So, you’ve met this great guy. Doesn’t talk much. Shy. Basically unkillable.
A real catch, right?
But is he a Hollywood movie monster?
(Because it’s nearly Halloween, don’t you think you should assume he is?)
Anyway, here’s a list for you to find out for sure.
1. So, yeah, he’s the quiet type, but when he does talk, he mentions: a) revenge; b) his preternatural disposition towards evil; c) “arrrghhhh.”
If it’s a), you might be dating Freddy Krueger. Or that guy in the movies whose sensei was wronged or parents were murdered. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers or possibly Jersey Shore’s The Situation (because I can’t make enough Jersey Shore jokes, that’s why!). If it’s c), you could be dating Jason. Or Michael Myers. I actually can’t remember if either of them could speak at all. (Could be a zombie, though.)
2. Your boyfriend has a unique sense of style. He’s always wearing: a) a striped sweater and tekagi; b) a potato sack or something; c) a hockey mask.
If it’s a), your boyfriend’s wardrobe bears a striking resemblance to Freddy Krueger’s. Either that, or he’s the world’s worst-dressed ninja. If it’s b), you could be dating Michael Myers, because what the hell is that thing he’s wearing? If it’s c), you’re probably dating a hockey player. Or Jason. It could be Jason.
3. You and your boyfriend haven’t been intimate because: a), b) and c) the slutty teens always die.
But does it count if you’re getting busy with the killer of said slutty teens? The jury is still out on this one.
4. When you go on a date with your boyfriend, he’s likely to take you to: a) the place where he was murdered by the neighborhood parents; b) Jamie Lee Curtis’s house; c) a creepy summer camp.
If you chose a), you’ve got to ask yourself a couple of things, most importantly being: why are you dating a dead guy? (You can sort out the other questions on your own.) If it’s b), you might be dating Michael Myers, or just a guy who’s realllly into Jamie Lee Curtis. If it’s c), you’re either dating Jason or someone who got suckered into being a camp counselor instead of getting a real job.
5. The word that best describes your boyfriend is: a) slashy; b) stabby; or c) murderous-y.
If you chose c), I’ll just have you know that it totally is a word because I have used it before.
6. Sometimes you think your boyfriend is dead, but: a) he always get resurrected in dreams; b) that’s silly because he can’t be killed; c) it turns out you were actually dating his mother!
It the answer is a), you are probably dating Freddy Krueger, because I can’t think of a single other Hollywood movie monster that would apply to. Unless there’s one in some weird Japanese film or something, I don’t know. If the answer is b), it could be Michael Myers, or it could be Spike Spiegel, if you’re dating him before the last episode of Cowboy Bebop. If it’s c), it’s definitely not Norman Bates, because then you would think mostly the opposite.
7. Your boyfriend can only be defeated by: a) ceasing to fear him and causing him to manifest in the physical world; b) nothing, because he’s Michael Myers; c) crippling mommy issues.
Why would you want to defeat your boyfriend? What kind of relationship do you have, anyway?
8. Your friends don’t like your boyfriend because: a), b) and c) he keeps murdering them. Also, his breath.
That covers any of these guys. But what does peer pressure mean to you? You’re in love!
9. Your boyfriend’s idea of a good time is: a) stalking teens in their dreams and killing them; b) stalking teens in their houses and killing them; or c) stalking teens at summer camp and killing them.
He sounds like fun.
10. And, finally, you know you’re dating a Hollywood movie monster when: a), b) and c) he stars in a remake. Possibly by Rob Zombie, and almost certainly featuring Jackie Earle Haley.
There is no doubt about it. You are dating a Hollywood movie monster.
At first I was going to have Michael Myers in a face-off (ha, ha) against Freddy Krueger, but then I thought, hey! Jason Voorhees wears a mask (actually, I thought “That guy from Friday the 13th wears a mask,” and Google supplied me with the rest) and he also doesn’t kill from some sort of strange dream world where your dreams kill you (and also Johnny Depp! NOOOOOO!!).
(Also, I think there was a movie where Jason and Freddy faced off for some reason, so … wait, what was my logic again?)
Nope, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are two horrific serial killers who are firmly grounded in reality. Or a reasonable approximation of it. Or a reasonable approximation of a reasonable approximation of reality.
I have never said reasonable approximation so many times before in my life. Don’t the words look kind of funny now, like when you say your name a bunch of times and trip yourself out?
Um, anyway, onto the battle of the masked teen-killing guys.
I guess they deserve a physicality entry, since everybody else gets one, but don’t they both wear masks because underneath they’re horrific? Or does Michael Myers even wear a mask? Do I just think it’s a mask because his face looks like a potato sack? Winner: Jason Voorhees, because hockey masks are OK-looking, sure, why not.
Murdered the hell out of a bunch of sex-crazed teens? Boy, is this ever a tie. If it wasn’t for sex-crazed teens, who would movie monsters kill? Happily wedded couples? Pshaw! Boring. Scantily-clad teenagers being mutilated to death is waaaay more entertaining.
Satisfyingly killed at the end of each film? Yes and yes. Apparently, each Halloween (except Halloween III, which was stupid and I couldn’t watch it even when I went through my “Halloween phase,” as I like to call it, which was the phase where I rented the first three Halloween movies and watched 2.33 of them) and each Friday the 13th has to have the good guys defeat the baddies. Winner? Tie again.
Death satisfyingly retconned for the sequel? Well, Jason and Michael have both been brought back from the dead repeatedly and with somewhat less than satisfying explanations/results. Winner? Tie.
Errrr, these guys seem pretty evenly matched up. I know, right? This sucks.
The physical embodiment of evil? No one’s denying that Jason Voorhees is evil, unless there’s a Friday the 13th with a psychologist who thinks he’s just misunderstood and then gets killed, but no one ever said he was evil personified, like Michael Myers. People said that about him. A lot. Winner? Michael Myers.
Fought Freddy Krueger once? Wait, that’s no fair. I already mentioned this in the intro. I’ve never even seen a Friday the 13th movie, so, by default, I like Michael Myers better and should be stacking these questions in his favor!! Winner: Jason Voorhees.
Better theme music? I don’t know what the Friday the 13th theme sounds like (or if there even is one), and since I’m doing this at work (shhhhh), I can’t pop in the earbuds and take a listen, so Winner? Halloween! Everyone knows the dee-doo-dee-dee-doo theme!
Didn’t have to resort to having his mommy kill people for him? Yeah, was Jason Voorhees even in the first Friday the 13th? It was like the opposite of Psycho or something. Michael Myers, on the other hand, never needed mommy to do any killing for him. Unless he did in one of the sequels I didn’t see, I don’t know. Anyway, until I start watching slasher flicks … winner? Michael Myers!
Now you’re really stacking these questions in Michael Myers’ favor! I know, right?
Overall winner? Michael Myers, for being the monster in the slasher films I actually saw!