What with all the mutants out there, it’s hard to tell which one you’re dating. It could be anyone, really. But it’s probably Wolverine, because, man, does that guy get around.
But how can you be certain to a passably certain extent?
By checking out this handy-dandy guide, that’s how.
1. Is your boyfriend short and hairy?
But not too short and hairy.
2. Does he sometimes look like Hugh Jackman?
Who doesn’t want to date the Hugh Jackman Wolverine?
3. Does he still carry a torch for his old girlfriend?
Except she wasn’t really his girlfriend because she was engaged to this other guy, and then she died, and then she came back and … it’s complicated, okay?
4. Does he suffer from amnesia?
Not anterograde amnesia though. Just regular old retrograde amnesia?
5. Sometimes, when he’s alone in the bathroom, do you hear a sound like “Snikt”?
“What’s that, honey?” “Nothing! Leave me alone!”
6. Does he have a mutant healing power?
Also, he doesn’t age, like Elijah Snow, except less awesome?
7. How ’bout an adamantium skeleton? Has he got one of those?
“Dammit, I told the airport security already that I’ve emptied everything out of my pockets.”
8. Does he sometimes talk about his old girlfriend, the weather goddess chick?
Wolverine dated Storm, right?
9. When he goes places, like other comic book titles, does it automatically make them sell better?
Everybody loves Wolverine.
10. Last but not least, does he suffer a fatal weakness in battles against Magneto?
Unless it’s one of those times when adamantium is a magical metal that Magneto can’t affect?
All right, so you’re not dating a werewolf or a vampire or any of those things. But something seems a little bit off about your new boyfriend and you just can’t quite put your finger on it.
Well, maybe he’s a robot!
Here’s a list of 10 ways to be sure, possibly.
1. Does he want to destroy humanity?
It’s true that a lot of robots want to destroy humanity, except for the wussy Asimov ones, but you could just as easily be dating Magneto.
2. Does he come from the future?
Some robots come from the future.
3. When you prick him, does he not bleed?
I just really wanted to get that one in there.
4. Can he do things that normal, non-robotic human beings can’t do?
Like enjoy a life as a mechanical man?
5. Can he transform into an automobile, jet or possibly a (*snicker*) cassette deck?
Transformers are robots, aren’t they?
6. Does he sometimes call your family “those puny humans”?
And then he crushes your brother’s car with his bare fist?
7. Do his funeral pre-arrangements consist of “downloading into a new body”?
8. Can he time travel?
Some robots can time travel.
9. Does he go for long periods of time without eating, drinking or breathing, say, like, the entire time you’ve known him?
This is a good hint that your boyfriend doesn’t need to do any of those things and, thus, is a robot.
10. Last, but not least: Is your boyfriend constantly looking for loopholes in Asimov’s laws so he can do something about his pesky neighbors?
Seriously, honey, if he was a regular human being, he’d've already shot them for letting their dog poop on his lawn for the 12th time this week.
Look, I know you think you’re my second choice, and it’s true. I do love Young Magneto more than you. But since my last post featured so many pictures of Michael Fassbender, I felt you deserved the spotlight. Also, the Internet was running out of good pictures of him, so there was that.
But don’t get me wrong: I do love you.
Sure, you’re, like, a decade too young for me, and you’re a ginger, if that’s still an insult, but I still love you.
I mean, Jesus, your voice.
It’s got this, like, crazy husky thing going on. I could seriously listen to you talk for hours, especially if you were talking about that time you used to hang out with Magneto, back when he was young.
Plus, you’re tall, which is a … you know, plus.
Oooh, and you have the superpower of screaming and somehow that makes you fly. That’s pretty cool, albeit probably a bit annoying in practice.
Anyway, you’re welcome to marry me if your mom will let you.
And if she’s not cool with that, maybe we could be pen pals?
Since nobody took me up on my offer to go to X-Men: First Class on their dime, I ended up not seeing it until this weekend. And it was so good, squeeeeee, you know, you already saw it, but wow!
Like, my favorite things were Magneto and the way he totally kept superpowering people to death. Also Magneto and the way he climbed out of water in a black suit and was dripping wet. In addition, Magneto and the way he … did stuff. In conclusion, I want to have Michael Fassbender’s babies now, very much.
Outside of my enduring love for Erik Lensherr and his superpower of being the best mutant ever, I also very much enjoyed Banshee, who was totally adorable and had such a deep voice for such a skinny kid, and Havok, who (if I remember correctly, and I don’t guarantee that I do) is totally Cyclops’s older brother!
I was not so much a fan of the ladies, but I figure Mystique needs some time to grow into her awesomeness and stop saying “Mutant and Proud,” because that is really annoying, thankyouverymuch. I’m not sure what could improve Moira MacTaggert or Angel, but Emma Frost was about what I expected, which is just fine.
But that doesn’t matter, because did I mention that scene where Magneto stabs the Nazi in the hand and then magnetics another Nazi to death, then stabs some other guy with the knife, then magnetics the knife out of him and stabs the Nazi in the hand again and then shoots that guy? Because I meant to mention that scene if I didn’t.
And also the scene where he rips that ship to shreds with the anchor?
Also where he pulls the submarine out of the water?
Plus, thanks to X-Men: First Class, I finally know that Sebastian Shaw has the power of energy absorption, like that guy in Stormwatch. Except that guy was Russian and not Kevin Bacon.
I also learned that Charles Xavier has been a prissy little bitch, but that I don’t mind it as much when it’s coming from Jean-Luc Picard.
In conclusion, I totally will forgive this movie for killing off the guy whose superpower was “adapting to survive” as long as there is a second movie that will explain what happened to all these super-awesome mutants and also has more scenes of Michael Fassbender doing situps or something.
I know, I know. You’d think this would be a battle between Gandalf and that one wizard from the Harry Potter books who looks a lot like him because everybody is always comparing the two. And I suppose it would be, except what is that wizard’s name anyway?
Also: Two Ian McKellans! You can’t go wrong with that.
On to the battle!
Physicality. Gandalf is a wizard in the Lord of the Rings who looks pretty much the way you’d expect a wizard to do, with the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan.
Magneto is a master of magnetism, who, like many a robot before him, hates puny humans. Also, he has the bonus of being portrayed by Ian McKellan. Both these guys look like Ian McKellan, so it’s a tie, right? Not so fast, friend! Magneto was played by that one guy in the prequel, who was hot, but not so hot, apparently, that I can remember his name. Still, he was pretty hot.
More powerful? Magneto, as mentioned previously, is a master of magnetism. Which means blah blah blah science, he is practically all powerful. Also, he can kick Wolverine’s ass a lot, which is funny. Also, he has a cool (?) helmet that blocks Professor X’s mind control.
On the other hand, Gandalf is a powerful wizard. At first he’s a grey wizard, but then, after a battle against a flame monster, he becomes a white wizard somehow. (What? Yes, I didn’t read the books, as a matter of fact, why do you ask?) White wizards are something something magic, so he’s all powerful too. Although he doesn’t have the nifty helmet.
Winner? Gandalf, because magic beats science any day. Well, except in reality, but reality can go to hell.
Has a cooler entourage? It’s not like people (read as: mutants and wizards) as powerful as Magneto and Gandalf really have a lot of friends. No, they have followers. And who follows Magneto? Well, in the first X-Men movie, you’ve got Mystique, Sabretooth and Toad. Bonus points for Toad being played by Ray Park, a god among men.
In the second movie, it’s mostly Mystique, but then Johnny Whatsisname hooks up with them, so that’s cool, I guess. In the third movie, let’s pretend I had a stroke and never saw it.
Gandalf is part of a fellowship, some might say. The fellowship includes some hobbits, an extremely pretty elf with the superpower of arrowing you right in the brains…
…some human guy with a magic sword or something (What? Why, yes, I did kind of zone out during the movies, why do you ask?) and a dwarf. Bonus points for the dwarf being played by Jonathan Rhys Davies, a king among men.
Winner? The guy with all the mutants on his side: Magneto.
Fights a greater evil? Gandalf and his fellowship must face off against the mighty Sauron, who is so evil he manifests as a giant, hideous eye floating in the sky. That’s pretty evil, I guess. On the other hand, Magneto is the great evil that must be defeated in the X-Men movies and comic books. So, uh, winner? Gandalf.
Better costume? Gandalf’s costume is the traditional wizard garb of a flowing cloak and magic staff (or walking cane, I guess. I totally didn’t see the third movie at all). Magneto’s costume is the traditional evil villain garb of smashing black with a dandy cape. Also, he’s got that helmet.
Doesn’t murder any hobbits? You know, for an all-powerful being forced to spend so much time with those annoying little hobbits, Gandalf sure kills way less of them than you would think. The total is none, as far as I can tell, but if he goes on some sort of hobbit-murdering spree in the third movie, I’m sure someone will correct me in the comments. And insult my parentage. Magneto also doesn’t kill any hobbits, but he does kill a bunch of humans, so we’ll give this one to Gandalf. Winner? Gandalf.
Doesn’t have to deal with any hideous little henchmen? Sure, some people might think it’s hideous the way Toad uses his tongue for … well, everything, but those people have forgotten that he’s played by Ray Park and Ray Park wins at everything. Then you’ve got the third X-Men movie, which doesn’t exist. Moving right along, Gandalf has to put up with Gollum, one of the most hideous pieces of CGI ever put to film. Winner? Magneto.
Has better hair? Man, I’ll bet it takes Gandalf hours to comb all the tangles out. Winner? Gandalf.
The tiebreaker: Has a cooler means of transportation? Gandalf rides on a magical white horse, which is cool, because how does he keep that thing from getting dirty? (Magic, right?) On the other hand, Magneto uses the power of magnetism to fly, which I’m sure is totally scientifically possible.
Overall winner? Magneto, but it might have been Gandalf if I cared more about the source material.
Sometimes, it’s nice when a faltering franchise rewards us by putting out a new movie that looks HOLY CRAP COMPLETELY AWESOME.
I mean, did you see the way Michael Fassbender was doing stuff? Things and stuff?
(Seriously, I think you could put Michael Fassbender in a movie extolling the virtues of quilting and wearing traveling pants, and I would be tempted to watch it, because have you seen that man? Such screen presence! Such physical beauty!)
Oooh, oooh, and then there’s Beast and Emma Frost and Charles Xavier and Banshee and some other X-Men that I really can’t remember their names but they look really cool, and I don’t know, maybe it’s ’cause it’s set in the ’60s, but doesn’t this movie seem really classy to you guys too?
And I love how it makes it pretty clear that, yeah, Professor X is a dick, and he knows it and everyone knows it, and it’s OK because he’s totally got superpowers.
Also, the special effects are just gorgeous, and the action sequences, and just everything! I have to see this movie.