So you think you’re dating Keanu Reeves: A modern teen’s guide
So, lately, I’ve noticed that Keanu Reeves hasn’t been too busy ruining movies I would otherwise want to go see with his wooden, wooden acting. That means he must have plenty of time for dating right now! He might even be dating you!
(But probably not!)
Let’s find out anyway:
1. Is your boyfriend a terrible, dreadful, incredibly wooden (yet attractive) actor?
Chances are he’s Keanu Reeves, but he could maybe be Channing Tatum too.
Lift weights or take acting classes? Lift weights or take acting classes?
2. Does he ever smile?
I’m not sure Keanu Reeves does that.
Happy?
3. Was he pretty good in The Matrix, though?
Laurence Fishburne was pretty good in The Matrix.
Wow, he really does look like King Mob.
Well, it’s not like Hollywood ever gets “pasty” and “British” right, anyway.
4. How about trench coats? Does he look good in those?
And not, like, I don’t know, kind of stubby and stupid?
Mmmm, trench coat-y.
5. Was he John Constantine once, because, apparently, Hollywood doesn’t know what “Blond” and “British” are?
“That’s the same thing as ‘brunette’ and ‘bad actor,’ right?”
6. Would he be horribly miscast as Spike Spiegel?
Oh, God, wouldn’t he, though?
Because Spike is the best, that’s why.
7. Have you tried convincing him to model instead?
“I’m an actor,” he replied.
Acting!
8. “Sweetheart, I really think you should consider it,” you said, gently.
“What are you, a film critic?” he said.
9. “No, honey, I’m just a person who enjoys watching films, except when you are in them, because you’re just … well … really bad at them.”
“How come I keep getting cast in them, then?” he answered.
10. “Blackmail? Are you blackmailing someone?”
You’re blackmailing someone, right?
So, to answer your question: You’re probably not dating Keanu Reeves. At least, not anymore, because that last conversation really hurt his feelings.
Awwww, sad Keanu.
A love letter to (Shotaro) Kaneda
Dear (Shotaro) Kaneda,
I just want you to know that I heard the live-action Akira movie is back on and I am so, so, so sorry. Firstly, because they can never do justice to the great original work, and secondly, because they can never do justice to you, the perfect boy.
The perfect boy has a laser gun.
I mean it, Kaneda. There is no movie star alive that could do you justice.
Maybe if they brought Buster Keaton back from the dead, that might be okay, but even he isn’t Japanese enough, I don’t care how awesome he is (was).
He was so awesome, he rode to work hanging onto the fronts of trains. Because he could, that's why.
Of course, because they’re making this movie for American audiences, it’s not like any of the cast is going to be any more Japanese than Keanu Reeves anyway, so we should just prepare for … I don’t know. That kid from Twilight.
Or the other one. Whichever.
And I want you to know, Kaneda, that I won’t stand for it! I will staunchly refuse to go see the live-action Akira movie the same way I have staunchly refused to go see any movie I might have to pay for myself since I became unemployed. But with more complaining.
And why?
It’s because I love you, Kaneda. You and your laser gun-shooting, futuristic motorcycle-driving, psychic ass-kicking ways.
Oh, Kaneda. So much psychic ass did you kick.
So rest assured that for me, Kaneda, you will never be (insert affordable white star’s name here), but always a scruffy street punk with panache to spare.
And a post-apocalyptic Neo-Tokyo to rule.
Stay classy!
Stop making me say thank you, Hollywood
I mean, what with all the good news lately, you’re starting to make me think we could be … I don’t know … friends or something. Like maybe you were just kidding all those times before and now, Hollywood, you’re ready to make amends.
And I just can’t trust that, Hollywood.
Because I know how you are.
For every (FINALLY THANK YOU GOD FOR SMILING UPON ME I AM SO VERY HAPPY) canceled live-action Akira project, there’s a 47 Ronin STARRING KEANU REEVES. (Looks like the rest of the cast is pretty much Japanese, though, thank heavens for small (very small) favors.)
Neo-Tokyo doesn't trust you either, Hollywood.
Anyway, I’m not going to thank you, Hollywood, for killing the live-action Akira movie, because, well, you really don’t deserve it. But if you wanna be friends (and ruin the name of my blog), keep it up and we’ll see.
Well, at least I won't have to make tee-shirts.
Silly crossword
So I was doing the crossword puzzle the other day (because when you’re unemployed but you’ve got your newspaper subscription paid up through winter, what else are you going to do?), and I was puzzled by this clue: Actor Reeves.
Well, that’s funny, I thought. Christopher’s last name is Reeve, with no “S.” And “Christopher” doesn’t fit anyway.
So I left it blank until later, when I had enough letters to come up with “Keanu.”
So you see why I had trouble.
See, it's because the clue said "Actor," and he's just, you know, NOT.
I’m so happy, I could kiss a pig
Knowing that Keanu Reeves won’t be in Akira: The Unnecessary Remake that No One Wants is just the best news ever! I feel so lucky, I am going to go out and buy a lottery ticket right now! Whooo!
And, after I've won the lottery, I'm totally having a motorcycle custom-made for me.
I told you they hated me, and here is proof
So, not only a live-action Akira movie (why???) but also they’re thinking of casting Keanu Reeves (WHY????) as my frakking hero KANEDA (WHYYYYYYYYYYY??????)!!!
Goddammit, this is the end times, after all.
And we deserve it if we are going to cast Keanu Reeves as Kaneda, because that casting makes the baby Jesus cry.
Tron Legacy is so shiny and pretty, omigod
Shiny! Pretty! Oooooooh!
For the things Tron Legacy got right, I can forgive it for the things it got wrong.
For instance, it got right not casting Shia LaBeouf as Sam Flynn. Even though I’ve never heard of Garrett Hedlund before, I really appreciate that he’s not Shia LaBeouf. That’s great news. Just great!
For an actor, not being Shia LaBeouf is even more awesome than not being Keanu Reeves.
Also, they got Jeff Bridges back, who is awesome.
Ooooooooh!
Also, the special effects are great. So shiny, squee!
Shiny!
And Olivia Wilde is totally beautiful.
And she has one of those light-up disc things.
As far as the things they got wrong, only two things stood out for me:
Young Jeff Bridges just doesn’t look human enough. The good news is, Young Jeff Bridges is a computer program or whatever, so he doesn’t have to look all that human, so it’s OK. Although still a bit creepy.
Please let this not become a thing for all movies that want to cast aging actors as their younger selves, please, please, PLEASE.
Olivia Wilde is an awfully wooden actress, but I think in this case, that will work to her favor, like Keanu Reeves’ wooden performance as Neo in The Matrix. So it’s also not a big issue, but I just can’t forgive her for ruining House for me, so I thought I should mention it.
Gah! You House-ruining ... so. Pretty.
So, I forgive you, Disney, for ruining every fairy tale ever because I like shiny things.
So. Shiny.
Wile E. Coyote vs. Wylie Times
One’s a cartoon coyote. The other’s a comic book hitman. (That’s pretty simplified, but you try to explain 100 Bullets in one sentence. And it can’t be a run-on!!)
I'm trapped in an existential nightmare!
Not my favorite picture of Wylie Times, but one of the few that was a decent size.
What do they have in common?
Probably not much.
But let’s get down to business anyway, shall we?
Physicality. Wile E. Coyote is a cartoon coyote. I know I said that already, but I just want you to know why he’s going to lose this category. Wylie Times is a human drawn by Eduardo Risso, which means he’s very noir-ish, but also? More attractive than a cartoon coyote. Winner? Wylie Times.
More of a danger to those surrounding him? Unless you’re the roadrunner, the chances of you dying by being in the vicinity of Wile E. Coyote seem pretty great. After all, he’s always setting off bombs and rockets and making roads that lead off cliffs. Wylie Times is a member of The Minutemen, guardians of The Trust, who is called the “Point Man” because he never shoots a bullet without having a point to it. I don’t actually remember anyone calling him “Point Man” in 100 Bullets, but it’s in his character bio, so I guess? Anyway, you don’t get to be a Minuteman by being some pussy who doesn’t shoot, stab or punch people in the brains on occasion. Winner? This is a tie. These guys are walking calamities.
"You're a coyote and you want to order a rocket? Great! We'll ship it right out."
Leads a more pointless existence? Wile E. Coyote is, apparently, a millionaire coyote or one who is very good at credit card fraud, as he is always ordering equipment of destruction from the Acme Company so he can kill and eat the roadrunner. The irony is that if he has all this money, why doesn’t he just order a pizza? Or an assassin to kill the roadrunner? Or buy a roadrunner farm and raise his own roadrunners and eat them? Wylie Times was a Minuteman who, when The Trust decided they were unnecessary, was supposedly murdered but was actually “deactivated” and works as a gas station attendant. Later, he is “reactivated,” and just read 100 Bullets already, a’ight? He is murdered by another Minuteman, which is a shame, because he and Cole were two of my favorites. Winner? Wile E. Coyote. At least Wiley Times’ life had a few minutes of worthwhileness about it.
Two things about Cole Burns that make me sad: 1) his ridiculous death; 2) they were going to have Keanu Reeves portray him in the video game.
Has a tragic love? Wile E. Coyote’s tragic love is the love of eating roadrunner meat. So it’s not really “love” at all. More like “hunger.” Or “starvation.” Wylie Times was in love with Rose, a member of The Trust, who betrayed them and had to be murdered. By Wylie. Because it was his job. Later, he fell in love a bit with Dizzy Cordova, like who didn’t, you know? Winner? Wylie Times.
Wylie and Dizzy make a really hot couple.
Was more successful in reaching his goals? The whole point of Wile E. Coyote is that he never eats the roadrunner. That’s really sad. Wylie Times became a Minuteman again and possibly committed suicide by other hitman. Maybe. Look, 100 Bullets is pretty dense, and I think I misinterpreted a lot of it. Anyway, he had better luck than that poor damn coyote. So, winner? Wylie Times.
Got to hang out with Dizzy Cordova? Hey, I said everybody fell in love with the girl, all right? I wish I could hang out with her. Since Wylie Times got to, he’s a winner in my book. Winner? Wylie Times.
Beautiful AND deadly. What's not to love?
Has cooler gadgets? Wile E. Coyote has access to all sorts of gadgets, and has also done things like strap bottle rockets to roller skates, which is awesome. Wylie Times mostly shoots people with guns, which is also awesome, but not very tech-y. Winner? Wile E. Coyote.
Overall winner? By virtue of being in one of the best comic books ever, Wylie “Point Man” (I really don’t remember them calling him that) Times.
Please read 100 Bullets. It is all sorts of awesome.
We now interrupt my slap-fest …
To bring you this breaking Top Ten list.
Why?
Because somebody read one of my “Keanu Reeves sucks” posts and said this:
“Keanu is part Chinese, and Asians are generally known for their unexpressiveness when compared to their Caucasian counterparts. Keanu has a lot of fans in Asia, and here there are far fewer jibes at his lack of expression than I see in Western magazines and websites.”
Because apparently, Asian people’s faces are genetically programmed to be less expressive than their “Caucasian counterparts.” I mean, that’s what this person is saying, right? Because if they mean it’s a cultural thing, then KEANU REEVES STILL HAS NO EXCUSE BECAUSE HE IS FROM AMERICA.
Here’s a list of actors that proves this theory is a pile of steaming poo. (Much like Keanu’s attempts to act, Christ!)
1. Takeshi Kaneshiro. Takeshi Kaneshiro is the anti-Keanu. He’s just as good-looking, but he’s not a boring plank of wood. Also, he can speak, like, two dozen languages, and Keanu has trouble with one.
And like he would even need to bother, I mean, he's made of rainbows and sunshine and all the other miracles of God's creation.
2. Jet Li. Jet Li has it all: mad kung fu skillz, good looks and the ability to out-act most actors in Hollywood.
And a gaze of STEEL.
3. Ziyi Zhang. Is also gorgeous, slick with the kung fu and dancing, and ooooh, she can act in English and Chinese.
AND kick your ass.
4. Jackie Chan. I love Jackie Chan so much! (Not the way his career is going as he reaches his golden years. You deserve so much better, Jackie!) Despite being inspired by “The Great Stone Face,” Buster Keaton, Jackie Chan is anything but unexpressive.
He is one of the best physical comedians EVER, and I love him for it.
5. Kenichi Matsuyama. Kenichi is a very pretty man who happens to be able to act.
Don't you just want to feed this boy?
6. Michelle Yeoh. Yes, I watch a lot of movies where people are ass-kicking action heroes. Michelle Yeoh is one of the ass-kickingest of all. She’s beautiful and ACTS.
At least, when you're skewered, you can be grateful you were killed by someone this beautiful.
7. Chow Yun Fat. This is a guy I always think of as being able to whip out the complete works of The Bard on command. He’s just so classy! And talented.
I mean, look at him! CLASSY.
8. Tatsuya Fujiwara. My misgivings about the shape of his head aside, this guy did a great job portraying Light Yagami in the Death Note movies.
I don't get why he's such a heart-throb in Japan, but whatever.
9. Sandra Oh. I have the opportunity to mention Last Night a second time on this blog! What a great film! What a great performance! It’s such a shame that Sandra Oh needs a steady paycheck, or perhaps she wouldn’t be stuck on Grey’s Anatomy.
I understand, Sandra. We all need to eat.
10. Pat “Mr. Miyagi” Morita. We can’t omit the greatest. From Karate Kid to M*A*S*H, Morita bought a sensitivity to each role that Keanu Reeves could never, ever, EVER in his wildest dreams attempt to emulate.
Pat Morita is a god among men. I say that with the utmost sincerity.
Top ten searches to find my blog, all in one post!
So, it turns out that, today at least, these are the top 10 things that people used to find Hollywood Hates Me. By combining them into one post, I am assuring this will be my most popular post evah. Gods, I’m clever.
1. Amy Adams. I’ve only posted about her once when I was talking about that godawful Leap Year, but I used a really cool photo, so I assume people are coming here for copies of that.
I mean, that's a really cool picture, innit?
2. Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. I didn’t realize her popularity was so enduring.
Or that so many people were so desperate for a photo of her in suspenders.
3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Really. I had no idea.
4. Donnie Darko. I’m actually surprised that I don’t have more hate-filled comments saying I was stupid for not liking Donnie Darko. I guess Donnie Darko fans are a mellow, forgiving bunch.
The triumphant return of the terrifying bunny costume that makes me cry in my sleep!
5. Zachary Levi. Now that’s more like it! When am I not talking about Chuck, right? When I’m talking about Burn Notice or Death Note, that’s when.
Kill 'em with your finger guns, Chuck! Kill 'em good!
6. Lollipops. This has been a pretty consistent top 10 search since I did my Leap Year post. I find that kind of odd. What’s the fascination with lollipops, Internet?
Truth be told, I'm more of a "Smarties" girl.
7. Jake Gyllenhaal. I’m especially surprised by this one, since I keep spelling his name Gyllenhall.
But here he is, shirtless again, just for you, Jake Gyllenhaal fans.
8. Raccoon. I used a photo of a raccoon one time when listing things that would be better Spike Spiegels than Keanu Reeves could ever possibly hope, but I also used a photo of a mynah bird, so why no love for the mynah?
The raccoon and I still think you suck, Keanu.
9. Hockey mask. Thanks to Halloween week, I have mentioned hockey masks on this blog.
Because of Jason Voorhees, natch!
10. Tinkerbell. I would prefer it if the search was “Tinkerbell is a stone-cold killer,” but whatever.
The fair folk want you dead.
