Han Solo vs. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace
Two cocky space rogues enter a bar.
One shoots first.
Because badass, that's why.
But seriously, folks, please enjoy this battle between Star Wars’ Han “Han Solo” Solo and Battlestar Galactica’s Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, two of the best interstellar pilots you’re likely to run into in science fiction.
Who shall come out ahead?
Let the battle commence!
Physicality. Now there’s no arguing that Katee Sackhoff is a beautiful woman who cleans up good and has the body of an Olympic athlete, but she’s going up against a young Harrison Ford here.
Definitely cleans up good.
A young Harrison Ford doing Han Solo cosplay. Apologies to the lovely Ms. Sackhoff, but nobody can come back from that. Winner? Han Solo.
L'il Richard voice: Good God, y'all!
More likely to murder a space-robot? Now if there’s one think Kara “Starbuck” Thrace hates, it’s Cylons. Which is robots, for those of you less nerdy than I. And if there’s one thing she enjoys, it’s murdering Cylons. It’s hard to blame her, since Cylons blowed up her home planet and keep bothering her about her special destiny and generally ruining her life and universe.
Also, thanks to those homicidal robots, she has to wear this outfit, like, all the time, when she looks so cute in a dress!
However, Han Solo runs around space with one of the most annoying robots ever made: C3PO, that robot with a hyphen in there somewhere that I can never remember (nor care) where it is. Not murderizing that robot takes the patience of Job. Or possibly Lot. Whichever one of those guys was more patient and also hung out with more robots. (Robots is in the Old Testament, right?) In conclusion, this one’s a tossup, folks. Winner? It’s a tie.
Has a cooler spaceship? I love me some Vipers, I do, but c’mon! The Millennium Falcon. The Millennium Falcon! The Millennium Falcon!! Spaceships don’t get cooler than the Millennium Falcon. It is scientifically impossible. Winner? Han Solo.
If awesome was rocket fuel, this ship would run on awesome.
Has a hotter significant other? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace enjoys playing the field, but deep down, she’s deeply in love with Lee “Apollo” Adama. Except for those times when she’s deeply in love with her husband, Samuel “I’m actually a Cylon” Anders. Han Solo’s significant other is Princess Leia, an interstellar space princess (what do you mean the “interstellar” implies the “space” bit? This is my fictional character battle, and it sounds good that way, so shut up, you!) of such magnificent hotness she had to have her breasts bound by duct tape so as to not further overexcite the males of Star Wars. On the other hand, though, have you seen Apollo and Anders? Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, because of simple math: Two hot guys > one hot princess.
I've chosen to illustrate my point with a photograph of Sam Anders about to shoot you. Because mrow, that's why.
Of course, this kiss is pretty hot too.
Fights overwhelming odds and comes out on top? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is constantly fighting overwhelming odds and coming out on top, except for that time she died, which was really sad. But then she came back! Which was kind of weird. And then she disappeared when they got to earth, because everyone was dreaming her all along. (Ha, no, seriously, I have no idea what was up with that. That part sucked.) Han Solo also fights overwhelming odds and comes out on top, except for that time he got frozen in carbonite, which was really sad, but makes for a cool Lego set. Also, he got rescued and then got to hook up with a hot princess. Winner? Han Solo.
My kingdom for this Lego set!
(My, er, Lego kingdom.)Tries to have Gaeta executed for no reason other than sheer meanness? Luckily for Alessandro Juliani, he wasn’t old enough to be in the Star Wars movies, because he’d have probably shown up for two seconds and died. That seems to be a thing for him lately. Unfortunately for Felix Gaeta, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is the queen of grudge-holding and is none too smart, so doesn’t realize that he was actually their mole on the inside and nearly gets my boy Gaeta thrown out an airlock, through sheer stubborn assholery. In case you’re wondering, no, I haven’t forgiven her for that and, no, I never will. Winner? Go to hell, Kara. You’re a Gaeta-attempted-murdering jerk.
I can't forgive anyone who would try to harm a single hair on this man's head. I LOVE his hair.
Has a cooler weapon? Han Solo has a laser gun. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace has a regular gun. Also, their spaceships can shoot, I don’t know, also lasers? Winner? The guy with the laser gun always wins. Han Solo.
Has a cooler boss? Han Solo is subordinate to no man. Hell, even when he joins the resistance, he becomes a general, like, instantaneously. Kara “Starbuck” Thrace, however, works for Cmdr. William Adama, a man so awesome he’s even better than Darth Vader. Winner? Kara “Starbuck” Thrace.
Bonus points for hooking up with the boss's son.
Either doomed or saved humanity? At various points in the Battlestar Galactica (re-imagined) saga, it is claimed that Kara “Starbuck” Thrace is either humanity’s savior or its doom. And then she dies. But she comes back, like Jesus! Except imagine Jesus is a bit of a jerk and a drunk. Also a lady. (Oh, crap, I just accidentally encouraged someone to re-imagine the life story of Jesus Christ, didn’t I?)
Please don't make this movie. Please don't make this movie.
And then they find Earth and humanity is either doomed or saved! Han Solo helps battle the evil empire, with the help of his friends the rebels, and thus saves humanity! (Or possibly dooms it, because how are all those people going to get healthcare without the government to help them, evil dictatorship or no?) Winner? Nobody!
Has a better sidekick? You’d think a guy with a name like Solo wouldn’t have a sidekick, because he’d feel compelled to live up to the solitary implications of his last name. Also, George Lucas is none too subtle at naming characters, so you’d doubly expect him to not have a sidekick. But you’d be wrong, because a sidekick he does possess! One of the most awesome sidekicks in the history of sidekickery: Chewbacca the Wookiee. I never know how many vowels that has, I swear. Does Kara “Starbuck” Thrace have a sidekick? No. No, she does not. Probably because everybody’s mad at her for trying to kill Gaeta. Winner? Han Solo.
It takes a special kind of man not to be intimidated by an 8-foot-tall hair monster.
Overall winner? In a sound trouncing, Kara “Starbuck” Thrace loses this battle against Han “Young Harrison Ford” Solo.
Doesn't help that your damn hot husband shot off Gaeta's leg, either, Starbuck.
Someday, the printers will destroy us all
At work, we recently got a new printer/copier/fax machine. As I was admiring the futuristic-ness of its design, the technician overheard me.
“It’s a Cylon printer,” he said.
“Quick, destroy it before it enslaves us all!” I replied.
“What are you two on about?” said my coworkers.
"Why the destruction of humanity by our Cylon overlords, of course. What did you think we were talking about?"
Darth Vader vs. Cmdr. William Adama
Like their sons (er, spoiler alert, I guess) before them, it’s time for these two to face off in battle. A fictional character battle.
"Seriously, though, you guys do all know I'm Luke's father, right?"
Darth Vader is …. You know what? If you don’t know who Darth Vader is, I’d like to welcome you to the future and find out more about the time machine you built in Victorian England. If you haven’t got a time machine from the Victorian era, then you know who Darth Vader is.
Actually, that looks like Elizabethan-era handiwork.
Cmdr. William Adam is actually Admiral (I don’t know the abbreviation for that, how silly of me, right?) William Adama, but I totally got used to calling him Cmdr. Adama after the first season and a half of Battlestar Galactica, so Cmdr. Adama it is. Anyway, Cmdr. Adam is in Battlestar Galactica, and is far superior to his son, Lee “Apollo” Adama, in every way that counts except for the glory of his chest.
Anyway, on to the battle!
Physicality. Darth Vader is a hideously disfigured monster who goes around in one of the most iconic bad guy suits of all bad guy suits. Cmdr. Adama isn’t really hideously disfigured, but he has got that craggy face, soooo…. Winner? Let’s go with “tossup” on this one.
Yeah, I would definitely describe that face as "craggy."
Sounds like James Earl Jones? Darth Vader sounds a lot like James Earl Jones. As we all wish we did! Winner? Darth Vadar.
Sounds like Edward James Olmos? Cmdr. Adama not only sounds like Edward James Olmos, he looks like him too! Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Commands an awesome interstellar battlestar of some kind? Cmdr. Adama, coincidently enough, is called such because he commands an interstellar battlestar known as the Galactica. So, yes, he definitely commands an awesome interstellar battlestar of some kind. Darth Vader is often seen on some kind of a space station known as a “death star,” which is even scarier sounding than battlestar, even though they’d both wreck your shit up but good. Also, he kind of second-in-commands it, but I think that’s close enough. Winner? It’s a tie.
OK, it's more of a space STATION than a traveling space SHIP, but it's still planet-explodingly terrifying.
Has the power to kill you with his mind? Darth Vader harnasses the power of the dark side of the force, being an evil Sith lord and all, and totally kills people with his mind, like, for pointing out he left his evil zipper down or something. Cmdr. Adama is very intimidating and probably causes people to wet themselves in sheer terror, but he doesn’t actually kill anybody with his mind. Winner? Darth Vader.
"Sure, it might be more satisfying to use my hands, but then I'd risk getting your internal fluids all over me."
Has a lightsaber? Darth Vader has a lightsaber. Winner? Darth Vader.
Lightsabers: Because, sometimes, killing people with your mind just doesn't cut it.
Has a scarier boss? Darth Vader’s boss is The Emperor, a guy who has the power to shoot lightning bolts from his fingers and look really, really ugly despite not being thrown in a volcano. He’s pretty scary. But Cmdr. Adama’s boss is Admiral Helena Cain, commander of the Battlestar Pegasus, one of the scariest ladies in the whole 13 colonies. She’s seriously scary! She makes President Roslin look like a cuddly little bunny rabbit, I swear. Scary! Anyway, thank God she’s dead. Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
"Sure, I could kill you with my bare hands, but it's more fun to use this teeny-tiny wee little knife."
Once leapt a Battlestar into a planet’s atmosphere, just to create an ominous portent of doom? OK, and also to rescue the survivors of humanity who had been captured by the Cylons. Winner? Obviously, it’s Cmdr. William “Bad. Ass.” Adama.
Speaking of Cylons, faced two generations of Cylons and won? Man, these last two categories aren’t even fair to poor old Vader. On the other hand, there’s no lightsabers in BSG, so whatever. On the other other hand, I wouldn’t call what happened at the end of Battlestar Galactica winning, per se, so…. Winner? Ha! I’m just kidding. Of course it’s Cmdr. Adama.
Meet the new Cylons, slightly different than the old Cylons.
Has a tragic love? Before Darth Vader became Darth Vader, he was Anakin Skywalker, a character that I never knew would bore me until I saw the prequels. And during that (incredibly boring) time, he met and fell in love with Natalie Portman, because, really, who wouldn’t? She died giving birth to their twins or something, in the prequel that I managed not to watch, leaving some of my fond childhood memories of Star Wars mostly intact. So that’s pretty tragic. But! Cmdr. Adama falls in love with President Laura Roslin, who is dying of cancer and also most of humanity has been killed. Tragic to the utmost! Also, they have a theme song that’s really, really beautiful. Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Remember that time they got wasted together and giggled a lot? That was so romantic!
Has a hotter son? I’m sorry, Mark Hamill, but have you seen Apollo? Winner? Cmdr. Adama.
Man, he cleans up good too.
Overall winner? Wow! It looks like it’s Cmdr. William Adama in a stunning upset. I mean, I really thought Darth Vader would take this through sheer nostalgia alone. Really! I had no idea that I secretly liked Commander William Adama much better.
It's a good thing we didn't get Col. Saul "Motherfrakking" Tigh up in here, or Vader would've just been TROUNCED.
Cat fight!
As I re-watch Battlestar Galactica, I realize that a thing I had forgotten is how much I enjoy watching Tricia Helfer beat the living daylights out of Katee Sackhoff.
Well, I couldn't find an image of the fight, but I figured no one's gonna turn up their nose at this picture. Rowr.
You say “A-TRAY-you,” I say “A-TRAH-you”
OK, I don’t really say “A-TRAH-you,” because everybody has seen The Neverending Story, and knows how to pronounce the hero’s name.
I'm aware that Bastian is ostensibly the "hero," but I refute that claim for two reasons. One, if sitting around reading makes you a hero, then I am one for the ages; and Two, his name is Bastian.
But thinking about The Neverending Story lately (and, no, I’m not quite sure what precipitated it, but it’s been on my mind a lot), I started wondering, “Hey, what became of Atreyu? And more specifically, that actor who played him. Young whatsisname.” And then I googled his name, which is Noah Hathaway.
Read on for enlightenment!
Not that kind.
Noah, like all good people, was born at a very young age. His birth year: 1971. His heritage: One-quarter Mohican on his father’s side, which is more Mohican than I am. (But less Ojibwe, so ha ha ha.) At the age of 3, he began appearing in commercials, which is way more than I did at age 3 (I like to call that “the year in which I almost mastered the spoon”), so I guess I’ll stop laughing at Mr. Hathaway now. His first non-commercial appearance was on the 1979 show Supertrain as “Kid.” After some research, I see “Supertrain” is not about the adventures of some sort of 1970s musical supergroup as I first believed, but rather a train in the future. I’m not sure which is better.
I'll have to ask someone from the '70s.
His role as “Kid” must have impressed the brass, because he moved on to bigger and better things: “Boxey” on Battlestar Galactica (Not The Reimagined One, Which Mostly (and rightfully) Excised Boxey). From 1978 to 1979, Noah Hathaway battled Cylons and (I assume) provided comic relief and adorable child moments.
OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT HORROR HE'S EMBRACING THANK GOD IT WASN'T IN THE REIMAGINED BSG GAHHHHHHHHHHH.
After Battlestar Galactica (The Original) ended, Boxey moved on to a series of guest gigs that hit all the pop culture phenoms of ’70s American television: Mork & Mindy, Eight is Enough, Laverne & Shirley and CHiPs. He also had some roles on miniseries and stuff even I’m not old enough to have heard of.
Motorcycle cops and homoerotic subtext. God bless the 1980s.
Then, in 1984, he was cast as Atreyu in The Neverending Story, worming his way into the hearts of adolescent girls everywhere, and also some guys who have some sort of postmodern metal-core band or something. That’s some good work, there.
In the 1980s, it was OK to see this much boy chest.
After The Neverending Story, it was on to the ’80s and guest spots on shows like Simon & Simon and Family Ties.
Later, he played Harry Potter (Jr.) in Troll. I don’t remember this movie at all, but I do remember this one episode of the Twilight Zone or Amazing Stories or some other TV anthology show where there was a troll and the construction workers tried to steal his gold or something, and then sunlight killed him.
Why, yes, as a matter of fact, being trapped underground with a maneating troll IS another of my ridiculous phobias. Also, I'm terrified of these dolls.
Moving right along, Noah Hathaway had two more roles in 1986 and then disappeared until 1994, when he played “Phil” in To Die, To Sleep. He then re-disappeared, and then re-reappeared in three roles in movies that haven’t been released yet: “Fish” in Sushi Girl, “Roper” in The Critic and “Ruggero Margheriti” in Mondo Holocausto!, in which the exclamation point is not mine.
Of COURSE it's set at one of those naked sushi joints. Why are you even asking?
So what the hell has Noah Hathaway been doing in between then and 1994 and 1994 and now? In the late 1980s, he moved on to teaching advanced jazz and street dancing, until an injury forced an early retirement. So he moved into the much less injury-prone sport of Muay Thai boxing. So that takes care of his life up until 1994.
After this shot was taken, they were all rushed to the ER.
After 1994, he took up motorcycle racing (seriously, who told him this stuff was safer than advanced jazz dancing?) and holds black belts in Tang Soo Do and Shotokan, two martial arts disciplines which I am learning about for the first time. He also runs a motorcycle shop and a tattoo parlor with his wife.
And I have to admit, his arm tattoo is more impressive than mine.
So, there you have it. Busy, busy, busy.
Also, his horse died.
I love you, Bear McCreary: A Review
Now, what is sure to be a completely unbiased review from me about my favorite living composer and the very excellent piano book he has arranged featuring music from one of my all-time favorite shows, Battlestar Galactica (Of Course it’s the Reimagined One, Duh).
Pictured here: Everything I have ever dreamed of, and more. Unbiased!
First off, I would like to congratulate Mssr. McCreary on his recent (semi-recent, anyway) nuptials to the talented (and beautiful) Raya Yarbrough, and assure them both that my love is purely platonic in that I love McCreary for his music alone. Also his looks a bit, but that’s neither here or there.
Man's got a luscious head of hair is all I'm sayin'.
Anyway, the Battlestar Galactica piano book. Thank you, Mr. McCreary, so godsdamned much, for making this happen. You have saved your less musically talented fans who were sitting around at the piano and trying to plink out the notes to “Roslin and Adama” and cursing their brothers who can hear a song once and then play it perfectly. “Why did I have to learn how to read music?” these (hypothetical) fans wailed. “Why couldn’t I have been naturally gifted like that jerk of a brother of mine?”
That over-talented son of a bitch.
And lo! Like a beacon on the horizon, a veritable lighthouse in stormy weather: the Battlestar Galactica Piano Book. Chock full of some of the best music from the series (with the notable exception of Gaeta’s Lament, although who knows how it would play without the help of Alessandro Juliani’s killer voice), there’s even (I know! This is so great!!) simplified versions of my two favorite BSG pieces: “Roslin and Adama” and “Wander My Friends,” because Bear knows that some of us haven’t sat down at the piano for serious for several years now.
It's just that Mr. Whiskers has been making us feel a little inferior.
Gods bless that man. Gods bless him a whole bunch.
Seriously, I mean it. He's just great.
Things that I will always love more than you
Dear future boyfriend,
First off, I just want to say that you are such a catch! I mean, here you are: a guy who puts up with me! I am so lucky to have you, future boyfriend, and I just want you to know that. I love your (insert adjective here) and the way you (verb). (Note to self: add descriptors once you actually meet future boyfriend.)
But there’s a few things you need to know, and I have incorporated them here into this handy list. It’s a list of things that I will always love more than you.
1. Elijah Snow. No matter how awesome you are, future boyfriend, unless you were trained in the art of detecting at the knee of the best fictional detective ever (Sherlock Holmes), you cannot compare to Elijah Snow.
Weakness for white foxes: revealed.
Ooooh, and also, you would have to never, ever age, and have the power to freeze stuff and then shatter the hell out of it.
For example, Dracula's crotch.
2. Speaking of the best fictional detective ever: Sherlock Holmes. It’s true, future boyfriend, that there are not many things in this world that I love more than Sherlock Holmes, and I would have to include you on the list (of things that I do not).
Guy Ritchie is something I love much, much less than Sherlock Holmes.
3. Chuck. That show is so cute and I love it (more than you). I hope, if there is a fifth season, it doesn’t suck as bad as the fifth seasons of other shows I used to love, House, I’m looking at you.
Damn, Chuck's girlfriend looks good in leather.
4. Eric Elbogen. Unless future boyfriend and Eric Elbogen are one in the same (pardon me while I laugh at my audacity!), there is just no measuring up to a guy who has written a song about playing Ms. Pac-man.
And he has a head of hair I want to tousle SO BAD.
5. Lone Wolf and Cub. No, future boyfriend, you will never be as awesome as one of the best manga series ever, and I hope you don’t mind if I ask to be alone while I read my copies.
Quiet, you! This is my "me" time!
6. Spike Spiegel. I shouldn’t have to explain why Spike Spiegel is more awesome than you, should I? Fine: he’s tall, thin, tragic yet always has a snappy comeback, and practices jeet kune do. Also, he has a spaceship and is a bounty hunter. In space. He’s a bounty hunter in space.
Bounty hunter. In space.
7. Cowboy Bebop. Spike Spiegel is a character in the best anime ever, and I will always, always love that anime more than you.
There is no way Hollywood won't frak up a live-action version of this show.
8. “Roslin and Adama.” Bear McCreary wrote one of the world’s most beautiful pieces of music for the re-imagined Battlestar Galactica, and I just can’t imagine that you could possibly make me feel the way it does.
Also, I was totally 'shipping them the whole series.
9. Bulkogi. Man, bulkogi is good. I wish we had a decent Korean joint around here.
I like my bulkogi with carrots and onions.
10. Japan. Japan is crazy and awesome. You, future boyfriend, might be crazy and awesome too, but are you the birthplace of the ninja? No. No, you are not.
I love you, Japan! Call me!
Bender vs. Cylon Centurion
It’s been a while since I’ve done a fictional character battle, and I blame several things, most especially my job, because I am blaming my job for everything that sucks right now, including natural disasters. Somehow the fault of my job, yes.
But now I have a spare moment, and of course, I’m thinking about robots. (Because when I’m not thinking about robots, I’m thinking about ninja. And when I’m not thinking about ninja, it’s zombies. And when it’s not them, it’s Takeshi Kaneshiro. And when it’s not Takeshi Kaneshiro, it’s thinking about cajoling my artists friends into drawing Elijah Snow as portrayed by Takeshi Kaneshiro.)
I'm not saying it would work, I'm just saying it's something I think about.
And, of course, one of the best robots ever is Futurama’s Bender.
In the future, you can totally be a robot and smoke all the cigars you want. That's a future I want to live in.
Another kind of robot is the Cylon Centurion, which, while not as hot as the Tricia Helfer model or the model that married Starbuck, still has its redeeming qualities.
Like being hella scary.
Let’s see what those are, shall we?
Let the battle commence!
Physicality. Bender is a robot. The Cylon Centurion is a robot. While I’m sure they’re both well-designed pieces of technology, neither of them is really as sexy as a 1968 Mustang. Winner? Eh, Bender?
If my father was a more patient teacher, I might know stuff about fixing up classic cars instead of crying every time I see a wrench.
Wants to kill all humans? Oh man, does Bender want to kill all humans. (Who doesn’t, really, though?) In fact, his mantra is “kill all humans,” which is coincidentally quite similar to his pickup line: “Hey, baby, wanna kill all humans?” On the other hand, the Cylons brought about the end of (most of) humanity, leaving us only with the whiny (yet hot!) Lee “Apollo” Adama and the stupid (yet hot!) Karl “Helo” Agathon.
Hell, who's going to be looking at this boy's brains, you know?
And a few other people, but I’m tired of trying how to remember the spelling of their names, so Madame President, Gaeta and Admiral Adama it is. Boy, those Cylons sure killed a lot of humans. Winner? The Cylon Centurion, because it makes things happen. (Things being, of course, mass genocide.)
Is more evil? As previously mentioned, the Cylons sure killed a lot of humans. But Bender is evil. There’s no getting around it. He even went to Robot Hell, which actually seems like a kind of fun hell to visit, but I imagine the constant singing would get grating after an eternity.
Or sooner than that. It's hard to know for sure.
Also, in the episode with Bender’s “evil twin,” it turns out that Bender was the evil twin, so, yeah. Winner? Bender.
And no one was really surprised by that reveal.
Lives long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away? And doesn’t even have to hang out with lame robots like C-3PO? (Dammit, where does that hyphen go? Too lazy to google! Must! Press! On!) Well, Bender lives in the future, or else the show would be called Pastarama, although maybe not that, because then it would be about ravioli.
Which probably has its own television show already.
According to Battlestar Galactica mythology, we are all descended from the adorable offspring of two of the hottest characters on the show: Helo and Athena. Which means that the show was set in the past, and also in a galaxy far, far away. (It means that because all the characters traveled to earth from a galaxy far, far away.) Winner? Cylon Centurion.
To make things fair, lives in the future? Bender is a robot that lives in the future! Thank God for the future! Where’s my damn hoverboard? Winner? Bender.
Dammit, Back to the Future, you have broken my heart.
Has better friends? Bender’s best friend is Philip J. Fry, time traveler. OK, I call him that, but he actually only travels through time on occasion, and usually with the rest of his spaceship crew, but he was born in the 20th century and this is my blog, so time traveler it is.
MY blog has more pictures of robots than YOUR blog.
Bender also spends variable amounts of time with the ass-kicking cyclops Leela (voiced by the equally ass-kicking Katey Sagal), the lobster-esque Dr. Zoidberg, Amy the really, really, really rich intern, and Professor Farnsworth. Oh, and Hermes, the Jamaican bureaucrat. Those people (beings?) are awesome, and I would like to spend time with all of them, except for Dr. Zoidberg, because I hate crustaceans. They are so gross. Does a Cylon Centurion even have friends? I mean, maybe they hang out with the various Model 6s and 8s, playing cards and trying on lipstick, but I just don’t see it. Winner? Bender.
I finally have an excuse to use that photo of Katey Sagal. Huzzah!
Has a better theme song? The Cylon Centurion lives on a show where all the music is composed by my hero, Bear McCreary (who is currently slumming on The Cape, Bear, I’m so sorry, hopefully television will create another show worthy of your talents someday!). But Bender is on a show with the Futurama theme song. Don’t make me choose. (Note: I realize that, actually, I am making me choose, but I still blame my job for that.) Winner? I’m sorry, I kind of thought I would pick the Futurama theme because it’s just so catchy and all, but I can’t betray the awesome Bear McCreary! It’s a tie.
I could never stab my favorite living composer in the back like that.
Makes time with beautiful robot ladies? Bender is always hooking up with the robot ladies, or man-ladies or lady-men, whatever. Also, during his brief time as a transsexual, he dated star of screen and stage (probably not stage, actually, but it sounded good) Calculon.
So many pictures of robots!
However, the Cylon Centurion gets to hang out with lady robots who look like Grace Park, Tricia Helfer and Lucy Lawless. Even if it’s completely platonic, have you seen those ladies? Winner? Cylon Centurion.
A moment of appreciation for the BSG Marketing Department for posing these three beautiful women together.
Best name? Bender’s name is Bender Bending Rodriguez. The Cylon Centurion is probably called Cylon Centurion, which isn’t really so much a name as a description. Winner? Bender.
Overall winner? Bender, but he wouldn’t have won if he’d gone up against Sam Anders, because a pretty man beats a funny robot every time in my book, hands down.
I think this photograph illustrates the appropriate level of hands down-edness.
Fables fantasy casting
So recently, I saw that Disney was going to cast Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella, and I was like, “That’s perfect! She’d be great as the princess turned ass-kicking spy for the fables!” And then I realized it was for a Disney movie and not a Fables movie, and that’s when I remembered again how much I hate Disney.
So, to cheer myself up, I am making a list of my dream cast for a Fables movie, or TV show, or play, whatever.
(For those of you who don’t know what Fables is, please check out the excellent comic book by Bill Willingham stat, it is so good, I mean it.)
1. Getting it out of the way: Amanda Seyfried as Cinderella. I think this role perfectly encapsulates my dream of Amanda Seyfried roles. It’s got the princess thing that Hollywood insists on putting her into, and it’s got the ass-kickery that I want for her.
Plus, wouldn't Ms. Seyfried look just delicious in that dress?
2. Ron Perlman as Beast. OK, for one, the guy’s already played Beauty’s Beast, so there’s that. For another, I was thinking of casting him as Bigby, but then I thought he just didn’t quite fit my image of Bigby, and then I thought, “duh, Beast!” So there you go.
Plus, I swear Mike Mignola wrote Hellboy daydreaming about Ron Perlman.
3. Grace Park as Snow White. She’s so pretty, and she kicks ass 12 ways from Sunday. (I don’t know if that’s a saying, but I’m going to pretend it is.)
Here you go, fanboys.
4. Cillian Murphy as Prince Charming. Mostly for the cheekbones, but also for those insanely blue eyes.
Besides, he kind of seems like royalty already.
5. Jeffrey Dean Morgan as Bigby Wolf. He’s grizzled yet sexy, and I think he and Grace Park would make a really cute couple.
Also, he would make a cute couple with me. We'd be adorable. So cute.
6. Zac Efron as Pinnochio. Mostly because he’s really short, but also because I think this boy potentially has some acting chops now that he’s breaking away from Disney. I could be wrong, though, or distracted by his blue, blue eyes. (I guess I have a weakness for blue eyes.)
Also, since I have a hard time believing they make boys that pretty, I could get behind the idea that he is carved from a block of magical wood.
7. Tricia Helfer as Briar Rose/Sleeping Beauty. Unfortunately, Sleeping Beauty doesn’t get to kick much ass, but she does get to sleep a lot, and I think Tricia Helfer deserves a break because she guest stars in everything. Mostly, though, it’s because she is just so gorgeous.
Yup. Gorgeous.
8. Takeshi Kaneshiro as Mowgli. I know he’s the wrong race, but it just doesn’t seem right to me to have a dream cast and not include Takeshi Kaneshiro as the guy who’s shirtless a lot.
Because he's made of perfect.
9. Ian McKellen as Gepetto. I just think Ian McKellan is awesome, and I think he could handle both aspects of Gepetto’s personality: the kindly old father figure and the SPOILER ALERT. (I’m actually not even going to spoil this, because you should really read the books. Although, I guess by implying it’s something cool, I am kind of spoiling it, but not totally.)
Why, I'm just a harmless little HUMAN-KILLING MUTANT, SUCKERS!
10. Maggie Smith as Frau Totenkinder. I love Maggie Smith. There’s something so inherently bitchy about her characters. I think she could make the switch to witch easily. (Yeah, I rhymed that on purpose. Yeah, I hate myself a little.)
Conveniently enough, here she is in a witch's hat.
Things I can’t compete with
When fabulous poet/wit Dorothy Parker feared her husband Alan Campbell was having a homosexual affair, she was quoted as saying: “I can compete with the girls, you know, but not with the boys.”
She had a point.
Thus, for your reading pleasure, here’s a list of 10 things that I can’t compete with:
1. Ziyi Zhang. Put me up against the talented Chinese actress and, for some reason, I always come up lacking.
But so does everyone! I mean, look at her!
2. The boys. Again, Ms. Parker had a point here. It’s hard to compete against the boys when the boys have bits that the girls don’t.
Also, they're so PRETTY nowadays.
3. Your body pillow girlfriend/wife. There are many things body pillows can do that I can’t, and one of those things includes tolerating someone who would marry a body pillow.
Tolerate? Actually, I would have a hard time not punching you in the throat. Enjoy your body pillow.
4. Cylons. Cylons look like Tricia Helfer and Grace Park. I don’t so much.
Lucy Lawless is also more awesome than I am.
5. Your awesome CIA girlfriend. In every category, I come up short when compared to your awesome CIA girlfriend.
For instance, my hair NEVER looks this good when I'm in a gun fight.
6. That anime character you have a crush on. It’s true. I don’t have perky anime boobs, and I’m not charmingly clumsy, so when I fall, I don’t land with my lacy panties slightly exposed, I end up scraping most of the skin off my face and bleeding all over.
Of course, you will always come in second to Spike Spiegel, so we have that in common, anyway.
7. Dorothy Parker. She was witty, she wrote great poetry and short stories, and she could hold her liquor waaaaaay better than I can. She could also come up with witty retorts on the spot, and I just can’t do that.
I'm the poor man's Dorothy Parker! The really, really, really, REALLY poor man's Dorothy Parker!
8. Your ex, Julia. I just can’t wear a full-body leather suit with that panache. I wish I could, but I can’t.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: I. Sweat.
9. Lady superheroes. I was just going to say “superheroes,” but I specifically mean the ones who keep their superhero costumes up with a bit of spirit gum and luck.
Also, gravity isn't an issue for superheroes.
10. Your 1985 Crown Victoria. I can’t compete with a car like that. I won’t even try.
Pictured here: something that is better than me in every way.
