It was only inevitable, I guess: a child actor’s decline
Huzzah! It’s only two weeks till Christmas! Except for my readers who don’t celebrate Christmas, in which case: Huzzah! It’s only two weeks until Dec. 25!
And to celebrate the 25th of December, I have for you a holiday-themed Whatever happened to…?, featuring the grown-up exploits of Young Flick from A Christmas Story.
The best Christmas movie ever that hasn’t got any Muppets in it.
Like Whatever happened to…? alum Zack Ward before him … I actually can’t think of a good way to end this sentence because I mostly just wanted an excuse to link back to that post. So read it, and enjoy the nostalgia!
Anyway, Scott “Scottie” Schwartz is the actor who played Flick. So what’s he been up to since his days as the adorable Flick with the goggles and the getting his tongue stuck to metal poles? What’s he been doing since he was such a sweet, innocent, even adorable young boy?
Yes, what CAN it be?
…
Fine, it’s porn.
But before we get into that, let’s learn more about how Scott Schwartz got into acting in the first place.
Born in 1968, Scotty Schwartz leapt to stardom with a role on some television show called Nurse in 1981. OK, he didn’t really leap to stardom at that point, but it did nudge him in that direction, as his next role was in 1982′s The Toy, a biting modern-day criticism of slavery. Or maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Anyway, it’s the one where the kid actually buys Richard Pryor.
True story: As a child, I didn’t realize racism was a thing.
Which led to A Christmas Story!
The rest of the ’80s were padded out by roles as “That Funny Fat Kid” on Young People’s Specials, which sounds just educational and awful, but could be a children’s sketch comedy show; a role on something called Kidco; actual Afterschool Specials; a TV movie called A Time to Live, which, as you might suspect from the title, is about a child suffering from a terrible illness; Raiders of the Living Dead, which tried to trick people by sounding like it might be Raiders of the Lost Ark, but probably didn’t work; and some other stuff, because I’m tired of listing things.
Now, on to the porn!
Bomp-chicka-Wow-WOW!
With roles in such magnificently-titled pieces of work as Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure, Cafe Flesh 2 and The Wrong Snatch (wait, REALLY?) and also Booby Trap, because The Wrong Snatch isn’t silly enough, our 5’2″ friend even worked as an agent for other porn stars. But by the year 2000, the porn industry had lost its luster, and Scotty Schwartz retired to help manage his father’s sports/movie memorabilia store.
What else do you need to know about Scotty Schwartz? Well, since 2006, he’s been trying to get back into mainstream acting, but the only role listed on his IMDb page since then is as “bartender” in a 2009 film, so I’d hazard a guess that it’s not going as well as he hoped. He also works for some sports card magazine, which is all the information you’re getting about that, because *yawn* sports cards. Also, after Corey Haim’s death, he was the one to list the former star’s belongings on ebay at the Haim family’s request, which reminds me that Corey Haim died. Which is really weird, because Corey Feldman is still alive, and I’d've bet good money on him being the first Corey to go.
Oh, come on. You were thinking it too.
So there you have it. Merry 11th of December, everybody.
… I can’t think of a good porn/Christmas joke.
Robert Rodriguez: a Retrospective (because alliteration, that’s why)
So this “Whatever happened to …?” is less a “Seriously, where did that guy go” and more a “what happened to lead that guy to making the life decisions he did?”
Like wearing this outfit.
In public, even.
Take, for example, Robert Rodriguez. Robert Rodriguez debuted with the brilliant indie flick El Mariachi, which is a movie about a mariachi player and some stuff happens and so many people get shot (it’s been a while since I’ve seen it). This was the movie that was so good I insisted my friend and I rent the only copy in town from the video rental store, because I am so old that I remember when video rental stores were a thing. Also, I’m so old that I can’t remember which friend this was, but I’m sure Matt or Natalie or Jon loved the movie as much as I did.
How could they not? It was about a mariachi, and so many people got shot!
But enough about El Mariachi. Let’s talk about Robert Rodriguez. The man. The director.
The Institution.
He was born in Texas and became interested in movie-making after his father purchased the family a VCR. Coincidentally, after my father purchased our family a VCR, I became interested in movie-watching. Reading further along in Robert Rodriguez’s wikiography, I see that his VCR came with a camera. I didn’t know they did that.
Anyway, he filmed his high school’s football games, getting canned for being all artsy-fartsy about it. After that, he went on to The University of Texas, where, apparently, his grades weren’t good enough for the school’s film program, so he wrote a cartoon for the student newspaper instead. (My college’s school newspaper sucked, as an aside.)
Then, good things finally happened for Rodriguez. Or one good thing, and then some other stuff happened. His short film, “Bedhead,” won a local film contest, gaining him entry into the university’s film program and paving the way for El Mariachi.
Mariachi. So many people shot.
Awesome.
After El Mariachi, Rodriguez decided to make El Mariachi again. Because this was in the ’90s and people didn’t like reading subtitles, he made it in English, starring Antonio Banderas and Salma Hayek, and called it Desperado. Possibly it was a sequel, though.
Later, and most awesomely of all, Rodriguez went on to direct the second, superior half of From Dusk Till Dawn, because it was the part with vampires and the disco ball and the guy with the crotch gun. I could watch the second half of From Dusk Till Dawn for days, you guys. The first half is any old Tarantino film that you’ve already seen, except George Clooney is pretty hot, so … no, I still recommend skipping right to the second half. They’re criminals on the run in Mexico. That’s all you need to know.
See? Hot.
Moving right along, Rodriguez had his first Hollywood hit in 2001: Spy Kids. This was the beginning of the end, because he has made four Spy Kids movies, and I swear they get progressively stupider. Kids like ‘em, though, which is probably what he’s going for. Speaking of terrible children’s movies, he also made Shark Boy and Lava Girl, which sounds cool, but stars a young Tyler (or Taylor?) Lautner, thus making it Rodriguez who shoulders the blame for introducing the future Twilight werewolf to film-going audiences.
Thanks, Rodriguez.
So why the terrible children’s movies, Rodriguez?
Well, apparently, he really likes kids. And kids like terrible things.
Damn kids.
And he did make Machete, so I guess I can forgive him. Especially if Sin City 2 is any good.
Also because this photo is great.
Speaking of Aliens …
… which I can assure you, we were doing, because what else would we be talking about?, what became of Jenette Goldstein, the kickass chick who played Pvt. Vasquez?
But, because her name wasn’t “Ellen Ripley,” she still died.
I remember, as a child, waiting for my mother to get her hair done (she gets regular perms, because her hair just has no body!), and reading an article about Jenette Goldstein and her role in Aliens (apparently, the magazine couldn’t get a hold of Sigourney Weaver), and then I never heard of her again, and, in fact, didn’t remember her name until I googled Aliens and found her in the cast list. I’m not sure that counts as “remembering,” but whatever.
Anyway, what’s Ms. Goldstein been up to? Could she still bench press a Chevy?
Well, to begin with, Wikipedia tells us that Jenette Goldstein is Jewish, which maybe Pvt. Vasquez was supposed to be, I guess, and also that she owns a store that specializes in large-size bras. I assume this is because she has large-size breasts herself, because I can tell you the last kind of store I would bother to open would be one that specializes in products I could never use.
What I’m saying here is they would laugh me right out of that store, and send me to Sigourney Weaver’s lingerie store across the street.
So those are two things that now we know about Jenette Goldstein.
Also, a thing we know now is that Pvt. Vasquez was her first role, the character’s name was also Jenette, probably so James Cameron wouldn’t have to remember two whole names, and that she earned a Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actress for the role. That seemed odd to me, but it looks like the Saturns like movies that probably shouldn’t be getting any awards at all, so let’s just go with it.
And then, Jenette Goldstein didn’t disappear off the face of the earth like I kind of thought she did (like maybe Aliens was actually a documentary, and she totally died in that explosion), she just grew her hair out.
Since her stint in Aliens, she’s kept busy, appearing in episodes of Max Headroom (really!) and MacGyver in 1991 (really?), as well as Terminator 2 (now that I’ve seen her with long hair, I totally realize that she’s the foster mom! Guh!) and Titanic as Irish Mommy. It seriously credits her as Irish Mommy. Seriously.
But she just looks so different with long hair, you know?
She’s also had roles on Six Feet Under (which, no, I’ve never watched, despite working in obituaries and at a funeral home. For some reason, I just really don’t want to watch a show about funeral services), ER and Alias, and also Strong Medicine as “Unnamed Friend.” Her characters really have the best names. Or non-names. Or whatever.
Oh, and she was on one of the Star Treks, too, but it’s hard to keep track of them all.
In 2010, she was last seen on Medium, and probably sold her costar Jennifer Love-Hewitt a bra.
Possibly this one!
Her most recent project is something called Living the Dream, which is slated for a 2013 release, and which I don’t care enough about to find out what it is.
Also, she’s been doing a lot of theater work, including a one-woman show that she is writing herself and … I’ve got nothing else here. Really.
Ummmm …
She seems nice?
It’s a nice day for a Billy Idol post
So the other night I went on a bit of a Billy Idol kick, listening White Wedding, Rebel Yell, Eyes Without a Face and even Cradle of Love, and then I thought: “Huh, whatever happened to that guy, anyway? Also, does he still sneer, like, all the time?”
“Yes.”
So I decided to do a little research today, otherwise known as typing the words “Billy” and “Idol” into Google and reading the stuff that came up. Sherlock Holmes would be so proud of me.
Because I say he would, that’s why.
Anyway, I learned many things about Billy Idol, like that he totally isn’t dead, which kind of surprised me, and that his real name isn’t Billy Idol, which kind of didn’t surprise me at all.
Billy Idol was born on Nov. 30, 1955, as William Michael Albert Broad, a more British name you couldn’t possibly find anywhere. I mean, there’s at least two princes thrown in that name and possibly a third, but I don’t pay much attention to the monarchy, so who knows? (Other people, that’s who.) Apparently, he came up with the moniker “Idol” after a teacher described him as “idle,” which sounds a bit like bullshit to me, because they have two completely different meanings and it seems like he would know the one is closer to “superstar” than “gadabout.” Also, I just used the word “gadabout.”
… I guess it doesn’t mean what I think it means.
At age 2, Idol moved with his family to New York, but after four years, they moved back to England, probably because American kids mercilessly bullied a boy named “William Michael Albert.” Back in England, Idol attended the Ravensbourne School for Boys, which sounds like it has got to be covered in ivy and possibly the blood of whipped English boys. After finishing up at the School for Boys, Idol went on to major in English at the University of Sussex, but dropped out after a year to pursue his true calling: Stalking the Sex Pistols.
Note to Sex Pistols’ fans currently writing their memoirs: Yes, you can steal that for your title.
In 1976, Idol joined Siouxsie and the Banshees, which wasn’t called that at the time, but Wikipedia didn’t seem to know what it was called, so that’s as good as you’re going to get. Unless you’re friends with Siouxsie Sioux; then she can tell you. So apparently, Idol had some musical experience by that point or, possibly, like many of my friends who started punk bands in their late teens, a guitar from a pawn shop. Idol didn’t last long in the band with no name, and went on to join Chelsea (a band I have actually not heard of before) in 1977. Shortly thereafter, Idol and a bandmate left that band and started Generation X, beating out Douglas Copeland by several years.
Pictured here: Not a book about Billy Idol.
As far as I know.
I mean, I read it, but that was ages ago. Also, I didn’t really like it, anyway.
Generation X released three albums, which is three more than I knew existed, before disbanding, and Idol embarked on his solo career. By this point, he had moved back to New York, because schoolchildren don’t make fun of a guy named Billy Idol (probably).
“Actually, we were a bit afraid of him.” — The schoolchildren
1981 brought Idol’s cover of Mony Mony, which I hope brings up as many bad junior high gym class memories for you as it does for me and if it doesn’t, have I got a stupid dance to teach you! Anyway, Mony Mony, the bane of junior high students everywhere, was actually quite popular (if horrible), and paved the way for much better work, like those songs I mentioned earlier and can’t be arsed to type the names of again, except Eyes Without a Face, just to point out it was on the penultimate episode of Fringe’s fourth season as elevator music right before the nanites started killing everyone.
Getting to say things like “before the nanites started killing everyone” is why Fringe is one of my favorite shows EVAH.
On Feb. 6, 1990, Idol was out riding his motorcycle and ignoring stop signs when he got hit by a car. Wikipedia describes the incident as a “motorcycle accident,” but anyone with a journalism background who has seen Hot Fuzz knows that is a “wreck ” for sure. Anyway, the wreck nearly cost Idol his leg and definitely cost him his role as the T-1000 in Terminator 2, which is OK, because I can’t imagine anybody but Robert Patrick playing that role anyway.
“Accident implies nobody is at fault.” — Sgt. Nicholas Angel
In 1998, Idol had a cameo in The Wedding Singer (theme song: White Wedding, of course), back when we all still wanted Adam Sandler’s characters to find love and be happy. Also, he had a small part in the movie The Doors, which probably happened before The Wedding Singer, like playing with former Pink Floydian Roger Waters at Berlin in 1990.
At this point, Idol didn’t drop off the face of the earth, like I kind of thought, but made an experimental album in 1993 called Cyberpunk, because it was made on a computer, I guess, so why not call it that?
In 2000, Idol voiced the character of Odin in the animated film Heavy Metal 2000, which disappoints me because Odin is not the classic Norse god I was expecting, but is actually, like, an alien or something.
I personally think Billy Idol would make a great Norse god.
And this post is getting long, so brief highlights:
- 2005: Idol released Devil’s Playground. I haven’t heard of it either, so don’t feel bad.
- November 2006: Idol released a Christmas album called Happy Holidays. That makes me unhappy, for various reasons.
- June 24, 2008: A new greatest hits album is released, “Idolize Yourself,” because how did it take him 50 years to make that joke?
- I’m tired of typing now.
To wrap things up: Billy Idol! Listen to Rebel Yell right now! You know you want to!
And let me just add that I love that he still goes to the trouble of styling his hair like that.
So was Buck the son or the dog?
The other day, for some inexplicable reason, I began thinking about the Bundy family and how successful they are today. Al’s got Modern Family. Kelly’s got Up All Night. Peg’s got Sons of Anarchy and Futurama, making her the awesomest person evah, and Buck (or was that Bud?)’s got ….
... the best stepdaddy ever?
Wait, what the hell does he got?
(Also, what the hell is that actor’s name?)
So I decided to apply a little Google-fu to the situation and get to the bottom of the mystery. Or whatever.
First off: Yes, Buck was the dog. The son was “Bud,” so you see how I might be confused. Secondly, the actor’s name is David Faustino and he is really only 5’3″. Actually, I suspect he might be smaller than that, because who doesn’t lie on IMDb? (Although I suppose he could be taller, and just wants to come across as nonthreatening?)
Anyway, David Faustino’s career began at the ripe old age of 3 months old, when he appeared on the Lily Tomlin Special. He decided to shelve his acting career until he reached 5 or 6, when he played Joey in the TV movie Act of Love. That title couldn’t begin to make me care less. He followed that up with a role as Josh on Little House on the Prairie, and then decided to switch things up a little bit by playing Bobby Hofstedter (a boy with a last name!) on And They All Lived Happily Ever After, another TV movie.
Awwww! He's freakin' adorable!
Anyway, blah blah blah, a bunch more guest shots throughout the ’80s (including spots on Scarecrow and Mrs. King and Highway to Heaven, two shows which totally represent the ’80s to me) until finally, he landed the role of Bud Bundy on Married with Children. A thing I didn’t know was that he also tried to be a rap star and that it was parodied on Married with Children, because the only thing I really remember about that show is that Al always put his hand down his pants when he sat on the couch. That and Peg’s bouffant.
And Kelly was slutty or something, right?
So, anyway, while Married with Children ran for 11 seasons (from 1987 to 1997), Faustino supplemented his income with guest roles on various other TV shows (often as Bud Bundy, oddly enough) and a voice role on Adventures of the Gummi Bears!
Does anybody else feel guilty eating them knowing that they had adventures?
He also appeared on CBS Schoolbreak Special, which is exactly as after-school specially as it sounds. Exactly as. He made two separate appearances on the show, once in 1986 and again in 1992, when you’d've thunk he’d have better things to do with his time, but maybe they had some dirt on him or something? I mean, who knows what the 12-year-old Faustino was getting up to in ’86, you know?
After Married with Children went to that great big television in the sky, Faustino moved on to a career in the movies. And by “a career,” I mean he had a role in something called Lovers and Liars, in which the main female character is named Caitland, because why not spell it that way? Always resilient, he went on to play “Cornfed” in 12 Bucks, a movie “starring” a bunch of people you’ve never heard of, unless you’re their mother or their agent.
Title or box office take?
Seeing that the big screen wasn’t all he was hoping for (or maybe he really did enjoy roles as someone named “Cornfed”?), Faustino returned to guest spots on television, including roles on Unhappily Ever After and The New Addams Family, a thing that I didn’t know existed until now, and kind of wish I could continue on blissfully ignorant.
But because I have to know, you have to know too.
In 2000, Faustino had a voice role on Batman Beyond, which I only mention because I’ve heard it was a pretty good cartoon, and also he appeared on Nash Bridges, which I’ve heard of, but can’t remember why.
From 2000 to 2001, he played “Older Chance” and “Narrator” on Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI family, which I hope was about a family of spies like Spy Kids, but doesn’t seem very likely.
In 2001, he was in Killer Bud, which at first led me to believe it was the continued adventures of Bud Bundy, having become a homicidal maniac, but is actually a pot comedy. I’m sorry, I meant to put “comedy” in quotation marks, so you would know that it probably wasn’t actually funny at all.
While doing an image search for Killer Bud, Killer Bunny popped up instead, so please enjoy this screen shot from The Holy Grail.
A guest spot on the X-Files was the highlight of 2002, but it was one of the Mulder-less episodes, so nobody watched it probably. Notable roles in 2003 were a voice bit in the cartoon Static Shock. Actually, that’s it for 2003, so hopefully Faustino had a lot of hobbies to fall back on, or a house in need of renovation or something.
It sucks to be a superhero and all the good names are already taken.
He’s actually been in a lot of stuff since 2003, but I don’t really care about any of it and I’m too lazy to mention them all by name, so here’s some quick samples: 2008′s Boston Strangler: The Untold Story (as Albert DeSalvo, the confessed strangler himself); in 2009, a TV series call Star-ving (for some reason); 2010′s Not Another B Movie, which seems like it came out longer ago than that, unless I’m confusing it with Scary Movie or something; and a voice role in Scooby Doo! Mystery Incorporated, another thing I didn’t know existed.
Most recently, he’s been on Clunkers, Working Class and has a voice role in The Legend of Korra, which I think is an Airbender spin-off, but please, feel free not to correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t care that much.
Additional things to know about Faustino is that he’s divorced, was arrested for misdemeanor possession of marijuana and also that he owns a night club in LA called Balistyx. Coincidentally enough, that’s the same name as his rap album, which makes me glad I’ve never heard it.
I'm ... not sure if this is the album artwork or an ad for the nightclub.
So there you go: David Faustino’s career in a nutshell. For those of you that skipped ahead, to reiterate, yes, Buck was the dog. David Faustino was Bud.
And his hair used to be like this.
You’d think Ben Chaplin would be more famous now
So, the other night, I was watching one of my favorite movies that doesn’t have any explosions in it, Washington Square (which, coincidentally, is based on one of my favorite books: Washington Square), and as I was cursing the mercenary lover for being so horrible to poor, sweet Catherine, I wondered: Hey, whatever did happen to that guy, anyway?
And how could he break poor Catherine's heart like that?
That guy, dear readers, was Ben Chaplin.
So today, we address the mystery of whatever did happen to that guy, and also, is he related to that famous silent film actor?
Ha, ha, no, the other one.
According to Ben Chaplin’s IMDb biography, he has charm to spare and unassumingly handsome looks, so I think we’ll assume that was written by a completely unbiased source. At any rate, it also claims he was born in July of 1970, which is probably true. Actually, he is rather handsome, so maybe it’s all true. And unbiased!
"Unassumingly handsome looks," yeah, that's how I'd describe it.
His father was an engineer and his mother was a drama teacher, so you’ve got to wonder how those two even met. At any rate, young Chaplin became interested in acting after being in a school play. He made his television debut in 1990, and got his first notable role in 1992.
Oh, I feel like, at this point, I probably should have mentioned that he’s British, so all of this was occurring in England, which is why you’ve never heard of Bye Bye Baby. Moving right along, he had roles in more British television series, including one called A Fatal Inversion, which alternately sounds like it is awesome or about math. In 1993, he made the leap to feature films with a role in The Remains of the Day as Charlie, Head Footman.
Head Footman is a funny job title.
In 1995, people really began to notice the charming and unassumingly handsome Chaplin when he starred as Matthew in Game-On, a British TV series with an extraneous hyphen. (He was in another TV series that year, Resort to Murder, which I can only hope was about a tropical resort with murder!, as Joshua Penny. But, really, it was his role as Matthew that people, apparently, remember.)
Well, that, and the oodles of charm.
Next up was some movie called Feast of July, followed by The Truth About Cats and Dogs, which I swear had Jeneane Garofolo in it, but I’m too lazy to look up. Also the spelling of her name.
This role was followed by Morris Townsend in 1997′s Washington Square, which is a great period piece and Jennifer Jason Leigh is so good in it, and you should watch it just for the varying shades of stink-eye that Albert Finney gives Maggie Smith alone. Really! There’s no gunfights, but it’s a good movie.
True story, guys! When I went to New York, I made my friend who lives there take me to the Algonquin and to Washington Square Park, where I basked in the glory of great, dead writers.
He followed that role up with The Thin Red Line, and then several movies I’ve never heard of, including 2005′s Chromophobia, which also had Ralph Fiennes and Ian Holm, so you’d think I’d've paid it a bit more attention, because I love those guys. He continued his streak of roles in what I can only assume are independent films, including what appears to have been a Zac Efron vehicle, Me and Orson Welles. This is seriously the first I’ve ever heard of that movie.
Huh. Looks like Claire Danes was in it, too. Still not ringing any bells.
2009 brought Dorian Gray, which I guess I should’ve known had been made into a film, but I didn’t. In 2010, he was in Ways to Live Forever and London Boulevard. In 2011, he played Edgar Allen Poe in Twixt, which leads me to believe he is purposely picking out films that people have never heard of. (And, yes, by “people,” I mean “myself.”)
Ohhhh, it was an ART film. (Or horror?)
And now I’m feeling guilty about not looking up The Truth about Cats and Dogs, so it also starred Uma Thurman and it’s spelled Janeane Garofalo.
Since 2011, it looks like Chaplin has gone back to television, made another indie film and done a lot of stage work. So there you go: he’s working steadily, happily and isn’t dating Embeth Davidtz anymore. Also, I always assumed she was British, but I guess she’s American. At least I know how to spell her name, though.
Oh, yeah, and he's not related to this guy.
What this blog needs is more bleached blondes
… And fake boobs!
Which is why, today, we’re wondering: What became of Pamela Anderson (occasionally Lee)?
IMDb shares this bit of "trivia" about Pamela Anderson: She was born a brunette. Duh, IMDb. Duh.
Of course, first we have to find out what started Pamela Anderson (sometimes Lee).
(Why? Because I said so, that’s why.)
Pamela Anderson was born as Pamela Anderson, which makes sense, because who changes their name to Pamela Anderson? Anyway, she was born Canadian and lived Canadian for as many as 21 years before being discovered at some sort of sports event. I’d say hockey, since it’s Canada, but Wikipedia says she was taken down to the “field” after being shown on the stadium television, and I don’t think hockey has fields. So maybe baseball or Non-American football or something. Or lacrosse. Lacrosse has fields, possibly.
But the point isn’t what sporting event she was discovered at, the point is that she was discovered. Discovered like a pretty girl in a tight shirt.
Yup, just like that.
Thus began her modeling career. She posed for Playboy, and was Playmate of the month and then decided to get breast implants, like why bother at that point, though, right? But bother she did. And it was apparently the kick in the rear that her career needed, as she scored a role on Home Improvement in the early ’90s as the Tool Time Girl, and, no, I never watched that show, so I don’t know what that means. But I’m sure it’s wonderful and wasn’t demeaning at all.
Eh, everybody's gotta eat, I guess.
After two years of tool timing, Anderson was cast in Baywatch, which was later adapted into a slow-motion movie for which she won an Oscar. Or I’m thinking of Futurama here, and you should ignore everything after the word “Baywatch.” Baywatch was famed for its believable characters, witty dialogue and thought-provoking … oh, wait, I’m thinking of Futurama again. Baywatch was best known for BOOBS! Slow motion, bouncing, jiggling, wiggling, wobbling BOOBS.
Well, boobs and the disembodied, floating head of David Hasselhoff.
(Thank God Anderson got those breast implants.)
In 1994, she earned a starring role in Raw Justice, and 1996 brought Barb Wire. Wikipedia describes Barb Wire as a thinly-veiled remake of Casablanca, and I just don’t believe that at all.
Oh, well, NOW I see the similarities.
Then, in 1998, Anderson starred in the very excellent V.I.P. (short for Valerie Iron Protection, or something like that). I loved that show. It was sheer TV brilliance, what with the foxy glasses chick, the foxy tough chick, the other foxy tough chick, Anderson as the foxy ditzy chick and also some guy who went around looking like a food addict at the best buffet ever. (I know you thought I was joking earlier, but I really did enjoy V.I.P. True confessions!)
Seriously. This show was top-frakking-notch.
In 2003, she returned to the beaches for a Baywatch movie, which I guess didn’t win any Oscars, but you’d have to ask someone from the 31st century for sure.
"Yes."
In 2004, Anderson appeared nude on the cover of Playboy, the first time she had ever been photographed nude, which confuses me, because I assumed that’s what you did when you were the centerfold, like in that J. Geils Band song. Also in 2004, Anderson wrote a book called Star and signed autographs at Wal-Mart, which actually makes a lot of sense to me, because way more people go to Wal-Mart than to bookstores. She followed it up with Star Struck, which I have also never heard of.
At some point, Anderson was married to Tommy Lee from Motley Crue and later to Kid Rock, but I don’t care about those guys, so I don’t feel like documenting the dates of those marriages. Because lazy. Unfortunately for Anderson, though, during her time with Lee, they shared needles and she contracted Hepatitis C, which is not funny at all, and is really depressing.
Moving right along, IMDb says that Anderson got her breast implants removed in 1999, but doesn’t mention when she got new ones. Also, Anderson is involved with PETA and posed nude in a store window to protest wearing fur. That sounds chilly to me.
TV credits to Anderson’s name, in addition to V.I.P. and Baywatch, include Stripperella (causing me more Futurama confusion, because I thought that was Leela’s superhero name, until I remembered that was Clobberella) and Stacked. It was about a bookstore, don’t be dirty.
Pictured here: NOT Stripperella.
Since then, she’s appeared in 2008′s Blonde and Blonder as (worst character name EVER) Dee Twiddle (and shut up, I get the Alice in Wonderland reference, and it still sucks), Superhero Movie as Invisible Girl and Hollywood & Wine in 2008. In 2010, she had a role as Female Guest in Hotel in The Commuter, and in 2011 she was in A Russell Peters Christmas Special. No, I don’t know who that is, either.
So there you go: Probably more than you ever wanted to know about Pamela Anderson (no longer Lee).
Stop complaining about the lack of images. I'm at work. They totally think I'm a porn addict now.
Probably not related to Johann Sebastian Bach: Sebastian Bach!
The 1980s: a decade wherein neon became a fashion choice, the men wore more makeup than the ladies and a young singer named Sebastian Bach (note: probably not his real name) rose to fame as the lead singer of Skid Row. Yeah, whatever happened to those guys, anyway?
In the '80s, people hardly ever wore shirts. Just leather jackets.
Well, since I never knew any of their names except Sebastian Bach’s, which probably isn’t his real name anyway, let’s find out what became of him. But first we’ll find out how he became the man he was. Or is. Or whatever.
Sebastian Bach was born on April 3, 1968, in the Bahamas, as Sebastian Philip Bierk, which is much closer to his stage name than I would have guessed. Bach was raised in Canada, so apparently the tropic beauty of the Bahamas was too much for his family, or he popped out while they were having a nice vacation.
Welcome to the world, Baby Sebastian! Enjoy Canada!
According to Wikipedia, which is a complete and utter authority on all subjects great and small, and also completely accurate, all the time, Bach went to school at Lakefield College School, which seems kind of redundant to me, like calling “Lincoln High School” “Lincoln High School Education Place.”
Note that in this artist's rendering, there is no sign designating this establishment as a "college school."
Anyway, after going to college school, Bach went on to … I don’t know, become a wedding singer or something, because that’s how Skid Row (which had everything but a lead singer, much like all the bands I knew in high school) discovered him. The band loved him and flew him out to New Jersey to start playing gigs. (In the 1980s, New Jersey was a rock mecca. See: Jovi, Bon.) The group had hits like 18 and Life and other songs that I never really listened to and don’t remember. I think 18 and Life was a really famous one, though. You can correct me if I’m wrong, but try to use proper punctuation to do so.
Oh, and feel free to educate me on the rest of the band's names. Just be aware that I won't actually care at all.
In 1989, Bach suffered some backlash for wearing a tee-shirt during a concert that said “AIDS kills fags dead.” His defense was that a fan threw him the shirt and he put it on without looking at it, which seems like a really bad policy, considering most fans throwing stuff at you are 1) crazy; 2) probably quite smelly; 3) possibly currently naked. Just throw the shirt back is what I’m saying.
In 1990, Bach performed with Guns N’ Roses and Metallica, and the impromptu band called themselves “The Gak,” which leads me to believe that going to college school doesn’t necessarily give you a large vocabulary from which to choose band names.
Huh. Who knew, right?
Skid Row went on to do some more stuff. Notably not among that stuff was opening for KISS in 1996. “We’re too big to open for KISS,” said the other band members. “You’re never too big to open for KISS,” said Bach, revealing a long-hidden man-crush on Gene Simmons. In the same paragraph, Wikipedia claims both that Bach was fired and that he left the band. Pick your favorite one, I guess.
I know it's hard. It's like picking your favorite photo of Bach in a leather jacket with no shirt on.
After Skid Row, Bach joined a band with The Breeders’ Kelley Deal, The Smashing Pumpkins’ Jimmy Chamberlain and The Frogs’ (The Frogs?) Jimmy Flemiron. As The Last Hard Men (which seems to reveal a little something about Kelley Deal I never knew), they recorded an album for Atlantic Records, which the company decided not to release. It was later released by Deal’s Nice Records, and is now available commercially if you missed out on the first 1,000 copies.
In 2000, Bach began appearing in Broadway shows, earning the title role of Jekyll & Hyde, which I always assumed would be played by two men, but I guess not? He was later replaced by David Hasselhoff, which I find hilarious for various reasons.
OK, just two: "David Hasselhoff" and "Broadway."
In 2002, Bach became the host of VH1 show called VH1′s Forever Wild, which I guess probably people who watch VH1 would have heard of. He also joined a touring performance of Jesus Christ Superstar as Jesus Christ himself. From 2003 to 2007, he apparently had a recurring role in Gilmore Girls, which I might’ve watched if it had robots or spies or something. He still performs with his band Sebastian Bach, which is variously called that, Sebastian Bach and Friends (better, I guess, than Sebastian Bach and Enemies) or Bach Tight Five. That last one is probably a reference to something. I’m assuming football.
I was using "football" as a euphemism for "sex," but I guess I should've used "rugby."
VH1 came a’knocking again in 2006 with Supergroup, which I’d tell you more about if I had ever cared what became of Jason Bonham and Ted Nugent. Since then, Bach has toured as a solo act with Guns N’ Roses and has released a solo album called Kicking & Screaming. Also, he was arrested for biting a bar owner. I kind of love that.
Actually, he does kind of look like a biter.
After the destruction of his home in August 2011 by Hurricane Irene, Bach resides in a temporary home in New Jersey and is considering moving to L.A. And hopefully biting more bar owners.
Oh, yeah. You can tell from that look in his eyes that he's thinking about it.
You say “A-TRAY-you,” I say “A-TRAH-you”
OK, I don’t really say “A-TRAH-you,” because everybody has seen The Neverending Story, and knows how to pronounce the hero’s name.
I'm aware that Bastian is ostensibly the "hero," but I refute that claim for two reasons. One, if sitting around reading makes you a hero, then I am one for the ages; and Two, his name is Bastian.
But thinking about The Neverending Story lately (and, no, I’m not quite sure what precipitated it, but it’s been on my mind a lot), I started wondering, “Hey, what became of Atreyu? And more specifically, that actor who played him. Young whatsisname.” And then I googled his name, which is Noah Hathaway.
Read on for enlightenment!
Not that kind.
Noah, like all good people, was born at a very young age. His birth year: 1971. His heritage: One-quarter Mohican on his father’s side, which is more Mohican than I am. (But less Ojibwe, so ha ha ha.) At the age of 3, he began appearing in commercials, which is way more than I did at age 3 (I like to call that “the year in which I almost mastered the spoon”), so I guess I’ll stop laughing at Mr. Hathaway now. His first non-commercial appearance was on the 1979 show Supertrain as “Kid.” After some research, I see “Supertrain” is not about the adventures of some sort of 1970s musical supergroup as I first believed, but rather a train in the future. I’m not sure which is better.
I'll have to ask someone from the '70s.
His role as “Kid” must have impressed the brass, because he moved on to bigger and better things: “Boxey” on Battlestar Galactica (Not The Reimagined One, Which Mostly (and rightfully) Excised Boxey). From 1978 to 1979, Noah Hathaway battled Cylons and (I assume) provided comic relief and adorable child moments.
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT HORROR HE'S EMBRACING THANK GOD IT WASN'T IN THE REIMAGINED BSG GAHHHHHHHHHHH.
After Battlestar Galactica (The Original) ended, Boxey moved on to a series of guest gigs that hit all the pop culture phenoms of ’70s American television: Mork & Mindy, Eight is Enough, Laverne & Shirley and CHiPs. He also had some roles on miniseries and stuff even I’m not old enough to have heard of.
Motorcycle cops and homoerotic subtext. God bless the 1980s.
Then, in 1984, he was cast as Atreyu in The Neverending Story, worming his way into the hearts of adolescent girls everywhere, and also some guys who have some sort of postmodern metal-core band or something. That’s some good work, there.
In the 1980s, it was OK to see this much boy chest.
After The Neverending Story, it was on to the ’80s and guest spots on shows like Simon & Simon and Family Ties.
Later, he played Harry Potter (Jr.) in Troll. I don’t remember this movie at all, but I do remember this one episode of the Twilight Zone or Amazing Stories or some other TV anthology show where there was a troll and the construction workers tried to steal his gold or something, and then sunlight killed him.
Why, yes, as a matter of fact, being trapped underground with a maneating troll IS another of my ridiculous phobias. Also, I'm terrified of these dolls.
Moving right along, Noah Hathaway had two more roles in 1986 and then disappeared until 1994, when he played “Phil” in To Die, To Sleep. He then re-disappeared, and then re-reappeared in three roles in movies that haven’t been released yet: “Fish” in Sushi Girl, “Roper” in The Critic and “Ruggero Margheriti” in Mondo Holocausto!, in which the exclamation point is not mine.
Of COURSE it's set at one of those naked sushi joints. Why are you even asking?
So what the hell has Noah Hathaway been doing in between then and 1994 and 1994 and now? In the late 1980s, he moved on to teaching advanced jazz and street dancing, until an injury forced an early retirement. So he moved into the much less injury-prone sport of Muay Thai boxing. So that takes care of his life up until 1994.
After this shot was taken, they were all rushed to the ER.
After 1994, he took up motorcycle racing (seriously, who told him this stuff was safer than advanced jazz dancing?) and holds black belts in Tang Soo Do and Shotokan, two martial arts disciplines which I am learning about for the first time. He also runs a motorcycle shop and a tattoo parlor with his wife.
And I have to admit, his arm tattoo is more impressive than mine.
So, there you have it. Busy, busy, busy.
Also, his horse died.
Kyle Secor is my dream man (albeit one of many)
Lately, I’ve been watching old episodes of Homicide, to counteract the effects of Law & Order: SVU marathons and the way they have absolutely ruined Det. John Munch. And as I’ve been watching old episodes of Homicide, I can’t help but remark to the empty air around me: “Man, that Kyle Secor is certainly an attractive man, and also, I love his puppy dog eyes.”
Don't you just want to pat him on the head??
(Also, I had forgotten how much I despise the Megan Russert character. I’m not sure if it’s the way the character is written or how the actress portrays her, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that, thanks to her, I now know that Det. Beau Felton wears black man panties.)
I'd always assumed he was a boxers man.
But anyway, Kyle Secor. I was so happy when he was on the first season of Veronica Mars, because I liked the show already, and he was like the whipped topping on the pie or some better simile than that.
Funny, but thinking about whipped topping AND Kyle Secor makes me feel funny inside.
But what’s he been up to lately? Probably something on cable. I should really get cable.
Anyway, let’s fnd out more about our boy (man?) Kyle Secor.
He was born in 1957 and wanted to be a basketball player (the man is 6’5″) and join the Air Force, but he’s apparently quite near-sighted. Later, he saw a performance of Hello Dolly and decided to become an actor, which I guess was the reaction of everyone who’s ever seen that. Oooh, and also he’s trained in karate and kung fu, and is a certified yoga instructor.
I am suddenly possessed of the urge to take yoga classes.
His acting career began with a stint on Santa Barbara, which I believe was a soap opera, and also had Robin Wright in it. Who knew, right? Later, he got a recurring role on St. Elsewhere, also known as “that TV show that was ruined by the horrible, horrible, wretched, crappy ending.”
After that, there were some roles in TV movies that I don’t feel like listing by name, a guest spot on Tales from the Crypt, roles in movies that I know I saw in the ’90s, like Sleeping with the Enemy and City Slickers, but blocked out because ick.
Then in 1993 came Homicide: Life on the Streets, and the role of Tim Bayliss, one of my favorite detectives ever, except for Sherlock Holmes and L and also Lenny Briscoe. I also very much enjoyed his partner, Frank Pembleton.
Does anyone know how to pronounce Braugher? Is it Brower? Bra-er?
Ooooh, and Meldrick Lewis.
Such a snazzy hat, Meldrick!
And Kay Howard.
Man, remember that time she won an Oscar? That was great.
Oh, and John Munch, of course, before he was ruint.
Don't lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I'm not Montel Williams.
Homicide ran through 1999, which I always forget because NBC kept trying to cancel it, and during that run, Secor picked up a guest spot on NYPD Blue and had roles in more TV movies that I just don’t even want to talk about. In 1999, he took a role on Party of Five, a show I know nothing about, except that guy from Lost was on it, and I think that chick from Ghost Whisperer with the awesome rack too.
Awesome.
Of course, in 2000, he returned to the streets of Baltimore for the Homicide TV movie, which I do feel like talking about, even if the ending was wretchedly depressing, what with Lt. Giardello dying and Bayliss himself confessing to murder. At least it wrapped up the series nicely.
*Sniff* Rest in Peace, Gee!
Also in 2000, he was in City of Angels, a TV show about doctors that didn’t last very long because ER was still a ratings giant then, wrecking the competition like some sort of giant competition-wrecking thing. It also looks like, in 2001, he was on an episode of that show I’m ashamed of watching a few episodes of, but not this one, because I never saw it: Crossing Jordan. From 2001 to 2002, he was on some sort of Kim Delaney vehicle, Philly, which was probably about people in Philadelphia, but possibly about a guy named Phillip.
In 2003, I remember that I watched A Wrinkle in Time the TV movie specifically because Secor was in it as The Man With Red Eyes. I don’t remember much else about it, probably because I recorded it and fast-forwarded to Secor’s scenes because I luv him. He also had guest roles on Without a Trace and CSI, because everyone does those shows if they’re not doing L&O:SVU.
2004 brought his role as Jake Kane on Veronica Mars, the man Veronica’s mother had an affair with, like who could blame her, especially since Jake Kane was also a millionaire.
You can't go wrong if you're dating a millionaire who looks like Kyle Secor.
From 2005 to 2006, he played the First Gentleman (?) in Commander in Chief, which I also thought was canceled immediately. I wanted to love it, because Geena Davis was the president and, of course, Kyle Secor, but I just didn’t. And that’s about the time I lost track of him, because I am the worst stalker ever. Also, I never actually stalked him, just watched him on TV shows of variable quality.
In 2007, he was in two shows I’ve never heard of: Hidden Palms and Women’s Murder Club, which I suspect is about women solving murders and not committing them. Since then, he’s had guest roles on Boston Legal, Dark Blue, Ghost Whisperer, White Collar, The Closer (which has JK Simmons in it too, for an explosion of awesomeness!), Criminal Minds, Private Practice and Hawaii Five-O. (Funnily enough, I just watched an episode of Homicide with Det. Stan Bolander bitching about the state of modern television and wishing they would just bring back Hawaii Five-O. “They have!” I told him, but for some reason, he didn’t seem to hear me.)
I suspect the revamped version isn't what he was hoping for anyway.
His most recent project was a short called The Letter, with Annabeth Gish, which made me go, “Why does her name sound so familiar,” and now I see that she was one of the characters on the X-Files after it started sucking.
Anyway, Mssr. Secor has stayed steadily busy because, in addition to being a dreamboat, he’s also quite a good actor, and I guess I don’t really need cable to watch him, just less discerning taste in television shows.
Gosh, he's just so distinguished and lust-worthy.
