Sooooo … sorry about your girlfriend.
I mean, the way she was possessed by Candarian demons and tried to kill you? That’s really tragic. Also the way you had to behead her? I am so sorry. And the way she crawled out of her grave and did a creepy stop-motion dance? That is more than one man should have to endure.
But I want you to know: I’m here for you.
Actually, Evil Dead 2′s Ash, I want you to know this as well: I love you. I love you as much as any woman can love a man with a chainsaw hand. Which is a lot.
I mean, wow! You have a chainsaw hand!
A chainsaw hand!
A CHAINSAW HAND!
What’s better than a chainsaw hand?
In addition to your chainsaw hand, which is certainly one of your most appealing traits, I appreciate your willingness to slaughter Candarian demons, whether they be possessing your girlfriend’s corpse or not.
I mean, that’s awesome.
Who doesn’t want to date a guy who’s a master of Candarian demon-slaying? I mean, come on! That’s what I look for in every guy I date, which is why none of them will ever live up to you, Evil Dead 2′s Ash. Because you, sir, are the original. You are the master.
I love you.
Also, you grow up to become Sam Axe and hang out with Michael Westen and his Charger, and I could totally get on board with that.
In honor of two of my favorite-est shows returning for new seasons/half-seasons, I present this battle between Fi and Sarah.
Both these ladies are ass-kicking beauties who have a variety of skills, from the art of seduction to driving fast cars to conning the hell out of an unwitting mark. Yup, Fiona and Sarah are badasses all the way.
But whose ass is badder?
And does that even make sense?
Errr, on to the battle! Of fictional ladies! Whoo!
Physicality. There’s no denying that both Fiona Glenanne and Sarah Walker are beautiful, beautiful women. Fiona has this kind of, I don’t know, elegance about her. She looks very Renaissance, like women would have looked back then if they had been much, much thinner.
Sarah, on the other hand, is possibly the most beautiful girl ever. Really, though, the only complaint you could have is that Fiona is really, really skinny and whoever picks out her wardrobe is doing a poor job of hiding that. Winner? Sarah. I mean, she’s just so pretty.
Ass-kicking quotient? Here is another nearly even match. While Sarah is better with the ol’ fisticuffs, Fiona won’t hesitate to blow you to hell with a neatly planted bomb. They’re both good with guns and have no qualms about kicking you in the face should the need arise. Winner? It’s a total tie.
Has a cute brunette boyfriend? Sure, sure, they’re both on-again, off-again, but you know when the cameras are done rolling forever on both these shows, the viewers want Chuck and Sarah and Michael Westen and Fiona together. Although I wouldn’t mind seeing Michael and Sarah on a date, that would be some kind of awesome, am I right? (I’m sooooo right. Especially if said date led to some sort of international hijinks and they had to kick ass together, and Chuck and Fiona were all like, this sucks, and then Fiona was like, hey, wanna blow stuff up? and Chuck was like, well, I’ve got nothing better to do. Sure. And then they did.) But really, both have super cute brunette boyfriends and the only difference is do you prefer your boy clean-cut and snarky or floppy-haired and sweet (yet snarky). And the answer is: it doesn’t matter. Clean-cut, floppy-haired, they’re the brunettes with the hot girlfriends. Winner? A tie again!
Fights for good? Sarah is with the CIA, a.k.a. the government. Depending on your perspective, that can be a good thing or a bad thing. However, all of the missions of hers we’ve witnessed involved saving innocent (or at least semi-innocent) people from a horrible fate. Fi also fights for the little guy at the side of her super smokin’ hot boyfriend Michael. Before that, however, she was in the IRA, which means she was completely and utterly evil. And she’s actually still kind of evil. Winner? Sarah.
Sweeter ride? I know Fi drives a Saab, unless it got blowed up good on some episode I missed. Sarah drives some sporty little number. The real competition here, then, is between their boyfriend’s cars. Chuck drives a Nerd Herder, which is a cute little, I don’t know, something German or maybe Swedish? Anyway, it’s totally cute and John Casey put all sorts of awesome extras into it, so it’s like some sort of super spy-car now.
On the other hand, Michael Westen drives a 1971 Charger. Winner? Fiona.
Better cover identity? Sarah’s cover identity is that she works at a yogurt shop and is Chuck’s on-again off-again girlfriend. Fiona doesn’t bother with a cover ID. Winner? In this case, I’m going to have to go with Fiona, because like anyone is going to buy that a chick that looks like Sarah wouldn’t be an aspiring model or something.
Gets to hang out with Bruce Campbell? You know, I like to think that if Bruce Campbell wasn’t so busy with Burn Notice right now, he would totally make time for a guest shot on Chuck. Unfortunately, he is totally busy with Burn Notice, so Fiona wins again.
That’s weird. You don’t even like Fiona. It’s true.
On the other hand, gets to hang out with Adam Baldwin? The best Baldwin brother of all! (He’s not one of the Baldwin brothers, so he (and we) wins.) Also, Sarah wins.
On to a tiebreaker? On to a tiebreaker.
The final, tie-breaking question? Errr, I actually hadn’t thought any further ahead than the cute boyfriend question.
How much prep goes into these things, anyway? Oh, tons. Just tons.
You ready to get on with it now? Yes?
The ultimate tie-breaking question: Better opening credits for your supra-awesome show, ladies? Oh, man, now that’s just a hard one. Burn Notice has the whole “I’m Michael Westen. I used to be a spy, until….” But Chuck has the whole “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA can’t count nas and type while singing the Cake theme song there!” But isn’t Burn Notice’s intro basically a recap? Yeah, but “a friend who used to inform on you to the FBI.” “You know spies, a bunch of bitchy little girls.” But Chuck has the cute little animated guy! Why did I make this question the tie-breaker? Why indeed?!! Winner? Sarah, because Burn Notice’s intro isn’t a proper show opener at all. It’s a recap. (Still awesome, though.)
Overall winner? Wow, this was a tighter race than I thought it would be. Sarah. Barely. Try a little harder next time, why don’t you, spy-girl?
Oh, for the days of our youth when Richard Dean Anderson taught us that all you really need to make it in this world is a little floss, some duct tape and a whole lot of chutzpah. Huh. Until Google told me otherwise, I always thought there was an “s” in there somewhere.
Luckily for the children of the oughts, there’s a new MacGyver to teach us how to wreak havoc and free hostages with only household supplies on hand. That man? Is Michael Westen, the super-smokin’-hot protaganist of Burn Notice.
What happens when you pit old-school vs. new-school?
Let’s find out.
Physicality? Well, if I had to rate them, which I do, because I’m making myself do it, Michael Westen would be a 10 on the super-smokin’-hotness scale, which only goes up to 5. MacGyver would be a 5, and that’s mostly nostalgia talking. I’m not saying he’s not hot, because he is, I’m saying he’s not as super-smokin’-hot as Michael Westen. Which is why this round’s winner is Michael Westen.
Rocks a mullet? Oh, MacGyver. Women wrote odes to your flowing tresses, and they all managed to fit the phrase “business in the front, party in the back” into them. Winner? MacGyver.
Is friends with Bruce Campbell? Look, I know Bruce Campbell’s Burn Notice character’s name is Sam Axe, which is an awesome, nay, a spectacularly awesome name, but when you see Bruce Campbell, do you think of any name but Bruce Campbell? No you do not, because he is Bruce Campbell, and also a god. And, as far as I can tell from his imdb page, he was never on MacGyver. Winner? Michael “Friends with Bruce Campbell” Westen.
Blows shit up? Ermm, my memory is a little foggy, and my go-to guy Google is of no help here, but I’m not sure MacGyver ever blew things up, except possibly in a credit card commercial. Michael Westen and his little friend Fi, however, blow shit up constantly. They blow shit up like mad. It’s like blowing shit up is their specialty. Winner? Michael “I blow shit up” Westen.
Uses household products for nefarious … er, I mean “moral” purposes? Look, Michael Westen is always telling us how to use cell phones as bugs or how to make explosives out of cake mix or what-have-you, but he almost always has one little mystery ingredient that keeps the parents of stupid kids from suing the USA network. And that one little mystery ingredient is almost certainly not a household product. MacGyver, however, did not have access to such products, and thus hotwired a car with toothpaste one time. (Note: this scenario almost certainly never happened in an episode in MacGyver, but, if it didn’t, it should have.) Winner? Mac “Mad Improvisation Skillz” Gyver.
Former spy? Oh, for MacGyver, there’s no “former” about it. He’s all secret agent man, all the time. Winner? *Gasp* MacGyver.
Lokifire can spell your name? You don’t know how many “u”s I’ve had to remove from MacGyver. (Between the G and the y, if you were wondering.) Michael Westen, I didn’t get wrong once. Winner? Michael “Name Recognition” Westen.
Since I only put in that last category out of a deep-seated (seeded?) preference for Michael Westen, it seems only fair that we have a tiebreaker. The tiebreaker? How sweet is your ride, g-man? MacGyver mostly drove jeeps or jeep-like vehicles or pickup trucks during the course of the television show. Although he did rent a Mustang once, which fills Lokifire with so much joy! But Michael Westen inherited his dad’s 1973 Charger, which is one big fat muscle car all the time, MacGyver. Winner? Michael. Westen.
Word on the street, or the internets, which is like the street now, except for less traffic and all that pesky leaving your house and the like, is that Sam Mendes plans to make a Preacher movie!
Of course, since they’ve been planning to make a Preacher movies since the ’90s, with suggestions for casting Jesse Custer as widely varied and generally craptacular as Ben Affleck to James “Cyclops” Marsden (wait, that’s not widely varied at all. It’s the opposite of that), I’m not exactly holding my breath. I am, however, cautiously optimistic. A bit. Ish.
In the meantime, however, let’s make a list!
Preacher: the most perfect cast ever!
1. Jesse Custer: Jeffrey Donovan of Burn Notice. He’s no Ben Affleck, but — oh, no, wait. “He’s no Ben Affleck” is his selling point.
2. Tulip O’Hare: I could recommend Gabriel Anwar just to keep the whole Burn Notice theme going, but she’s kind of scrawny, so I want someone with a little more brawn. Which is why I’m going to suggest Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck. She’s beautiful, and I believe that she could truly kick everyone’s ass 12 ways from Sunday, if that is indeed a cliche.
3. Cassidy: Someone recommended Guy Pearce, who would be good, but I think once I said it should be Edward Norton, and I stand by that. Unless they can get Robert Carlyle, and then they should. In fact, go to hell, Norton.
4. Saint of Killers: At first I thought the only option was bringing John Wayne back from the dead, but then I realized Clint Eastwood is John Wayne brought back from the dead.
5. Arseface: Hey, that Zac Efron kid was looking to be taken seriously as an actor, right? Playing a disfigured Kurt Cobain fan is just the ticket! Just make sure to flashback to his pretty, pretty face. (Soooo pretty!)
6. Herr Starr: Patrick Stewart. Mostly for the baldness, partly for the Jean-Luc Picardness.
7. Genesis: Do not go with some craptastic CGI for this thing. We need whoever makes Guillermo del Toro’s monsters and we need them stat.
8. Jody: I’ve heard the name “Woody Harrelson” tossed around for this guy, but since I hate him for the whole “Zombies made me hit the paparrazzi” thing, like, take pride in your papparazzi beating, dude, I’m going to have to say let’s poach another Chuck actor instead: Adam Baldwin. I fear/love him. Flove?
9. Gran’ma: Does Elizabeth Taylor still act? Or breathe? She would be good.
10. God: Just … not Alanis Morrissette, okay?