Faye Valentine is the busty, space-traveling, cyber-sleeping, con artist-ing sex symbol of Cowboy Bebop. (Well, the sex symbol for those who swing that way, because we all know there’s no sexier anime character than Spike Spiegel.)
Winry Rockbell is the blonde, wrench-swinging, automail-repairing, bandana-wearing … er … chick from Fullmetal Alchemist. There are other female characters in Fullmetal Alchemist, but Winry just seems like the one who’s best described as a “chick,” you know?
What do these two ladies have in common?
Probably not much, actually, but all my guy friends seem to think Winry is sexy for some damn reason, so let’s battle to see where my true bias lays.
Physicality. Faye Valentine is a tall, dark-haired drink of water who manages to look good in a weird yellow jumpsuit thing with these suspenders and why does she even bother wearing that red jacket if she’s not going to cover her shoulders? Winry Rockbell is tall (-er than Edward Elric), blonde and … actually, that’s all that sticks out for me. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Is a more badass chick? Faye Valentine travels through space, seeking bounties, pulling cons and shooting people with her spaceship’s laser gun. When she makes a confession of love, she does it by shooting at you, because that is how she rolls. Winry Rockbell learned how to fix automail from her Granny Pinako, and is an orphan. She has the opportunity to avenge the hell out of her parents’ death by shooting the guy who murdered them, but she doesn’t do it. While that seems markedly un-badass, you have to keep in mind that the guy was right there and could totally have killed her with his superpowers, so that takes some balls. Winner? Faye Valentine, because Winry is just so damn vanilla.
Is constantly being put into danger and having to be rescued by the men in her life? Actually, this happens less than you’d expect for the whole anime/manga genre. Sure, both Faye and Winry are put into danger, especially Faye, who’s really good at getting herself into all kinds of trouble, and sometimes the guys give them a helping hand, but most of the time these ladies are handling themselves just fine. Winner? Winry, actually, because the evil homunculus conspiracy is totally using her as a hostage against our boys Al and Ed.
Has better fashion sense? Faye’s outfit sucks. There, I said it. It’s bright yellow and the jacket is useless. It’s ugly, ugly, ugly with a capital FUGLY. On the other hand, Winry usually wears a boob tube with purple pants and a bandana. Winner? Nobody. Ick. Someone get these ladies to an outlet store, stat.
Has massive boobage? Boobage is totally a word, right? The one good point about Faye’s ugly, ugly yellow outfit is that it conforms to every curve of that woman’s rockingly-drawn body. And when I say she has massive boobage, I don’t say it lightly. Also, she spends a lot of time in outer space, so it’s not like she’s going to get saggy any time soon, if you know what I mean, and I think you do because I wasn’t exactly subtle, here. Winry is, like, 15 or 16, and thus probably not done developing. If she has massive boobage, it’s hidden under her overalls anyway. But I don’t think she does. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Owns an interstellar space vehicle? I don’t think Winry owns a vehicle, let alone one that is capable of interstellar travel. Faye, however, has a cool space vehicle, so she wins. Winner? I just said Faye wins.
Looks pretty damn good for a lady of over 70? Faye Valentine was in a horrible space travel accident when she was young and was put into cyrogenic sleep until … I don’t know, she could be operated on or it was convenient to the plot, whatever. So, while she looks like a lovely young lass of about 23, she’s actually a wretched old woman of about 77. Winry is totally the age she is, which is teenaged. Man, I hate teenagers. Winner? Faye Valentine.
Would be more fun to take gambling? Faye Valentine is a compuslive gambler. I would go as far as to say she has a gambling addiction. That said, she seems like a lot of fun to hang around and is pretty good in a fight. I don’t know if Winry gambles. Winner? Faye Valentine, as long as you don’t lend her any of your money for your fun night out.
Hangs out with Spike Spiegel? Faye Valentine is the lucky woman who gets to hang out with Spike Spiegel and not get murdered to hell by the interstellar Mafia.
The sad news for her is that she’s really poor at expressing her love, so she and Spike never hook up. Winry lives in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe, which, while cool enough, is not populated by the likes of Spike Spiegel. Thus, she loses this category. Winner? Faye.
Now you’ll have a category saying “hangs out with Edward Elric,” right? Actually, I won’t, because there’s just no comparison between Spike Spiegel and Edward Elric. It’s like a wolf fighting a gnat, you know?
Also, I just don’t like that damn Winry.
Aha! Eh, I think it was pretty clear from the way I tried to stack these categories in Faye’s favor, anyway.
It’s true. Totally true.
Overall winner? Faye Valentine, because my friends can go suck.
Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, has two metal limbs. Which would make him not fullmetal exactly, but at least partially metal. Who else is partially metal, you ask? Could it be the Teen Titans’ Cyborg? It could be and, in fact, is! (What do you mean you knew that because you read the post title? Are you trying to ruin the fun I’m having writing this intro?)
What do these two characters have in common besides being part metal?
God only knows, and hopefully Wikipedia, or I’m going to have to dredge up all my memories from my Teen Titans reading days and junior high was a long time ago.
(Yeah, I mostly pitted them against each other because of the metal thing. It was either that or find some other fictional alchemist, which I’m just too lazy to do.)
On to the battle! Of metal proportions! (That, eh, sounded funnier in my head.)
Physicality. Edward Elric is the petite golden-eyed, golden-haired protaganist of Fullmetal Alchemist. Sometimes Hiromu Arakawa draws him all muscular and serious, and other times he looks like a caricature. But let’s just agree he’s pretty cute, because manga characters are so kawaii, squee!
Victor Stone is the dark-haired, dark-skinned and, let’s assume, tall Cyborg. Sure, part of his face got melted off or whatever and so he’s part robot, but you know what? He’s tall (-er than Edward Elric). Winner? Well, it would be Edward Elric for the whole golden-eyed manga character thing, but my weakness for tall (-er than Edward Elric) men wins out here, and Cyborg takes this category.
Has actual superpowers? Cyborg’s superpower is the power of being partially made of cybernetic limbs that his father made, which is less like having a superpower and more like having a car attached to you. On the other hand, he is preternaturally strong and can probably, I don’t know, shoot lasers out of his robot eye or something. Edward Elric is an alchemist (Yes, you probably guessed that from his code name), which, in the Fullmetal Alchemist universe, is an actual science that works, the exact opposite of the way it does in the real world. So, with a clap of his hands, Edward Elric can transform everyday objects into … other objects. It’s cooler than it sounds, actually, because he can turn a piece of wood into a spear. Shut up. I know everyone can do that if they stab hard enough, but it’s actually a cool power, OK? I just suck at describing it, all right? Winner? Edward Elric.
Has a younger brother who is constantly mistaken for him? Thanks to Edward Elric’s codename being the Fullmetal Alchemist and not The Partially Metal Alchemist (It’s Only One Arm and One Leg), people are constantly confusing his younger brother, Alphonse (who is a soul living in an empty suit of armor), for him. Because, you know, a suit of armor, actually is fullmetal, so it’s like the whole setup was just to make that exact joke! Victor Stone doesn’t seem to have any siblings, or at least wikipedia doesn’t think he does, but even if he did, unless they got involved in some sort of coincidental face- and body-melting tragedy, they probably aren’t mistaken for him. Winner? Edward Elric.
Is a member of a cool team of superheroes? Have I mentioned that Cyborg is associated with the Teen Titans? I hope so, because I don’t feel like explaining it again. Edward Elric is more of a lone wolf, kind of like Wolverine or like Lone Wolf and Cub, but when he gets together with his friends, they comprise a team made up of other alchemists and chimeras who can transform into lion-men and stuff. Although I don’t understand how, if they’re just transforming into stuff and then can transform back, they’re actually chimeras. Maybe it’s the language barrier, I don’t know. Winner? No one! Edward Elric isn’t part of a team, and the Teen Titans kind of suck.
Has a friend who can control fire? In some animated series, Cyborg was friends with Firestorm, who I can only assume has some sort of mastery over fire or else his name is very misleading. Edward Elric is acquaintances with Col. Roy Mustang, a.k.a. the Flame Alchemist, who controls (oh, yeah, you guessed it) flame! Which is also known as fire, if you were having trouble making the connection. Winner? Edward Elric, because, he’s not friends with Roy Mustang in every version of their universe. Or, you know, acquaintances. Whatever.
Kicks ass and takes name? Edward Elric is constantly going up against much stronger opponents, against all odds, and getting his ass handed to him. (It’s not really unexpected.) But he’s a scrappy fighter and a quick learner, so he can hold his own. (Until his ribs get broke.) Cyborg goes up against all sorts of DC baddies that I’ve never heard of, but he seems to come out on top most of the time, except for those times he gets killed, because that always happens to comic book heroes. (It’s worse in the Marvel universe, though.) Winner? We’ll call this one a tie. These boys work hard.
Is trying to save the world? Yes.
Has the pesky habit of protecting innocents and a moral code that prevents him from killing? Yes.
Has a cute little girlfriend who repairs his automail? Cyborg has a … wait a second. Cyborg doesn’t use automail. This question is totally biased, isn’t it? Isn’t it? (Of course it is!) Winner? Edward Elric.
Overall winner? Despite his marked lack of height-itude, we’re going with the golden-eyed boy wonder: Edward “Fullmetal (but not really) Alchemist” Elric.