Remember Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom? I know the part you’re remembering right now is the part where they rip that guy’s heart out before sending him into a pit of fire, but I want you to think harder, and remember Indy’s sidekick.
That’s right. Shortround.
Unless you remember Goonies, which I obviously don’t, or I’d've remembered that one Hobbit being in it, that was the last time you saw Jonathan Ke Quan on the big screen.
So what has he been doing since then? And what was he doing prior to then?
Ke Huy-Quan was born in 1971 in Vietnam, and speaks fluent English, Vietnamese, Mandarin and Cantonese, which is four more languages than most Internet users are fluent in, ha-ha, zing. Anyway, his family was selected for political asylum in the United States when he was young, which is already pretty lucky, but then he gets to star in a movie with a young Harrison Ford? I mean, no wonder he hasn’t done much acting since then. How could he improve on that, you know?
So Jonathan Ke Quan’s career began with The Temple of Doom in 1984, continued with The Goonies in 1985, and then went into hibernation mode as he starred in a TV series I’ve never heard of from 1986 to ’87, called “Together We Stand,” which is described as a “formulaic, inoffensive couple-with-kids sitcom.” Apparently, it was originally conceived as a Brady Bunch spin-off, so I already hate it.
He then had a part in a Japanese movie that even IMDB isn’t sure it’s heard of, and then was on another sitcom in the early ’90s, Head of the Class. (It starred that guy from WKRP in Cincinnati, remember?) (And now you know: yes, I am much, much older than you.)
He had a few more roles after that, most recently in Second Time Around, which is a time-travel drama about gambling. That was in 2002.
So what the hell’s he been doing for the last eight years? Does Harrison write?
Well, it turns out that, like my hero Tak Sakaguchi, Jonathan Ke Quan went on to become a stunt choreographer! Maybe he and Tak Sakaguchi are friends. That would be so awesome.
Ke Quan worked on stunt choreography in X-Men and The One, that Jet Li movie I watched because it had Jet Li in it. Actually, it had multiple Jet Lis in it because it was some sort of multiverse story. So we got to see Jet Li fighting Jet Li! I can’t believe I didn’t go blind from the power of the awesome.
And, um, those movies came out a long time ago, but that’s the most recent information the Internet has on Ke Quan, so I hope things are going OK for him now.
To bring you this breaking Top Ten list.
Because somebody read one of my “Keanu Reeves sucks” posts and said this:
“Keanu is part Chinese, and Asians are generally known for their unexpressiveness when compared to their Caucasian counterparts. Keanu has a lot of fans in Asia, and here there are far fewer jibes at his lack of expression than I see in Western magazines and websites.”
Because apparently, Asian people’s faces are genetically programmed to be less expressive than their “Caucasian counterparts.” I mean, that’s what this person is saying, right? Because if they mean it’s a cultural thing, then KEANU REEVES STILL HAS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE HE IS FROM AMERICA.
Here’s a list of actors that proves this theory is a pile of steaming poo. (Much like Keanu’s attempts to act, Christ!)
1. Takeshi Kaneshiro. Takeshi Kaneshiro is the anti-Keanu. He’s just as good-looking, but he’s not a boring plank of wood. Also, he can speak, like, two dozen languages, and Keanu has trouble with one.
2. Jet Li. Jet Li has it all: mad kung fu skillz, good looks and the ability to out-act most actors in Hollywood.
3. Ziyi Zhang. Is also gorgeous, slick with the kung fu and dancing, and ooooh, she can act in English and Chinese.
4. Jackie Chan. I love Jackie Chan so much! (Not the way his career is going as he reaches his golden years. You deserve so much better, Jackie!) Despite being inspired by “The Great Stone Face,” Buster Keaton, Jackie Chan is anything but unexpressive.
5. Kenichi Matsuyama. Kenichi is a very pretty man who happens to be able to act.
6. Michelle Yeoh. Yes, I watch a lot of movies where people are ass-kicking action heroes. Michelle Yeoh is one of the ass-kickingest of all. She’s beautiful and ACTS.
7. Chow Yun Fat. This is a guy I always think of as being able to whip out the complete works of The Bard on command. He’s just so classy! And talented.
8. Tatsuya Fujiwara. My misgivings about the shape of his head aside, this guy did a great job portraying Light Yagami in the Death Note movies.
9. Sandra Oh. I have the opportunity to mention Last Night a second time on this blog! What a great film! What a great performance! It’s such a shame that Sandra Oh needs a steady paycheck, or perhaps she wouldn’t be stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.
10. Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. We can’t omit the greatest. From Karate Kid to M*A*S*H, Morita bought a sensitivity to each role that Keanu Reeves could never, ever, EVER in his wildest dreams attempt to emulate.
Because you are getting two Top Ten lists in a day! Possibly more, if you went to some other blog and read one of their top 10 lists, but why would you do that?
Now, Hollywood might hate me (and does, as evidenced by consistently putting Keanu Reeves in films that might not have otherwise sucked), but Japan is still my friend.
I know this because of Alien vs. Ninja. God bless you, Japan. God bless your tentacle-loving hearts.
The basic plot of Alien vs. Ninja is that aliens land and are fought by Iga Ninja, the best ninja of all (go to hell, Kouga ninja!). Why, yes, I am a shinobi otaku and have several books on the subject, why do you … ? Oh, you were asking sarcastically. I get it. I do! I get it.
At any rate, what could be better than ninja (especially Iga ninja) fighting aliens?
Only about ten things, that’s what! (But, really, only marginally better, because, damn! Alien vs. Ninja!)
1. Zombies vs. Ninja. Yes, I had to. You knew it was coming, so isn’t it best I got it out of the way right off the bat?
2. Androids vs. Ninja. Y’all do know a picture of the hot cylon Samuel Anders will be used to illustrate this point, don’t you?
3. Zombies vs. Ninja androids. I’m just sayin’, someone needs to build a ninja android. They could call it “The Stealthbot.” Or perhaps something less lame, I don’t know.
4. Kouga Ninja vs. Iga Ninja. Oops, they already did that. It was called “Basilisk.” (Or the Kouga Ninja Scrolls, if you’re talking the novel.)
5. Vampires vs. Ninja. Especially if it’s those pussy Twilight vampires, and we get to spend two hours watching ninja whale on them utterly.
6. The cast of Cowboy Bebop vs. Ninja. I don’t remember a ninja episode. There was a crazy samurai episode. There should’ve been a ninja episode.
7. Ninja Assassin vs. Ninja. Went rogue, did ya? Face your former ninja teammates in some sort of, I don’t know, death battle! Actually, this is probably the plot of Ninja Assassin. (No, I don’t know what the plot of Ninja Assassin will be. I want to see it because it is called Ninja Assassin. I don’t care what it’s about. It has a ninja who is also an assassin.)
8. Samurai vs. Ninja. There’s probably tons of movies about this, but you know what? There could be more.
9. Jet Li vs. Jackie Chan, and one of them is a ninja. Wouldn’t the just be the bestest movie ever?
10. Gunslinging android priests vs. Ninja zombies. O.M.G. Guys! What could possibly be cooler than zombies, androids and ninja in one movie? Nothing! Nothing could possibly be cooler! Best movie ever.