Probably not related to Johann Sebastian Bach: Sebastian Bach!

October 20, 2011 at 11:05 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, )

The 1980s: a decade wherein neon became a fashion choice, the men wore more makeup than the ladies and a young singer named Sebastian Bach (note: probably not his real name) rose to fame as the lead singer of Skid Row. Yeah, whatever happened to those guys, anyway?

In the '80s, people hardly ever wore shirts. Just leather jackets.

Well, since I never knew any of their names except Sebastian Bach’s, which probably isn’t his real name anyway, let’s find out what became of him. But first we’ll find out how he became the man he was. Or is. Or whatever.

Sebastian Bach was born on April 3, 1968, in the Bahamas, as Sebastian Philip Bierk, which is much closer to his stage name than I would have guessed. Bach was raised in Canada, so apparently the tropic beauty of the Bahamas was too much for his family, or he popped out while they were having a nice vacation.

Welcome to the world, Baby Sebastian! Enjoy Canada!

According to Wikipedia, which is a complete and utter authority on all subjects great and small, and also completely accurate, all the time, Bach went to school at Lakefield College School, which seems kind of redundant to me, like calling “Lincoln High School” “Lincoln High School Education Place.”

Note that in this artist's rendering, there is no sign designating this establishment as a "college school."

Anyway, after going to college school, Bach went on to … I don’t know, become a wedding singer or something, because that’s how Skid Row (which had everything but a lead singer, much like all the bands I knew in high school) discovered him. The band loved him and flew him out to New Jersey to start playing gigs. (In the 1980s, New Jersey was a rock mecca. See: Jovi, Bon.) The group had hits like 18 and Life and other songs that I never really listened to and don’t remember. I think 18 and Life was a really famous one, though. You can correct me if I’m wrong, but try to use proper punctuation to do so.

Oh, and feel free to educate me on the rest of the band's names. Just be aware that I won't actually care at all.

In 1989, Bach suffered some backlash for wearing a tee-shirt during a concert that said “AIDS kills fags dead.” His defense was that a fan threw him the shirt and he put it on without looking at it, which seems like a really bad policy, considering most fans throwing stuff at you are 1) crazy; 2) probably quite smelly; 3) possibly currently naked. Just throw the shirt back is what I’m saying.

In 1990, Bach performed with Guns N’ Roses and Metallica, and the impromptu band called themselves “The Gak,” which leads me to believe that going to college school doesn’t necessarily give you a large vocabulary from which to choose band names.

Huh. Who knew, right?

Skid Row went on to do some more stuff. Notably not among that stuff was opening for KISS in 1996. “We’re too big to open for KISS,” said the other band members. “You’re never too big to open for KISS,” said Bach, revealing a long-hidden man-crush on Gene Simmons. In the same paragraph, Wikipedia claims both that Bach was fired and that he left the band. Pick your favorite one, I guess.

I know it's hard. It's like picking your favorite photo of Bach in a leather jacket with no shirt on.

After Skid Row, Bach joined a band with The Breeders’ Kelley Deal, The Smashing Pumpkins’ Jimmy Chamberlain and The Frogs’ (The Frogs?) Jimmy Flemiron. As The Last Hard Men (which seems to reveal a little something about Kelley Deal I never knew), they recorded an album for Atlantic Records, which the company decided not to release. It was later released by Deal’s Nice Records, and is now available commercially if you missed out on the first 1,000 copies.

In 2000, Bach began appearing in Broadway shows, earning the title role of Jekyll & Hyde, which I always assumed would be played by two men, but I guess not? He was later replaced by David Hasselhoff, which I find hilarious for various reasons.

OK, just two: "David Hasselhoff" and "Broadway."

In 2002, Bach became the host of  VH1 show called VH1′s Forever Wild, which I guess probably people who watch VH1 would have heard of. He also joined a touring performance of Jesus Christ Superstar as Jesus Christ himself. From 2003 to 2007, he apparently had a recurring role in Gilmore Girls, which I might’ve watched if it had robots or spies or something. He still performs with his band Sebastian Bach, which is variously called that, Sebastian Bach and Friends (better, I guess, than Sebastian Bach and Enemies) or Bach Tight Five. That last one is probably a reference to something. I’m assuming football.

I was using "football" as a euphemism for "sex," but I guess I should've used "rugby."

VH1 came a’knocking again in 2006 with Supergroup, which I’d tell you more about if I had ever cared what became of Jason Bonham and Ted Nugent. Since then, Bach has toured as a solo act with Guns N’ Roses and has released a solo album called Kicking & Screaming. Also, he was arrested for biting a bar owner. I kind of love that.

Actually, he does kind of look like a biter.

After the destruction of his home in August 2011 by Hurricane Irene, Bach resides in a temporary home in New Jersey and is considering moving to L.A. And hopefully biting more bar owners.

Oh, yeah. You can tell from that look in his eyes that he's thinking about it.

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You say “A-TRAY-you,” I say “A-TRAH-you”

July 18, 2011 at 7:35 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

OK, I don’t really say “A-TRAH-you,” because everybody has seen The Neverending Story, and knows how to pronounce the hero’s name.

I'm aware that Bastian is ostensibly the "hero," but I refute that claim for two reasons. One, if sitting around reading makes you a hero, then I am one for the ages; and Two, his name is Bastian.

But thinking about The Neverending Story lately (and, no, I’m not quite sure what precipitated it, but it’s been on my mind a lot), I started wondering, “Hey, what became of Atreyu? And more specifically, that actor who played him. Young whatsisname.” And then I googled his name, which is Noah Hathaway.

Read on for enlightenment!

Not that kind.

Noah, like all good people, was born at a very young age. His birth year: 1971. His heritage: One-quarter Mohican on his father’s side, which is more Mohican than I am. (But less Ojibwe, so ha ha ha.) At the age of 3, he began appearing in commercials, which is way more than I did at age 3 (I like to call that “the year in which I almost mastered the spoon”), so I guess I’ll stop laughing at Mr. Hathaway now. His first non-commercial appearance was on the 1979 show Supertrain as “Kid.” After some research, I see “Supertrain” is not about the adventures of some sort of 1970s musical supergroup as I first believed, but rather a train in the future. I’m not sure which is better.

I'll have to ask someone from the '70s.

His role as “Kid” must have impressed the brass, because he moved on to bigger and better things: “Boxey” on Battlestar Galactica (Not The Reimagined One, Which Mostly (and rightfully) Excised Boxey). From 1978 to 1979, Noah Hathaway battled Cylons and (I assume) provided comic relief and adorable child moments.

OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT HORROR HE'S EMBRACING THANK GOD IT WASN'T IN THE REIMAGINED BSG GAHHHHHHHHHHH.

After Battlestar Galactica (The Original) ended, Boxey moved on to a series of guest gigs that hit all the pop culture phenoms of ’70s American television: Mork & Mindy, Eight is Enough, Laverne & Shirley and CHiPs. He also had some roles on miniseries and stuff even I’m not old enough to have heard of.

Motorcycle cops and homoerotic subtext. God bless the 1980s.

Then, in 1984, he was cast as Atreyu in The Neverending Story, worming his way into the hearts of adolescent girls everywhere, and also some guys who have some sort of postmodern metal-core band or something. That’s some good work, there.

In the 1980s, it was OK to see this much boy chest.

After The Neverending Story, it was on to the ’80s and guest spots on shows like Simon & Simon and Family Ties.

Later, he played Harry Potter (Jr.) in Troll. I don’t remember this movie at all, but I do remember this one episode of the Twilight Zone or Amazing Stories or some other TV anthology show where there was a troll and the construction workers tried to steal his gold or something, and then sunlight killed him.

Why, yes, as a matter of fact, being trapped underground with a maneating troll IS another of my ridiculous phobias. Also, I'm terrified of these dolls.

Moving right along, Noah Hathaway had two more roles in 1986 and then disappeared until 1994, when he played “Phil” in To Die, To Sleep. He then re-disappeared, and then re-reappeared in three roles in movies that haven’t been released yet: “Fish” in Sushi Girl, “Roper” in The Critic and “Ruggero Margheriti” in Mondo Holocausto!, in which the exclamation point is not mine.

Of COURSE it's set at one of those naked sushi joints. Why are you even asking?

So what the hell has Noah Hathaway been doing in between then and 1994 and 1994 and now? In the late 1980s, he moved on to teaching advanced jazz and street dancing, until an injury forced an early retirement. So he moved into the much less injury-prone sport of Muay Thai boxing. So that takes care of his life up until 1994.

After this shot was taken, they were all rushed to the ER.

After 1994, he took up motorcycle racing (seriously, who told him this stuff was safer than advanced jazz dancing?) and holds black belts in Tang Soo Do and Shotokan, two martial arts disciplines which I am learning about for the first time. He also runs a motorcycle shop and a tattoo parlor with his wife.

And I have to admit, his arm tattoo is more impressive than mine.

So, there you have it. Busy, busy, busy.

Also, his horse died.

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Kyle Secor is my dream man (albeit one of many)

June 13, 2011 at 10:53 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , )

Lately, I’ve been watching old episodes of Homicide, to counteract the effects of Law & Order: SVU marathons and the way they have absolutely ruined Det. John Munch. And as I’ve been watching old episodes of Homicide, I can’t help but remark to the empty air around me: “Man, that Kyle Secor is certainly an attractive man, and also, I love his puppy dog eyes.”

Don't you just want to pat him on the head??

(Also, I had forgotten how much I despise the Megan Russert character. I’m not sure if it’s the way the character is written or how the actress portrays her, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that, thanks to her, I now know that Det. Beau Felton wears black man panties.)

I'd always assumed he was a boxers man.

But anyway, Kyle Secor. I was so happy when he was on the first season of Veronica Mars, because I liked the show already, and he was like the whipped topping on the pie or some better simile than that.

Funny, but thinking about whipped topping AND Kyle Secor makes me feel funny inside.

But what’s he been up to lately? Probably something on cable. I should really get cable.

Anyway, let’s fnd out more about our boy (man?) Kyle Secor.

He was born in 1957 and wanted to be a basketball player (the man is 6’5″) and join the Air Force, but he’s apparently quite near-sighted. Later, he saw a performance of Hello Dolly and decided to become an actor, which I guess was the reaction of everyone who’s ever seen that. Oooh, and also he’s trained in karate and kung fu, and is a certified yoga instructor.

I am suddenly possessed of the urge to take yoga classes.

His acting career began with a stint on Santa Barbara, which I believe was a soap opera, and also had Robin Wright in it. Who knew, right? Later, he got a recurring role on St. Elsewhere, also known as “that TV show that was ruined by the horrible, horrible, wretched, crappy ending.”

After that, there were some roles in TV movies that I don’t feel like listing by name, a guest spot on Tales from the Crypt, roles in movies that I know I saw in the ’90s, like Sleeping with the Enemy and City Slickers, but blocked out because ick.

Then in 1993 came Homicide: Life on the Streets, and the role of Tim Bayliss, one of my favorite detectives ever, except for Sherlock Holmes and L and also Lenny Briscoe. I also very much enjoyed his partner, Frank Pembleton.

Does anyone know how to pronounce Braugher? Is it Brower? Bra-er?

Ooooh, and Meldrick Lewis.

Such a snazzy hat, Meldrick!

And Kay Howard.

Man, remember that time she won an Oscar? That was great.

Oh, and John Munch, of course, before he was ruint.

Don't lie to me like I'm Montel Williams. I'm not Montel Williams.

Homicide ran through 1999, which I always forget because NBC kept trying to cancel it, and during that run, Secor picked up a guest spot on NYPD Blue and had roles in more TV movies that I just don’t even want to talk about. In 1999, he took a role on Party of Five, a show I know nothing about, except that guy from Lost was on it, and I think that chick from Ghost Whisperer with the awesome rack too.

Awesome.

Of course, in 2000, he returned to the streets of Baltimore for the Homicide TV movie, which I do feel like talking about, even if the ending was wretchedly depressing, what with Lt. Giardello dying and Bayliss himself confessing to murder. At least it wrapped up the series nicely.

*Sniff* Rest in Peace, Gee!

Also in 2000, he was in City of Angels, a TV show about doctors that didn’t last very long because ER was still a ratings giant then, wrecking the competition like some sort of giant competition-wrecking thing. It also looks like, in 2001, he was on an episode of that show I’m ashamed of watching a few episodes of, but not this one, because I never saw it: Crossing Jordan. From 2001 to 2002, he was on some sort of Kim Delaney vehicle, Philly, which was probably about people in Philadelphia, but possibly about a guy named Phillip.

In 2003, I remember that I watched A Wrinkle in Time the TV movie specifically because Secor was in it as The Man With Red Eyes. I don’t remember much else about it, probably because I recorded it and fast-forwarded to Secor’s scenes because I luv him. He also had guest roles on Without a Trace and CSI, because everyone does those shows if they’re not doing L&O:SVU.

2004 brought his role as Jake Kane on Veronica Mars, the man Veronica’s mother had an affair with, like who could blame her, especially since Jake Kane was also a millionaire.

You can't go wrong if you're dating a millionaire who looks like Kyle Secor.

From 2005 to 2006, he played the First Gentleman (?) in Commander in Chief, which I also thought was canceled immediately. I wanted to love it, because Geena Davis was the president and, of course, Kyle Secor, but I just didn’t. And that’s about the time I lost track of him, because I am the worst stalker ever. Also, I never actually stalked him, just watched him on TV shows of variable quality.

In 2007, he was in two shows I’ve never heard of: Hidden Palms and Women’s Murder Club, which I suspect is about women solving murders and not committing them. Since then, he’s had guest roles on Boston Legal, Dark Blue, Ghost Whisperer, White Collar, The Closer (which has JK Simmons in it too, for an explosion of awesomeness!), Criminal Minds, Private Practice and Hawaii Five-O. (Funnily enough, I just watched an episode of Homicide with Det. Stan Bolander bitching about the state of modern television and wishing they would just bring back Hawaii Five-O. “They have!” I told him, but for some reason, he didn’t seem to hear me.)

I suspect the revamped version isn't what he was hoping for anyway.

His most recent project was a short called The Letter, with Annabeth Gish, which made me go, “Why does her name sound so familiar,” and now I see that she was one of the characters on the X-Files after it started sucking.

Anyway, Mssr. Secor has stayed steadily busy because, in addition to being a dreamboat, he’s also quite a good actor, and I guess I don’t really need cable to watch him, just less discerning taste in television shows.

Gosh, he's just so distinguished and lust-worthy.

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I always forget that Jill Hennessy has a twin

May 10, 2011 at 5:50 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

So, before Jerry Orbach died, Law & Order: Original Flavor was one of my absolute favorite shows. After Jerry Orbach died, I tried to keep watching it, I really did, because S. Epatha Merkerson and Sam Waterston. But it just wasn’t the same.

You know, I think I owe myself a young Jerry Orbach marathon.

And during those years when I watched L&O: The First, and Best, One, there was a revolving door letting in assistant district attorneys to Sam Waterston. And the first of these (that I can remember) was ADA Claire Kincaid, aka Jill Hennessy. (Well, the character wasn’t aka Jill Hennessy, but that was the actress’s name, and … you know what? Never mind.)

I seriously can't remember who was Jack McCoy's assistant before her.

After leaving L&O in a blaze of car-crashing, affair-with-Jack-McCoy-revelating glory, Hennessy went on to star in Crossing Jordan, aka that show I only watched a couple of times when there was nothing else on and books just seemed too heavy and complicated and I swear, I didn’t wait every week for it to come on. And after that …?

Let’s find out, shall we?

Jill Hennessy was born in 1968, along with her twin sister, Jacqueline, bringing joy to lovers of attractive brunettes everywhere. Well, eventually, because if you rejoiced when they were babies, then ewwww.

It's perfectly fine to ogle her now. Rowr!

Her first role was in 1988′s Dead Ringers, which is a movie about twin gynecologists, which means you’ve lost me right there. Apparently, it’s quite good, but twin gynecologists. In 1989, she moved on to a television show called The Hitchhiker, which I can only assume was about someone who hitchhiked around America either solving crimes or committing them, with everybody learning a nice little moral lesson at the end. She was in two different episodes under two different names, so possibly two different characters? In 1990, she moved right on along to the role of Hooker on C.B.C.’s Magic Hour. Possibly it was a character whose last name was Hooker, but probably not.

Speaking of hookers, her first role on the Friday the 13th television series (I know! I’d completely forgotten about it too!) was Spanish hooker. I don’t think she’s really Spanish, though. She also played Vampire Woman, Secretary and Lifeguard over the course of 1989 and 1990, because somebody at Friday the 13th either really liked her or didn’t realize they kept hiring the same woman repeatedly. Also, there used to be a War of the Worlds television series, which I had no idea!, and she was in two episodes with two different names again.

Hooo boy, they didn't try very hard with that logo, did they?

A few more TV series here and there and then, boom, catapulted to fame by 1993′s Robocop 3. Ha, no, I’m just kidding. Nobody watched that. But she was in it, if it shows up one of these days and you’re just too lazy to change the station. (Seriously, though, don’t get caught in that situation.) Also in 1993, she was in some German film that I don’t care about (sorry, Germany!).

But most importantly in 1993, Law & Order: The Best One of All!

Remember when these guys were on it? Ha, ha, yeah, no one does.

And then also in 1994, some movie called The Paper, and in 1996, I Shot Andy Warhol (is the name of the film and not a thing I did).

Ooooh, I didn't know it had Lili Taylor in it.

After her stint in Law & Order, she went on to a bunch of movies that I don’t feel like listing, except for Komodo, which I swear one of my other “Whatever happened to…?”s was in too, as Victoria the Shrink. Seriously, there are a lot of them, and I’m not listing them and you can’t make me.

Here's a poster for Komodo, though.

In 2001, NBC picked up a show about coroners who solve crimes, and I blame CSI for that. That show was Crossing Jordan, which I only watched a few times, and mostly for Miguel Ferrer and Jerry O’Connell. Also? That show was on for six seasons, so I am feeling even less embarrassed about the few episodes I watched because I thought it was only on for two or three years, so I very definitely did not watch all of them.

Nor even most, nor even many.

Anyway, in 2007, Crossing Jordan bid the world of television adieu, and Jill Hennessy went on to some indie film called Lymelife before taking a two-year hiatus until 2010, which saw The Roadie and Small Town Murder Songs, which actually sounds like it should be a Nick Cave album.

Hell, maybe it is.

Since 2010, I’m not quite sure what she’s been up to, but she did release an album in 2009 and sang at 2010′s Lillith Fair, so let’s just go with “she’s concentrating on her music career.”

Just a girl and her guitar.

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Denise Crosby’s career: the next generation

April 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

Was that too much of a stretch for a Star Trek joke? It was, wasn’t it.

Eh, I could've done a play on "Make it so," so really, we all got off lucky.

Anyway, nerds of a certain age will remember Denise Crosby as the taser-wielding Lt. Tasha Yar from Star Trek: The Next Generation. You younger nerds can get off my lawn.

But what happened to Ms. Crosby after she left ST:TNG for greener pastures? Where did she goooooooo?

Well, according to IMDB, Denise Crosby forms part of the extensive Crosby family dynasty, a dynasty of which I was heretofore unaware. (Did I use heretofore correctly? Will anyone know if I didn’t?) The daughter of entertainer Dennis Crosby (yeah, I’ve never heard of him before now either), her first role was as an uncredited party guest in 10.

Sadly, I have no hilarious commentary on the existence of 10.

A year later, she got a role on Days of Our Lives. In 1982, it was on to a role in Trail of the Pink Panther, which I don’t think you should bother watching because Peter Sellers was dead by then.

There's a lot of movies you shouldn't bother watching because Peter Sellers is dead.

The early ’80s also brought loads of fun stuff, like the TV movie Cocaine: One Man’s Seduction, like don’t you feel bad for the people who have to come up with these titles? “Look, Bob, we need to make it clear this is a C-List made-for-TV flick. What’ve ya got?”

I see your coke-addicted Dennis Weaver ...

... And raise you a feathery-haired James Spader.

Of course, you’ve got 1983′s The Man Who Loved Women, which should have been alternately titled Which is Every Guy Except for the Gay Ones and 1985′s Malice in Wonderland (made for TV movie).

The late ’80s brought a guest role on L.A. Law, which was a pretty big deal at the time, and also a role as the wife in Pet Sematary, which I totally didn’t realize was her.

I'll go ahead and just say it was because the headband threw me off.

Also in the late 1980s, she was in Star Trek: The Next Generation, which I already mentioned. She left after 22 episodes, because her character had been kind of pushed to the background, but came back in later years to play her character’s daughter and also alternate reality or time-travel versions of Tasha Yar. I had already stopped watching at that point, so I really don’t remember this at all.

Here's a picture of Tasha Yar, though.

The early ’90s brought a lot of guest roles on TV series I’ve never heard of and don’t feel like listing, except for The Adventures of Brisco County Jr., because it had Bruce Campbell in it.

I will never stop telling you people that Bruce Campbell is a god until he agrees to officiate my wedding. If I ever have a wedding.

She was also in the Red Shoe Diaries, just like David Duchovny and Sheryl Lee!

Young David Duchovny has nice cheekbones.

Later, she had a role on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Diagnosis Murder and Baywatch, which is great. In 1998, she had a role in a movie called Divorce: A Contemporary Western, proving that titles are hard no matter what the genre.

Speaking of David Duchovny, she also had a guest part on the X-Files after it had started sucking, so no wonder I never noticed. She was also on JAG and Judging Amy and Crossing Jordan, but I never saw those shows, so I don’t care.

OK, fine, I watched a few episodes of Crossing Jordan when there was nothing else on, but that is it, I swear.

This is getting a little long here, because apparently Denise Crosby has been working steadily for quiet a while, and I just didn’t notice, so we’ll wrap things up by saying she’s had roles on Dexter, Mad Men, Prison Break and most recently Southland, so I guess if I wanted to know what Denise Crosby was up to lately, I would watch more television.

So there you go. Tasha Yar is not only still acting, she is, in fact, flourishing.

And she looks GREAT.

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We’ll always know him as Jimmy Olsen

March 29, 2011 at 11:26 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

Remember the Superman movies? (The good ones, I mean, not that tedious reboot by Bryan Singer.) (And by the good ones, I mean the first two and parts of the third one, but only for the nostalgia value.)

They told us we would believe a man could fly, and they were right.

*Sniff* I still believe, Mr. Reeve!

But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today. Or read about. Or whatever. No, we’re here for Jimmy Olsen, also known as the actor Marc McClure, who was also in Back to the Future, which I don’t remember at all.

I mean, if he really had been in Back to the Future, wouldn't he be wearing a Back to the Future shirt here?

McClure’s career started in 1975 with a guest shot on the television series Emergency!, which I can only assume was an awesome show because of the exclamation point! It’s not just an emergency, it’s an Emergency! Moving right along, his next role was on The Cop and The Kid, which was either about a scrappy orphan and his policeman buddy, or a cop who owns a goat. Of course, then you’d’ve thunk they’d have gone with the more insulting The Pig and The Goat, so it’s probably the first one.

Here's a picture of a baby goat, because it's really cute.

He also had a role in the movie Freaky Friday, and I guess I didn’t realize that movie was older than me. But it is. Good to know.

Other notable roles in the 1970s included guest spots on Happy Days and Eight is Enough. OK, maybe not so much “notable roles” as just plain old “roles,” but the important thing is, in 1978, McClure was cast as the photographer friend of the man of steel in Superman.

Because in the 1970s, people still read newspapers.

That plum role was enough to get him … oh. More roles intelevision movies. Well, shoot. Ooooh, ooooh, but in 1979, he had a starring role in a TV series called California Fever as a teenager enjoying the Southern California lifestyle. If it was a reality show, it would still be airing today, but it wasn’t, so it only ran for 10 episodes.

Sometimes I forget how silly everyone's hair was in the 1970s. But then I remember.

But that’s OK, because Superman II!

And then moving right along to 1981′s Strange Behavior, which is about a scientist turning good kids into murderers, because there just weren’t enough teen killers in the early ’80s, apparently. Then ’82′s Pandemonium, which is about a Mountie tracking a killer at a cheerleading camp. Phil Hartman was in that one, too, but I still wouldn’t recommend it.

"You might remember me from such films as Pandemonium. Ha, ha, I'm just kidding. Don't watch it."

Then Superman III! And Supergirl! McClure was the only actor from the Superman films to appear in Supergirl, which was awfully nice of him.

I mean, gosh, no one else bothered, you know?

He then went on to a guest role on Trapper John, MD, which I only mention because the character’s name was Luther, which is probably some sort of homage to Lex Luthor, but who knows.

Gratuitous Azzarello plug alert!

Then he played Dave McFly in Back to the Future. Was Dave McFly Marty’s cousin or something? I seriously can’t remember this character at all.

Oooh, then he was on a couple of episodes of Hunter, and does anyone else remember that show? I loved that show when I was a kid.

Like the '70s before them, the 1980s were a bad decade for hair and clothing.

Then between Superman IV and Back to the Future III, there was something called Amazon Women on the Moon, as well as several other movies that I don’t feel like mentioning.

Phil Hartman was in this one too.

The ’90s brought him a guest-starring role heyday, with appearances on Beverly Hills, 90210; Sister, Sister; and Nash Bridges. I never watched any of those shows, but good for them for employing Jimmy Olsen. He also had roles in Apollo 13 and That Thing You Do!, both of which were popular movies at the time and I also didn’t see.

In 2003, he was in Freaky Friday, so I guess that was the remake or something? I didn’t realize Lindsay Lohan was that old. I mean, she looks haggard and all, but I always assumed that was the rampant drug abuse.

Also, she's 47!

Anyway, he continued his guest-starring streak, with roles on The Shield, ER and Cold Case, as well as Smallville in 2008, which always did like throwing fans a bone and giving roles to the old movie cast.

(What do you mean it’s still not canceled? Are you sure?)

Also in 2008, he had a role in Proud American and in Frost/Nixon.

And what’s he been doing since then?

Well, that’s a good question, because I don’t know. He does appear to be alive, but that’s really all I know. I’m sorry I have failed you all.

To cheer you up, here's a 2010 photo of Marc McClure with a small dog that is wearing a scarf.

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Belinda, where have you gone-gone?

March 22, 2011 at 11:13 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, )

I hope you see what I did with the post title there, and made a reference to The Go-Gos, because this post is all about Belinda Carlisle and where’s she at now?

Also featured in this post: this fabulous 1980s hairstyle. Please enjoy.

For those of you who didn’t live through the ’80s (you poor, poor bastards), The Go-Gos were the best girl band ever. For proof, please see: Beat, We got the.

Every Heart fan is wrong.

We also love Our Lips are Sealed. Yes we do.

And we love this adorable Rolling Stone cover.

Tragically, the Go-Gos broke up in 1985, and Belinda went on to a solo career. That was probably good news for Ms. Carlisle, as she had even more hits as a solo artist than she did with The Go-Gos, like Mad About You and Heaven is a Place on Earth, which we don’t like as well as The Go-Gos’ works, but still get stuck in our heads anyway.

I Get Weak is probably the A-#1 offender for songs that are stuck in our heads right now.

Oh, and in 1984, Belinda Carlisle was in Swing Shift with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, which I don’t think I have ever seen, not even when I was going through my Kurt Russell phase, which led to my Goldie Hawn phase. Here is a link to the cast list, and believe me when I say “just keep scrolling down.”

Seriously, keep scrolling.

But back to Belinda’s pop career, which was ever so much more successful than her film career. Or was for her first two albums. In 1989, Carlisle released an album called Runaway Horses. Don’t worry; we’ve never heard of it either. 1991 brought her fourth solo album, Live Your Life Be Free, which really needs some punctuation to save it. These albums were more successful in Europe than in America, because Europe loves everything America is apathetic towards, I guess.

Like having countries with names no one can pronounce! Ha ha, zing!

There was a fifth solo album, Real, and a sixth, A Woman and a Man, and it really seems like she just gave up on good album titles. Although her band was called The Go-Gos, so it’s not like naming stuff was ever really her thing anyway.

Then, in 2001, there was a Go-Gos reunion !!! that I completely missed, and they released an album that had a song written by that guy from Green Day. It was during this time that Belinda posed completely nude for Playboy. Don’t worry, this post will still be waiting while you google that.

Here's a sample, though, in case you're lazy.

Voila, Belinda’s seventh solo album, was released in 2007, and is a collection of French pop songs, because she lives in France now. Or did in 2007.

Like many celebrities, when she’s not busy recording songs in French, Belinda likes to take the time to revive her flagging fame by appearing on reality TV shows, and was the first “star” to be eliminated from the eighth season of Dancing with the Stars. But you’ve seen her dance in her videos, so you kind of had to be expecting that.

Also, Belinda Carlisle is a spokesperson for NutriSystem, so that’s something.

Yup, Belinda and ... whoever these other ladies are.

Ooooh, ooooh, and in August 2011, Belinda and the rest of The Go-Gos are getting a Hollywood star! You know who else has one of those?

If you answered: Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell, you are absolutely correct!

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Wedge Antilles was always my favorite character, after Han Solo

March 15, 2011 at 11:10 am (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , )

In the Star Wars trilogy (there are no prequels! The prequels are dead to me!), if there was one thing any of us noticed, it’s that if your name wasn’t Han, Leia, Luke or Chewbacca, things weren’t going to turn out so well for you in the end. I’d include R2-D2 and C3-PO (I can seriously never remember where the damn hyphen goes, and I can seriously never get myself to care enough to google the correct answer) in that list, but those are less “names” and more “identifying model numbers.”

Less than half this poster survived. (I'm counting the people in the space vehicles too, if you think my math is off.)

That is, except for Wedge Antilles, the only non-main character to survive the whole damn thing.

(And don’t tell me they killed him off in one of the Star Wars novels, I don’t even want to know.)

Wedge, the heroic pilot who helped blow up a Death Star or two, was played by Ewan McGregor’s uncle, Denis Lawson. I just realized it’s been so long since I cared about Ewan McGregor that I originally spelled his last name MacGregor. I am so embarrassed.

But this post isn’t about Ewan McGregor, so who cares if I spell his name wrong?

"I care."

It’s about Denis Lawson, and whatever happened to him anyway?

Well, it turns out that whatever happened to him is that he’s led a very long and successful career, and I just forgot what he looks like.

Well, he was always wearing a helmet. It was hard to tell.

But I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let’s find out what got Lawson to where he is today. (Which, as I mentioned before, is successful.)

Lawson’s career began at the ripe young age of 22, with a role as Andy Donald in Dr. Finlay’s Casebook, a television show from 1969. There were other TV series and made-for-TV movies on the horizon, and Lawson took those roles like a champ. There were quite a lot of them, so please excuse me for not listing them, except for 1977′s Seven Faces of Woman, because that is a silly name.

You know what else happened in 1977? Star Wars: A New Hope happened in 1977. Also Holocaust 2000, where Lawson’s role was as “2nd journalist,” so probably nothing to really write home about, except maybe to say, “Dear Mom, thanks to my role as 2nd journalist in Holocaust 2000, I could afford to buy toilet paper this week. Love, Denis.”

"Dear Denis, If you need toilet paper, just ask. A care package is coming soon. Love, Mom."

More TV series followed, like 1978′s Armchair Thriller, leading me to realize that Lawson has been in a LOT of European television shows, so no wonder I thought he had started selling real estate or something. 1980 brought The Empire Strikes Back, and Wedge Antilles continued to earn our love by not dying horrifically, and then it was back to television, including something called The Good Companions.

God bless 'im.

In 1983, Lawson made one last trip back to the Star Wars universe for The Return of the Jedi, and then it was back to European television and off my radar forever. He did have a role in a movie called Fried Crumbed Brains in 1996, which was an Italian film, judging by everyone’s last names but his. So nobody saw that either. Maybe some Italians.

Something on this plate is brains.

Then more television, and I can’t believe America hasn’t grabbed this guy yet. What the hell? In 2006, he had a guest bit on a show called Feel the Force, which possibly had nothing to do with Star Wars. He’s also been in a TV show called Jekyll and one called The Passion, and also Mumbai Calling.

OK, I officially NEVER want to watch Mumbai Calling.

The most exciting thing for me was learning that he had a guest role on Law and Order: UK in 2009 because that means there is a Law and Order: UK.

Now, let's all laugh at British judges and their silly little ties, eh?

Lawson’s most recent effort is a little television series called Marchlands, so there you have it. Our boy Wedge continues to live, love and fight the good fight, except it’s in the UK or somewhere, so we never really knew.

I'm sorry, Mr. Lawson. Wedge 4-EVAH!

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I know two things about Kate Capshaw

March 8, 2011 at 7:06 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , )

One is that she can scream like a champ, and the other is that she is married to Steven Spielberg.

She's not screaming in this picture, but you can be sure she's about to.

But now, thanks to the power of the internets, we can all learn more about the lovely Ms. Capshaw, like what the heck she’s been up to lately.

I can only assume it involves lots of hair care, because her mane looks GREAT.

Kate Capshaw, for those of you not in the know, is best known for her role as Willie Scott in the Temple of Doom, one of the three best Indiana Jones films ever made. But her career didn’t start there, unlike that of her co-star Jonathan Ke “Shortround” Quan. No, Capshaw first burst onto the scene in 1981 on some television show I’ve never heard of: The Edge of Night. Fittingly, she followed that up with a 1982 film called A Little Sex. I say “fittingly” because some people like to have a little sex at the edge of night.

THEN she starred in The Temple of Doom, and remember how they totally didn’t rip her heart out before sacrificing her? That’s always bothered me. I mean, I know Indy had to save his romantic interest, and it’s hard to do when her heart’s been ripped out, but it still bugs me.

I mean, c'mon, they ripped out that one guy's heart!

Moving right along, Capshaw (who has a degree in education and actually did teach special education at a couple of different schools) followed up Temple of Doom with Best Defense, a movie that stars Dudley Moore and Eddie Murphy and that, for the life of me, I cannot remember having ever heard of before now.

Also, there was a tank in it? Or at least a drawing of one?

After that was Dreamscape with Dennis Quaid and Windy City, which I can only assume was an indie film, because she is the only person in the cast that I have ever heard of. So 1984 was a good year for Capshaw.

In 1986, there was Power with Richard Gere, and SpaceCamp, which I think everyone who was a schoolchild during that era saw when their teachers ran out of lesson plans.

"Today we're studying how to shut the hell up and watch a movie while Mrs. Appleworth nurses a hangover. Shut the hell up, kids."

Then there were a few TV movies, like The Quick and The Dead and Her Secret Life. Coincidentally (not ironically), she starred in a regular movie, Private Affairs, in 1987, and followed that up with the TV movie Internal Affairs in 1988. It’s coincidental because they both have the word “affairs” in them, that’s why.

(Why did I feel the need to explain that?)

1989 brought Black Rain, which I was going to skip over, but then saw it was directed by Ridley Scott and starred Andy Garcia and Michael Douglas, so I guess it deserves a mention. I am totally going to skip 1990′s Love at Large, though. In 1991, she was in My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys, and followed that up with a two-year break before starring in the short-lived television series Black Tie Affair.

Then there was some stuff I don’t care about, then How to Make an American Quilt, which I also don’t care about, but probably your grandma loved it.

Are they still called "chick flicks" if all the chicks watching are over 70?

Then 1997′s The Locusts, which I was assuming was about killer locusts until I read the plot synopsis and saw the phrase “deadly yet erotic love triangle.” So I guess there could be killer locusts, but there probably aren’t. Also, the movie had Ashley Judd and Vince Vaughan, so I’m glad I missed it. In 1999, she starred in The Love Letter, which is notable only for a young cast member named Jessica Capshaw, Kate’s daughter, who apparently has a recurring role on Grey’s Anatomy.

The only thing that would make your parents prouder than you growing up to be a doctor is you growing up to be an actor who plays a doctor on TV.

In 2001, Capshaw had a role in some TV movie that I’m not even going to bother mentioning by name, and then another TV movie followed in 2002. And then … she completely disappeared off the face of the earth, seriously what happened to Kate Capshaw? There is no mention of her doing anything after 2002, and I am beginning to suspect foul play, Spielberg.

(I’m really surprised that nobody heard her screams.)

Except maybe this snake.

Oh, wait, good news! She attended the Golden Globes with her husband in January 2011. So she’s fine. Totally fine.

Look at this: breathing and everything.

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Where you at, Warren?

February 28, 2011 at 1:10 pm (Whatever happened to ...?) (, , , , )

I remember the late ’90s. Back when a young Brit named Warren Ellis caught the attention of the world with his wicked take on the future, Transmetropolitan.

It was about a journalist in the future, but we now know better. There's no such thing as journalism.

I never actually liked Transmetropolitan, but I can wholeheartedly assure you that I loved/love a lot of his other works: Planetary (yeah, you already knew that, didn’t you), The Authority, Global Frequency, Red, Nextwave, Fell, etc.

What's this? An excuse to use an image of Elijah Snow? Don't mind if I do!

But, damn, it’s been, like, two years since the last issue of Fell came out. What happened to Warren?

It's also been at least that long since I read an issue, so what the hell is this series about?

Before we find that out, let’s learn about his origins! They’re less interesting than, say, Batman’s, but more interesting than, say, mine. He was born in Essex, England, in 1968, and remembers the moon landing as one of his first clear memories. According to an interview, before he began his career writing comic books, he worked some of the “shittiest jobs you can imagine,” a list that fails to include hotel maid, fast food worker and obituary clerk. (That’s right, folks, every career move I’ve made has been lateral.)

In 1990, a six-page short story written by Ellis appeared in a British independent magazine, Deadline. Well, it didn’t appear there like by magic or anything: he submitted it, it was accepted and published. His first ongoing work, Lazarus Churchyard, was published in Blast!, a short-lived magazine (probably due to putting an exclamation point in its name).

By 1994, Ellis was working for Marvel comics, writing a bunch of stuff I don’t really care about but you can google if you like, and then moved to DC, where he worked on Stormwatch, and gave the world Jenny Sparks. God bless that man.

I've got the bitchy part down. I just need to master the hero part, and I can be Jenny for Halloween.

In addition to the stuff I listed, Ellis also wrote a lot of independent titles (yes, even more independent than Fell) and a novel, Crooked Little Vein, that was published in 2007.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but yeah, it's pretty strange.

And, OK, fine, he updates his web site, like, daily, even when he’s in Germany, so it’s not like he’s disappeared off the face of the planet or anything.

So what’s he been up to lately? Well, it appears he’s been working on a web comic called FreakAngels, and also has been writing The Astonishing X-Men, which I guess I would’ve known if I hadn’t thought Whedon was still writing it, so shame on me for being a crappy fan.

Anyway, it appears the answer to my query is that Mssr. Ellis is where he’s always been, and if I’d stalked him more faithfully, I would’ve known that.

Also, I'd've known he looks that cool dressed as the man in black.

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