Q. So, I have discovered that my superpower is the power to go to the bathroom and then the phone rings for me.
A. It’s pretty lame, but I think it could get me a cameo in a Grant Morrison title.
Because it’s time.
(What, like you don’t already know that Rorschach is a masked vigilante from Alan Moore’s masterwork Watchmen and Batman is the goddamned Batman?)
On to the battle!
Physicality. Rorschach is short, red-headed and smells funny. Batman is a millionaire in the peak of his hotness-itude, because we are going with Bruce Wayne’s Batman here, I don’t care what Grant Morrison is writing now. (I mean, I do care, Mr. Morrison. I think you’re awesome. But Bruce is the only Batman for me, and that’s just how it is.) Winner? Batman, easily.
Better costume: Batman wears a costume that makes him look like a giant bat. Why? Because criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot, that’s why. Whatever the reason, it’s an ass-kicking costume, unless it’s from the one movie where they put nipples on it, because who puts nipples on body armor, god. On the other hand, Rorschach wears a trenchcoat and a fedora, so he looks like a film noir detective. Well, except for that weird mask he wears, which covers his face completely (like, how the hell does he see out of that thing, you know?). Coincidentally, the mask is what gives Rorschach his name, because it looks like a rorschach test. Also, the designs on it totally move around for absolutely no reason. Winner? I’m sorry, folks, but I’ve got to go with Rorschach’s moving mask here. That’s just awesome.
Better reason for turning vigilante and fighting crime? Batman, as a young batboy, saw his parents brutally murdered before his eyes after the family went to a viewing of The Mask of Zorro. Coincidentally, Zorro is a masked vigilante. After years of training, he returned to Gotham City, which, duh, of course the place is crime-ridden if you’re going to name it Gotham City, Jesus. Anyway, he returned home and started beating people up. Later, he dressed up as a giant bat. Rorschach was born to a prostitute and some random john. His mother mistreated him. Also, he was bullied. He grew up basically a sociopath, but one with a strong sense of justice. He also bit some kid’s ear off, kind of like a young Mike Tyson. Winner? Hey, if crappy parenting were all it took, the majority of everybody would be masked vigilantes. However, it’s not and they don’t, so Batman wins.
Is shithouse rat crazier? Now, I’m not saying Batman’s not crazy. Because he is. He’s a grown man who dresses up like a bat and fights crime. That’s kind of funny in the head behavior, you know? He’s very crazy. On the other hand, Rorschach is shithouse rat crazy. I mean, his day job is carrying around a sign declaring the world’s going to end soon, and he writes letters to newspapers much like the one I work at, much like the letters we receive. FROM JESUS. That’s his cover, for God’s sake. When he’s Rorschach, shit, you don’t even want to know. He’s a lunatic. I love him so much. Winner? Rorschach.
Most likely to kill you dead as hell? Like that annoying Superman, Batman has this moral code that prevents him from murdering the hell out of people who totally deserve it. Based on that code, I would be the worst masked vigilante ever. On the other hand, Rorschach’s quite willing to murder someone with a vat of hot oil, which is totally an un-superhero-like thing to do and utterly awesome. Winner? Rorschach.
Better detective skills? In some sections, Watchmen is set up like a film noir, with crazy Rorschach crazily narrating while he crazily does some detective work. He’s not bad at it or anything, but he is led to some wrong conclusions pretty easily. I blame his upbringing. Batman only went to the best schools, so he’s the best fictional detective ever (except for L and Sherlock Holmes). Winner? Batman.
Best use of shoe lifts? In real life, Rorschach is shorter than me. But when he’s out on the streets, he’s wearing lifts. I love that about him. It makes him seem more intimidating, because, really, who’s scared of a little teeny guy who will shoot you in the chest with a grappling gun? Everyone, rightfully, but it helps if he looks taller. Batman doesn’t need lifts. He’s the goddamned Batman. Also, he’s pretty tall. Winner? Rorschach.
OK, but how about Grant Morrison’s Arkham Asylum vs. Alan Moore’s Watchmen? These are two of the best comic books in the history of ever, and I only made this category so you guys would know they exist (I know most of you do already, but there’s a couple of you who might not) and READ THEM ALREADY! They are masterpieces!! Winner? A tie!
Saves the world? I can’t think of a specific storyline, but I’m sure Bats has saved the world a couple of times here and there. I mean, he’s the goddamned Batman! Rorschach, however, probably doomed the world by sending his crazy diary of insanity that reveals Adrian Veidt’s plan to save the world by killing a whole lotta folks to a newspaper of ill repute. I know that makes it sound like a weekly rag in a cathouse (you see what I did there?), but I just mean it’s like the World Weekly News to the USA Today. Winner? Batman.
Is the goddamned Batman? Winner? Batman.
Overall winner? The goddamned Batman. (But I still love you, Rorschach!)