A secret history of Amanda Seyfried’s bad choices

February 24, 2012 at 11:01 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, )

OK, so it’s not a secret, really. I mean, we’ve all seen Amanda Seyfried pick terrible, horrible, awful movies to star in. And that’s OK, Amanda! Even beautiful and talented people have to pay bills! We understand. We do.

Wait ... why do you have to pay bills again? Don't people just look at you and want to give you things for free?

But don’t you think by now you’ve maybe saved up enough money you could say no to things like Gone? Or maybe you need someone to help you manage your money so you don’t have to take everything that comes your way?

Look, I know they're calling it "thrilling" and "heart taking," but ... Wait, why are they calling it "heart taking," anyway? That doesn't even make sense.

I think you’re great, Amanda Seyfried, and a lot of that has to do with residual love for dead Lily from Veronica Mars, because, since then … well … Dear John? Jennifer’s Body? Red Riding Hood? Can’t you throw a quality indie flick in there once in a while? (Unless it was Letters to Juliet, in which case, I’d prefer a blockbuster action film, then.)

So, anyway, in Gone, Amanda Seyfried, you play a girl who was abducted by a serial killer, but you got away and now he’s come back for you except he got your sister instead and the cops won’t listen to you. So you have 12 hours to find her omigod will you make it in time?

But what’s really bugging me, Amanda Seyfried, is the scene where you’re driving along on the phone (that’s dangerous, Amanda! Stop it!) and the man on the other end of the line says: “Who is this?” And you say: “You know who this is. And I know who you are.”

So why did it take you so long to find a guy that tried to murder you a year ago?

Obviously, the authorities weren’t going to do anything about it, so you just decided to sit back and wait for him to kill more girls? I mean, seriously, if you were able to find this guy in 12 hours (and I know it’s 12 hours, because the trailer makes a big deal about you only having 12 hours), then why didn’t you do it sooner? You knew the cops didn’t believe you, so track the guy down yourself and then we could have a movie about how you killed the guy that tried to kill you instead of this one.

Excuse me for a moment, Amanda, whilst I go copyright that plot. My movie will be AWESOME. You can star in it, if you want.

Not that I blame you for that, Amanda Seyfried. It was clearly writer Allison Burnett’s fault.

I could never blame someone this pretty. Unless she was mean to me in high school. Then I could blame her a lot.

But maybe it’s something to consider in the future? Like, when you’re thinking of saying yes to every single script ever?

PS: When you die, can I have your hair? I promise I wouldn't do anything awful with it.

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Resisting urge to pun: In Time is a movie that opens this weekend

October 28, 2011 at 11:39 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , )

Reviews haven’t been too kind to In Time, calling it a Logan’s Run imitation and other such things. But I’ve never seen Logan’s Run, which I completely meant to do that one time when I was watching Soylent Green and stuff, but didn’t. I can’t remember why not. I’m still planning to getting around to it someday!

You and Clockwork Orange, I swear.

Anyway, my point is that I personally can’t compare the In Time trailer to Logan’s Run, because I’ve got nothing to go on except people die young and Logan runs. (Unless it’s one of those movies where the name has nothing to do with the movie, I guess. Then I know even less than that.)

In Time stars Justin Timberlake, who I think was a pop star once, and is bothering me less and less as a leading-man type.

Like in this scene, where he's apparently channeling James Bond.

It’s also got Amanda Seyfried with just the cutest little bob!

SUCH a cute bob!

And, most importantly, and the thing that is convincing me this is a film I need to see: it’s got Cillian Murphy.

“Cillian Murphy’s in a movie?” I said when I saw the cast list. “I love him in those.”

I also love him in photographs. His cheekbones could rule the world.

Also, he seems to be shooting at the hero a lot, which makes this my favorite kind of Cillian Murphy movie: One wherein he is a badass.

Leather. Gun. Bad ASS.

In Time also seems to star Olivia Wilde, whose fame I just don’t get still. She’s beautiful, but I think she’s just a terrible actress. Is she getting better or something? Or are they just casting her to type: Beautiful, incredibly wooden woman who has only one facial expression?

I don't know. Does "At least she's not Megan Fox" sound more like a compliment or an insult?

But ignoring Olivia Wilde for the moment, the plot of the movie seems to be that people in the future (alternate universe? different world?) don’t have money. They have time. Everybody stops aging at 25, which doesn’t explain Cillian Murphy, but I don’t care because he’s beautiful at any age (so far, anyway), and rich people can live basically forever. Although I think they can get killed by accidents and murder and stuff, or else why would Cillian Murphy be shooting at Justin Timberlake? (I guess it could be because he just likes to hurt people and watch them not die, actually.) Justin Timberlake is poor, so he’s going to die at 26, which is the cutoff for some reason, but then the guy from Chuck and White Collar gives him all his time and dies instead, so newly-immortal Justin Timberlake goes all Robin Hood and hooks up with Amanda Seyfried, as we all would do, given the means.

I know I'd trade places with Justin Timberlake in this poster in a heartbeat.

The trailer makes it look pretty fun, like chase scene after chase scene with a few Amanda Seyfried gettin’ naked scenes thrown in and Cillian Murphy shooting stuff just to spice things up. So … maybe it’s worth your checking out? I mean, Cillian Murphy is in it, and I love when he’s in movies and stuff.

And in leather trenchcoats. I love him in leather trenchcoats.

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I blame my Amanda Seyfried love for this

March 9, 2011 at 7:14 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , )

But Red Riding Hood doesn’t look horrible.

And it's got this nifty poster too, which has a nice, claustrophobic feel to it thanks to the trees surrounding Seyfried.

It’s got beautiful visuals, with the red cloak standing out neatly against the white snow, and this one scene where the fog goes rolling over the ground all eerie and elegant, and then it’s got Amanda Seyfried, who is the most beautiful visual of all.

I just don't get you Seyfried haters. She is a stone fox. Do people still say stone fox? Will the kids get what I mean?

AND MY GOD DID I MENTION IT’S GOT GARY OLDMAN?

Gary Oldman as a werewolf hunter!

And he's wearing armor and he's got a sword, and that is so hot, you don't even know.

I can get behind that! In fact, I am pretty certain that Gary Oldman, when not acting the socks off his coworkers, does hunt werewolves and other creatures of the night because he is Gary Oldman, dammit, and what else is he going to do with his spare time? (Other than your girlfriend, badoom-BOOM.)

Look, don't blame your girlfriend. It's GARY OLDMAN.

In fact, the pretty, pretty trailer completely convinced me to ignore the part at the beginning where it said “From the Director of Twilight” and groove along to the cheesy rock song because there are going to be brutal slayings and fires and whooooooo! This movie is going to be so good, I am sure of it!

I can forgive her. I can forgive her.

But now that the adrenaline has worn off it occurs to me that there’s two different guys showing interest in Amanda Seyfried’s character, which means: IT’S A LOVE TRIANGLE OH GOD IT’S A ROMANCE IN DISGUISE YOU NEARLY FOOLED ME.

That screen shot's pretty hot, though, you've got to admit.

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Fables fantasy casting

July 21, 2010 at 1:51 pm (Top Ten) (, , , , , , , , )

So recently, I saw that Disney was going to cast Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella, and I was like, “That’s perfect! She’d be great as the princess turned ass-kicking spy for the fables!” And then I realized it was for a Disney movie and not a Fables movie, and that’s when I remembered again how much I hate Disney.

So, to cheer myself up, I am making a list of my dream cast for a Fables movie, or TV show, or play, whatever.

(For those of you who don’t know what Fables is, please check out the excellent comic book by Bill Willingham stat, it is so good, I mean it.)

1. Getting it out of the way: Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella. I think this role perfectly encapsulates my dream of Amanda Seyfried roles. It’s got the princess thing that Hollywood insists on putting her into, and it’s got the ass-kickery that I want for her.

Plus, wouldn't Ms. Seyfried look just delicious in that dress?

2. Ron Perlman as Beast. OK, for one, the guy’s already played Beauty’s Beast, so there’s that. For another, I was thinking of casting him as Bigby, but then I thought he just didn’t quite fit my image of Bigby, and then I thought, “duh, Beast!” So there you go.

Plus, I swear Mike Mignola wrote Hellboy daydreaming about Ron Perlman.

3. Grace Park as Snow White. She’s so pretty, and she kicks ass 12 ways from Sunday. (I don’t know if that’s a saying, but I’m going to pretend it is.)

Here you go, fanboys.

4. Cillian Murphy as Prince Charming. Mostly for the cheekbones, but also for those insanely blue eyes.

Besides, he kind of seems like royalty already.

5. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Bigby Wolf. He’s grizzled yet sexy, and I think he and Grace Park would make a really cute couple.

Also, he would make a cute couple with me. We'd be adorable. So cute.

6. Zac Efron as Pinnochio. Mostly because he’s really short, but also because I think this boy potentially has some acting chops now that he’s breaking away from Disney. I could be wrong, though, or distracted by his blue, blue eyes. (I guess I have a weakness for blue eyes.)

Also, since I have a hard time believing they make boys that pretty, I could get behind the idea that he is carved from a block of magical wood.

7. Tricia Helfer as Briar Rose/Sleeping Beauty. Unfortunately, Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get to kick much ass, but she does get to sleep a lot, and I think Tricia Helfer deserves a break because she guest stars in everything. Mostly, though, it’s because she is just so gorgeous.

Yup. Gorgeous.

8. Takeshi Kaneshiro as Mowgli. I know he’s the wrong race, but it just doesn’t seem right to me to have a dream cast and not include Takeshi Kaneshiro as the guy who’s shirtless a lot.

Because he's made of perfect.

9. Ian McKellen as Gepetto. I just think Ian McKellan is awesome, and I think he could handle both aspects of Gepetto’s personality: the kindly old father figure and the SPOILER ALERT. (I’m actually not even going to spoil this, because you should really read the books. Although, I guess by implying it’s something cool, I am kind of spoiling it, but not totally.)

Why, I'm just a harmless little HUMAN-KILLING MUTANT, SUCKERS!

10. Maggie Smith as Frau Totenkinder. I love Maggie Smith. There’s something so inherently bitchy about her characters. I think she could make the switch to witch easily. (Yeah, I rhymed that on purpose. Yeah, I hate myself a little.)

Conveniently enough, here she is in a witch's hat.

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Back to the slap-happiness!

May 4, 2010 at 11:31 am (Top Ten) (, , , , )

So there’s celebrities I want to slap for no apparent reason other than their faces annoy me. (I’m really sorry, Tom Hanks. I know you don’t deserve it!)

There’s celebrities who deserve a good slap for being the spectacular oxygen-sucks of nastiness that they are. (I am air-slapping in your general direction, reality television “stars!)

Then there’s celebrities that really surprise me because I think they would be going around slapping people all the time and they don’t.

Here’s 10 of them.

1. Christian Bale. After his on-set verbal explosion and the way he (allegedly) beat up his mother and sister, I was really expecting him to go on a slapping tour of America. And then he didn’t. That was really surprising.

I mean look at that face! Deep down, you know he wants to slap you.

2. Nicole Ritchie. She just seems like a slapper, you know? But I think she actually uses her fist. Odd, that.

Seems like a hair puller too.

3. Tyra Banks. It just seems like more episodes of America’s Next Top Model should end with Tyra slapping all hope of modeling out of some of these girls, but she never does. If it wasn’t for giant pendulums, that would really disappoint me.

Bitches, I'll show you fierce!

4. Richard Belzer. Not that he strikes me as the diva type, but it just seems like a Munch-ish mannerism, you know? “Don’t lie to me like I’m Montel Williams!” *slap!*

Maybe a good pistol whip is forthcoming, I don't know.

5. Kristen Bell. She must have some great bodyguards, because otherwise I would expect her hand to get sore, all the slapping of geek stalkers she should be doing.

I mean, some GREAT bodyguards. She's just asking for trouble.

6. “Sylar.” I don’t remember the actor’s name and I can’t be arsed to look it up, but it seems like someone who’s been trapped on Heroes this long and could do better would really be slapping more people by now.

For Christ's sake, Milo! Sod off! I mean it!

7. William Shatner. I expect the slapping almost as a tic from him. “Hey, Bob, how’s it going?” *slap!* “Oww, William, why’d you just slap me?” “I didn’t slap you!” *slap!*

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three! The left ear, the right ear and the final frontier!

8. Jillian Michaels. Yeah, she’s a little butch to be slapping, so I know you’re thinking, but wouldn’t she be punching people? Except I think she knows a slap is much more demeaning, so she would do it. Constantly.

I love her, but she is kind of scary.

9. Octomom. She’d get the multi-slap in, you know? “Line up, all you eight kids!” “But mom!” “Line up!” *Slap-slap-slap-etc.*!

Hopefully, this blog won't sink any lower than using a photo of Octomom. I'm sorry, everyone.

10. Amanda Seyfried. I think if she did more slapping, she’d get stuck with less crummy scripts.

Start with whoever keeps accepting those rom-com scripts, Amanda! Just: bam! Right in the kisser!

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Nancy Drew vs. Veronica Mars

April 8, 2010 at 11:32 am (Fictional Character Battles) (, , , )

Hey! You know what sounds like fun? A battle of teenaged blonde detectives sounds like fun!

In this corner, we have Nancy Drew, the first teen crime-solver known to adolescent girl. She’s “as immaculate and self-possessed as a Miss America on tour. She is as cool as a Mata Hari and as sweet as Betty Crocker,” according to some random character that I never heard of. I’m having trouble reconciling all those different things she’s like, but maybe that’s just me. I’m sure, if anyone can be a Miss American spy/baker, it’s Nancy Frakkin’ Drew. (On a related note, she’s also described as being able to dance like Ginger Rogers and give first aid like the Mayo Brothers, which leads me to believe she actually suffers from Dissociative Identity Disorder.)

She looks awfully brunette here, but I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and go with “dark blonde.”

In the other corner, we have Veronica Mars. On television, she’s portrayed by Kristen Bell.

Someday, I’ll be portrayed on television as Kristen Bell. Because we could totally be twins or something.

Let’s get to the battle, here, people!

Physicality. They’re both teenaged blonde detectives. I’m sure, in addition to being composed like a Miss America, Nancy Drew also looks like one, because who wants to read about dumpy teens solving crimes? Fat kids, that’s who. On the other hand, that thing I said earlier: “In the other corner, we have Veronica Mars. On television, she’s portrayed by Kristen Bell.” Winner? I think we can safely say that the girl who launched thousands of nerd fantasies wins. That’s Veronica Mars, for those of you keeping score at home.

Holy posing, Batman! Don’t her legs go on FOREVER in this picture?

Solves her best friend’s murder? So, the first (and best) season of Veronica Mars had a bunch of little mysteries for our titular (hee!) detective to solve, and one mystery that lasted the whole season. (Is an over-arcing mystery the correct phrase for that? It seems wrong.) That mystery was: Who killed Lilly Kane? Lilly Kane was, in addition to being Amanda Seyfried, Veronica Mars’ best friend.

Like she needs the bonus of being buds with Veronica Mars. She’s already Amanda Seyfried!

And was her murder solved? Yes! And by Veronica Mars? Yes again! On the other hand, Nancy Drew’s friends never got murdered, even though I’m sure they got kidnapped with some frequency, because you have to have peril in these sorts of books or the kids are going to tune out. Winner? Veronica Mars.

Has a hot boyfriend? Nancy Drew has longtime boyfriend Ned Nickerson at her side and helping solve mysteries or grunting and saying “Me protect you” a lot. I don’t know. What did he contribute to the story? Anyone? Veronica Mars, on the other hand, hooked up with Logan Echolls, who is tall, thin and has a Roman nose, which makes him exactly my type. Winner? Veronica Mars.

Plus, he was a bad boy, and who doesn’t love a bad boy?

Traveled to all sorts of exotic locales to solve mysteries? Veronica Mars was so poor, a plot point in one episode was how she and her father couldn’t afford to fix the water heater, so she kept having to take cold showers. She probably would have showered at school instead, but since a lot of people hated her, that probably would have been unwise. Unless the creators wanted an episode where Kristen Bell has to solve the mystery of the missing clothes while wrapped in a scant towel (I am copywriting this idea even as you read this so don’t even think of stealing it), that is. So she couldn’t really afford to travel to exotic locales, is what I’m saying, but I think she went to Mexico once. Nancy Drew had money coming out her ears or some other orifice. She went to Japan for a mystery, and also Austria and Costa Rica. Winner? Nancy Drew.

Sweeter ride? In most books, Nancy Drew drives a blue convertible. Since these are books for girls, who don’t care about cars or whatever, it’s not really indentified any further than that, which kind of pisses me off. Veronica drove a Chrysler LeBaron and, in that season I stopped watching the show, a Saturn of some sort. That’s pretty specific, but unfortunately, not particularly convertible. Winner? Nancy Drew and her mysterious blue convertible.

This one’s a BMW.

Better living best friend? Nancy’s best friends are Bess Marvin and Georgia “George” Fayne, whom I can’t remember anything about except that they thought Nancy was great and sometimes gave her boy advice. Veronica’s best friend is the very excellent Wallace Fennel, who befriends her despite her marked lack of popularity. I hope, in the future, they end up together, because, no matter how hot Logan Echolls is, Wallace was the perfect boy. Winner? Veronica Mars.

And remember the time Veronica baked cupcakes for him? *Sniff* Such good friends!

Was actually in serious peril at some point in her mystery-solving career? Being that the ladies are stars of their own series that feature their names in the titles, you don’t ever totally fear for their safety. But you feared even less for Nancy Drew, who was never locked in a refrigerator that was set on fire, nor made enemies of drug dealers and hired goons. Winner? Veronica “Danger is my middle name” Mars.

Overall winner? It didn’t even go to a tie this time! I guess that’s just because Veronica Mars is so awesome. I wish I had been Veronica Mars when I was in high school, what with the crime-solving and the snarkiness and the really cute haircut. Veronica Mars for the win.

Especially for that one episode where she karaoked Blondie’s “One Way or Another.” That was awesome.

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“Dear John,” please go to hell and die there.

February 3, 2010 at 11:49 am (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , )

Gods, the things I do for this blog.

Just watched a trailer for the new Nicholas Sparks novel that got adapted into a film for some reason, Dear John. I suggest you don’t click the link unless you want your soul to projectile vomit.

Yeah, it looks like a building puking books when your soul does that.

I’m having trouble talking about this film. Tanning Chatum’s chest appears to star in it, which is fine.

I mean, what else is his chest going to do?

Amanda Sefried is still slumming, which is less than fine because, really, she could do so much better. So much better.

Like, she could star as an evil spy on Chuck or something.

Apparently there’s a Snow Patrol song in the trailer, and they could also do better, but I guess you’ve got to take your money where you can get it or something.

Here's a picture of Snow Patrol!

Other impressions:

“Dear John,” “Dear John,” “Dear John,” “Dear John,” “Dear John.” Hey, I wonder what the name of this movie is?!

Tanning Chatum’s chest leaping into the ocean to save a purse. Really? It didn’t even look like a brand-name purse.

Someone just pointed out to me that Tanning Chatum is actually a guy named Channing Tatum, which, also really? Huh. At least I was closer than when I was trying to call him Tatum Canning, I guess. I’m just going to call him Mr. Chesty from now on. That’s easier.

Apparently, Mr. Chesty has a big, bad scary past. Ooooooh.

“I know your dad loves you, even if you don’t.” STOP SLUMMING!

Can someone please take anything that could be used for writing away from Nicholas Sparks so I never have to endure this horror again? PLEASE? There’s a new Nicholas Sparks movie, like, once every two months, and enough is enough. Please make it stop.

You look like a nice guy and all, but who could know you're capable of such horror?

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Sometimes it’s hard to decide

September 16, 2009 at 4:04 pm (The Movie I'm not Seeing this Weekend) (, , , , , , )

Do I not go see Jennifer’s Body or do I not go see Love Happens? It’s. So. Hard. To. Choose.

Of course, it’s not really hard, I was totally joking about that. I’m not seeing both films! Whoo! And I know you want to know why, so let’s get down to business.

Jennifer’s Body. First off, it reminds me off that song by Hole, “Jennifer’s Body” (weird that, eh?), which has the lyrics “found pieces of Jennifer’s body,” and I can’t listen to it anymore (and not just for the reason that Courtney Love is creepy and insane) because I knew a girl named Jennifer who died in a bad car wreck a decade or so back and so every time I hear that line, I think of her death, and so, in a roundabout way, this movie makes me think of this girl who died. (Rest in peace, Jennifer!)

That’s not why I’m not seeing it, though. I’m not seeing it ’cause it looks like crap. We’ve got Amanda Seyfried (a.k.a. Dead Lily from Veronica Mars) playing an outcast kid, which really? I mean, hey, acting!, but she’s a pretty blonde with a great figure.

Oh, God, yeah, she would have been SOOOO unpopular.

Oh, God, yeah, she would have been SOOOO unpopular.

I don’t care what kind of glasses they put on her, she’s not going to be frumpy. Also, it’s got Megan Fox, who just sucks in all sorts of ways. I mean, really, Megan, whining about being compared to Angelina Jolie? I’m not a fan of Ms. Jolie, but she is one of the biggest movie stars in the world, and you are a talentless hack. Are you too short to be a model? Is that it? Because you should be modeling and not acting, Megan Fox. Also, stop bitching about the director who picked you up and put you on a big fat skyrocket to fame: yes, Michael Bay movies suck, yes, everyone knows that, you don’t have to tell us. (Hee  hee, the crew hates you too!) In fact, I feel so bad for Seyfried for having to put up with this chick that I’m avoiding it on general principle. Also, did I mention it looks like crap?

Crap in a schoolgirl outfit, that is.

Crap in a schoolgirl outfit, that is.

(Although I do have to take my hat off (or I would if I wore a hat, which I don’t, because they’re just not flattering on me) to Diablo Cody, a screenwriter and people actually know her name, which happens to, like, three screenwriters, ever, so: more power to you, girl! I hope someday you make a movie I would want to see!)

Love Happens. Love hurts. Love stinks. Shit happens. Like this movie. Ugh, so not a fan of Aaron Eckhart’s butt-chin.

Butt. Chin.

Butt. Chin.

That alone is enough to turn me off this film, but then it also has to be a romantic comedy co-starring Jennifer Aniston, and I can’t believe you made a movie with the most things I don’t want to see ever.

It's like Hollywood is trying to make me puke my pants.

It's like Hollywood is trying to make me puke my pants.

Huzzah to you, Hollywood! And don’t try to win over my sensitive side, Hollywood. I haven’t got one. I laugh in the face of your romantic comedies, and not in the way you intended, at the clumsy heroine or the scenes that are so similar to my life, but in a derisive way, like this: HAH!

My suggestion? Zombies.

In fact, zombies in both movies. Huzzah!

(Note: Jennifer’s Body may already have zombies in it, but I can’t be arsed to find out.)

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