Yea! Somebody finally decided to take House out behind the back shed and shoot it in the head! I’m so happy, but I could be happier, like, if they had done this four years ago when the show first started to suck.
I mean, look, I love seeing Hugh Laurie on my television screen as much as (if not more than) anybody, but this show was doddering along like a senility-stricken elephant.
It’s the show’s time, you know?
God bless you, Fox.
Now, please, let Fringe end on a good note.
Shut up, yes, eventually my obsession will relent, all right? Until then, please enjoy seeing the original detective face off against the guy who was clearly created in his image.
(I mean, everybody knows that, right? House? Holmes? Everybody got that, right?)
Anyway, Gregory House is a cranky doctor who solves medical mysteries. Sherlock Holmes is a cranky detective who solves non-medical mysteries.
Is the original better?
Will I use more pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch?
Let’s find out!
Physicality. Blah blah blah, Sherlock Holmes is supposed to be ugly. We all know my stance on that, and how Benedict Cumberbatch’s striking looks have swayed me to the other side. (I’m fickle that way.) On the other hand, Hugh Laurie is a very attractive man. Winner? I can’t choose! Don’t make me choose! How could I choose? (Let’s call this a tie.)
Is currently on a television show that doesn’t suck? I’ve heard this season of House has gotten better, and also, now that Olivia Wilde is totally a movie “actress,” she isn’t on it anymore. I’ve considered watching it again, but have never gotten around to it. The BBC’s Sherlock, however, is very, very excellent and if you aren’t already watching it, you should be, and maybe I should have a viewing party at my place, you’re all invited. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a better best friend/sidekick? House’s bestie/sidekick is oncologist Dr. James Wilson. Gosh, you know who that name reminds me of? Dr. John Watson is who that name reminds me of. Anyhoo, Dr. James Wilson acts as House’s conscience, except he kind of sucks at it because House is still basically (and gloriously) evil, and he’s also never shot anyone. Watson is Holmes’ soul, and also carries a gun. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Has a more interesting romantic life? Holmes hasn’t got a romantic life. House occasionally has one, but I wouldn’t go so far as to call it interesting. Winner? Nobody.
Is more likely to kill you than to save you? Neither of these guys are really all that into the sanctity of human life, but only House is going to treat you for a disease you possibly don’t have because he’s got no time for testing, dammit! Getting treatment for the wrong disease is often quite deadly. Winner? House.
Has a more interesting addiction? Both House and Holmes are addicted to the high that comes with puzzle-solving, so we’re cutting that one out right off the bat here. Holmes, in his down time, occasionally used cocaine until Dr. Watson got him off the stuff. House suffers from severe leg pain and an addiction to vicodin, which no one has been able to talk him off of, and has even got him in trouble with the cops. I’d say that’s kind of interesting. Winner? House.
Has a motorcycle? House sometimes has a motorcycle. Winner? House.
Been to prison? House just got out of prison. Winner? House.
Is the original? Sherlock Holmes is the original. Winner? Holmes.
Has a cooler first name? I like the name Gregory. But it’s no Sherlock. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
It’s time for a tiebreaker, which is odd, because I kind of assumed Holmes would kill this thing. I guess I underestimated my love for Hugh Laurie.
The tiebreaker! Has a better catchphrase? Holmes’ catchphrases are varied and include some of the following: “The game is afoot.” “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” Those are awesome. Once, for Christmas, my mother got me a book of Sherlock Holmes quotations and that was the best Christmas ever. House’s catchprase is short, sweet and to the point: “Everyone lies.” That’s awesome. But I still like Holmes better. Winner? Sherlock Holmes.
Overall winner? Sherlock Holmes, because, duh, I’m obsessed more than usual right now.
So, Sherilyn Fenn, right?
So pretty, right?
And crazy, too, right? I mean, in the “actress who prefers independent films to actually making money” sense of the word. I mean, sure, it’s an art, but what do you do when you can’t afford cocktail wieners, Sherilyn? What do you do then????
Anyway, Sherilyn Fenn’s career peaked in the early ’90s with her role as Audrey Horne on Twin Peaks. (Because I say it peaked then, that’s why.) What has she been up to since then? Well, to find out, first we need to take a look at her past. (Because I say we do, that’s why.)
Fenn’s career began with a role in 1984′s Wild Life, which I want you to know starred Chris Penn, Eric Stoltz and Rick Moranis, making it the most ’80s movie I’ve never heard of. Also, I feel like here is as good a place as any to insert that when she was born in 1965, her name was Sheryl Ann.
Her next appearance was in the made for TV movie Silence of the Heart, which I think I actually watched at a friend’s house, and is about a guy named Skip who killed himself. Probably because his name is Skip, because who would want to live saddled with that moniker?
She appeared on an episode of Cheers in the ’80s, and was in 1987′s Zombie High as Suzi “with an i.” (I don’t know if she actually ever said that, but you would have to assume she must’ve.) Also in the ’80s, she was an an Afterschool Special (remember those things? Whatever became of them?) And also something called True Blood, which has nothing to do with HBO’s gothic vampire series. Her career plodded along briefly along those lines until boom! David Lynch put her in Twin Peaks. (And her career peaked, as I already mentioned.)
(Actually, he had previously worked with her on Wild at Heart, but since her role was “Girl in accident,” I wasn’t sure if that was worth mentioning.)
Things continued to look bright for Fenn in the early ’90s, with roles in Of Mice and Men and … Boxing Helena, which was Jennifer Chambers Lynch’s directorial debut and possibly her attempt to out-crazy her father.
In retrospect, taking that role may have been a mistake, as she followed it up with 1993′s Three of Hearts (not worth explaining) and Fatal Instinct, one of those spoofs that wasn’t as funny as Airplane!. (That’s all of them, by the by.)
Some TV movies here, small roles on Friends there, until Rude Awakening, a sitcom that ran between 1998 and 2001, and that I have never heard of until just this very moment. Anyway, Fenn starred in that, so bully for her! More TV movies and guest roles followed, including one on Law & Order: SVU in 2002, because CSI: NY wasn’t around yet, I guess, and later one on NCIS, because go to hell CSI: Miami! Also, and I think this is great, she played Dr. Harleen Quinzel in the unaired pilot of Birds of Prey, a role later co-opted by previous Whatever Happened to …? Mia Sara! Worlds collided! Boom!
In 2003, she was in something called Dream Warrior, which I’m only including because the title makes me laugh a little, and 2004 saw her in a role in the TV movie Mr. Ed. Yes, about the talking horse. She had a recurring role on David E. Kelley’s Boston Public and finally did get that role on CSI: Miami in 2006. Hell, she was even on Gilmore Girls, a show I never watched. She also had a role on House, but by then they were really focusing on that damn Olivia Wilde’s boring character instead of Hugh Laurie, so I didn’t see it.
And most recently, she was on that episode of Psych that featured the cast of Twin Peaks, and God bless her for it.
Please marry me.
Now, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. This is a marriage of convenience, not anything like love or passion or unplanned pregnancy.
What makes it convenient, you ask? (I’m glad you asked that, Gregory House, MD. Can I call you House? I would feel uncomfortable calling you Greg, ’cause even your best TV friend doesn’t call you Greg.)
What makes it convenient, you ask, House? Well, here’s the thing.
I’m not a great person. I mean, sure, I’m charming, witty, beautiful, a great singer. But I’m a bit of a jerk. I mean, have you seen the things I’ve said about Matt Damon? I’m sure, that if he cared about my opinion whatsoever, his feelings would be totally hurt. (On a related note, Vince Vaughn is still a big fat gross slob and get the hell off the movie screens already.) I’m not that pleasant to be around, House, and people know that.
But — and this is the reason for my proposal here — in comparison to you, I am Mother Frakkin’ Teresa. (Does it kind of dull my point if I insert frakkin’ in between Mother and Teresa? Also, is she a saint yet? Should I have said Saint Frakkin’ Teresa? Is it spelled Theresa? Crap!) I think that if we were to wed, I would look like a bed of roses. I would be a shiny polished brand new car and you, House, would be the clunker that spits black smoke in your face. I would look that good. (Figuratively speaking. Literally speaking, I think you’re really, really hot, and we would look so great together it’s not even funny. Unless laughing at attractive couples is your thing, and I don’t know if it is.)
People would be all like, “Man, that Lokifire is such a bitch,” and other people would be like, “Yeah, but have you met her husband? Sure, he’s a genius doctor and all, but he’s a bit of an ass.” And then they would meet you and boom! I look ever so much better.
Now if you’re wondering what I would bring to this relationship, as it seems I’m reaping all the benefits here with the hot husband who is a jerk so I seem nice in comparison, this is what I bring to the table, House (whom I just can’t get comfortable calling Greg): No interest whatsoever in discussing feelings (yours or mine, House, because, ech, feelings) or not making fun of stupid people, because, Gods, House, what good is living if you can’t make fun of morons? And if that’s not enough to sway you, I promise I will totally not judge your Vicodin addiction and, indeed, might even contribute to your problem. (I’m aware you don’t have a painkiller addiction this season, House, and to that I say: I stopped watching your show several episodes after it became apparent that Olivia Wilde was not going anywhere.)
Anyway, please consider my offer.