Possibly I took the wrong lesson from “A Christmas Carol”
Whenever I’m about fed up with humanity and mention my impending mass murders, I quote Scrooge’s line about decreasing the surplus population.
I mean, that’s what the story was about, right?
Killin’?
Right?
That, and assaulting muppets. Right? RIGHT?
Scrooge vs. The Grinch
You know, I’ve always wondered if the Grinch was the only Grinch, like there was once a race of Grinches, and he was the last one or maybe there were others but they just didn’t like him, or if The Grinch was his name.
Not enough to actually find out, though, no siree.
Anyway! Welcome to a near-Christmas edition of Fictional Character Battles! Featuring Ebenezer Scrooge and The Grinch!
You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. A nasty-wasty sort!
I have no idea who this actor is.
(On a related note, was “Ebenezer” ever a popular thing to name your child, or did Dickens just make it up?)
On to the battle of the two Christmas curmudgeons!
Physicality. Man, this category is getting to be a real albatross around my neck. *Sigh.* The Grinch is a green furry guy who doesn’t wear clothing, so is probably closer to animal than human. Also, he was played in a (craptacular) live-action movie by Jim Carrey, who is definitely closer to animal than human. On the other hand, Ebenezer Scrooge was once played by Michael Caine, who not only beat you up and stole your girlfriend, but looked supra-classy while doing it, too. AND he was 65. Winner? Michael Caine … er, Scrooge.
Also, Capt. Picard portrayed the guy. That's, like, 12,000 times the hot of Jim Carrey.
Anti-Christmas spirit ranking. Man, did Scrooge hate Christmas. Did he ever! With the “bah, humbug”-ing and the kicking little orphans in the kneecaps, he was a real …. Crap, I just realized that we describe people who don’t like Christmas as either Scrooges or Grinches. This sucks. Anyway, Scrooge was a jerk who hated Christmas, his employees and the welfare system. (Insert “big business” joke here.) The Grinch? Well, let’s just quote Dr. Seuss, here, shall we? “Every Who Down in Who-ville Liked Christmas a lot… But the Grinch, Who lived just North of Who-ville, Did NOT! The Grinch hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.” Boy howdy! Of course, Scrooge is just generally unpleasant about the holiday and rude to his cute little nephew, while the Grinch actively tries to ruin Christmas for the Whos down in Who-ville. Winner? The Grinch.
Was terrifyingly portrayed by Jim Carrey? Gods, both of them were. That’s so horrible. Winner? It’s a tie. A horrible, horrible tie.
In fact, it's so horrible that I refuse to use a photo of Jim Carrey to illustrate the point. Instead, enjoy the cute dog and Cindy Lou Who! Cute!
Had the best supporting cast of characters? Well, the Grinch only ever interacted with the Whos of Who-ville and his really cute dog. Scrooge, however, had an abundance of folk with whom he interacted. From Kermit the Frog to Fozzie Bear, he was surrounded by Muppets. Of course, if you’re not referring to the classic Christmas Carol (the Muppet one!), then he hung out with ghosts, moppets (similar to muppets, but slightly less puppet-y) and some other people. Winner? Scrooge, ’cause anybody who celebrates Christmas with ghosts is my kind of soldier. (It’s a Guided by Voices song. The phrase just popped into my head.)
Everyone hates the Christmas bunny.
Biggest Christmas turnaround? Boy, there’s nothing like knowing you’re in for an afterlife of torment and chains to change your mind about the whole “spirit of the season” thing is there? Also, singing Whos do the same thing. Everybody’s hearts grew three sizes that day! Winner? We’re all winners when people feel the Christmas spirit! Also, it’s a tie.
Overall winner? Scrooge, because Michael Caine.
Is there a word more awesome than awesome to describe Michael Caine? If so, pretend that I used that word instead.
You need to know that I hate Jim Carrey
Why do you need to know that? That’s a good question. Mostly, I figure it’s because my opinions are supra-important and everyone should know what they are. Also, it puts this post into some sort of context.
(I should mention you also need to know that I hate those creepy animated films where the people almost look like people, but not quite.)
I shall not be seeing Disney’s A Christmas Carol. Look, the Muppets already did it, and they got Michael Caine, so the Muppets win.
Michael Caine: Kicking your ass since 1964.
In fact, I was already planning on avoiding it before I even saw the trailer, which is like pre-judging my pre-judging. But for you, my dear readers (you like that? I’m going for a Victorian style today … failing a bit, but you know), I prevailed. Or did I travail? No, I prevailed and watched the trailer, which was a travail in itself.
Because the director directed Back to the Future (Hooray!), Forest Gump (meh) and The Polar Express (GAAAHHHH!). Seriously, they list that he directed The Polar Express like that’s a good thing, and not like it’s the horroriest non-horror movie ever made. I mean, Cripes! Can you imagine being surrounded by that many Tom Hanks(es)? It’s horrifying, isn’t it? You’re going to have trouble sleeping at night because what if your spouse/significant other/mommy comes to peek in at you and looks like Tom Hanks! Gah! I say again: GAH!
Mommy?
(And, I might add, it’s an animated Tom Hanks that looks more like a robot ate Tom Hanks than Tom Hanks itself, so it’s even more creepy.)
MOMMY?!!!
So that’s a mark against Disney’s A Christmas Carol.
Then they went and gave the starring role to Jim Carrey. Whom I hate. Whom is even creepier (no, wait, maybe that should be who). Who is even creepier as an animated character than Tom Hanks was.
"I have an idea, Frank!" "What's that, Bob?" "Let's make a Jim Carrey animated picture where he's EVEN uglier than in real life!" "Why would we do that, Bob?" "Hell, Frank, I don't know."
Good work, Disney! You bastards.
There’s plenty of Christmas Carols out there, and the best one of those is The Muppet Christmas Carol. Because it has Michael Caine. Also Muppets.
You just keep expecting him to go on a Muppet-killing rampage, you know?
Oh, or you could watch the classic black and white one, whatever. Just don’t watch this, that’s all I’m saying.
Oooh, and also, you should remember how A Christmas Carol begins.
“Marley was dead, to begin with…. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.”
Gods, what a great beginning.
