So you think you’re dating a (lady) mutant: A modern teen’s guide

February 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm (Top Ten) (, )

Guys, I know it’s hard out there in the dating world, what with all the ladies dating the vampires and werewolves and what-have-you. And what have you got for mythical creatures? Ha! Mermaids, if you’re lucky.

But the good news is: you have found a girl. She seems nice, doesn’t she? But lately, you’ve noticed, she’s acting a bit … well … mutated.

So perhaps you’re dating a mutant?

Let’s find out.

1. Does your special lady friend have the power to read your mind and also turn her body into diamond-like substance, rendering her almost impossible to harm?

That doesn’t seem fair, you know. Maybe if she wasn’t hogging all the superpowers, there’d be more left for the rest of us.

Also, maybe she could try layering?

2. Can she walk through walls?

Not in a ghosty way, more like in a telephase-y kind of way?

They're similar, except she's not dead. And if she is, she does live in the Marvel universe, so she'll get over it.

3. When you kiss, does she absorb your life energy?

Possibly sending you into a coma, depending on said kiss’s intensity?

Well, don't worry. She's going to start bleaching her hair and dating vampires, anyway.

4. Can she control the elements of nature?

And does she have a kind of stupid name?

I'm sorry, but Ororo Munroe? Really? No wonder she goes by Storm.

5. Does she sometimes get possessed by something called the Phoenix Force and then try to destroy the universe or something?

Also, did she kill you in the third X-Men movie and you immediately rebounded to Superman’s ex-girlfriend?

Maybe you should try dating a nice girl for once.

6. Do people keep asking you why you’re two- and three-timing your girlfriend, and where did all those hot ladies come from anyway, and what do they see in you?

“Guys, she’s a shapeshifter,” you protest, and they roll their eyes?

"All kidding aside, guys, I'm actually dating Rebecca Romijn."

7. Does she have a band, sometimes roller-skates, likes disco and pretty lights?

And does she have a ridiculously bad superhero name?

Jumpsuits and roller skates seem like a bad combination when it's time to go potty.

8. Speaking of pretty lights, can she create plasma explosions?

Also, did she later lose her mutant powers and get turned into a vampire and … really? Gods, no wonder I don’t read any X-Men series.

I suppose this way, when they bring her back from the dead (because they will; they always do), they can say, "Well, it's because she was a vampire! But she got better. Also, her mutant powers are back."

9. Is she scarlet and also a witch?

You could do worse.

Seriously. It's hard to find nice girls who look that good in red leather and can alter reality.

10. Does she only have one eye and live in the future?

Stop dating her! She and Phillip J. Fry are meant to be together, dammit!

Stop that. Fry likes girls who cosplay as Slave Leia too.

So, to answer your question: Yes, without a doubt, you are absolutely dating a mutant.

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So you think you’re dating Wolverine: A modern teen’s guide

January 11, 2012 at 12:32 pm (Top Ten) (, , , )

What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.

But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?

By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.

1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?

But not too short and hairy.

If he's THIS short and hairy, then you're dating A wolverine, not Wolverine.

2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?

Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?

And what's wrong with those guys?

3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?

Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?

Oh, and she almost destroyed the universe or something?

4.  Does he suffer from amnesia?

Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?

If it's anterograde amnesia, then you're probably dating this guy.

5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?

“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”

"I could just use a little privacy right now, OK?"

6. Does he have a mutant healing power?

Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?

There's only one thing more awesome than Elijah Snow, and we already know that's Sherlock Holmes.

7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?

“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”

"Look, can't I just promise not to murder anybody and you'll let me get on the plane?"

8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?

Wolverine dated Storm, right?

Or hooked up with her that one time when they both got really drunk?

9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?

Everybody loves Wolverine.

He's the best at what he does, and what he does is sell comic books.

10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?

Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?

Seriously, though, it's a tragic weakness.

If all these things and more are true, then you’re probably dating Wolverine. Or the guy from Memento. Whichever.

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So you think you’re dating a Muppet: A Modern Teen’s Guide

December 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm (Top Ten) (, )

Lately, it’s been hard to find the time to screw around at work, and even harder to convince myself to use the computer at home in the basement, which is 10 degrees colder than the rest of the house. Which is why this Muppets-related madness is so late!

Anyway, ladies? You think you’re dating a muppet, maybe? Let’s find out.

1. You asked your dad about your new boyfriend, and his response was: “Well, it’s not quite a mop, not quite a puppet, but man … So, to answer your question, I don’t know.”

In this scenario, you're actually Bart Simpson.

2. Your boyfriend often sings about being green, and he’s not just talking about his hybrid vehicle. Also, he sings it.

Tell your boyfriend to put on some pants.

3. You’ve noticed that his movements are often jerky, as if, perhaps, he is being pulled along by strings.

4. Also, your main competition for his affections is livestock.



Or eggs?

5. Plus, he seems kind of … felt-y.

6. And he hasn’t got, you know, internal organs and all that stuff.

7. He lives on Sesame Street.

That neighborhood is a hotbed of Muppet mayhem, I tell you.

8. Possibly he’s not humanoid, but more like, I don’t know, a talking frog or maybe some sort of hairy red thing that … what the hell is that, anyway?

No, seriously, what the hell is that?

9. He knows Amy Adams.

See if he'll get her autograph for me.

10. Seriously. He’s not a mop and he’s not a puppet, so to answer your question …

... You're dating a Muppet.

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So you think you’re dating a unicorn: A modern teen’s guide

November 16, 2011 at 11:20 am (Top Ten) (, , , )

Lately, you’ve noticed your boyfriend isn’t like the other mythical creatures. He’s more four-legged and neighs and eats hay and stuff.

Maybe my darling Timothy is a unicorn, you think, as you sit beside him at the drive-in theater, holding his hoof.

Also, in this scenario, you are Robocop.

But how can you be sure?

By using this handy-dandy checklist is how you can be sure! So let’s get to it.

1. Does he have a horn?

We’re not talking trumpets or cutesy little nicknames for his … well, you know. We’re talking a horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead.

Hold on just a minute while I GAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

2. Also, does he mostly look like a horse, except for that horn smack dab in the middle of his forehead?

Although some people claim that unicorns look more like goats.

And in China, they look more like this poor, confused bastard.

3. Are you a virgin?

Now don’t go blaming me for this. It’s just flat out well-known that this is a preference for unicorns. Unless, I suppose, you’re dating one that goes more for pureness of heart than for pureness of the lady bits.

"Yup, those are some pure lady bits, all right."

4. Does his horn (that we previously ascertained is an actual horn, not a trumpet and not a nickname like “Mr. Wiggles”) have magical properties?

Again, this horn is not in his pants.

5. When you go on dates, are you often refused entry as the clerk/shop owner/bartender points to the sign “No Pets Allowed”?

“He’s not a pet, he’s my boyfriend!” you might proclaim.

"That's sick," will be the inevitable reply.

6. Does that lady who married a dolphin laugh at your taste in men?

And she married one of the bastards of the sea!

Eh, he probably ripped off her face in one of the pictures we DON'T see.

7. Does Tim Curry keep pestering you two, wanting to rid the world of all goodness or something?

Oh, please, did you seriously think you were getting out of this thing without at least one Legend reference?

Tim Curry: a demon god among men.

8. When you talk about riding your boyfriend, you’re not actually talking about sex?

“Thanks to my darling Timothy, I always make it to school on time!”

9. Just for clarification: Horn. Middle of forehead. Not in pants.

Seriously, girls, just because your boyfriend says he has a horn doesn’t mean he’s a unicorn. It means he’s a teenage boy.

Or a narwhal.

10. When you’re served poison, does he dip his horn into it to neutralize its properties?

Apparently, unicorn horns can do that. Not teenage boys though, because what teenage boy in his right mind would go about dipping his tender bits in poison?

"Thank heavens for your boyfriend's magical horn! We all could have died if we had continued to drink that poison!"

 Well, there you go, ladies. You’re dating a unicorn.

And you're Darth Vader.

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So you think you’re dating an X-Files monster: A modern teen’s guide

October 31, 2011 at 2:02 pm (Top Ten) ()

So you’re a teenager and you suspect that you might be dating a monster from an episode of the X-Files. First off, I would like to congratulate you on your excellent — and retro! — taste in television. Secondly, I would like to assure you that you most certainly are dating an X-Files monster. The only thing is it’s hard to be sure which one. There were so many, after all, and in later seasons, they started getting repetitive. Also, I quit watching, so there will be no monsters from the Mulder-less episodes. In case you were wondering.

Anyway, here’s your handy Halloween ten-point guide to which X-Files Monster are you dating:

1. Might it be the Flukeman?

Ugh, you had better hope it’s not the Flukeman. But if you’re not sure, ask yourself these questions: Does my boyfriend look like a giant tapeworm? Does he live in the sewers? If the answer to either of these questions is “yes,” I would say you’re better off without him, especially if you had an affirmative response to the first question, because who dates a guy who looks like a giant tapeworm?

Uh-uh. Look, no, I’m sorry. No pictures of flukeworms, flukemen or other nasty things on my blog. Instead, we shall gaze upon the beauty that is Mulder and Scully. Gaze, I say!

2. Maybe it’s Eugene Tooms, perhaps.

Oh, my, I should hope not. (Yes, I’m afraid that “hoping not” is how most of these entries are going to start out.) Sure, Eugene Tooms has the mutant ability of stretching random parts of his body like some kind of crazed Mr. Fantastic (OK, more crazed), but he mostly uses that ability to get into rooms and eat people’s livers. Which was probably not the first thought that entered your mind when I said that thing about “mutant stretching ability.” And I want you to know that’s all right.

He’s thinking it too.

3. It could be Lanny. Or Leonard.

You should hope not, right? Lanny and Leonard are conjoined twins in that really great episode that Darrin Morgan wrote: “Humbug.” Think Total Recall, and you’ve got the idea. (What? Yes, all my references are at least a couple of decades old. What of it?) Anyway, if dating mutated conjoined twins wasn’t horrific enough for you, the smaller one can detach from his brother and goes on a murderous rampage. It’s not like he’s killing people on purpose, since he’s only trying to find a better host to conjoin with, but he’s no less fatal.

Except to tattooed geeks, who find him quite tasty.

4. “Virgil Incanto might be my boyfriend,” you say.

Yes, you had best hope you’re not seeing Virgil Incanto, also known as the “fat-sucking vampire.” Really, I think that’s all that needs to be said.

In Amy Adam’s past is a role as a fat-sucking vampire on Smallville. That’s just sad.

5. Or maybe it’s Robert Patrick Modell.

Also known as “Pusher.” Not for his penchant of pushing people after waiting in line for a while, but for his psychic ability to control their minds. You know, like Firestarter’s dad or Jesse Custer. (Whoo! Check out the dated references on those guys!) Anyway, you should certainly hope you’re not dating “Pusher,” because how would you even know?

“What? No, baby, I didn’t hypnotize you into thinking I’m not a smarmy bastard. Now get me some coffee.”

6. Possibly it’s Leonard Morris Betts.

It’s Cancer Man! No, the other one! This gentleman monster, like many a movie monster before him, cannot be killed. Unlike many a movie monster before him, it’s because he’s one giant ball of cancer. Also, he has to eat cancer. Also, he does get killed by Scully, so there’s that.

Dammit, Google, I said “not that one.”

7. Edward H. “Eddie” Van Blundt Jr. could be the one!

Of all the X-Files monsters you could be dating, this fellow is the most likely, because he can mutate himself to look like anyone, although usually Darin Morgan. But possibly anyone.

If you’re a fan of the four X-Files episodes Darin Morgan wrote, then that’s a bonus for you!

8. “The Great Mutato” would be an awful name for my boyfriend to have, you think.

A veritable Frankenstein’s monster, which is what this post would’ve been about if I could’ve thought of more than two questions (maybe some other time, faithful readers. Maybe some other time), the Great Mutato lives in a small town and is pretty hideous. Also, he likes Cher. *shudder* Oh, and your dates would consist of him drugging you and having his way with you while you’re unconcious. Fun times!

Also, he was a character in a comic book on the show. Yeah, it was one of THOSE episodes.

9. You could be dating the Invisible Men!

Does it seem like your boyfriend never shows up for your dates? Do your friends complain about the creepy pair of floating red eyes that always seem to accompany you? Then you could be dating one of the invisible men that for some reason had something to do with the Fountain of Youth, because that episode was really stretching there.

Thus began the downward spiral.

10. Or maybe it’s Wayne Weinsider.

Well, this one doesn’t seem so bad, because Wayne Weinsider is really Bruce Campbell. Also a demon. Who just really wants to have a normal human baby, dammit. Awwww, he seems sweet.

I know. I always thought I should’ve liked that episode more than I did, too.

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You’re probably not dating a vampire: A modern teen’s guide

October 25, 2011 at 11:55 am (Top Ten) ()

Nowadays, it seems like all the cool kids are dating vampires. (Well, them and that Bella chick, anyway.) And you don’t want to be left out! You’re pretty sure your boyfriend is a vampire … probably.

Well, you’re wrong.

Here’s how you know for certain.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way right off the bat: Your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight.

If your boyfriend sparkles in the sunlight, you’re not dating a vampire. You’re dating a unicorn.

Insert dirty "horn" joke here.

2. Your boyfriend has never killed you to drink your blood.

That’s good news for you, I guess, but bad news for the likelihood of your boyfriend being a vampire.

3. Your boyfriend wears a lot of black and dark eye makeup.

Eh, he’s probably just a goth kid or perhaps in a visual-kei band.

If he's prettier than you are, he's definitely in the band.

4. But he’s so pale and he looks kind of like Dracula!

Does he pee red? If he pees red, he suffers from porphyria. (No, it’s not from all the blood.)

Oh, God, porphyria looks HORRIBLE.

5. He can get into buildings uninvited.

Hardly any supernatural creatures can get into human dwellings uninvited, which is nice. Aliens probably can, though.

Because who's going to invite aliens in for a fun night of probing, right?

6. He’s not actually, you know, dead.

Techinically, vampires are undead, but you do have to die first and then come back to be a vampire. Kind of like those people in all the “I saw a White Light” specials!

7. He enjoys Italian and Chinese food.

Whoa there with the garlic, buddy! I thought you were a vampire!

I like garlic. On an unrelated note, I don't date much.

8. C’mon, list! He says he’s a vampire!

You know who doesn’t claim to be vampires? Vampires. They don’t want to get staked.

Well, and who does, really? That thing looks sharp.

9. He does like sleeping in a coffin.

I already told you: Goth.

10. He doesn’t have the distinctive odor of … eh, let’s describe it as “horrible, rotting flesh” … about him.

I know, I know. Your boyfriend doesn’t smell, you know, great, but he is a teenage boy. And I’m sorry, teenage boys, but there are some of you who desperately, desperately need to meet our friends “soap” and “deodorant.”

Yes, that's right: All this to lead up to a joke about gamers.

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So you think you’re dating Sherlock Holmes: A modern teen’s guide

October 11, 2011 at 11:05 am (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

So, lately, you’ve been dating this guy. You know he’s not a robot or an Egyptian mummy, but there’s something a little different about him. You know who’s a little different? Sherlock Holmes! Sherlock Holmes is a little different! Perhaps you’re dating him!

What? No, I didn't come up with the idea for this post simply as an excuse to find more images of Benedict Cumberbatch. Why would you think such a thing?

Let’s find out by using this handy 10-step guide!

1. Is your boyfriend a genius? If your boyfriend is a genius, sure that’s great and all, but there’s plenty of geniuses who aren’t Sherlock Holmes.

Why, here's one now! Hello, Tesla!

2. Is your boyfriend a detective? Now if your boyfriend is not only a genius but also the world’s only consulting detective, things are looking brighter.

Well, they're not looking brighter for the dead lady, but at least her murder will be avenged.

3. Is his best friend a doctor? And is that doctor named “John Watson”? If he’s not named “John Watson,” then you’re definitely not dating Sherlock Holmes, because Holmes only has one friend and that one friend is Dr. John Watson.

And I for sure don't say it often enough, but Martin Freeman is brilliant as Watson and I love him very much for it.

4. Did your boyfriend used to do a lot of cocaine? And did he only stop doing all that cocaine when his best friend Dr. John Watson convinced him it was an unhealthy habit?

5. Does he say things like “it’s a three-pipe problem” or, if you’re dating the modern Sherlock, “a three-patch problem”? Today’s modern Sherlock Holmes is trying to quit smoking. Good on him!

Although he does look pretty cool with that pipe.

6. Do people describe themselves as his “archenemy”? Really, it would be only one of two people, because no one else can match up to Holmes: Either the evil genius Moriarty or the evil genius Mycroft Holmes. I’m not actually sure how evil Mycroft Holmes is, but he works for the government, so pretty evil, right?

Sure, Moriarty's a mass-murdering serial bomber, but he's no POLITICIAN, am I right?

7. Does he live for the high of solving crimes? The weirder the better?

8. Are you Irene Adler? It wouldn’t matter if you were. He never dated her, anyway.

I cannot say it enough, people, but they met for approximately TWO MINUTES and then she got married to someone else about five minutes later THEY WERE NEVER IN LOVE, CHRIST!

9. Does he live at 221B Baker Street? Can you steal me a piece of wallpaper and see if he’ll autograph it?

And don't forget to tell him I love him!

10. Does he not know or care that the earth revolves around the sun? “If we went around the moon or round and round the garden like a teddy bear, it wouldn’t make any difference!” he might say.

And then he'd play the violin in an annoying manner because Shut up, you!, that's why.

If you have answered yes to most or all of these questions, then whatever. You’re still not dating Sherlock Holmes because he doesn’t date.

In conclusion, go to hell, Guy Ritchie.

Mr. Ritchie, there are just SO MANY THINGS wrong with your Sherlock Holmes that I can't even begin to punch you in the throat often, or hard, enough.

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So you think you’re dating a robot: A modern teen’s guide

September 26, 2011 at 1:42 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , )

All right, so you’re not dating a werewolf or a vampire or any of those things. But something seems a little bit off about your new boyfriend and you just can’t quite put your finger on it.

Well, maybe he’s a robot!

Here’s a list of 10 ways to be sure, possibly.

1. Does he want to destroy humanity?

It’s true that a lot of robots want to destroy humanity, except for the wussy Asimov ones, but you could just as easily be dating Magneto.

"Hey, Baby, wanna kill all humans?"

2. Does he come from the future?

Some robots come from the future.

Everything is pimpin' in the future. ESPECIALLY the robots.

3. When you prick him, does he not bleed?

I just really wanted to get that one in there.

Shakespeare reference alert! Shakespeare reference alert!

4. Can he do things that normal, non-robotic human beings can’t do?

Like enjoy a life as a mechanical man?

Or send you into convulsions of pants-wetting terror at the mere sight of him?

5. Can he transform into an automobile, jet or possibly a (*snicker*) cassette deck?

Transformers are robots, aren’t they?

I mean, they LOOK like robots, but you know the old saying: "There's more than meets the eye."

6. Does he sometimes call your family “those puny humans”?

And then he crushes your brother’s car with his bare fist?

Or his bare pincers, I guess.

7. Do his funeral pre-arrangements consist of “downloading into a new body”?


8. Can he time travel?

Some robots can time travel.

AND kill everything in their paths.

9. Does he go for long periods of time without eating, drinking or breathing, say, like, the entire time you’ve known him?

This is a good hint that your boyfriend doesn’t need to do any of those things and, thus, is a robot.

Also, he looks like this, which should really have clued you in in the first place.

10. Last, but not least: Is your boyfriend constantly looking for loopholes in Asimov’s laws so he can do something about his pesky neighbors?

Seriously, honey, if he was a regular human being, he’d’ve already shot them for letting their dog poop on his lawn for the 12th time this week.


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So you think you’re dating a ghost: A modern teen’s guide

August 29, 2011 at 7:57 pm (Top Ten) ()

With all the undead roaming about lately (See: Diaries, Vampire; Twilight; etc. for more details), it’s hard to tell exactly which class of the no longer living your boyfriend is of. Well, never fear (unless he’s the kind that wants to kill you, I guess. Then you should fear.)! For I am here to educate you.

This week’s lesson: Are you dating a ghost? In the form of a Top Ten list!

(You’re welcome.)

1. Is your boyfriend dead? First off, I would like to say that I’m so sorry for your loss. Secondly, I would like to add that today I learned the difference between caskets and coffins.

I'm sure all you goth kids already knew, but coffins are shaped like this. Caskets are more rectangular. My day was fun.

2. Oh, you say your boyfriend is dead, but you’re still dating? Well, that’s great news! Or kind of great. Or, you know, okay news. Anyway, if you’re dating a dead man, you’re well on the path to knowing for sure if you’re dating a ghost. Or not.

3. Is your boyfriend corporeal? If your boyfriend doesn’t get all Kitty Pryde-intangible on occasion, but he is dead, then you’re not dating a ghost. That guy’s probably a vampire or a zombie, and we’ve been over that before. I mean, sure, I guess I could beat a dead horse, but only if I think of some new jokes.

This image was too adorable not to use. Dead horse!

4. Moving right along, if your boyfriend is both dead and incorporeal, does he tend to only hang out at one … “haunt,” shall we say? Do you see what I did there? I did the thing where I use one meaning of the word as a terribly lame pun for … probably a pretty similar meaning of the word, actually. Anyhoo! If your boyfriend spends all his time in one place, especially an eerie mansion of some sort that most people would describe as “haunted” or the scene of his murder or something like that, then chances are, he’s a ghost.

"Just once, I'd like to go to the movies, Jim!"

5. Does your boyfriend only appear in photos as a blurry, vaguely human shape? I’ve heard ghosts do that. Also scratches on camera lenses.

I like how this photo is like: "Look, I know you're a bit stupid, so I'm going to first CIRCLE the ghostly image and THEN draw a red arrow pointing to it."

6. Does he say things like: “I’m tethered to this world until such and such wrong can be righted?” (We’re assuming he described the wrong rather than saying “such and such,” because that’s just silly.) Signs are strong you’re dating a ghost.

Or that you're starring in the movie Ghost!

7. Are people always trying to exorcise him? People do that to demons too. Well, exorcists do.

So to set things straight, when it comes to ghosts and demons, exorcists exorcise and people float and puke green soup.

8. Is his idea of dressing up limited to tossing a sheet over his head with some eye-holes cut in it for good measure? Because that’s totally what ghosts look like.

Hey, cut him a break. Obviously, his parents never loved him.

9. Are you the only one who can see your boyfriend? This isn’t some jealousy thing we’re talking about here. This is actual seeing. Visually. With your eyes.

10. I hate to bring this up because I know you’re sensitive about it, but just to be sure: He’s actually dead, right? It’s him, right, and not you? Because it could be you. That happens sometimes. Like you think you’re not dead, but then it turns out you are and you’re a ghost? I’m just saying, is all.

Anyway, we’ve finished our ten-step program to make sure you’re dating a ghost (and not that you are a ghost; you should really check into that. Are you missing any chunks of time? Are people ignoring you (more than usual)?). I’m sure this has cleared things up for you.

Aw, jeez, and I completely forgot to mention that if he rides a motorcycle and his head is on fire, he's not a ghost, he's GHOST RIDER.

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Reasons I don’t care about the impending DC reboot

August 23, 2011 at 7:16 pm (Top Ten) (, , )

It’s a Top Ten list! I know you’ve missed them.

I don’t care about the impending DC reboot because …

1. It’s been a long time since all the good writers left DC for Marvel. Some of them came back eventually, sure, but — eh — I’m reading Morning Glories now.

I feel like a lazy reviewer for saying this, but it's totally Breakfast Club meets Lost.

2. After being unemployed most of the summer, there’s only so many comic books I can justify as a monthly expense. There’s … Chew and Morning Glories.

Yes, just the two.

3. It’s a simple matter of shelf space. If I’m getting all these new DC comics, where will I keep Morning Glories?

"Storage" is the wrong answer to that question. Also, it was rhetorical. Shut up.

4. Yeah, Superman’s new costume is silly.

Yeah, you know who wears jeans and Superman tee-shirt? My ex-boyfriend wears jeans and a Superman tee-shirt. I mean, if they'll let him while he's in jail.

5. Even if it doesn’t suck, it couldn’t possibly be as good as they’d like us to believe.

Unless they really did manage to get Lego Alan Moore to do the writing.

6. Now that I’m working again, I don’t have as much lesiure time as I did this summer, and I’d really rather use it re-reading Morning Glories for clues.

What's better than two hot Japanese twins in a comic book? The correct answer is "two hot Japanese twins in a live-action television series." Get cracking, TV.

7. I still don’t care which one is Green Arrow and which is Green Lantern.

I tried to care, for Ryan Reynolds' sake, but I guess I just didn't try hard enough.

8. I want to annoy all those guys that come into the comic book store asking me if I’m as excited as they are.

Short answer: No. Slightly longer answer: Sod off.

9. Besides, when they eventually reboot the reboot, who’s going to give me back those years (months?) of my life?

10. I’d just like this opportunity to recommend Morning Glories to you. Really. It’s quite good.

Also, I can totally relate to Hunter and the way he never gets the girl of his dreams. And has some sort of weird clock-related superpower.

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