they blast through it, leaving you to wait and curse them and their descendents unto their dying days.
Everyone likes your new boyfriend.
“He’s a big improvement over that Egyptian mummy you were dating,” they say.
But what they don’t know is that your boyfriend is actually the assassin known as Lone Wolf and Cub: Ogami Itto. Or is he?
No, he totally is.
Here’s a list that proves it:
1. Your new boyfriend is a samurai — more specifically, he’s actually a ronin.
You know who used to be a samurai but then became a ronin? Ogami Itto! Ogami Itto did that very thing I said!
2. And not only is he a ronin (a.k.a. a masterless samurai, for those of you who aren’t quite as obsessed with Japanese culture as the rest of us), he’s a skilled assassin!
My goodness! Your boyfriend is also a skilled assassin. What a coincidence! Except not, because your boyfriend is probably Ogami Itto!
3. Also, he’s got this cute little kid that tags along everywhere with him.
And he goes by Ogami Daigoro (because in Japan, last names come first), and omigod, he is the cutest little kid ever, but don’t get on his bad side, because, seriously, he’ll cut you.
4. Not only is your new boyfriend a ronin, an assassin and a father, he’s also on the demon’s path of revenge (meifumado, as it’s known to the samurai) to avenge his wife’s murder and the sullying of his family name.
Kind of hard to believe he manages to find the time for dating with all that going on his life, you know?
5. Sometimes he talks about his mortal enemies, the Yagyu, and how it’s a shame they couldn’t have remained noble samurai.
Because he’s a noble samurai, even with all the killing for money.
6. Your biggest competitors for your boyfriend’s love are prostitutes and thieves.
For some reason, those ladies are just crazy for Ogami Itto.
7. When you go out on dates, you’re often targeted for murder by covert forces, such as ninja or other ronin or bounty hunters.
Probably not Boba Fett, though. Unless you’re in some sort of awesome crossover universe, in which case, can I come visit you there?
8. Also, he always brings his sword everywhere with him, because his sword is his samurai soul.
Yup, sounds like Ogami Itto all right.
9. Does he hardly ever get killed, except when his enemies resort to underhanded tactics?
And then he totally does get killed? And then you cry a little bit because it was so sad?
10. And, finally, is your boyfriend about to get ruined by a Hollywood movie?
“But why would Hollywood ruin a classic samurai epic?” you wonder. “What could possibly be in it for them?”
There’s no doubt about it. Your new shoes are haunted. Hell, they couldn’t be more haunted if they tried.
So how did you end up with a pair of haunted shoes?
(Really? You can’t remember? It must be all the possessing of your soul that’s been going on.)
Here’s the story of how you ended up with haunted shoes, told in 10 easy steps, because I’m running out of supernatural beings for teenaged girls to date:
1. We told you not to go to the murder house. But would you listen to us? No. No, you would not. “Don’t go to the murder house,” we said. “What’s that?” you replied. “I wasn’t listening, because I’m too busy going off to the murder house.”
2. “And if you must go to the murder house, don’t buy anything at the estate sale,” we suggested.
But you were all hot to buy something at the murder house, weren’t you? “If I buy something at the murder house estate sale, then I’ll be the owner of something that I bought at the murder house estate sale,” you said, both logically and repetitively.
3. So you went to the murder house estate sale, despite our strenuous objections, and there you began bidding. Really, you wanted to get the murder house steak knife set, which wasn’t actually used in the commission of any murders in the murder house, but still seemed pretty cool and possibly like it might be worth something on e-bay. “Genuine murder house steak knife set,” you considered as a listing.
4. Unfortunately, the bidding went a little beyond your price range, and someone else ended up with the steak knife set as well as the dead-eyed porcelain doll. To tell you the truth, we think you dodged a bullet there. Haunted shoes are bad enough, but those porcelain dolls are instruments of Satan himself.
5. But when the haunted shoes came up, you managed to score them. “What’s a little blood on shoes?” the auctioneer said, while his assistant held up the blood-stained shoes while wearing a thick pair of gloves. “It gives them personality,” the auctioneer encouraged.
6. So when the estate sale was over, you went home with a pair of bloody shoes. “In fact,” you thought to yourself, “there seems to be even more blood on them now than when I first bought them, sort of like that elevator of blood in The Shining.”
7. And that’s when the haunting began. First it was the ghostly rapping and footsteps, and then it was the brief appearance of apparitions standing at the edge of your bed just as you were about to drop off to sleep, and finally it was the possessions.
8. That’s right, I said “Possessions.” We told you and told you: “Don’t wear the blood-stained shoes you bought at the murder house estate sale. Are you crazy?” “But they fit so nicely, and they’re quite stylish,” you said, and slipped them onto your feet, and slipped off into some kind of fugue state.
9. And that’s how you ended up here. “Here?” Yes. In the murder house, gripping a set of steak knives and a dead-eyed porcelain doll. Also, you were moaning something about your eternal slumber being disturbed and how all must pay and something about “this soul now belongs to us.”
10. So, anyway, yes, your shoes are haunted, and, yes, your soul is now in the possession of the spirits that haunt the murder house. But if you manage to get control of your faculties long enough to throw the haunted items out the window to us, we promise we’ll put them up on e-bay in your memory.
Guys, I know it’s hard out there in the dating world, what with all the ladies dating the vampires and werewolves and what-have-you. And what have you got for mythical creatures? Ha! Mermaids, if you’re lucky.
But the good news is: you have found a girl. She seems nice, doesn’t she? But lately, you’ve noticed, she’s acting a bit … well … mutated.
So perhaps you’re dating a mutant?
Let’s find out.
1. Does your special lady friend have the power to read your mind and also turn her body into diamond-like substance, rendering her almost impossible to harm?
That doesn’t seem fair, you know. Maybe if she wasn’t hogging all the superpowers, there’d be more left for the rest of us.
2. Can she walk through walls?
Not in a ghosty way, more like in a telephase-y kind of way?
3. When you kiss, does she absorb your life energy?
Possibly sending you into a coma, depending on said kiss’s intensity?
4. Can she control the elements of nature?
And does she have a kind of stupid name?
5. Does she sometimes get possessed by something called the Phoenix Force and then try to destroy the universe or something?
Also, did she kill you in the third X-Men movie and you immediately rebounded to Superman’s ex-girlfriend?
6. Do people keep asking you why you’re two- and three-timing your girlfriend, and where did all those hot ladies come from anyway, and what do they see in you?
“Guys, she’s a shapeshifter,” you protest, and they roll their eyes?
7. Does she have a band, sometimes roller-skates, likes disco and pretty lights?
And does she have a ridiculously bad superhero name?
8. Speaking of pretty lights, can she create plasma explosions?
Also, did she later lose her mutant powers and get turned into a vampire and … really? Gods, no wonder I don’t read any X-Men series.
9. Is she scarlet and also a witch?
You could do worse.
10. Does she only have one eye and live in the future?
Stop dating her! She and Phillip J. Fry are meant to be together, dammit!
So, to answer your question: Yes, without a doubt, you are absolutely dating a mutant.
What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?
Lately, it’s been hard to find the time to screw around at work, and even harder to convince myself to use the computer at home in the basement, which is 10 degrees colder than the rest of the house. Which is why this Muppets-related madness is so late!
Anyway, ladies? You think you’re dating a muppet, maybe? Let’s find out.
1. You asked your dad about your new boyfriend, and his response was: “Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man … So, to answer your question, I don’t know.”
2. Your boyfriend often sings about being green, and he’s not just talking about his hybrid vehicle. Also, he sings it.
3. You’ve noticed that his movements are often jerky, as if, perhaps, he is being pulled along by strings.
4. Also, your main competition for his affections is livestock.
5. Plus, he seems kind of … felt-y.
6. And he hasn’t got, you know, internal organs and all that stuff.
7. He lives on Sesame Street.
8. Possibly he’s not humanoid, but more like, I don’t know, a talking frog or maybe some sort of hairy red thing that … what the hell is that, anyway?
9. He knows Amy Adams.
10. Seriously. He’s not a mop and he’s not a puppet, so to answer your question …
Lately, you’ve noticed your boyfriend isn’t like the other mythical creatures. He’s more four-legged and neighs and eats hay and stuff.
Maybe my darling Timothy is a unicorn, you think, as you sit beside him at the drive-in theater, holding his hoof.
But how can you be sure?
By using this handy-dandy checklist is how you can be sure! So let’s get to it.
1. Does he have a horn?
We’re not talking trumpets or cutesy little nicknames for his … well, you know. We’re talking a horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead.
2. Also, does he mostly look like a horse, except for that horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead?
Although some people claim that unicorns look more like goats.
3. Are you a virgin?
Now don’t go blaming me for this. It’s just flat out well-known that this is a preference for unicorns. Unless, I suppose, you’re dating one that goes more for pureness of heart than for pureness of the lady bits.
4. Does his horn (that we previously ascertained is an actual horn, not a trumpet and not a nickname like “Mr. Wiggles”) have magical properties?
Again, this horn is not in his pants.
5. When you go on dates, are you often refused entry as the clerk/shop owner/bartender points to the sign “No Pets Allowed”?
“He’s not a pet, he’s my boyfriend!” you might proclaim.
6. Does that lady who married a dolphin laugh at your taste in men?
And she married one of the bastards of the sea!
7. Does Tim Curry keep pestering you two, wanting to rid the world of all goodness or something?
Oh, please, did you seriously think you were getting out of this thing without at least one Legend reference?
8. When you talk about riding your boyfriend, you’re not actually talking about sex?
“Thanks to my darling Timothy, I always make it to school on time!”
9. Just for clarification: Horn. Middle of forehead. Not in pants.
Seriously, girls, just because your boyfriend says he has a horn doesn’t mean he’s a unicorn. It means he’s a teenage boy.
10. When you’re served poison, does he dip his horn into it to neutralize its properties?
Apparently, unicorn horns can do that. Not teenage boys though, because what teenage boy in his right mind would go about dipping his tender bits in poison?
Well, there you go, ladies. You’re dating a unicorn.