No alternate universes here!

Oh, sure, in the first couple of episodes, they don’t exactly spell it out for you, so you could be forgiven for thinking at first that some woman has just stolen the identity of her long-lost twin, but then more and more clones show up, and then they do spell it out for you, so there you go.

Orphan Black is a television show about clones.

Our main clone (played by Tatiana Maslany, as are all the clones, which has got to save serious money on the casting side of things) is Sarah, who is a jerk. Really! The show opens with her bitching about how somebody doesn’t want her to see the daughter that she abandoned almost a year ago and then she sees her look-alike commit suicide right before her eyes, and her first reaction is to steal the dead woman’s identity.

So many clones!
(I know four doesn’t seem like a lot, but how many clones do YOU have?)

But despite her basic horribleness, you kind of end up rooting for Sarah, because she is willing to do things like swallow liquid soap and have kitchen-counter sex just to keep her identity theft secret. That’s commitment!

Then more clones start showing up: The redheaded German, who coughs up blood and then gets shot in the brains; Alison, the soccer mom, who is having a slow nervous breakdown that leads her to an awful act (non-act?) by the end of the season; Cosima, dreadlocked science-y clone; Helena, the crazy Jesus Freak murder-y clone; and then the new one at the end of the season that I already forgot her name.

I’d heard some really good things about Orphan Black. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that, lest you think I actually talk to people. I read some really good things online about Orphan Black, so I thought I’d give it a try. After watching the first episode, I was like, “meh, that’s not as good as the Internet says,” and then I watched the second episode, and then the third and then the fourth and then the season was over.

It’s a brisk 10 episodes long, so: pretty easy to watch in one sitting, three sittings tops.

There were some really great moments in it, like when Helena cuts off some guy’s tail (don’t ask), or when Sarah’s foster brother plays gay bartender at Alison’s neighborhood potluck, and then there’s some ridiculous stuff, like Sarah’s special little girl getting hit by a car (Eh, spoiler alert, even though you’ll totally see it coming) and the part where Helena cuts off some guy’s tail (don’t ask)….

“Seriously. Don’t ask.”

And while the show itself didn’t give me the warm fuzzies like Fringe did, it is a nice science fiction-y diversion and, like Fringe and Battlestar Galactica before it, it’s easy to forget that’s the same actor playing all those roles.

Terrible wigs aside.

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is go ahead and watch Orphan Black already.

Yup, that’s what I’m saying, all right.

There’s some kind of bulimia joke in here, but it’ll take a better writer than I to make it.

Set in a future somewhere between dystopia and utopia (so, just “the future,” then, I guess), America has become a magical wonderland filled with unicorns and candy because one night a year, crime is legal. Also, there’s no unicorns and hardly any candy.

“What happened to all the candy?”

Future Ethan Hawke, who looks like he could stand to gain a few pounds, lives with his family in a big fancy house with lots of security. They love The Purge, because no one has ever killed them during it. Also, I have to wonder, if all crime is legal one night a year, couldn’t one of Ethan Hawke’s employees, like, totally embezzle all the moneys from his nice security business and he couldn’t do anything about it?

Anyway, logic aside, Ethan Hawke (who is seriously looking pretty skeletal) and his creepy family (I mean, come on! Look at that little boy! Creepy!) are locked up safe and sound in their house when one of the kids grows a conscience or something, and lets a guy in to safety.

I think it’s the dead eyes, like a haunted doll’s.

Then the murderous thugs show up in scary masks because of course the murderous thugs show up in scary masks.

Of course, because all crime is legal that night, I can only assume they’re wearing scary masks so the next day, they won’t have to put up with their neighbors going: “Oh, Helen, your lipstick last night when you were murdering that innocent man was so gauche!”

And one of Ethan Hawke’s creepy children says “Things will never be all right again,” like, maybe this didn’t occur to you before in your nice house, but lots of people are getting killed out there, so at least your creepy little brother was being proactive and not a sociopath.

In the end, it looks like the murderous thugs in scary masks get into their house and probably they get killed or do some killing, I don’t know, and why won’t someone feed Ethan Hawke a cheeseburger?

“I’m so terribly hungry.”

So The Purge is either some kind of failed social commentary or just a scary movie with a lame premise. It’s hard to be sure.

Meh, it’s probably both.

I think there might be something wrong with me.

Here is a list of those movies, in no particular order:

1. Robocop

Because Benedict Cumberbatch already killed Robocop with his bare hands, and they’re planning on remaking it anyway, so why not, you know?

But in my version, we get to see his face, like, all the time.

2. Terminator 2

The original Terminator would be OK too, but I really think of Benedict Cumberbatch as a liquid metal type of emotionless android rather than an old-school Schwarzenegger-type.

Also, I’m afraid if I heard the words “Come with me if you want to live” in Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice, I would probably just die.
Seriously, I have an illness.

3. Taken

I don’t know much about Taken, except that Liam Neeson hurts a lot of people in it, so I would be fine with a shot-for-shot remake of Benedict Cumberbatch doing the same.

They wouldn’t even have to change the costuming because I AM MENTALLY ILL.

4. The Bourne movies

I know even less about the Bourne movies than I do about Taken, except that Matt Damon is not as attractive as Benedict Cumberbatch.

Like, see? I forgot this one even existed.

5.The Thing

Not that I think The Thing needed to be remade, because it didn’t and it doesn’t, but I wouldn’t mind seeing Benedict Cumberbatch kill aliens with a flamethrower.

Should I seek professional help?

6. Sherlock Holmes

Both the first one and the other one, not that I think they’re good movies, but Benedict Cumberbatch makes a wonderful Sherlock Holmes and I wuv him.

As if you didn’t already know.

7. Batman

Because, unlike Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t look permanently teenaged, so I could totally buy him as a masked avenger.

Sherlock Holmes > Batman.

8. Versus

Hah, no, I’m kidding. Versus is practically perfect in every way.

It’s the Mary Poppins of movies.
Actually, Mary Poppins is the Mary Poppins of movies, but Versus is still quite good, despite a marked lack of “Chim-Chim-Chiree.”

9. The Matrix

Bullet-time Cumberbatch!

What time is it?
It’s BULLET Time!

10. Star Trek: Into Darkness

OK, I know this movie was just released, and also that Benedict Cumberbatch is actually in it, but now is the time for the producers to remedy their grievous error and re-insert the shower scene.

Also, they could just keep New Captain Kirk dead this time and start a whole new series: Evil Sherlock Holmes’ Adventures in Space.

Wikipedia says a lot of things.

That … is a terrible combination of things.

And it is made worse (of course) by Will Smith wanting this to be a starring vehicle for his son, who does seem like a very nice boy, but maybe not quite ready for all these leading roles? Like, let him work his way up to it, huh, Will Smith?

Look at that face, Will Smith! He so obviously is only doing this to please you!

Anyway: After Earth. Will Smith stars as *snigger* Cypher Raige, because Will Smith is an 8-year-old boy, and Will Smith’s son stars as Kaita Raige, but I think he maybe really is an 8-year-old boy, and, also, that’s not his fault. The Raiges *snort* are on a mission to return to Earth, because this is the future and in every movie about the future this year, except that one with Evil Sherlock Holmes, has abandoned earth. Then there’s a terrible ship wreck and Kaita Raige *chuckle* has to learn to fight his fear and also a bunch of giant mutant animals because the tagline of the movie is: Danger is Real. Fear is a Choice.

Actually, I’m pretty sure Fear is a Biological Response.

Also, there’s not a twist, so that’s something.

Unless the twist is that it’s possible to do better CGI than this, but no one on this movie bothered.

(If that is your real name, which, spoiler alert, it’s not.)

(Seriously, though, everybody guessed it, so it’s not a spoiler alert at all.)

Let me start over:

Dear “John Harrison,”

Can I touch your face?

Um, like, a lot?

No, really. Could I?

You see, “John Harrison,” there are many things I love about you, and many of them are right there on your face, like your insanely high cheekbones and those eyes and *deep, girlish sigh*….

Of course, that’s not all I love about you. I also enjoy your height. That’s quite nice. And your hair is good also.

Your badass poses are also doing it for me, I have to admit.

Oooh, ooh, and the way you killed Robocop! That was great. Also the way you punched a lot of people while you’re wearing black, and the way you killed a lot of Klingons while you were wearing black and also those boots you wore. (Which were black.)

Somehow, the boots look better on you than on New Captain Kirk or Sylar from Heroes.

I also love the way you totally caused the death of New Captain Kirk (although I’m less enamored of the way it’s your fault he came back to life) and the way you put a hurting on Sylar from Heroes. That was really hot, and I want you to know I am down with you attempting to kill the crew of the USS Enterprise because, with the exception of Scottie, they’re all kind of annoying.

Actually, if you could spare Uhura too, because she’s sooooo pretty and kind of badass, I’d appreciate it.

Anyway, KAAAAHHHHHNNNN!!!!, er, I mean “JOHHHHHHHHNNNN!!!!”, I hope you will consider my proposal for your hand. Or, if not, please, please, please can I touch your face?

Please?

Pictured here: All my hopes and dreams as a fangirl realized.

So, play by play of the movie:

The Enterprise crew does something on a planet and Sylar from Heroes nearly dies, which makes his girlfriend, Hot Actress Whose Name I Don’t Know, kind of sad and angry. Then they go back to earth and OH MY GOD SO MUCH TALKING WHEN WILL THE EXPLOSIONS BEGIN and then Benedict Cumberbatch saves a little girl’s life so her dad can kill some other people, like, YEA, THINGS ARE BLOWING UP FINALLY. Then Benedict Cumberbatch kills some more people, including New Captain Kirk’s boss/friend or somebody (didn’t see first Star Trek reboot film; probably won’t; not sorry; except about excessive use of semi-colons), but he doesn’t kill Robocop, who is also in this movie, YEA ROBOCOP!

*breathes*

Then New Captain Kirk and everybody EXCEPT Simon Pegg goes off to kill Benedict Cumberbatch, which probably is because Simon Pegg likes Sherlock too, because he’s awesome like that. But then they don’t kill  Benedict Cumberbatch, which is good, because who would keep watching this movie if Evil Sherlock Holmes was dead? So they fight some Klingons, because what fun is a Star Trek movie without murdering Klingons (except maybe some of the Next Generation ones, I guess), and then Benedict Cumberbatch (who went and hid on a Klingon planet for some reason) comes out and OH MY GOD HURTS SO MANY PEOPLE I HAVE A NEW FETISH. Then he reveals that he’s KAHHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!, which everyone already knew, so I’m not putting a spoiler alert, go suck, and he’s like, Robocop wanted you to shoot these torpedoes at the enemy planet to start a war, it’s all his fault, and then I had to go, “Wait, how did he know you’d go running off to the Klingon planet? Was that part of his plan, too? Dammit, I wasn’t expecting to nitpick anything because I don’t know anything about Star Trek but that’s just illogical!!”

“It sure was awesome when you killed all those Klingons, though!”

*breathes*

But then I just went with it, because Benedict Cumberbatch. Also, Simon Pegg came back, and I was in my happy place. (Apparently, my happy place is in, like, the United Kingdom, which is populated by Cumberbatches and Peggs and is a land of magic and wonder….) Oh, also, Evil Sherlock Holmes was totally right that Robocop was trying to start a war with the Klingons, and then everybody on the Enterprise almost dies, but then they don’t because Simon Pegg saves the day, and then they almost do, except SHERLOCK HOLMES TOTALLY MURDERS ROBOCOP.

(P.S. BEST SENTENCE EVER!!!)

Evil Sherlock Holmes has even floppier hair than Non-Evil Sherlock Holmes.

Then some other stuff happens, but I don’t really remember it because I was too busy replaying the scenes of Benedict Cumberbatch hurting people in my head, but then New Captain Kirk dies, except I totally called he wasn’t dead because of the KAAAAAHHHHHHHNNNNN!!!! blood they injected in the Tribble, and then (THEN!!) Benedict Cumberbatch hurts THE HELL out of Sylar from Heroes, which was so AWESOME because costuming put him in a trenchcoat, and I think I’m getting the vapors.

*Fans self*

Make them pay, Evil Sherlock Holmes! Make them all pay!!

Then Benedict Cumberbatch/Evil Sherlock Holmes/KAAAAAHHHHHNNNN!!!! is put back into cryogenic sleep and then I kind of fell asleep because Stupid New Captain Kirk started talking again and wouldn’t shut up. Then the movie was over.

Also, I didn’t sit through the credits, so if it ends with something like Benedict Cumberbatch’s eyes springing open in his cryogenic tube, I am going to be SO MAD.

Even madder than when I learned about the cut Benedict Cumberbatch shower scene, because WHO CUTS A BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH SHOWER SCENE?

It was a great sacrifice, and I deserve all the praise you care to heap upon me.

Of course, it wasn’t quite as exciting to watch as it might have been if I’d seen it back when it came out, or even back before Pete Postlethwaite (God rest your talented soul, sir!!) died, or even before I read multiple articles telling me exactly what happened. (On a related note, if you’ve been spoiled for The Sixth Sense, it turns out it’s kind of a boring movie.)

I mean, it’s so obvious that he’s a ghost all along when somebody already told you.

But the special effects were awesome and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, despite appearing eternally 15, actually pulls off a suit quite well.

Also, I think he can fly.

Cillian Murphy was great and beautiful, as always, and Leonardo DiCaprio was puffy but awesome (seriously, despite him not being my type at all, I’ve admired his acting ability ever since The Basketball Diaries, so now you know that I am well and truly old), and Shadowcat had the name Ariadne for some reason (like, maybe her fictional parents were as into Greek mythology as I am?).

A photo of Cillian Murphy, because Cillian Murphy has cheekbones that could kill, that’s why.

However, I know you didn’t come here to hear my opinions on the actor’s talents/good looks. You came here to find out the answer to the eternal question: Was it all a dream?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Like, OBVIOUSLY, you guys.

I submit that: No. No, there is not.

Seriously, though, the new Star Trek movie looks really awesome in certain spots, like the parts that have my TV boyfriend, Evil Sherlock Holmes, and also the parts that have Simon Pegg because SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!

To reiterate: SQUEEEE SIMON PEGG!

Wait, that wasn’t very serious at all.

The trailer, which I linked to above for your clicking pleasure, is all overwrought with oh my god what will New Captain Kirk do and his obsession will kill us all and it’s like who can get behind a guy with eyebrows like that, you know?

“My eyebrows will stop your terrorist ways, Evil Sherlock Holmes.”

And then Evil Holmes swoops in all awesomely, and I totally can’t go see this movie in the theaters because I’ll be rooting for the terrorist to win, which makes me profoundly unAmerican, I guess.

But you guys tell me how it is, and then tell me when the Internet makes a version that cuts out all the non-Benedict Cumberbatch scenes, and I’ll watch that one.

I guess they can leave in the Simon Pegg scenes too.

Me: Wait, what?

The Internet: You know, love! We love this thing that we found on the Internet!

Me: And it’s a heart, you say?

The Internet: Of course it’s a heart! It’s got the two curves, the pointy end thing …. Why? What did you think it was?

Me: … Oh, nothing.

The Internet: Come on, you can tell us.

Me: Well, it’s got this pointy thing and then two dangly round things, and ….

The Internet: And we thought we had a dirty mind.

Yeah, I’m sorry, but I really thought it meant “that’s so awesome I want it to have my babies.”