Huzzah! It’s a battle of sexy fictional FBI ladies!
On the one hand, we’ve got the leggy Olivia Dunham of the Fringe unit.
On the other hand, we’ve got the petite Dana Scully of the X designated cases.
Our hands are so lucky!
But as lovely and talented and smart and athletic as these ladies are, one is surely superior to the other, right?
So which one is it?
Physicality. Olivia Dunham is an elegant blonde with a fondness for black undergarments. Dana Scully is a tiny little redhead who wears heels a lot. I’m not sure we ever saw her panties. Winner? I apologize to the classically beautiful Anna Torv, but my loyalties lie with Gillian Anderson. She’s just one fine lady. Dayummm.
Has a hotter partner? Oh, god, don’t make me choose! On the one hand, we’ve got Olivia Dunham’s team of Charlie Francis (cute, but not my type) (also: dead now), Walter Bishop (adorable, but a bit craggy), Astrid Farnsworth (sooooo pretty, and I covet her hair) and Peter Bishop, who is by far the hottest of the group and thus the one we will be counting as her hot partner.
On the other hand, we’ve got Fox Mulder.
Boy, are our hands … wait, does this joke seem familiar to anybody else? Anyway, Joshua Jackson and David Duchovny are both fine specimens of the male human being, and I’m not sure I could ever say one is hotter than the other. I’d say we’re going with Olivia, because Astrid tips the scales in her direction, but that wouldn’t be fair to Scully, because she only ever had a team of one other person. Winner? It’s a tie.
Is also a medical doctor? By gum, George, Scully is also a medical doctor. That woman was always doing autopsies and taking people’s pulses with her thumb (… why would she do that? Is it because the actress isn’t a medical doctor?) and other medical-type things. Olivia Dunham is not also a medical doctor, but she did used to be in the marines. But not as a medical doctor. I enjoy typing the words “medical doctor.” Winner? Scully.
Has psychic powers? Scully might’ve gotten psychic powers in those episodes of the X-Files after I quit watching because the show started to suck, but those don’t count. But Olivia has had psychic powers all along, even if they come and go and she’s not always that good at using them. Winner? Olivia Dunham.
Is fighting to save the universe? Though Scully doesn’t realize it at first, a large number of the X cases are part of a larger conspiracy to destroy the world! Or prepare it for an alien invasion. Or something. Look, they really didn’t explain it that thoroughly until the show started to suck. Though Olivia Dunham didn’t realize it at first, a large number of the Fringe cases are part of a larger Pattern that was completely dropped as a plot point after the first season, but are all somehow the result of Walter Bishop … who might have caused the eventual destruction of the universe! Winner? Olivia Dunham, because I said “fighting to save the universe,” not “fighting to save the world.”
Has better fashion sense? Due to her participation in the Cortexiphan trials as a young child, Olivia Dunham likes to blend in through the prodigous use of greys and blacks in her wardrobe. Possibly navy on occasion, but only if she’s feeling especially kicky. Scully, as a medical doctor and an FBI agent, also wears a lot of dark-colored suits. But sometimes she wears skirts. Winner? Scully, for showing off those gams. (Gams are legs, right? I don’t speak 1940s so good.)
Faces an eviler old man? You know who’s a pretty evil old man? The Cigarette Smoking Man is a pretty evil old man. You know who else is a pretty evil old man? Walternate. But you know who wins? Olivia, because she’s got two Walter Bishops to deal with.
Hooks up with her sexy partner? Oh, my, yes, these ladies are no fools. They both hooked up with their sexy partners like mad. Winner? Everybody wins, especially the ‘shippers.
Fights aliens? Scully fights aliens.
Fights her alternate universe self? Olivia Dunham fights her alternate universe self, and steals her boyfriend back from the hussy.
Has a better opening theme for their science fiction show? The X-Files theme is a classic, what with that spooky music and all. But you know what Fringe has got? Fringe has got a retro theme for that episode that was set in the ’80s. I love that theme. Winner? Olivia Dunham.
Overall winner? In a big fat surprise to me, who was secretly rooting for the beautiful Dana Scully, Olivia Dunham takes home the prize, probably because her show hasn’t started to suck yet.